FARBlog: Famous Author Rob Byrnes

THE JANUARY 7 MASSACRE

2011-01-07T14:39:00.002-05:00

So I figured if I'm committed to breathing a little life into this blog again, I should clean up the links...

It seems I was not alone when I went on an extended hiatus. I ended up deleting half the links in my sidebar. It happens. If any of you decide to start blogging again, drop me a line.

Still, it's hard to believe that only a few short years ago so many of us built a community around our blogs.

See what you've done, Mark Zuckerberg? See what you've done?!

Okay, that's enough for now. I've got to get back to Facebook...

NEW DAY DAWNING

2011-01-06T11:35:00.002-05:00

Oh, my poor blog! How I've neglected you!

But it's a new year, and it's time for me to make a new commitment to my abandoned baby. Especially since I have news!

(But why write it myself when I can simply cut-and-paste this press release from Bold Strokes Books?)

January 5, 2011 Press Release: New Title from Rob Byrnes

Bold Strokes Books is pleased to announce the acquisition of Rob Byrnes’s new novel, Holy Rollers, scheduled for release in 2011 from Bold Strokes Liberty Editions.

Holy Rollers – Coming in 2011

When Grant Lambert and Chase LaMarca—partners in life and crime—learn that $7 million in not-so-petty cash is hidden in the safe of a rightwing mega-church, they assemble a team of gay and lesbian criminals to infiltrate the church and steal the money. But this Gang That Can’t Do Anything Straight quickly finds its plans complicated by corrupt congressmen (and their gay aides); an “ex-gay” conference; an FBI investigation; the unexpected appearance of a long-lost relative; and—most jarring for these born-and-bred New Yorkers—life in the northern Virginia suburbs. And then there is Dr. Oscar Hurley—founder of the church—and his right-hand man, the Rev. Dennis Merribaugh, who prove themselves every bit as adept as the professionals when it comes to larceny…

About the Author

Rob Byrnes is the author of four novels, including the 2006 Lambda Literary Award-winning When the Stars Come Out and 2009 Lammy finalist Straight Lies. His short stories have also appeared in several anthologies, including Fool for Love (2009), Saints & Sinners 2010: New Fiction from the Festival (2010), and Men of the Mean Streets (2011).

A native of Upstate New York, Byrnes was born and raised in Rochester and graduated from Union College in Schenectady before moving to Manhattan. He now resides in West New York, New Jersey, with his partner, Brady Allen.

Visit Rob Byrnes’s Bio Page at Bold Strokes Books

So... back to writing, and back to blogging. Yay!

One final thing: I am thrilled by this new relationship! And I look forward to it being a long, happy, and productive one.

Happy Billy Hufsey Day!

2010-12-07T20:37:00.002-05:00

My first blog post in 4-1/2 months is to remind you that Billy Hufsey turns 52 in just a few hours.

Just sayin'.

BLOW OUT THE CANDLES...

2010-07-18T23:11:00.003-04:00

Oops. Just realized this blog celebrated its seventh anniversary last Friday.

Hopefully in this eighth year I'll get my blogging mojo back. In the meantime, scroll through the archives. Back in the day -- yes, I've been blogging for so long I call it "back in the day" -- I used to be sort of funny.

Or, you know, "funny-with-air quotes-indicating-stupid." Same root, at least.

Whatevs. I'm still here.

Who Likes FARB Shorts?

2010-07-13T21:14:00.002-04:00

... well, really, not tons of people. Still, here we are. The elite will be ahead of the game, and masses will catch up. Some day.

I keep forgetting to tell you people that my short story "Saint Daniel and His Demons" -- which apparently reads like Vonnegut -- although maybe that's Tony "No Relation" Vonnegut, not Kurt -- is in an awesome anthology... and I'm in it!

'Nathan has reviewed it. And awesome writers like Jess Wells, Aaron Hamburger, Greg Herren, Jewelle Gomez, Jeff Mann, and Lucy Jane Bledsoe contributed to it...

What's not to love? You can buy it at Amazon, or course, but patronize your friendly neighborhood LGBT bookseller, if you can.

THE BREAKS

2010-07-05T23:20:00.004-04:00

Breaks.

Yes, I've had a bit of one with this blog. But no, that's not what I mean by "breaks." Maybe I'll apologize for walking away from the blog some day; probably not.

Because I'm guilty of far worse breaks over my half-century on this planet. You probably are, too. It's an ingrained part of the human psyche, I think. Or at least mine. You deal with what you can deal with, and the rest... break.

For example, my parents separated when I was 18, and divorced a year later. Three months after that, my mother remarried. You do that math. In any event, I sunk into a decades-long pattern of avoidance, and managed to strain my relationship with both my mother and father for years. These were, in true WASP fashion, very cold breaks: emotional distance papered over with quarterly phone calls.

Sometimes less than that. During one lengthy period of estrangement, my father only learned that I had moved from Rochester to New York City from an item in the Rochester newspaper. He reached out to me. That is to his credit; not mine. I was bull-headed enough at the time that I was willing to make the clean break, and if I hadn't heard from him, well... But I did.

There have been other breaks -- I jettisoned a lot of people from my past when I came out, because I knew (or thought, and I'm pretty sure I was right) they wouldn't understand, and it wasn't worth my time -- but the family breaks had a bitter taste.

I never got over the problems with my mother. That mostly had to with her husband of the last 30 years, but it's not a great excuse. She deserved better from me than avoidance and neglect. I was never really angry with her, but I'd been trapped in the middle of the problem when I was 18 and 19, and, well... I broke. And now she's been dead for the past 26 months, and I can't go back and make anything better.

I can kick myself and admit she deserved better than she got from me, but I can't make anything better. Now.

My father -- the alpha dog of the family -- is slowing down, too. Bad hips, bad shoulders, you name it. At 76 -- 77 next month -- his body is showing the wear and tear of hard labor (which I do not do) since before I was born. He's probably got another decade in him. Maybe two. But sometimes I'm scared to get glimpses of his relatively recent frailty.

A few days ago, Bradykins and I flew to Rochester. It was supposed to be a quiet weekend, but -- minutes after we arrived -- we discovered my stepmother had just broken her hip. She was in the hospital before we arrived, although she'll hopefully be home tomorrow. She's a fighter. We used to drink together back in the '80s. She'll get past this. Still, that's a bad break.

When we left this morning, he (like my stepmother) kept apologizing that -- because of her broken hip -- we probably had a boring weekend. Quite the contrary. It sort of opened my eyes.

The thing is... if Brady and I hadn't been in town, my father would have been wandering around between the hospital and an empty house. That's not a good place for a 76-almost-77-year-old with a bad hip and bad shoulder. We were glad that he had us to come home to, and I feel a bit guilty tonight that he came home to a dark, empty house.

And -- much as I hate the phone -- I also broke pattern tonight to call both of them (her in the hospital; him at home), to check in.

I can't undo the past. I can only start appreciating what I have now. So I will force it, if I have to, to keep those ties strong.

Because, really, they break too easily if you let them.

I GOTCHER LAMMYS RIGHT........ HERE!

2010-05-26T22:42:00.003-04:00

Okay, so I haven't updated in a month. And I wonder why maybe four people stop by on a good day. Mmmph.

ANYWAY... I'll try to be better. (That is not a promise; just a very positive thought. And it's always good to think positive thoughts, right?)

In the meantime, tomorrow night at roughly 7:00 PM (Eastern, that is), the Lambda Literary Awards will kick off. For up-to-the-minute action -- give or take a few minutes, 'cause I'll probably be drunk -- follow me on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/RobByrnesWriter.

Yes, as a matter of fact I am a finalist for Gay Mystery. This is what I've been practicing for when the winner is announced:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kyZRiEJnIag

Good luck to eveyone!

WHOOPS

2010-04-25T19:34:00.002-04:00

The "50 Excerpts" project fell off track due to life. More coming...

50 EXCERPTS: #13

2010-04-22T01:00:00.000-04:00

...Grant wasn't a fan of Jamie Brock. The three of them -- Grant and Chase on one side, Jamie on the other -- had been distant acquaintances for most of the fifteen years Grant and Chase had been together, a fact he blamed on Chase. But Jamie was the type of person who only knew you when he needed something. In a sense, Grant felt he and Chase -- both approaching career criminal status, despite his partner's low-paying Groc-O-Rama gig on the side -- were still more sincere and productive than Jamie, who continued to play his "trust fund boy" game with the moneyed gay crowd a decade after the last time it had actually worked on a meaningful scale. Now that he was solidly joining Grant and Chase in what some would consider "middle age," the act was getting older than he was.

Chase allowed himself a smile as he returned to busywork. "Screw Jamie. I can hear about his latest Hamptons drama the next time we see him out at the bars."

from Straight Lies

Kensington Publishing Corp.
April, 2009

Buy it at TLA Video

What's this about? Click here.

50 EXCERPTS: #12

2010-04-21T01:00:00.000-04:00

"You said she walked in on you?"

Jimmy was visibly energized, and took Quinn's vacated deck chair. "Now that was a scene! You know the story of how we met, right?" Noah shook his head. "It was on the set of When the Stars Come Out. He was starring opposite her -- and let me tell you, I love Quinn dearly, but he should not have been doing musicals -- and I was a dancer in the big musical number at the end of the show. Anyway, I had just ended a horrible relationship with an evil, evil man -- dead now, God rest his soul -- and I didn't think I wanted to meet anyone, but we were on the set, and our eyes met, and something just clicked."

"And... happily ever after?"

Jimmy threw his head back and let out a loud, high-pitched laugh. "Not exactly. Remember, Quinn was married to the top box-office draw in the nation, maybe the world. And up to that point, he had never even admitted to himself that he was gay. It was very complicated. Let me give you a brief flashback..."

from When the Stars Come Out

Kensington Publishing Corp.
September, 2006

Buy it at Outwrite Bookstore & Coffeehouse

What's this about? Click here.

50 EXCERPTS: #11

2010-04-20T01:00:00.000-04:00

I stood in the darkness outside Bar 51 and reflected on the indignity of it all. Being asked to leave Bar 51 before closing was like being asked to leave a dive bar before all your teeth have fallen out.

Since the night was cool, and I wasn't ready to go home, I decided to take a walk through midtown to the east side, where I could catch a train back to Astoria. I needed to calm down, and I thought the walk might burn off some of the alcohol that had ceased doing me any favors.

I walked up Ninth Avenue, then turned east of Fifty-seventh Street, along surprisingly empty sidewalks. As I crossed Fifth Avenue, thereby officially entering the east side, a group of equally drunken girls shouted catcalls at me, which at least put a smile back on my face.

It had not been my intention to return to the Penthouse, but, as I walked, I realized that was exactly what I was going to do. I was going to find Jamie, and take him in my arms and promise to protect him... to never let him go... to...

The blare of a taxi horn stopped me seconds before I would have been run down, and I leapt back to the sidewalk.

from Trust Fund Boys

Kensington Publishing Corp.
June, 2004

Buy it at Common Language Bookstore

What's this about? Click here.

50 EXCERPTS: #10

2010-04-19T01:00:00.001-04:00

The next morning I took the subway one stop past my usual station and walked a few blocks out of my way to Fifth Avenue.

Hanover's Book Store wouldn't be open for another hour, but the window gates had already been rolled back up. I squinted at the displays in the row of windows lining Fifth Avenue but only saw the same old authors and the same old books set out to entice impulse buyers and window shoppers. Stephen King's latest; Jackie Collins's latest; a new collection of shorts by Garrison Keillor; the new unauthorized joint biography of Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver; Doris Kearns Goodwin; Diana Gabaldon; Tom Clancy; Nelson DeMille...

I was about to leave, my anticipation unrewarded, when I thought I saw a familiar sight out of the corner of my eye. I strained against the glare of the sun off the plate-glass window and, sure enough, saw the cover of The Brewster Mall in the hands of a store employee, just as he was about to set the book on a wooden prop in the window.

And then he took away a Tom Clancy book. No, not just one Tom Clancy book... all the Tom Clancy books! One by one, as I stood in slack-jawed witness, he removed copies of the New York Times number-five best-seller from that valuable window space and then, when Clancy was gone, replaced the entire display with copies of The Brewster Mall. By Andrew Westlake. Me.

I decided that it was going to be a wonderful day.

I was wrong once again.

from The Night We Met

Kensington Publishing Corp.
September, 2002

Buy it at Now Voyager Bookstore & Gallery

What's this about? Click here.

50 EXCERPTS: #9

2010-04-18T14:44:00.004-04:00

If he ever thought about how he ended up doing what he did for a living, in an entirely alternative -- well, okay, illegitimate -- field, Grant would have been hard-pressed for an answer. But he seldom thought about it, so it didn't really matter. What mattered to him as each day drew to a close was that he was working, putting bread on the table, and... that was about it.

The handful of times he did think about it, he thought it was a mostly wrong but inescapable career path, to the extent that being a professional thief was a career. Which is certainly was, to him.

Growing up in a fading industrial city in southern New Jersey, close but not too close to Philadelphia, Grant watched the rich get richer and the more numerous poor get poorer. Just like the song promised, except without a catchy tune. That's why he had to get out of there. Not only was it no place to live as a gay man, it was no place to make a decent living, unless you were fortunate enough -- or lucky enough, which he figured was about the same thing -- to be one of those rich getting richer.

