RETURN OF THE MOLDAVIAN MASSACRE
Its particular shark was jumped before the first commercial break of the first episode of the first season, but still I have loyally tuned in to Desperate Housewives
every Sunday night. Last night, though... well, let's just say that I had a headache from the amount of eye-rolling I was forced to do.
Taking a page from Dynasty
's memorable Moldavian Massacre
, the kids at DH used a hurricane-sized tornado to apparently thin the cast. Read no further if you are avoiding spoilers at all costs
, not that DH is exactly akin to The Crying Game
(in which, if you haven't seen it, SHE'S A DUDE!!!!!
So this twister the width of Cuba hit Wisteria Lane last night, leaving an apparent body count in its wake and conveniently ending several storylines that were either repetitious or non-starters. For example, Mayor Victor was impaled by a fence picket, which hopefully will end his story line because, really, who cares anymore? Although if he lives through this one -- which is not impossible, because he twice
survived being conked on the head and thrown overboard from his boat a few weeks ago -- it could be marginally amusing to see Gabrielle and Carlos devise new ways to try to kill him every week.
The Many Husbands of Gabrielle Solis Lang
And then there's crazy lady Sylvia, who was apparently Dorothy-Galed into the tornado. Buh-bye, Sylvia. The problem is that we have been down the Road of the Shrill Loonie Stalker-Lady many times before. There was Nora... there was Alma... it never ends well (SLSLs always die) and it always sounds exactly the same. Marc Cherry has some obvious issues, but whatever. I'm just hopeful that Sylvia was jettisoned before we had to go through that again.
According to the network teasers, there is at least one other dead character in the wreckage of Wisteria Lane, almost certainly under Karen McClusky's house where Ida, Tom, and the 87 Scavo children were riding out the storm. Much as a dozen or so Scavos would not be missed, my bet is that Ida didn't make it. On Wisteria Lane, everyone except Mrs. McCluskey is under 50; everyone older is summarily executed. Don't believe me? Search for yourself. Hey, this is a show that brought veteran actress Ellen Geer to the cast for one episode just to kill her!!!! If I were Felicity Huffman, I wouldn't be getting too comfortable, if you know what I'm saying. Tick-tock...
Mark Cherry and the DH writing team, if you're reading this blog -- and I know you are, because Famous people read each others' blogs, except Rosie's -- after the WGA strike is over I have a list of characters I really want you to kill off. Please eliminate the following residents of Wisteria Lane:
* Mike Delfino. I have never understood his popularity, and now I leave the room when this loser is on-screen.
* Susan Mayer. Ditto. And make it quick. The thought that Mike and Susan may have a baby is too frightening for words.
* Orson Hodge. Does Kyle MacLachlan not have a hair stylist? Because my guy is pretty good...
* Lynette Scavo. Love ya, Felicity, but Lynette is turning into her own personal Center of the Universe. And the Center of the Universe isn't big enough for both of us.
* George Williams. What? Well dig him up and kill him again, dammit!
* Future SLSLs. Been there about five times each season; don't need to go back.
I would be remiss if I also didn't offer myself up for future writing assignments. If you let me write the episode where Mike and Susan die, I'll even do it for free.