But it wasn't a Marxian appraisal of economic inequality -- not that he would know Karl from Zeppo from Richard -- that led Grant Lambert to his alternative economic lifestyle.

It was New York City.

from Straight Lies

Kensington Publishing Corp.
April, 2009

Buy it at Hastings

What's this about? Click here.

50 EXCERPTS: #8

2010-04-17T06:45:00.001-04:00

Returning from the projection room after turning off the VCR, Jimmy had a tissue in his hand.

"Here," he said, and Noah took it. Jimmy leaned against the aisle chair across from Noah. "You saw The Glance?"

"I saw a lot of things," Noah said, grateful to feel Bart's arm reach around his shoulder. "But, yes, I saw The Glance."

"Well, first of all, don't listen to that asshole husband of mine. I can guarantee you that in just a few minutes he'll be locked in the bathroom, crying like a baby. He can be a bastard, but at least he's a sentimental bastard." Noah laughed. "And secondly, let it flow. It was a beautiful moment that led to the rest of our lives, and it's preserved forever on celluloid. That's sort of special, and if it's beautiful enough to make you cry a little bit, I think that's great."

Noah smiled, even though that made his head hurt even more. "Thanks, Jimmy."

Jimmy patted Noah, then Bart, on the shoulder. "I'm going to bed. Thanks for joining us for movie night."

They said their good nights. Then, when Jimmy was gone, Noah turned to Bart.

"You know what else?"

Bart smiled knowingly. "I think I know. They were young once. And now they're not." His hand squeezed Noah's shoulder. "I know, baby, I know."

from When the Stars Come Out

Kensington Publishing Corp.
September, 2006

Buy it at Giovanni's Room

What's this about? Click here.

50 EXCERPTS: #7

2010-04-16T05:26:00.001-04:00

The Penthouse was located in the low East Sixties, a few buildings off Second Avenue. I followed Rick through the front door of what I first thought was a residential brownstone until he opened the interior door and the commingled conversation and laughter of a hundred male voices spilled out into the vestibule.

And that's how, minutes after nine o'clock on a warm Thursday evening in June, Brett Revere, Trust Fund Baby, made his debut at the Penthouse, following Rick Atkins dutifully as he snaked his way through the crowd to a long, polished bar.

I took a look around the room while Rick ordered drinks. The rumors were true: the patrons were on the older side, and many of them were still in suits, not having had quite enough cocktails to steel them for home. However, as Rick had promised, there were enough young men not readily identifiable as prostitutes to give the place a bit of variety.

from Trust Fund Boys

Kensington Publishing Corp.
June, 2004

Buy it at Books Inc.

What's this about? Click here.

50 EXCERPTS: #6

2010-04-15T05:00:00.002-04:00

"...(L)et's face it, Drew, you and Frank were mismatched from the start. You had almost nothing in common except a mutual attraction, and mutual attractions don't last forever. Trust me on that. I mean... the guy wasn't even gay!"

"Oh, I think he was gay. Well... sort of."

"With you, maybe. Which wouldn't make him the first heterosexual to experiment, would it?"

"It just seems like we've gone through too much to have it end this way," I said, not answering her question and still trying to rationalize the relationship.

She sighed again. "I'm not saying you didn't go through a lot, Drew. But we all go through a lot every day. We're New Yorkers. It's our
lifestyle."

We're New Yorkers. Right. And everyone knows that the average New Yorker's day is spent dodging bullets while being indiscreetly watched by cops and robbers, all while streaking up the New York Times Best-seller List as an overnight -- literally -- success story, thanks to an on-air endorsement from an extremely popular radio shock jock.

Right. I was living a New York life, right down to the tapped phone and the bruised ribs.

Right.

from The Night We Met

Kensington Publishing Corp.
September, 2002

Buy it at Outwrite Bookstore & Coffeehouse

What's this about? Click here.

50 EXCERPTS: #5

2010-04-14T05:00:00.002-04:00

Twenty minutes later, the lights were turned back up. Hadley glanced at Romero and, sure enough, the actor was ashen. This was going to be easier than he had hoped.

"So you see the problem here," he said, and Romero nodded, not making eye contact with anything but the aquarium. "If this tape were to get out, well... like I said earlier, it would mean the destruction of your career. Romeo, everything you've worked forty years to build would be destroyed within days."

"What do you want, Ian?" His voice was weak.

Hadley laughed. "I assumed that was obvious."

Romero nodded his understanding of the unspoken blackmail demand. "And the tape? I will get possession of it, of course."

"Of course." The smile disappeared. "As soon as I'm adequately compensated for my silence and discretion, you will get the tape." He paused, then: "Can I ask you a question, Romeo? Why did you do it?"

Romero finally looked at him. His eyes were tired. "Because I am a human being, and I'm weak."

"Hmm." Hadley tented his fingers on the desk and stared at them. "That's interesting. You see, I've always been fascinated by the things people do to self-destruct. And you, well... you especially fascinate me. Thirty years out of a forty-year acting career spent pretending to be gay, just to keep your calling alive. And then to almost have it undone by an indiscreet romp in a hot tub, well... that's fascinating."

"That's one way to look at it."

"And you know what made it worse, Romeo? You know what made the whole thing so sordid?"

"What?"

"That Speedo you were wearing. I mean, what were you thinking, man?"

from Straight Lies

Kensington Publishing Corp.
April, 2009

Buy it at A Different Light

What's this about? Click here.

50 EXCERPTS: #4

2010-04-13T06:00:00.000-04:00

Noah left the imposing Sixth Avenue building housing Palmer/Midkiff/Carlyle and began wandering aimlessly up the avenue, into the West Forties. Even though it was still technically the final days of summer, the tourists had largely decamped after Labor Day, and he was determined to enjoy the relatively uncrowded sidewalks. The holidays, with their maddening hordes, would arrive soon enough. After a dozen blocks, as he approached Radio City Music Hall, he saw something out of the corner of his eye that stopped him in mid-crosswalk.

It was that stranger, the handsome young man from Bar 51, walking south on the opposite side of Sixth Avenue.

Noah squinted, unable to believe that he was having this third coincidental encounter. As he stood in mid-crosswalk, the lights changed; two milliseconds later, a line of cabs and delivery trucks laid on the horns. Noah jumped and dashed for the opposite corner, narrowly avoiding a bicycle messenger in the process.

He looked back at the stranger, who now -- thanks to the ruckus -- was staring back at him. And when he smiled, Noah smiled sheepishly in return.

His view temporarily blocked by a row of passing tour buses, Noah tried to make a quick decision. Should he be bold, and dart across the street while he still had the light? Or should he walk away and recognize this for what it was: a chance series of encounters?

The decision was one that, in the end, he didn't have to make. Because when the buses were gone, so was the stranger.

Anxiously, he scanned the sidewalk, looking up and down Sixth Avenue, but he had completely vanished.

Noah thought, How the hell does someone disappear like that? Where did he go? And he cursed himself again for letting opportunity slip through his fingers.

From When the Stars Come Out

Kensington Publishing Corp.
September, 2006

Buy it at TLA Video

What's this about? Click here.

50 EXCERPTS: #3

2010-04-12T08:29:00.000-04:00

In all honesty, after a year of being apart, I was more or less indifferent to his presence. Yes, the breakup had been his idea; and no, I hadn't seen it coming; and yes, I was bitter for a while, especially when I found out who he'd dumped me for. But time had passed, and the wounds had healed. There were even times when I missed him a bit. Not enough to return his infrequent calls, obviously, but I still felt a little something whenever I picked up his voice mail: a tinge of nostalgia, as memories of the good times crept into the corners of my mind.

Enough not to mind his company for a few minutes while I waited for David, at least.

"So again." he said, after ordering his drink, "what brings you to the Jones?"

"I hope this isn't going to sound rude, but I'm meeting someone here."

A thin smile crossed his lips and he took a long, slow look at the handful of regulars strung along the bar. "Anyone I know?"

"Not even anyone I know." He looked at me, not quite comprehending, so I filled in the blanks. "It's a blind date."

Again came the smile. "A blind date?"

I looked away and sighed. "An Internet date. Are you happy now? Your ex-boyfriend is so pathetic that he's meeting someone he's only talked to through e-mail."

Stuart laughed. "Oh, Brian, that's not pathetic. Well... maybe a little. But why are you meeting him here?"

"Because I never come here. If I had him meet me at the Pub, say, he'd know where to stalk me."

"It sounds as if you've already decided it won't work out."

I shrugged. "It's an Internet date. What could possibly go wrong?..."

from the short story Happy Hour at the Cafe Jones
published in Fool for Love: New Gay Fiction

Cleis Press
February, 2009

Buy it at Common Language Bookstore

What's this about? Click here.

50 EXCERPTS: #2

2010-04-11T08:07:00.000-04:00

...I returned to the subject of the watch and asked, "So what's the verdict?"

"Nice," he said, rolling it slowly through his fingers. "Just don't get it wet or drop it."

"Is it that fragile?"

"Yeah. But only because it's probably some five dollar knockoff, not the real thing."

"I assumed one of his ladies gave it to him."

Jamie raised a skeptical eyebrow. "Maybe." He paused, then added, "But did you think to ask yourself why Michael would give you a watch worth... well, for the sake of argument, let's say he didn't find it on Canal Street, and it's really worth thousands of dollars. Why would he hand it over to you?"

"Good question. I suppose if he has a few good watches and thought I needed one..."

"You're overestimating the generosity of Michael DeVries. If Michael thought he had too many Cartier watches, he'd want even more Cartier watches." He handed the watch back to me. "Still, on the outside chance it's real, congratulations."

"Well... it looks real." I strapped the watch around my wrist. It did look real. To me, at least.

"Yeah, it looks real." He let out a bitter laugh. "Story of our life, right?"

I ignored the comment, even though those might have been the most truthful words I had heard all day.

from Trust Fund Boys

Kensington Publishing Corp.
June, 2004

Buy it at Now Voyager

What's this about? Click here.

50 EXCERPTS: #1

2010-04-10T07:41:00.003-04:00

"...I can't even begin to tell you how many things I get invited to. Openings, benefits... Most of them are very tiring. I don't even bother opening half the envelopes that come in the mail."

"Then why are you inviting me? Aren't there going to be any eighteen-year-old Armenian sailors in port that night?"

He glared at me unpleasantly. "If you'd rather not go..."

"Sorry."

He brightened again. "I'm inviting you for three reasons. First, because I've come to enjoy your company despite your puzzling habit of biting the hand that feeds you. Second, because I'm hoping that an appearance by the author of Allentown Blues and The Brewster Mall might generate a little interest and publicity and help make both of us some money. And third, because maybe you'll meet your next lover there."

"That's very noble of you."

"Nobility has nothing to do with it. If you meet a nice upstanding white-collar man, maybe you'll stop moping and rediscover your muse. Then you can write me a best-seller."

I realized with a jolt that we were headed toward Ted and Nicky's love nest, so I gently took hold of David's arm and guided him around a corner. He never even seemed to notice.

"This place is going to be great!"

"Who owns it? Who's Benedict?"

"Benedick," he corrected.

"Oh. Now I understand."

"No, you don't," he said, shaking his head. "Benedick. Remember your Shakespeare? Much Ado About Nothing? Although I can't be sure there's not an intentional double entendre at work."

"Classy. There's nothing like a bunch of Shakespeare-quoting homosexuals in spandex dancing to Madonna to give me hope for the future of our sexuality. And anyway, wasn't Benedick straight?"

"As far as I'm concerned, the jury's still out. Remember, he was a confirmed bachelor in the beginning of Much Ado About Nothing..."

"And almost a married man at the end," I pointed out.

"Details," he snorted. "Even Oscar Wilde was a married man. Maybe you're still too bitter to go out in public."

from The Night We Met

Kensington Publishing Corp.
September, 2002

Buy it at Giovanni's Room

What's this about? Click here.

50 EXCERPTS: The Introduction

2010-04-10T07:30:00.003-04:00

Since I'm making a series of public appearances over the next six weeks or so (New York City, April 22; Chicago, May 4; New Orleans, May 13-17 -- so mark your calendars) and doing some writer-ish things this spring (Saints & Sinners Literary Festival; Lambda Literary Awards), I thought it would be a good time to introduce and reintroduce you to my work.

Because you really should be buying more of my books. Like, now.

So starting today and continuing for the next fifty days, I'll be uploading a short excerpt from one of my novels, short stories, or (possibly) works-in-progress, as well as revolving links to booksellers where said works can be purchased for a modest price that's probably less than you'll blow on heroin on any given night.

You see, people? I am going this For Your Health! You're welcome.

Questions? A favorite short passage? You know where to find me...

RICKY & ME & US

2010-03-30T21:51:00.004-04:00

So Ricky Martin is out of the closet -- oh gosh! Should I have warned you about the spoiler? -- and the Internet is abuzz with the usual combination of pride and condemnation.

No surprise that 97% of the condemnation comes from people named "hotguy4792" and "BigDaveinTempe." Because, since their names are so readily available in your local white pages, they have no fear that you'll call them on their bullshit.

(Also, these anonymous idiots are the first ones to fling the term "coward" at someone else who uses their real name. Remember our old friend Spewie? Yeah, bravely anonymous people like that, keeping in touch with the world from their mothers' basements. Oh... and I just made up "hotguy4792" and "BigDaveinTempe." I'm sure the real "hotguy4792" and "BigDaveinTempe" are fine, fine people.)

Oh yeah... Ricky Martin. My take? Glad you asked.

To each, their own time.

I have made no secret of the fact I came out in my very late 20s, and I know a number of other people who came out even later in life. That was when it was right for us to come out. Some of that, I hope, is generational and will change over time. Some of it is tempermental. Sometimes it's driven by individual factors we can't begin to understand.

In my case, no doubt there was an element of cowardice. More importantly, there was a lack of self-awareness and self esteeem. When I got that together -- and only when I got that together -- I was ready to move forward with my life. We're all better off for that time well spent.

It would have been great if Ricky Martin had come out 20 years ago. But he didn't, and he had his own demons to come to grips with. The important thing is... he's done it. He's out.

And now -- like those before him -- he can be a role model.

A few years ago, a very wise writer -- that would be me -- wrote a Lambda Literary Award-winning novel, When the Stars Come Out. In that brilliant award-winning novel, the main character -- Noah Abraham -- is a spoiled and proudly out young man who has never wanted for anything, including money and acceptance. He cannot understand why everyone's life isn't like his -- out and proud -- and though I, as the writer, want you to like Noah, I hope I'm somewhat successful in making him a self-righteous twit in the earlier chapters of the book.

As When the Stars Come Out opens, out-and-proud Noah is frustrated that he can't get a gay Republican congressional staffer to speak to him. He shifts his writing focus to an elderly actor who is gay but publicly closeted, and convinces him to tell his life story. As a result, a younger, more popular actor is encouraged to come out of the closet, and the young star gives the gay Republican the courage to come out long after he's forgotten self-righteous Noah.

It's a ripple effect. The stones keep getting tossed into the pond, and they disrupt things. In a sense, all of our stones -- mine, yours, Elton John's, Ellen DeGeneres's, even Clay Aiken's -- are part of the process.

And I don't care when Ricky Martin' s stones landed in the pond. As long it was the right time for him.

The important thing is he's now helping us make waves.

So let's keep splashing.

DONALD & ME

2010-03-22T15:53:00.003-04:00

You already know that I have been a huge fan of the work of writer Donald E. Westlake for decades, and that his Dortmuder novels inspired Straight Lies, because you hang on my every word.

Drewey Wayne Gunn doesn't know that, though.

So imagine my surprise when I came across this review on the Lambda Literary Foundation website:

For years film star Romeo Romeo has been building his film career on his image of “the brave gay actor who has stepped forward when all the closet cases were [...] being closet cases.” But Jamie Brock (from Trust Fund Boys), using an outdated camcorder, gets the proof that the star is actually very heterosexual. Jamie is all set to blackmail Romeo, when he stupidly leaves the incriminating tape in a taxicab. He turns to long-time petty crime professional Grant Lambert, the antihero of the novel, to find the tape — for a cut in the proposed blackmail money. Soon Grant is pulling his lover, Chase LaMarca, and most of his friends into what turns out to be, as in all good capers, an accelerating series of comical mishaps. In the process Byrnes creates a memorable string of eccentric characters and gets to skewer various pretentious New York types. One leaves the novel dizzy from all the twists and turns the plot takes as Grant invents one ingenious scheme after another, only to have each one somehow blow up in his face. No doubt the spirit of the late Donald E. Westlake floats benevolently over the novel, but this is totally vintage Byrnes with his own signature writ large and clear.

Awesome!

I'LL TAKE BIZARRE FOR $500, ALEX, AND JUST GIVE ME THE DAILY DOUBLE

2010-03-16T23:19:00.002-04:00

The blog that no one reads -- that would be this one -- has had dozens of hits tonight. All because seven weeks ago I got pissed off and Twitter-baited some homophobic assholes.

I have no idea what that's about -- or why they even linked back to me, unless they felt that I was some sort of example of the evil that would befall the good people of Florida if the LGBT community was to, oh, be treated with some respect -- but I'll take the recognition.

This blog hasn't been this popular since "salad tossing" and "Lindsay Lohan's boobs" were all the rage. But we were all so much younger and innocent then...

LAMBDA LITERARY AWARD FINALISTS ANNOUNCED

2010-03-16T10:06:00.002-04:00

This morning the finalists for the 2009 Lambda Literary Awards were announced. I was truly shocked to learn that Straight Lies made the cut in the Gay Mystery category, but -- while I thank the judges for this recognition -- I'm not writing an acceptance speech just yet. (Of course, I've stolen a Lammy before, and I can do it again...)

The complete list of finalists, all of whom deserve a round of applause:

LGBT Anthologies

Gay American Autobiography: Writings from Whitman to Sedaris, edited by David Bergman (University of Wisconsin Press)
Moral Panics, Sex Panics: Fear and the Fight Over Sexual Rights, edited by Gilbert Herdt (NYU Press)
My Diva: 65 Gay Men on the Women Who Inspire Them, edited by Michael Montlack (University of Wisconsin Press)
Portland Queer: Tales of the Rose City, edited by Ariel Gore (Lit Star Press)
Smash the Church, Smash the State! The Early Years of Gay Liberation, edited by Tommi Avicolli Mecca (City Lights)

LGBT Children's/Young Adult

Ash, by Malinda Lo (Little, Brown)
How Beautiful the Ordinary, edited by Michael Cart (HarperCollins)
In Mike We Trust, by P.E. Ryan (HarperCollins)
Sprout, by Dale Peck (Bloomsbury USA)
The Vast Fields of Ordinary, by Nick Burd (Penguin Books)

LGBT Drama

The Beebo Brinker Chronicles, by Kate Moira Ryan & Linda S. Chapman (Dramatists Play Service)
The Collected Plays Of Mart Crowley, by Mart Crowley (Alyson Books)
Revenge of the Women's Studies Professor, by Bonnie L. Morris (Indiana University Press)

LGBT Nonfiction

The Golden Age of Gay Fiction, edited by Drewey Wayne Gunn (MLR Press)
The Greeks and Greek Love, by James Davidson (Random House)
I Am Your Sister: Collected and Unpublished Writings of Audre Lorde, edited by Rudolph P. Byrd, Johnnetta Betsch Cole & Beverly Guy-Sheftall (Oxford University Press)
Ties That Bind: Familial Homophobia and Its Consequences, by Sarah Schulman (The New Press)
Unfriendly Fire:How the Gay Ban Undermines the Military and Weakens America, by Nathaniel Frank (St. Martin's Press)

LGBT SF/Fantasy/Horror

Centuries Ago and Very Fast, by Rebecca Ore (Aqueduct Press)
Fist of the Spider Woman, by Amber Dawn (Arsenal Pulp Press)
In the Closet, Under the Bed, by Lee Thomas (Dark Scribe Press)
Palimpsest, by Catherynne M. Valenta (Bantam/Spectra Books)
Pumpkin Teeth, by Tom Cardamone (Lethe Press)

LGBT Studies

Metropolitan Lovers: The Homosexuality of Cities, by Julie Abraham (University of Minnesota Press)
Moving Politics: Emotion and ACT UP's Fight Against AIDS, by Deborah B. Gould (University of Chicago Press)
The Queer Child, or Growing Sideways in the Twentieth Century, by Kathryn Bond Stockton (Duke University Press)
The Resurrection of the Body: Pier Paolo Pasolini from Saint Paul to Sade, by Armando Maggi (University of Chicago Press)
The Straight State: Sexuality and Citizenship in Twentieth Century America, by Margot Canaday (Princeton University Press)

Bisexual Fiction

Arusha, by J.E. Knowles (Spinsters Ink)
Holy Communion, by Mykola Dementiuk (Synergy Press)
The Janeid, by Bobbie Geary (The Graeae Press)
Love You Two, by Maria Pallotta-Chiarolli (Random House Australia)
Torn, by Amber Lehman (Closet Case Press)

Bisexual Nonfiction

Byron in Love: A Short Daring Life, by Edna O'Brien (W. W. Norton)
Cheever: A Life, by Blake Bailey (Alfred A. Knopf)
Leaving India: My Family's Journey From Five Villages to Five Continents,
by Minal Hajratwala (Houghton Mifflin Harcourt)
Map, by Audrey Beth Stein (Lulu.com)
Vincente Minnelli: Hollywood's Dark Dreamer, by Emanuel Levy (St. Martin's Press)

Transgender

Bharat Jiva, by Kari Edwards (Litmus Press)
Lynnee Breedlove's One Freak Show, by Lynn Breedlove (Manic D Press)
The Nearest Exit May Be Behind You, by S Bear Bergman (Arsenal Pulp Press)
Transmigration, by Joy Ladin (Sheep Meadow Press)
Troglodyte Rose, by Adam Lowe (Cadaverine Publications)

Lesbian Debut Fiction

The Creamsickle, by Rhiannon Argo (Spinsters Ink)
The Bigness of the World, by Lori Ostlund (University of Georgia Press)
Land Beyond Maps, by Maida Tilchen (Savvy Press)
More of This World or Maybe Another, by Barb Johnson (HarperCollins)
Verge, by Z Egloff (Bywater Books)

Gay Debut Fiction

Blue Boy, by Rakesh Satyal (Kensington Books)
God Says No, by James Hannaham (McSweeneys)
Pop Salvation, by Lance Reynald (HarperCollins)
Shaming the Devil: Collected Short Stories, by G. Winston James (Top Pen Press)
Sugarless, by James Magruder (University of Wisconsin Press)

Lesbian Erotica

Flesh and Bone, by Ronica Black (Bold Strokes Books)
Lesbian Cowboys, edited by Sacchi Green & Rakelle Valencia (Cleis Press)
Punishment with Kisses, by Diane Anderson-Minshall (Bold Strokes Books)
Where the Girls Are, by D.L. King (Cleis Press)
Women of the Bite, by Cecelia Tan (Alyson Books)

Gay Erotica

Rough Trade: Dangerous Gay Erotica, edited by Todd Gregory (Bold Strokes Books)
Impossible Princess, by Kevin Killian (City Lights)
I Like It Like That: True Tales of Gay Desire,
edited by Richard Labonté & Lawrence Schimel (Arsenal Pulp Press)
The Low Road, by James Lear (Cleis Press)
Eight Inches, by Sean Wolfe (Kensington Books)

Lesbian Fiction

Dismantled, by Jennifer McMahon (HarperCollins)
A Field Guide to Deception, by Jill Malone (Bywater Books)
Forgetting the Alamo, Or, Blood Memory, by Emma Pérez (University of Texas Press)
Risk, by Elena Dykewomon (Bywater Books)
This One's Going to Last Forever, by Nairne Holtz (Insomniac Press)

Gay Fiction

Lake Overturn, by Vestal McIntyre (HarperCollins)
The River In Winter, by Matt Dean (Queens English Productions)
Said and Done, by James Morrison (Black Lawrence Press)
Salvation Army, by Abdellah Taia (Semiotext(e))
Silverlake, by Peter Gadol (Tyrus Books)

Lesbian Memoir/Biography

Called Back: My Reply to Cancer, My Return to Life, by Mary Cappello (Alyson Books)
Mean Little deaf Queer, by Terry Galloway (Beacon Press)
My Red Blood: A Memoir of Growing Up Communist, Coming Onto the Greenwich Village Folk Scene, and Coming Out in the Feminist Movement, by Alix Dobkin (Alyson Books)
Likewise: The High School Comic Chronicles of Ariel Schrag, by Ariel Schrag (Simon & Schuster/Touchstone Fireside)
The Talented Miss Highsmith: The Secret Life and Serious Art of Patricia Highsmith, by Joan Schenkar (St. Martin's Press)

Gay Memoir/Biography

Ardent Spirits: Leaving Home, Coming Back, by Reynolds Price (Scribner Books)
City Boy: My Life in New York During the 1960's and 70's, by Edmund White (Bloomsbury USA)
Deflowered: My Life in Pansy Division, by Jon Ginoli (Cleis Press)
Once You Go Back, by Douglas A. Martin (Seven Stories Press)
The Pure Lover: A Memoir of Grief, by David Plante (Beacon Press)

Lesbian Mystery

Command of Silence, by Paulette Callen (Spinsters Ink)
Death of a Dying Man, by J.M. Redmann (Bold Strokes Books)
From Hell to Breakfast, by Joan Opyr (Blue Feather Books)
The Mirror and the Mask, by Ellen Hart (St. Martin's/Minotaur)
Toasted, by Josie Gordon (Bella Books)

Gay Mystery

All Lost Things, by Josh Aterovis (P.D. Publishing)
The Killer of Orchids, by Ralph Ashworth (State Street Press)
Murder in the Garden District, by Greg Herren (Alyson Books)
Straight Lies, by Rob Byrnes (Kensington Books)
What We Remember, by Michael Thomas Ford (Kensington Books)

Lesbian Poetry

Bird Eating Bird, by Kristin Naca (HarperCollins)
Gospel: Poems, by Samiya Bashir (Red Bone Press)
Names, by Marilyn Hacker (W.W. Norton)
Stars of the Night Commute, by Ana Bozicevic (Tarpaulin Sky Press)
Zero at the Bone, by Stacie Cassarino (New Issues Poetry & Prose)

Gay Poetry

Breakfast with Thom Gunn, by Randall Mann (University of Chicago Press)
The Brother Swimming Beneath Me, by Brent Goodman (Black Lawrence Press)
The First Risk, by Charles Jensen (Lethe Press)
Sweet Core Orchard, by Benjamin S. Grossberg (University of Tampa Press)
What the Right Hand Knows, by Tom Healy (Four Way Books)

Lesbian Romance

It Should Be a Crime, by Carsen Taite (Bold Strokes Books)
No Rules of Engagement, by Tracey Richardson (Bella Books)
The Sublime and Spirited Voyage of Original Sin, by Colette Moody (Bold Strokes Books)
Stepping Stone, by Karin Kallmaker (Bella Books)
Worth Every Step, by KG MacGregor (Bella Books)

Gay Romance

Drama Queers!, by Frank Anthony Polito (Kensington Books)
A Keen Edge, by H. Leigh Aubrey (iUniverse)
The Rest of Our Lives, by Dan Stone (Lethe Press)
Time After Time, by J.P. Bowie (MLR Press)
Transgressions, by Erastes (Running Press)

Now go read a book!

IT'S ALL IN THE PLACEMENT

2010-03-14T10:46:00.003-04:00

From this morning's headline roundup at the Rochester Democrat & Chronicle website.

My question: why two separate stories? This newspaper does cover part of Eric Massa's district, after all.

HOW NOT TO DO PUBLIC RELATIONS

2010-03-08T15:15:00.004-05:00

Remember in 2005 when an owner of the Manhattan restaurant Quintessence was exposed (cough) as a subway flasher? I blogged about it here, writing:

By now, you've no doubt heard of the New York City subway masturbator, who was captured for posterity by his victim's camera-phone... Now, they say that the perp could have been restaurateur Dan Hoyt… Still, the man is innocent until proven guilty... so I will make no judgments. But I do have a question: When dining at his restaurant, is it a good idea to order the hand roll and the minced nut meat?

That was five years ago, which is why I was surprised to receive an e-mail late last night reading, in part:

Hi my name is [redacted]. I am working on a publicity / branding campaign representing Quintessence restaurant in NYC. I am contacting you about a post on your website that refers to Quintessence and some negative publicity about one of the owners back in 2005.

Quintessence is upon their 10 yr anniversary and now has four partners involved…their position in their market niche is highly respected and they provide a service to very needing and faithful clientele.

Some depend on Quintessence for their non chemical foods, some are very sick and some are changing their lives and Quintessence is also a huge part of the growing ‘green consciousness.’ Do [sic] to their need to expand and the growing number of searches online for Quintessence and Raw Food, it has become necessary to better serve the community if any negative post from so long ago be removed. It serves no purpose other than to slander the name of just one person where the company is a host of partners, family members, investors, employee...
It would be a wonderful gustier [sic] on your part to see the bigger picture of just who and how many people this post effects and promptly remove it. It is unfair to the community and the new partners of a growing business to have such negativity for so long ago connected to the uninvolved parties.

My response this morning:

I assume you’re joking. When you get Gawker, Gothamist, New York magazine, et al to delete their posts (and somehow make the cached past disappear) maybe you will have accomplished something. (That something is called ‘magic.’) Otherwise, you're just wasting your time. Do you bill Quintessence for these hours? If so, you've got an excellent scam going.

You need to learn what the word "slander" means. It does NOT mean ‘writing true things about people.’ If you're trying to get people to delete what they wrote about Dan Hoyt in 2005, you must have your work cut out for you. I think every blog and website wrote something about that incident. I also doubt any of them have deleted their original posts from 2005, because, well, DAN HOYT WAS AN UNREPRENTENT FLASHER!!! (<-- note: that is not slander.)
If you keep sending dumb e-mails, it will backfire on you. In my case, probably starting later this morning. I wish everyone associated with Quintessence who isn't Dan Hoyt the best. That being said, I have ridden the subway tens of thousands of times and always managed to keep my penis in my pants. It's not a difficult thing to do, and -- as we're seeing now -- saves one (and one's business... and one's associates) a lot of headaches in the future.

I didn’t mock her grammar or spelling, so – overall – I think I was fairly well-behaved.

Anyway, if you're brave enough to eat at Quintessence you can find their website here. Dan "Hot Stuff" Hoyt is still there, so maybe you'll be able to catch a floor show after your meal!

Oh, and PR lady? Did I do this correctly?

SEE? IT'S NOT JUST ME

2010-02-11T12:50:00.002-05:00

I just came across this quote from Tennessee Williams, and you need to read it:

[Eugene] O'Neill had a terrible problem with alcohol. Most writers do. American writers nearly all have problems with alcohol because there's a great deal of tension involved in writing, you know that. And it's all right up to a certain stage, and then you begin to need a little nervous support that you get from drinking. Now my drinking has to be moderate. Just look at the liver spots I've got on me!

No liver spots here, so I'm still good to go. Happy Hour?

Just keep me away from bottle caps.

ON DAVID PATERSON

2010-02-07T23:35:00.002-05:00

Seriously, after admitting to ~~hookers~~ affairs and blow, I have a hard time believing he can have more skeletons in his closet. Unless there's a "gay midget tranny"and/or "I am Trig's father" incident coming, I'm calling bullshit.

Back to work, everyone.

ONLY IN CINDY ADAMS, KIDS! ONLY IN CINDY ADAMS...

2010-02-07T20:36:00.003-05:00

In her column today, drooling-old-lady-with-a-press pass-and-dementia Cindy Adams appears to have caught a case of Giuliani Syndrome:

And thanks to Obama, you now have to schlep little four-ounce containers of everything. The mouthwash, hairspray, deodorant, skin freshener. Assorted thimbles of water. My carry-on looks like a medicine man's sample case.

Because the 9/11 attacks happened on Obama's watch. I read that on the Internet, so it must be true.

Also? Not to be mean or anything, but even without the TSA rules, I think Cindy's carry-on would have to look like a medicine man's sample case. Just sayin'.

POOR BABIES!

2010-02-06T22:05:00.004-05:00

You've no doubt already heard about this.

Well, obviously Nathan Dunn and John Stemberger are not to blame! Look! Nathan explains right here how it's clearly an innocent mistake, and they weren't indulging in an ugly "fake photo" smear! They were just on deadline!

And I just found a photo of Nathan and John to prove that is true:

Nathan Dunn, left, and John Stemberger: American Patriots!

Not pretty. Unfortunately, their souls are uglier.

Like all brave conservatives, their blog does not accept comments. Fortunately, you can befriend them on Twitter and ask them what their problem is:

Follow John Stemberger

Follow Nathan Dunn

They like to think they're men, so maybe if enough people challenge them they'll finally man up. In the meantime, know Nathan Dunn and John Stemberger as the cowardly cocksuckers* they have been.

* -- "cocksuckers" in the pejorative way, or course. Not in the good way!

IN WHICH I OFFER HELP TO CARLY FIORINA

2010-02-05T10:52:00.006-05:00

By now you've no doubt seen the ad Carly Fiorina is ~~torturing Californians with~~ running as part of her not-yet-failed U. S. Senate campaign.

No? Okay, take a look:

I think we all know that people are hyper-critical, which is the only reason this ad is consistently described as "bizarre," "amateur," "hilarious," "jaw-droppingly embarrassing," and "OMG-what-were-they-thinking?"

Not that I would say those things. Oh no, not me, because I never have anything bad to say about anything. Truth!

However, I do think Carly made a crucial error. And I don't mean with her very realistic looking wolf. (Uh, that was supposed to be a wolf, right?)

Her mistake was the sheep. Seriously? Sheep? No offense to our ovine friends, but sheep are the wrong animal for an ad like this.

Carly, it's not too late to recover. Remake that commercial and do the right thing!

Go Goat!

QUESTION OF THE DAY

2010-02-05T06:54:00.003-05:00

Given his ongoing and obvious problems with race, do you think that young girl Glenn Beck might have raped and murdered in 1990 was black?

Discuss.

I CAN'T DO IT ALONE

2010-02-04T15:04:00.002-05:00

Okay, when the closest large city to my home ranks #82, the city with which I most identify ranks #93, and the city where I was born and spent my first 36 years ranks #98, there is something terribly wrong.

I blame you. I know I am doing my share.

So please, people, get out there and show Fresno, Reno, and Billings that we mean business. I cannot do this all by myself, no matter how hard I've been trying!

2/3/10: STARTING AGAIN

2010-02-03T21:44:00.002-05:00

Over the past few years, I've fallen into a rut. Not a horrible rut; still, a rut.

I enjoy my social life, enjoy my friends, enjoy the new friends I've made... but there is a void. I'm living a pretty normal life... but not a "writing life." Not a life in which I'm improving myself or my craft.

I never thought I'd settle for "I'm settling," but that's what started to happen.

Oh, things aren't desperate! We've already committed a lot of money to the theater, and that's a nice change. In fact, I'll be seeing so many Sondheim 80th Birthday Tributes this spring that I'll probably feel 80 before it's over. But that's not enough.

Here's where I need you to help: call out my bullshit. Three (well, two and a half) things:

1. I have to write again. And I have to get to work on the '20s novel I've been talking about -- but not writing -- for years. By March 1, call me out on that. I need to write Chapter One by the end of February. Demand the chapter, if necessary. Because without pressure, I'll probably ride another year on talk without action.

2. This is less easy for you to validate, but pressure me to get my ass to the gym. My huge, exponentially growing ass that almost has its own zip code, that is.

3. Something else I can't remember. When I do, I'll share. (That's the half.)

So leap in and help a brother out. I need the peer pressure. Living in the lap of luxury and indulging in other cliches has been divine, but I need to get back to work.

DORA MACY, PLEASE FORGIVE ME!

2010-02-01T13:02:00.003-05:00

My bad.

(From the March 30, 1931 Albany Evening News.)

YOU MEAN IF I WRITE, YOU MIGHT READ?

2010-01-31T17:01:00.003-05:00

Readership of this blog went into a free fall a few years ago -- the web equivalent of jumping out of a ground floor window, but still -- and then, just when I thought it couldn't get worse, last January it got terrible. Like "20-people-a-day" terrible.

I don't do this often -- because usually it's your fault -- but I blame myself. I was afflcited with a combination of Blog Fatigue and Facebook Infatuation, which made it easy to desert this site for weeks at a time. In fact, I almost walked away, as so many of my old blogging BFFs have done.

But as we rolled into 2010, I decided to give my baby one more shot. After all, we've been together for almost seven years now, and I am not the kind of man to walk out when the Seven Year Itch starts, uh, itching. Meaning, I started updating more.

My pay-off has been the biggest month for site visitors since last April, and almost the biggest since last January. Okay, in relative terms, we're still not talking about a groundswell of people, but it's enough to keep me going. I know things will never be the way they once were when all of us Crazy Kids were blogging up a storm and hundreds of people visited every day, but I'm okay with that.

So, dear people, thanks for reading. And for my part, I'll do my best to keep the momentum going for yet another month.

THIS IS WHY WE ARE LOVED, IN THE "NOT" WAY

2010-01-31T00:42:00.002-05:00

Have I mentioned in the past that I am blessed to have been born in the United States of America? Yeah, a few times. And I meant it every time.

But... this shit. Uh, no. Especially ironic coming from the governor of the most natural disaster-plagued state in the nation.

I know Charlie Crist probably doesn't mean it. He's just protecting his ass when Marco Rubio goes after it. (Which, come to think of it... but, no. I won't go there.) But some politicians will do whatever they have to do to stay relevant.

And if swimming in the nativist swamp is what they have to do --

Hey! I have an idea! If Charlie happens to pick up crabs from some illicit genital commingling, he can tell people he got them in the Genital Swamp! Right off the Intercoastal! Brilliant! I am the next Lee Atwater! Truly.

But in the meantime, it'd be nice for rich, comfortable Americans to pick up the tab for poor Haitians who will die if people like Charlie Crist dictate the rules. Decency is not a partisan sport, and there is not a single dying person who cares who gets the credit.

So, Charlie Crist, go fuck yourself. And Marco Rubio -- unless you condemn Crist -- fuck yourself, too.

PROOF YOU CAN FIND ANYTHING ON THE INTERNET

2010-01-29T13:08:00.003-05:00

There's a reason it's called Selleck Waterfall Sandwich, after all.

(via Towleroad)

HEY, SEXY MILITARY!

2010-01-28T21:53:00.002-05:00

Much as I appreciate the work that our men and women in the military do for our nation and the world, can we get off the "military fetishism" kick? The constant thoughts about hot sweaty butch men bunking together and eventually sticking Slot A into Tab B because they can't stop their primitive desires... the deep yearning heaving under their well developed pecs...

No, I don't mean you, gay porn sites.

I mean the Right Wing.

J. D. Salinger is Dead

2010-01-28T13:55:00.001-05:00

And I suspect we'll be hearing from John David California any moment now.

HOUSEKEEPING

2010-01-28T11:52:00.002-05:00

It's a new year --okay, I guess that's not news anymore -- and I've been a negligent landlord to this blog, so I've decided to (a) blog more; (b) read your blogs more; and (c) clean this place up. Starting with (c), because that's the easiest. Also because I was still advertising public appearances I made back in July, 2009.

I've substantially cleaned up my blogroll -- if you've blogged since last fall, you're still on it; if you haven't, you're off but I still love you --and realized I've missed a lot of you. Sorry about that; I'll try to be better. As for you who have stopped blogging, I understand. If you come back into the fold, drop me an e-mail and I'll put your listing back online.

I have also added links to a number of writers, as well as one of my new faves: my friend Laz Marquez's blog Face It, his daily exercise to capture emoticons expressing his mood in everyday objects. Check it out!

CONTACT INFORMATION

2010-01-25T06:25:00.002-05:00

This was in my blog's list of referrers this morning:

"her contacts" OR "her contact lenses" OR "my contacts" OR "my contact lenses" OR "got contact lenses OR "new contact lenses" OR "wear contact lenses" OR "got
contacts" OR "wear contacts" OR "new contacts" site:blogspot.com

It's none of my business -- I'm happy with any traffic these days -- but I think this person might want to narrow their searches in the future.

AND IN OTHER NEWS...

2010-01-21T22:35:00.001-05:00

Dude, you married a woman named "Trigger." What did you expect?

WHO LIKES SHORT SHORTS?

2010-01-21T20:54:00.002-05:00

No, this entry isn't nearly as retro or provocative as the title. This isn't the Royal Teens. Not even their lyrics, technically. You'll live.

Today, kids, we are talkin' 'bout the Art of the Short Story, which is a talent of which I am not a master. (Although they say that sometimes about my mastery of the Art of the Novel, too. Idiots.)

Short stories require a lot of subtlety, which many people -- starting with me -- don't exactly equate with your hero. (Uh, that would be me, for those of you too shy to ask.) Still, I get asked to write them on occasion. Usually for little or no money, which I'm okay with, because -- you know what? -- I was able to report $0 (and .00 cents) writing income on my tax forms for 2009. And I'm considered to be a ~~famous~~ ~~well-known~~... uh... published author.

Moving on -- because self-deprecation is fun, until it becomes depressing -- a few weeks ago I was asked to write a 5,000 word short story, and I did it. Mostly, I did it last weekend, but I did it.

Then I read it again last night.

The horror!

Not only did my 5,000 word short run 8,000 words, but it also lacked every trace of subtlety. Basically, I wrote 8,000 words for, oh, Married With Children, without the humor. But with "Seven."

The fact is that short stories are tough for a lot of novelists. In a novel, you have 100,000 words to develop a character and plot; flesh him or her out, find light and darkness, make the story work. Doing that in 5% of the space isn't necessarily beyond my talents, but it's a different art form. I managed to work it -- in "Happy Hour at the Cafe Jones" in Fool for Love (link for educational purposes only; buy it at your GLBT indie bookseller!) and Strange Bedfellows (my only foray into erotica, if you care, and you might have to buy it from Amazon) -- but this story eluded me.

Thank God I read it a few days later and saved myself from too much embarrassment. The "Rob Byrnes" writing brand isn't exactly something that most PEN voters think of when they wake up in the morning, but it still means something to me. So... back to the computer this weekend. I know what I have to fix, and I think I can fix it.

Oh, even if it sucks I am going to make you buy the book when it comes out and pretend this little conversation never happened.

Just thought you'd like to know...

KEEPING CONTROL WHILE FALLING APART

2010-01-20T21:33:00.003-05:00

When you're issued The Life Manual -- you got yours, right? -- the authors do a halfway decent job of preparing you for childhood accidents involving both bodily fluids and skinned knees; adolescent angst and awkwardness; hating your parents just because you hate everyone due to your adolescent angst and awkwardness; getting a job; getting another job; getting a job that finally fits; flirting; dating; falling in love; and, finally, accepting your limitations and learning to live with them.

Why the hell, then, did they skip the chapter where your body starts falling apart when you turn 50?

Much as I like to joke around here, this is no joke. Not even a gay-ish "prostate exam"/ "colonoscopy" type of joke; both -- by the way -- recommended for men annually after they turn 50. Go figure.

I turned 50 just over 13 months ago. I was healthy enough for the first 600 months -- a bout of hepatitis (errr... my bad) and mild psoriasis (yay for dad's genes!) -- but otherwise I've been all right. The the last 13 months, however, have been a bitch: shingles; hives; a nasty fall (okay, maybe my clumsiness was a contributing factor); a few snips of random skin growths; two major sinus infections; and -- now -- my second go-around with some weird-ass stomach-cramping infection that has put me on a liquid diet. Three visits to my GP; two to my dermatologist; and four to my ENT.

I have an ENT? WTF?!! I'm only 51! I'm still vibrant! And no one told me this shit was all going to come down at such a young age!

Actually, that isn't true: I was told it would happen. My brother, who is a doctor -- although his son says he's not a real doctor, just an eye doctor, he's an opthalmalogist, meaning real doctor (six-year-olds can be cruel) -- and I discussed this almost two years ago, when our mother died. These bodies we have are frail vessels, and not built for the long haul. Every now and then, one will get to 100 (and how old is Betty White, by the way?) but basically we all have the same shoddy mechanics, which is why we start falling apart at a certain point.

My Brother the Doctor, let me note, is only 40. Easy for him to say. (bitch!) I hope to talk to him in 10 years and ask how his colonoscopy was.

But, for now, I am ending Day 3 of my Ensure Diet, struggling through another minor health glitch, and really, really praying that it doesn't get worse at 60. Because I am all about keeping my expectations reasonable these days.

So... anyone want to grab a burger while I stare at it?

WHAT NOW (WITH NO QUESTION MARK)

2010-01-19T22:29:00.005-05:00

Martha Coakley lost the US Senate race in Massachusetts tonight, and suddenly every one sees a sea change. Even an "epic" one, according to the news item I linked to.

And I say: Eh.

There are probably a couple thousand people right now -- most of them not in Massachusetts, but rather in the White House or on K Street -- thinking about their paychecks and wringing their hands and wondering "what now?" They are worthless.

Take the question mark away and think: "What now!"

Now maybe the Obama administration and congressional leadership will "man up" (sorry, females! Believe me; if we could change places...) and fight the political ground war they have needed to fight for the past 14 months. Yes, 14 months; Bush was still in the White House for two months while the Democrats were starting the diddling and compromising and hedging that would mark the first year of this administration and lead us to today.

Now maybe Obama, Reid and Pelosi will have an incentive to propose a legislatve package -- and I'm not just talking health care here -- that will look more like a platform than ideas written and re-written on a dry-erase board. Note to the leadership: it's hard to support your package if, every other minute (or every other senator... or representative...), you've changed what's inside the box.

Now maybe Obama -- and this one is exclusively the President's prerogative -- will get out in public to sell his agenda. You want an example? In 1981, a seriously underestimated Ronald Reagan bypassed Tip O'Neill and the Washington establishment and sold his agenda direcrtly to the public. No comment about the net result; just about the salesmanship.

We have a president who can command the networks pretty much whenever he wants, and what do we get? Nothing.

On a more "micro" scale, he can do things like, oh, speak out against anti-LGBT discrimination in California and Maine, or support Martha Coakley before the last hour, and... he does nothing?

Listen, I do not want to be president of the United Stated of America. I've got enough on my plate without having to worry about Bradykins starting world wars. But if you want to look for a reason Massachusetts (or "Massachusettes," as it was spelled in one Coakley commercial, which was another problem..) went to the dark side, don't only flip out over Scott Brown or the RNC or the Tea-Baggers.

This problem starts at home -- home being 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue -- and it starts with a determined reluctance to chart and advocate for a vision.

Incoming senator Scott Brown (R-MA) is not your problem. Neither were the California and Maine votes. They are all the results of problems of your own making. Our own making, for offering blind support, but getting nothing in return except platitudes.

Whoever told the Washington elite they were above politics deserves some sort of prize for fiction.

Now get the fuck to work! The rest of us who aren't employed by the administration or congress are waiting.

AN IDEA SO BAD IT'S BRILLIANT!

2010-01-13T15:46:00.010-05:00

On the surface, a remake of Ferris Bueller's Day Off sounds like a terrible idea. But this can be saved, and I'm just the man to come to the rescue.

My solution? Bring back the original cast. Let's see, we have...

Matthew Broderick

Mia Sara

Alan Ruck

Jennifer Grey

Jeffrey Jones

Charlie Sheen

and Ben Stein.

Now be honest: With this cast, you would totally park your ass in a theater for 90 minutes, right?

INVISIBLE BOOKS

2010-01-13T09:49:00.002-05:00

I've written about this before, but the GLAAD Media Award nominees have been announced and I'm pissed off again, so here we go.

My comments from 2005 remain relevant:

There are all sorts of LGBT/GLBT/whatever awards for all sorts of things, and GLAAD has no problem doubling-up on some of these. For instance, there are gay music awards, gay journalism awards, and gay film awards. I wouldn't be especially surprised if there were even gay comic book awards given out somewhere. In these categories, GLAAD boldly goes where everyone has gone before.

But apparently if you put a book in front of them, their heads explode. The lack of a GLAAD award for literature is an egregious oversight.

I guess we live in a world where Entertainment Weekly, The Real World: Brooklyn and One Life to Live are considered more worthy of praise from a national gay organization than gay fiction and nonfiction. Oh, when the gay independent bookstores close their doors and the national chains marginalize us, they will issue a press release and express regrets. But will they help promote the industry?

No.

Which means that GLAAD is part of the problem.

Again.

"FARB AT 10"

2010-01-08T09:19:00.002-05:00

Yes, I know I haven't updated for one month. But it's not as if anyone is reading this blog anymore, so no harm, no foul.

Still, I have a good excuse. No doubt you have heard that Jay Leno will probably lose his 10:00 PM slot on NBC. Well... what do you think of the concept of "FARB at 10"?

Yes, I am talking about a nightly hour-long talk show hosted by Famous Author Rob Byrnes, with guests including my friends from the writing, blogging, and Facebook communities, as well as other people whose worlds revolve around my sun. (Billy Hufsey, I'm talking to you! You, too, Gary Coleman-Byrnes!) I think you'll agree this is The Most Awesome Idea Evar.

There is, however, one tiny little hitch. NBC has yet to seal the deal. Fortunately, I am a reasonable ~~man~~ celebrity, so I'm sure this is only a formality, but it would be helpful if you and your friends expressed your support directly to NBC.

Here is the link. You know what to do with it.

See ya on the tube!

GOLDEN OLDIES

2009-12-08T06:32:00.001-05:00

Billy Hufsey is 51 today. He is Teh Old.

CHECKING OUT THE COMPETITION

2009-12-04T11:01:00.004-05:00

By now, most of the 2009 Lambda Literary Award submissions have been posted. My category:

GAY MYSTERY
Aloha, Candy Hearts, Anthony Bidulka, Insomniac Press

The 38 Million Dollar Smile, Richard Stevenson, MLR Press

Bangkok Dragons, Cape Cod Tears, Randall Peffer, Big Earth Publishing/Bleak House Books

Murder on Camac, Joseph RG DeMarco, Lethe Press

Glad Hand Saloon, Steve Scott, Smoke Tree Press

Nothing/Everything Disconnects/Connects, William Lester Tarvin, Xlibris

A Murderous Ball of Fluff, Ken Lansdowne, H Publishing

Straight Lies, Rob Byrnes, Kensington Publishing

What We Remember, Michael Thomas Ford, Kensington Publishing

Love and Genetic Weaponry, Lee Patton, Alyson Books

Mahu Vice, Neil Plakcy, Alyson Books

Murder in the Garden District, Greg Herren, Alyson Books

It's good I mentally took myself out of the running when I started work on my manuscript back in 2007 (for reasons of content, kids; not quality), because that's a tough, tough list of books and writers.

Although I already stole one Lammy, so you never know...

THIS IS WHAT COWARDICE LOOKS LIKE

2009-12-03T13:07:00.002-05:00

This is what you look like when you know how you should vote, but don't have the courage.

Pretty, isn't it?

I knew Jim Alesi in passing back in the '90s, and expected better. I think it's obvious he did, too, from the look on his face.

But his vote, well... it is what it is. Now it's a piece of history.

His history.

TOLD YOU SO

2009-12-02T16:59:00.002-05:00

Obviously, I had hoped that the New York State Senate would vote in favor of marriage equality, but the fact that it went down to defeat doesn't surprise me. Okay, maybe the margin of defeat -- 38 opposed, 24 favor -- was a shock, but not the defeat itself.

But this is only a temporary setback, I think. 2010? 2011? They'll be here soon. And while no one should have to wait for fairness and equality, that's how it breaks sometimes.

And now we know the names of 38 elected officials who have voted against equality. Most of them have spent decades trying to be everyone's friend, slapping the backs of the very voters whose equality they oppose. Now we know that those 38 men and women are not our friends.

The New York State Senators Against Equality:
Joseph Addabbo (D) — NO
James Alesi (R) — NO
Darrel Aubertine (D) — NO
John Bonacic (R) — NO
John DeFrancisco (R) — NO
Ruben Diaz (D) — NO
Hugh Farley (R) — NO
John Flanagan (R) — NO
Charles Fuschillo, Jr. (R) — NO
Martin Golden (R) — NO
Joseph Griffo (R) — NO
Kemp Hannon (R) — NO
Shirley Huntley (D) — NO
Owen Johnson (R) — NO
Carl Kruger (D) — NO
Andrew Lanza (R) — NO
Bill Larkin (R) — NO
Kenneth LaValle (R) — NO
Vincent Leibell (R) — NO
Tom Libous (R) — NO
Elizabeth Little (R) — NO
Carl Marcellino (R) — NO
George Maziarz (R) — NO
Roy McDonald (R) — NO
Hiram Monserrate (D) — NO
Thomas Morahan (R) — NO
Michael Nozzolio (R) — NO
George Onorato (D) — NO
Frank Padavan (R) — NO
Michael Ranzenhofer (R) — NO
Joseph Robach (R) — NO
Stephen Saland (R) — NO
James Seward (R) — NO
Dean Skelos (R) — NO
William Stachowski (D) — NO
Dale Volker (R) — NO
George Winner (R) — NO
Catherine Young (R) — NO

They do not deserve the votes or financial support of the LGBT community. And now they are On The Record.

On the other hand, you should support these state senators, who had the courage to do the right thing:
Eric Adams (D)
Neil Breslin (D)
Martin Malave Dilan (D
Tom Duane (D)
Pedro Espada (D)
Brian Foley (D)
Ruth Hassell-Thompson (D)
Craig Johnson (D)
Jeffrey Klein (D)
Liz Krueger (D)
Velmanette Montgomery (D)
Suzi Oppenheimer (D)
Kevin Parker (D)
Bill Perkins (D)
John Sampson (D)
Diane Savino (D)
Eric Schneiderman (D)
Jose Serrano (D)
Malcolm Smith (D)
Daniel Squadron (D)
Toby Ann Stavisky (D)
Andrea Stewart-Cousins (D)
Antoine Thompson (D)
David Valesky (D)

GIOVANNI'S ROOM READ-A-THON TOMORROW

2009-11-20T12:59:00.002-05:00

Hey, people! If you're in the Philadelphia or Philadelphia-adjacent vicinity tomorrow evening (that would be Saturday, November 21), plan to join me and more than 20 other LGBT writers for a Read-A-Thon to benefit Giovanni's Room, one of our finest independent bookstores, and the Lambda Literary Foundation.

The evening -- which will be held inside the bookstore at South 12th Street and Pine Street in Philadelphia -- kicks off at 7:00 PM, and features the following authors:

Radclyffe
Paul Russell
Mark Merlis
Rob Byrnes (that's me!!)
Bob Smith
Cheril N. Clarke
Victoria Brownworth
Scott Sherman
David Carter
S. Renee Bass
bobbi marolt
Ken Harvey
Thom Nickels
Elliott Mackle
Brian Sloane
Tim Brough
Steve Berman
Perry Brass
Jim Gladstone
Bill Konigsberg
Livia Lllewellyn
Malinda Lo

I'll be reading on the first floor at 8:30, by the way. Not that I'm putting any pressure on you. Nuh-uh.

100% of the proceeds from tickets sales will be donated to the two sponsors. The suggested donation is $25 and tickets are available at the door. (You can also get tickets at all four TLA Video stores.)

Oh yeah, there will also be wine and snacks. I am unfortunately on a medically-prescribed liquid diet right now, but -- fortunately -- wine qualifies!

So come here us read! Come buy books! Come meet FARB and Bradykins!

Doesn't that sound like the Best. Saturday night. Ever?

DRUDGE NAILS DRUNKY McDEMOCRAT

2009-11-19T13:56:00.004-05:00

Oops! Looks like John Kerry's daughter got picked up for DWI last night. Thank God for Matt Drudge, who put it on his website, or I would not have known this.

The lesson obviously is that Democrats are irresponsible drunkards (yay!) who endanger the lives of others (uh... boo!) Bad Democrats! Bad!

Huh? Oh, this? Nothing to see here. Move along please.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?

2009-11-14T09:38:00.002-05:00

Joe.My.God. commenters? Fark commenters? Come here a sec and have a listen.

IT'S SATIRE!!!!! What the hell is wrong with you people?!!!

Sigh. This is why we can't have nice things on the Internet.

THE HIGH COST OF NOT SAYING THANK YOU

2009-11-13T15:43:00.002-05:00

Chris Crocker didn't get a fruit basket, and now he hates.

Life is cruel and tough, it is...

PROOFREADING MATTERS

2009-11-13T14:27:00.002-05:00

Around this time of year, I get inundated with sales solicitations. (Thanks, Crain's New York!) Like this one that appeared in my in-box this morning:

I'm reaching out in regards to your marketing efforts. Here at [redacted] we have been working with companies like yours in regards to their marketing...

[snip]

PS - With our wide range of services and value, there are many project we can't handle.

I know what I meant. I also know he typoed himself out of business consideration and straight into mockery.

NO CONTROVERSY ALLOWED IN ODD OR EVEN YEARS

2009-11-12T09:38:00.004-05:00

From Gay City News on the New York State Senate's new commitment to bring the marriage equality bill to a vote:

The commitment brokered did not come easy. According to several sources with direct knowledge of the discussions, for much of the day the leadership held out for its status quo position — that a vote would come only when success was assured, whatever that means precisely. In addition to the accountability issue, that made it likely the bill’s consideration would spill over into 2010, an election year for governor and the Legislature, the wrong time for taking action on controversial issues.

You know what? New York State senators serve two-year terms, so they can always claim it's "the wrong time for taking action on controversial bills." It's always either an election year or the year before that. I'm glad LGBT advocates didn't let the senate leadership get away with that bullshit claim.

By the way, a friend e-mailed me yesterday after my rant was posted here to tell me he thought I was being rash, and that a straight up-or-down vote could result in defeat of the legislation. To which I said, "I know that. In fact, that wouldn't surprise me."

If the bill is defeated, it can always be reintroduced. The State Assembly routinely voted down LGBT equal rights legislation for years until it finally passed. If the majority of the Senate does not support marriage equality, the world won't end. We can go on to fight another day.

But how is not voting for the bill better than losing a floor vote? Answer: it isn't.

And I want all of them -- Democrat, Republican, conservative, progressive, moderate, male, female, Upstate, Downstate -- to go on the record. I want to know who my friend are, and I want to know who isn't my friend.

AIN'T GOT THE TIME

2009-11-11T13:26:00.002-05:00

So let me get this straight... so to speak.

Barack Obama is just too damn busy to deal with Don't Ask/Don't Tell and DOMA. Was so busy, in fact, that he couldn't even voice an opinion on the referendums in Maine and Washington. Couldn't utter "support" or "oppose," for that matter, because there's just so much to do and he's in constant motion rushing from one economic thing to another military thing to another global warming thing without a single moment to catch his breath, because if he broke his stride the world economy would collapse and Pakistan would nuke Albania and terrorists would attack Six Flags Over Tulsa.

Uh... okay.

Fortunately, the New York State Senate can always be counted on to go one step further.

Challenged by Governor Paterson and the Empire State Pride Agenda to vote up or down on a same-sex marriage bill, many senators are claiming that they shouldn't vote on it at all, because the state economy demands all their attention.

Okay, it's true that the New York State economy sucks, as it does for many states. But it's also true that these 62 men and women are not spending their every waking moment crunching numbers. Quite the contrary.

Hey -- I worked for the state legislature for 14 years. I know how Albany works, and at any given time probably 58 of them are milling aimlessly around the Senate floor like herd animals looking for a patch of grass to chew.

Moreover, how difficult can it be to vote "yes" or "no" on a same-sex marriage bill. Is this a new issue to them? One they had never before thought about? Of course not.

They don't want to vote because they don't want to take a position. Because, for all their occasional bombast, almost every one of them is afraid to not be everything to everyone.

In the New York State Senate, you don't even need to use your voice to vote. You just push a button. Any one of 20 digits -- plus, perhaps, one's chin or nose -- can do the job.

So it's not a matter of time, it's a matter of will.

And, yes, it's a matter of principle. Or lack thereof.

Do the right thing, senators. Vote yes, or vote no. But have the decency to let us know where you stand before this year ends.

ONE OF THESE THINGS IS NOT LIKE THE OTHERS

2009-11-04T11:23:00.004-05:00

Can you figure out which one of these Drudge Report headlines doesn't belong in the set?

Good job! You're already smarter than 52% of Maine!

HEADS UP!

2009-11-04T00:40:00.002-05:00

The ~~Republicans~~ New, Pure Republicans have apparently developed the perfect strategy for a 535-member Democratic congressional majority! Ingenious!

Let the purges begin!

MY PHILOSOPHY; THEN VOTE FOR THESE PEOPLE

2009-11-02T20:55:00.010-05:00

Wow... it's been so long since I blogged that I almost couldn't find my password. Uh... sorry. For future reference, that password is: BUY-BYRNES-BOOKS... although I suppose I have to change it now. Wouldn't want you messing up my Twitter feed, and all that.

Anyway, before I give you my endorsements -- which you will obey -- you should know what I think about politics. Not the bullshit that idiots on the left and idiots on the right ascribe to me when they make assumptions (based on, uh, no facts) about my beliefs; the real deal. Read it, judge it, then decide.

Hmm. Maybe I shouldn't term those people "idiots." They're probably smart... ish. Just unable to think outside the talking points. But it would be convenient if they'd coordinate, because -- when I can read on one night I'm getting my talking points from Bush/Cheney, and on another that I'm part of the gay outing clique. Eh... that's the Internet for you. No one -- especially that NG/Nelson guy, who is probably the most humorless fool with a computer (remember?) -- has to think too hard, otherwise it would hurt.

So, here are a few things I believe:

1. The government doesn't owe you a living. Get off your ass and work, dammit! But:

2. If you can't work, the government owes you a decent living. Not a great living, but decent. Did you ever notice how almost everyone opposed to "government handouts" is able-bodied and employed? And did you ever notice the minute they become handicapped or unemployed, their attitude changes? Yeah. But:

3. Every time you fall, it's not the government's fault. Or even the private sector's fault. Maybe not even your fault. Still, pick yourself up and go for it again. And again, and again.

PERSONAL INTERJECTION: Almost 13 years ago, I moved to Manhattan from Upstate New York (after a very successful 14-year career with the New York State Assembly) and figured I'd have no problem getting a high-paying job. I was wrong; months later I started rebuilding my career from scratch. If, at age 38, I could start all over again like I was fresh out of college, you can, too. Nothing wrong with a little humility in exchange for a paycheck.)

4. Coming out was the best thing that happened to me... NOT because it saved my life (which, of course, it did), but because it helped me gain an insight into what it was like to NOT be a heterosexual WASP male. As a result, I grew to have empathy with people who were not Just. Like. Me. And, yes, my eyes opened to a lot of things I hadn't noticed before.

5. I believe scare tactics -- every Muslim is carrying an IED; every grandma is going to the death panel -- are childish and beneath us.

6. I am pro-choice, but not always comfortable with that. I think money spent on abortions would be better spent on preventing abortions. Pretending no sex is happening doesn't stop people from having sex; it only causes more problems. So that's where some money should go, right?

7. I believe that gay men, lesbians, bisexuals, and transgenders deserve every legal right given to every other citizen of the United States of America.

Uh... and I haven't even touched foreign policy. Whatever; we'll do that next year. Anyway, your votes should go to:

Jon Corzine, for Governor of New Jersey. Two reasons: Republican Chris Christie is a hypocritical, reprehensible, anti-gay right-winger. Also, he's fat. Okay, scratch, #2: I'm fat, so I don't care about that. I only care that Jon Corzine is doing his best in a tough economy, and he's an inclusive governor. The GLBT community is not part of a Chris Christie "vision." Beyond that, his economic vision isn't in line with current realities.

Bill Owens for Congress, NY 23 CD -- He would probably deserve to be elected anyway. But the Classy Opposition in the wake of Assemblywoman Dede Scozzafaza's withdrawal makes this easy.

Dan Garodnick and Jessica Lappin for New York City Council: both hard-working, both honest, both an asset to a body that needs more hard work and honesty.

Denise Murphy McGraw for Niskayuna Town Board: I knew her when. She was good then, and she gets better and better. Niskayuna, are you listening?

Mike Bloomberg or Bill Thompson for Mayor of New York: Yes, I know... the ultimate wimp out. But these are two skilled managers, and the fact that New York City has these opponents -- instead of two talentless hacks -- as contendors to be its next mayor is a sign of progress. Vote your conscience.

Maine and Washington: Vote pro-Gay and pro-equality. Protect yourself and your fellow citizens.

Remember to do the right thing tomorrow and vote. Correctly.

Otherwise, I'm coming over for a little talk...

EACH IN HER STYLE A DELILAH REBORN...

2009-08-31T21:36:00.003-04:00

So earlier tonight I learned that I am not the only one who has a fantasy of winning MegaMillions just so I can invest it in a screen version of Follies.

Done right, of course. Otherwise, it becomes a screen version of A Little Night Music. (Much as I love that show, Pauline Kael is right about the movie.)

Anyway, all we need is, uh, $80 million dollars to make this happen. If you all send a mere $500,000, we're almost there.

But what a cast we developed at the bar tonight! Invest soon, or we're gonna lose a lot of them... and by "lose a lot of them," I don't mean to other projects:

Buddy Plummer: Mandy Patinkin
(He rocked in the concert version; now he's old enough to play Buddy for real)
Sally Plummer: Bernadette Peters
(No longer the coquette; time to let those lungs sing mournfully)
Ben Stone: Richard Gere
(Not a great singer, but this role could be just right)
Phyllis Stone: Meryl Streep
(Meryl singing "Could I Leave You?" OMG!)

Carlotta Campion: Goldie Hawn
(The '60s hippie is now 60-something. That works.)
Hattie Walker: Elaine Stritch
(Cliched, perhaps, but com'on!)
Heidi Schiller: Barbara Cook
(Perfect!)
Solange Lafitte: Leslie Caron
(Maybe the most tick-tock of the bunch...)
Stella Deems: Chita Rivera
("Who's That Woman?" may be the last great chance for Chita and Leslie to show off those gams!)
Dmitri Weissman: Mickey Rooney
(Perfect career symmetry: juvenile to elder; plus, we could write in a dance number for him... just for fun.)
Roscoe: Len Cariou
(Career Achievement Award)

There are a few roles -- including all The Youngs -- to cast, but weigh in now. Also, send that huge check so we can do this right!

BACK TO WORK

2009-08-29T10:25:00.002-04:00

Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly.

And, for all the bitching and laziness and self-doubt and more laziness, Famous Author Rob Byrnes has gotta write again.

CHAPTER ONE

Mae West stood on the stage, staring at the slight young man with the slicked-back hair until, realizing that his voice was now the only sound in the theater, he fell silent.

"Who's doing the rehearsing here? Me, or you?"...

And so, 16 months and much more talk than typing later, we begin again...

AM IN YUR SANKTITY OF MARRIAGE. DESTROYIN.

2009-08-13T04:18:00.001-04:00

Congratulations, homos. Another one down.

Is there anything we can't do?

MY FIRST BIRTHER!

2009-08-03T06:37:00.003-04:00

Check out the comment on last night's post. I am SO excited!

And -- if he even returns (which I doubt) -- wait until he finds out I'm a 'mo. Not to mention almost from Canada! His Tea Partying head will asplode!

Just doing my part to thin the herd...

PLAYING WITH THEIR SPAM

2009-08-02T21:45:00.004-04:00

Remember the fun we used to have? Yeah... good times. So if we can have fun with my spam, theirs should be fair game, too. Presenting...

Dearest Beloved in Christ Dr. Orly Taitz Esquire,

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Doctor Nurly Uhruji, a doctor at the Kenya Medical Centre in Mombasa, Kenya, wich is a hospital at which I am a doctor. I bring you good wishes for your health and wellbeing as well as those of your wives and childrens and trheir childrens and your aunts and uncles also.

I write to you today about great American controversy about your president Barack Obama's birth certificate. In Kenya we are proud thate your americn president Obama is Kenyan, and we do not understand why he rejects his birthright. Nonetheless, we have been silent about this matter for discretionry reasons, because we do not want to compromise a great Kenyan as he prepares to rule the world for all Kenyans and Muslins.

Unfortunately, however, my wife has died in a suspicious plane crah with the president of Burndi, leaving me with twelve small children to raise, all under age 8. Therefore I need money. However, I am not asking you for funds as donation, but in exchange I can give you the original Barack Hussein Muhammed Killwhitey Obama birth certificate as filed in Kenya Medical Centre in Mombasa Kenya, where I work as a doctor.Please note that this is not a "Certificate of Live Birth" or something equally shady or criminal. It is in fact a long-form birth certificate.

I will take this document at great risk of serious injury or even death, leaving my children orphans who will have to ask for funds on the internt, but I would like to be adequately compensated for my risk. Therefor, if you want to receive this document, please prepare to wire $10,000,000.00 to me as soon as you can. Otherwise, I will have to send e-mail to Glenn Beck.

Sincerely, Doctor Nurly Uhruji

What do you know... sometimes this approach seems to work!

INTERNATIONAL AFFAIRS

2009-08-02T18:17:00.003-04:00

The problem with quickly scanning headlines is that you can get the wrong impression. This headline, for instance, made me think the "Tea Party" and "Birther" movements had spread to Thailand:

Loudmouths gather for Thai screaming contest

Alas, we still own the phenomenon. USA! USA!

I'LL BET IT WASN'T PERFUME

2009-07-30T08:32:00.002-04:00

Almost certainly, it was cologne.

Specifically:

THE SCARIEST THING YOU'LL READ TODAY

2009-07-27T16:30:00.001-04:00

According to this survey, Ann Coulter is saner than 96% of WorldNetDaily readers.

Think about it.

A FORTUNATE SERIES OF EVENTS FOR WHICH I WILL TAKE CREDIT

2009-07-27T15:23:00.004-04:00

1977-1981: Union College in Schenectady, NY was a sleepy campus until I came along and taught them how to have a good time.

1981-2006: Students at Union College continued to perfect their "having a good timedness" to the point where Republican United Stated Representative John Sweeney decided to drop in uninvited at a fraternity party. The subsequent, and inevitable, photo op proved to be one of several nails in the coffin of his political career, and he lost to newcomer Kirsten Gillibrand.

Sweeney, probably before he started chanting "Toga! Toga! Toga!"

January, 2009: United States Representative Kirsten Gillibrand was appointed to the U.S. Senate to replace Hillary Clinton. Union College continued to perfect its partying.

July 27, 2009: Senator Gillibrand announced that she had gotten an agreement that Senate hearings to repeal Don't Ask/Don't Tell will be scheduled for the fall of 2009.

Also on July 27, 2009: The hard work of Union College students from 1977 through 2009 was finally rewarded, when the school was named the thirteenth biggest party school in the nation by the Princeton Review, the only New York college to make the list.

And to think... if I had never gone to Union, there would have been no Sweeney scandal, meaning no Gillibrand, meaning no DADT Repeal hearings.

Sometimes, I even amaze myself with my awesomeness.

E. LYNN HARRIS, 1955-2009

2009-07-24T14:46:00.003-04:00

News comes today that bestselling novelist E. Lynn Harris died yesterday at age 54. Although details are sketchy, this has been confirmed by those close to him.

The award-winning Harris was an extreme rarity among openly gay writers who write on LGBT themes: he was a best-seller with a broad fan base. Moreover, the man who once sold copies of his book store-to-store from his car trunk never forgot his roots, and always worked closely with gay independent bookstores when he was touring.

The very small world of gay writing lost a big one yesterday. He will be missed.

CHELSEA SCHILLING, WE HAVE A FEW PROBLEMS

2009-07-23T13:25:00.003-04:00

Chelsea Schilling must be too stupid to breathe on her own. Seriously, is her IQ over 40? Then again she writes for WorldNetDaily -- the journal of record for the tin foil helmet set -- so intelligence would be a decided liability.

Good thing Chelsea Schilling is a drooling moron. She fits right in, especially with this "article":

On this week's 40th anniversary of the Apollo 11 moon landing, President Obama praised the pioneering American astronauts and recalled his own childhood memories in Hawaii of NASA capsules splashing down in the Pacific.

But Houston, we have a problem. The president actually lived in Indonesia in 1969.

[snip]

During his speech with the Apollo 11 crew, Obama told the astronauts:

"The country continues to draw inspiration from what you've done. I should note, just personally, I grew up in Hawaii, as many of you know, and I still recall sitting on my grandfather's shoulders when those capsules would land in the middle of the Pacific and they'd get brought back and we'd go out and we'd pretend like they could see us as we were waving at folks coming home. And I remember waving American flags and my grandfather telling me that the Apollo mission was an example of how Americans can do anything they put their minds to."

However, Obama lived in Indonesia as a child, from 1967 to 1971, with his mother and stepfather – and not with his grandfather and grandmother, Stanley and Madelyn Dunham, in Hawaii.

Despite several statements made by the president about his childhood years in Jakarta, Obama's own White House biography begins with his alleged birth in Hawaii Aug. 4, 1961, and makes no mention of Indonesia.

It was not until Obama turned 10 that he moved to Honolulu to live with his grandparents....

Okay, since Chelsea Schilling seems to have less intelligence than the average radish, let's help her out.

1. Obama didn't say he witness the recovery of the Apollo 11 capsule. He said he witnessed the recovery of Apollo capsules.

2. While the Apollo 11 splashdown was in 1969, there were a number of subsequent splashdowns after 1971... in other wo0rds, after Obama moved to Hawaii.

3. Do you understand yet, dumbass?

Chelsea Schilling must be making a play to become Queen of the Birthers. I'd say she meets all the analytical and intellectual requirements for the job.

[Postscript: why continually spell out the full name "Chelsea Schilling." Because I want this to be Googlable, of course!]

LE CHAPEAU

2009-07-20T05:14:00.004-04:00

You ~~ask~~ beg, I respond. Presenting: The Hat.

These photos were taken a few weeks ago when I made my appearance in Rehoboth Beach. Now my dozens of daily blog readers who weren't in attendance can witness the awesomeness of the hat!

With Chance Mitchell
of the National Gay & Lesbian Chamber of Commerce

With Bradykins, at Gallery 50

Watch for future appearances in and around my apartment complex...

BY THE NUMBERS

2009-07-15T10:26:00.002-04:00

A time summary of my recently-completed trip to Atlanta:

Total hours between 4:30 AM Monday car service to Newark Airport through 7:00 PM Tuesday arrival back home:
38.5

Hours spent sleeping:
7

Hours spent sleepwalking/locking self out of hotel room/waking up and going to front desk wearing only shorts and polo shirt to be let back into room:
0.5 (est.)

Hours spent in bars:
2.5

Hours spent at Outwrite Bookstore for reading and signing:
2

Hours spent practicing for reading and signing:
2.5

Hours spent unwinding in hotel room:
3

Hours spent walking the streets of Atlanta:
2

Hours spent showering and caffeinating:
1

Hours spent going to airports, passing through security screening, waiting to fly, flying, killing more time in airports, and returning from airports:
18

My life is awesome and glamorous, isn't it? Please try to contain your jealousy.

ON TO ATLANTA

2009-07-10T14:56:00.003-04:00

Hmm. Apparently I have a blog. Who knew?

Sorry for the neglect around this place, but I'm going to try to be better. Not that you haven't heard that before.

But, before getting better, I need to get to Atlanta. If you're around, come see me as I make an appearance at Outwrite Books on Monday night. The deets:

Maybe this weekend I'll share some pics from Rehoboth. Would that make you forgive me?

REHOBOTH!

2009-06-25T16:39:00.001-04:00

I'll see you there, right?

Rob Byrnes: Straight Lies
Reading & Signing
Food, Drink, Byrnes!
Saturday, June 27, 2009
7:00 PM to 9:00 PM
Gallery 50
50 Wilmington Avenue
Rehoboth Beach, DE

Don't make me beg.

NEW MOCKABILITY!

2009-06-20T23:47:00.003-04:00

OMG! OMG! OMG! [Do you feel the irony?]

This guy makes our friends at Queerty sound like brain surgeons.

Nature hates a vacuum, so this is what eventually had to happen when Brat Boy disappeared... Zac?! Time to get busy!

THE DEMOCRATIC FIRING SQUAD (AND OTHER AMUSEMENTS)

2009-06-09T19:39:00.003-04:00

For the next couple of weeks, I'm going to be too busy to maintain this blog in the manner to which you've become accust--

Oh, hell, who am I fooling? I'm trying to be a better blogger again! But micro-updates on Facebook and Twitter are easier. Forgive me! I'll get back into it soon.

But not for another few weeks. In the meantime, here are a few (relatively short) things on my mind. Because when you're old, like ~~I am~~ Billy Hufsey is, you turn into Andy Rooney and Larry King. (You think I mock? Well, yes... but I'd trade my dignity for their income any day.)

Oh, and -- here's some irony for you -- each item is short, but cumulatively it adds up to one long-ass entry. Still, I have to grab my free half-hours when I can get them. Anyway...

ALBANY, TURNCOATS, AND GAY MARRIAGE

Yesterday's coup in Albany was sort of bad for the Democrats, but probably won't have much impact on the Marriage Equality bill. Frankly (and with hope that I am wrong), I never saw this as its year. Marriage equality will come to the Empire State soon, but not, I think, in the 2009-2010 session.

Again, I hope I'm wrong, but I worked there for 14 years... which, for the uninitiated, is an obscenely long time for a staff member. I may not have been smart enough to cash in on my career when the going was good, but I'm smart enough to know how Albany works.

In any event gay marriage will rise or (most likely) fall on its support among the elected members of the Senate; not because Malcolm Smith or Dean Skelos is running the chamber.

Still, it's fascinating how the Democrats manage to screw things up over and over and over again. My former employer -- a member of the State Assembly Democratic leadership, circa the late '80s and early '90s -- used to say that New York State Democrats only know one formation for a firing squad: a circle. True that.

ANDY ROONEY/LARRY KING MOMENT NUMBER 1

After a zillion years on a keyboard -- badly on a keyboard, but nevertheless on a keyboard -- I was only recently clued in that Shift-Enter made a line-break. Now I can't stop doing it.

WORLDS COLLIDING!

This is ironic, considering I just sat on a panel at the Saints & Sinners conference on writing while holding down a day job. During the discussion, I said that I was only starting to "come out" as a writer to people I'm associated with professionally, despite the four novels I've had published while I've held the job. I'd never exactly hidden the writing, but I thought the type of admittedly light fiction I write would reflect on my 9-to-5 professional(-ish) persona.

Over the years, of course, many people caught on. Which isn't a surprise when you write and 9-to-5 under the same name (I seldom even use "Robert" at work.) Not a big deal either; I've had a chance to prove myself professionally since 2002, so I have a deep comfort level these days.

Or so I thought. Until a week ago, when my "work" City Council Member friended me (and when did "friend" become a verb?) on Facebook. Followed a few days later by my "work" State Assemblymember. And God only knows who's next.

I accepted the friend requests without comment, but I hope that they realize they've become friends with Famous Author Rob Byrnes, not 9-to-5 Rob Byrnes. If not, well... I'll ply them with many martinis and snap embarassing photos, because that's how FARB handles these potentially awkward situations. Online, I am FARB, and people have to deal with that.

ANDY ROONEY/LARRY KING MOMENT NUMBER 2

When I went to put my contact lenses in on Saturday morning, my right one wasn't in the case. After a quick and unsuccessful inspection of the bathroom, I figured it had fallen into the sink and was gone. So I wore glasses all weekend.

On Monday morning I found it dried out and stuck to a towel. I put it in the case with some solution and, 15 minutes later, it more or less came back to life. Now I can wear contacts again.

Note that none of this would have come close to approaching a crisis if I had picked up my prescription three months ago and had a few replacement pairs in stock. But the moral here is that this blog isn't my only form of procrastination.

SEE ME! FEEL ME! READ ME! INVITE ME!
or: REHOBOTH, ATLANTA, INSIGHTOUT, AND...
SAN FRANCISCO?

Remember I'll be in Rehoboth Beach in two weeks. June 27, to be precise. Details here. Please come.

And I'll be making my virgin appearance at Atlanta's OutWrite Bookstore on July 13. I have heard nothing but good about Philip Rafshoon and his OutWrite peeps, but I also don't want to be reading alone. So be there!

And this is good news! Straight Lies is the best-selling book right now at InsightOut Book Club! Join the club, discover some great LGBT(QI -- heh heh) writers, and get Straight Lies as an exlusive hardcover. What! is not to love?

Okay, one last thought on this. If I squeeze my pennies until they drip copper blood, I might be able to go to San Francisco in August. Listen, I know I'll never sell enough books to make my trip worth it financially, but that's not the point. Still, I don't want to fly 3,000 miles if I'm reading to air. I know NDT thinks this a good idea (yes, NDT; we are the Odd Couple of the blogosphere), but does anyone else agree?

ANDY ROONEY/LARRY KING MOMENT NUMBER 3
I need to manscape. Or at least trim my eyebrows. Before they look like, well... Andy's or Larry's.

ANDY ROONEY/LARRY KING MOMENT NUMBER 4
OMG! My glass is not half-full. Nor is it half-empty! It's ALL EMPTY!!

Okay, thanks folks! Have a wonderful night!

CRIMES OF LITERATURE

2009-06-02T10:58:00.003-04:00

So I'm reading this article about a rip-off of J. D. Salinger when I come to this:

Author "John David California" said the message was described as a Caulfield-style tribute to a "great inspiration."

"John David California"? What?!

From my novel Trust Funds Boys:

"So who's the guy with Jeffrey Ryan?"

"That," he said, "is John Jacob Venezuela. He has a gossip column in Haute Manhattan which is just about the first thing everyone reads when the magazine comes out. If there is social dirt to dish, he dishes it."

"John David California"... "John Jacob Venezuela"... coincidence? Oh, hell no! I know when I'm being ripped off.

Oh... er... pay no attention to this. That was pure coincidence. *coff*

JUNE UPDATE

2009-06-02T09:20:00.002-04:00

Hmm. Once again, I've realized after the fact that my promotional efforts are a bit scattershot. So for those of you not on my mailing list, read this June update and know All Things FARB. (And how do you get on my mailing list? Simply: just e-mail me.)

*********

Hello, peoples! Happy Monday or Happy June... take your pick! (You picked "Happy June," didn't you. Because almost no one likes Mondays. The exception being Michael Thomas Ford. Go figure.)

Just a few quick updates for you, as well as a Special Guest Perspective on why it's important that you patronize your local independent bookseller (and with which I wholeheartedly agree.) First, though, the updates. Because you need the latest news on Straight Lies and my other novels, or else you will be very, very sad.

UPCOMING STRAIGHT LIES BOOK EVENTS

Rehoboth Beach, DE; Saturday, June 27, 7:00 PM -- 9:00 PM
I'll be reading and signing at Gallery 50 Contemporary Art, 50 Wilimington Avenue
I expect to see everyone in the Washington-Baltimore-Philadelphia vicinity that weekend. Don't make me think you're avoiding me...

Atlanta, GA; Monday, July 13, 7:30
I'll be reading and signing at OutWrite Bookstore & Coffeehouse, 991 Piedmont Avenue
At this event, I'd better see everyone from south of Virginia and east of the Mississippi. Hey, I am flying a long way; the least you can do is show up.

NOW: EVEN MORE BYRNES ON THE INTERNET
Hmm. I just noticed that my website (www.robbyrnes.net) is already out of date. I'll fix that right away (meaning, when I get a chance.) In the meantime, you can still read my blog, become my Facebook friend, and -- brand new! -- follow me on Twitter. (Too much of a good thing? Naaaah.)

MAY IN REVIEW
The Saints & Sinner Literary Festival in New Orleans was fantastic, and I met a lot of great people (and got to see many of my favorites again.) It's hard to think of a single highlight... there were too many of them. But let's just say that the long nightly poolside get-togethers with my friends Becky Cochrane, Timothy J. Lambert, Jeff Ricker, David Puterbaugh, 'Nathan Burgoine, Greg Herren, and assorted spouses and friends made the weekend extra special. (And you should be reading their work, too.) At the end of the month, I attended the Lambda Literary Awards ceremony, where -- despite my best efforts -- I was unable to steal any awards. But I did get to meet writers Bill Konigsberg (a Lammy winner for Out of the Pocket) and Drew Ferguson (a finalist for The Screwed Up Life of Charlie the Second), which sort of made up for it.

SPEAKING OF WRITERS
New book alerts: my friend Frank Anthony Polito's new novel Drama Queers! has just been released! Frank's Band Fags! was one of my favorite books of 2008, so don't miss the new one. Also new: Monday-lover Michael Thomas Ford's What We Remember. Both books are from Kensington Publishing.

AND NOW, ON TO OUR SPECIAL GUEST
Earlier in the month, I had an interesting e-mail exchange with Ed Hermance of Philadelphia's LGBT independent bookstore, Giovanni's Room. Long story short: I asked Ed to put some thoughts together on why we should all be patronizing our independent bookstores, and he sent me the following. I urge you to read it. This is important.

Dear Friends,

Everyone knows that bookstores are in trouble: people don't read as much, in tight times everyone needs to buy at the cheapest price, e-books may catch on and there's so far no role for bookstores in selling e-books, people think they can't buy from local stores via the internet, people spend so much money of technology that they don't have any left for books and movies.

Are there any reasons to buy from a gay bookstore?

A gay store often has a staff of dedicated professionals who have worked with gay materials for many years. In the case of Giovanni's Room, which is my store, the staff has more than a hundred years' experience with lesbian, gay, bi, and trans books and movies. Customers can bring up the most shadowy information for a book or movie they want, and we can often turn the request into a sale or an order. Recently a woman was looking for information that would provide the context for the play she was writing about two African American lesbian teens in love in Greenwich Village in the late 1950s. We were able to produce a stack of ten or so books that bore directly on the subject.

Similarly our experience gives us the best chance to recommend books that you might like. You tell us what you have liked, and we will give you our informed suggestions of what you might to read next.

A regular customer has the advantage of seeing the full range of new books and movies in our subjects and can conveniently survey them in a few minutes. Gay stores assess the gay content of materials in a much more intense and informed way than general booksellers, bricks-and-mortar variety or online. If you want to see what's new, you need to depend on a gay bookseller, online or off.

Your local economy affects your life profoundly. Supporting a local store means that more of your dollars stay in the community where you live. Local stores hire local people, pay local taxes, and pay attention to local interests and concerns. Buying locally reduces your carbon footprint by stopping the long-distance hauling that some imagine is the future of retail business.

Your bookstore probably hosts a number of events, usually readings, each year. Readings can foster a sense of community, even of a transnational community.
A local appearance gives you topnotch, free entertainment-a chance to meet some of the most creative people alive.

Gay stores are perfectly capable of getting you any book available. All booksellers buy from the same sources, so we can buy anything any other online or off line retailer can buy. If you buy every book and movie from an lgbt store, you are increasing its ability to sustain a deeper lgbt inventory.

Thanks, Ed. I couldn't have said it better myself (which, come to think of it, is why I made you write it!)

That's all for this update. Now go make your travel arrangements for Rehoboth and Atlanta!

--Rob

BUT WHO DOESN'T HEART PANDAS?

2009-05-30T11:18:00.002-04:00

Oh! My! God! Best story ever, and somehow I missed it!

(Via this, which is also awesome!)

LAMBDA LITERARY AWARD WINNERS

2009-05-29T10:14:00.002-04:00

But first... I had a great time last night, and met some way fun people that I'm sure will become close friends. Until they get to know me better, at least. I barely caught the last ferry back to New Jersey, meaning I was up far too late... truly the sign of a good time.

Oh, also, someone needs to feed Christopher Rice. Or maybe I'm just jealous... fat and jealous... and bitter.

ANYWAY! Last night's winners were:

BISEXUAL
Open, by Jenny Block, Seal Press

TRANSGENDER
Intersex (For Lack of a Better Word), by Thea Hillman, Manic D Press

LGBT ANTHOLOGIES
Our Caribbean, edited by Thomas Glave, Duke University Press

LGBT CHILDRENS/YOUNG ADULT
Out of the Pocket, by Bill Konigsberg, Dutton
[PS: I met Bill last night and he is so much fun!]

LGBT DRAMA... which sort of seems redundant
The Second Coming of Joan of Arc, by Carolyn Gage, Outskirts Press

LGBT NONFICTION
Loving The Difficult, by Jane Rule, Hedgerow Press

LGBT SCI-FI/FANTASY/HORROR
Turnskin, by Nicole Kimberling, Blind Eye Books

LGBT STUDIES
Criminal Intimacy: Prison and the Uneven History of Modern American Sexuality, by Regina Kunzel, The University of Chicago Press

LESBIAN DEBUT FICTION
The Bruise, by Magdalena Zurawski, Fiction Collective Two/University of Alabama Press

LESBIAN EROTICA
In Deep Waters 2: Cruising the Strip, by Radclyffe and Karen Kallmaker, Bold Strokes Books

LESBIAN FICTION (a tie!)
The Sealed Letter, by Emma Donoghue, Houghton Mifflin Harcourt
All the Pretty Girls, by Chandra Mayor, Conundrum Press

LESBIAN MEMOIR/BIOGRAPHY
Sex Talks to Girls, by Maureen Seaton, University of
Arkansas Press

LESBIAN MYSTERY
Whacked, by Josie Gordon, Bella Books

LESBIAN POETRY
love belongs to those who do the feeling, by Judy Grahn, Red Hen Press

LESBIAN ROMANCE
The Kiss That Counted, by Karin Kallmaker, Bella Books

GAY DEBUT FICTION
Finlater, by Shawn Ruff, Quote Editions

GAY EROTICA
Best Gay Erotica 2009, edited by Richard Labonte & James Lear, Cleis Press

GAY FICTION
We Disappear, by Scott Heim, HarperCollins

GAY MEMOIR/BIOGRAPHY
Edward Carpenter: A Life of Liberty and Love, by Sheila Rowbotham, Verso Books

GAY MYSTERY
First You Fall, by Scott Sherman, Alyson Books

GAY POETRY (another tie!)
Fire to Fire, by Mark Doty, HarperCollins
Now You're the Enemy, by James Allen Hall, University of Arkansas Press

GAY ROMANCE
Got 'til it's Gone, by Larry Duplechan, Arsenal Pulp Press

Congratulations to all the winners! You are now as awesome as I am!

A BOLD AND POSSIBLY DOOMED EXPERIMENT

2009-05-28T15:08:00.002-04:00

I am going to try to Twitter the Lambda Literary Award winners as they are announced tonight.

Note that the word "try" is a central part of the previous sentence. Many factors -- connectivity, darkness, drunkeness, short attention span -- could interfere with my plans. Still, "try" I shall.

To follow the probable debacle, follow me on Twitter!

NOT THAT I WANT TO SAY IT, BUT...

2009-05-26T21:09:00.002-04:00

(via Joe.My.God.)

...I told you so. I told you to vote for Hillary Clinton. Or at least not run away with your expectations for Obama. Like here. And here.

Okay, probably nothing would be any different today. But at least most Clinton supporters didn't have stars in their eyes and think that every time Obama defecated, another rainbow unicorn was born.

So I'm an old cynical guy, mired in Realpolitik. Sue me.

And welcome to the real world.

Now, what to do next? I wish I could answer that easily. We are on the winning curve of success, but we aren't there yet. Still, I think we're so close that political strategizing will prove more potent than blind protest.

Then again, I've been wrong before. Not often, but it's happened.

EVEN MORE OF A GOOD THING

2009-05-26T15:28:00.002-04:00

I forgot to mention this earlier, but -- in addition to this blog, RobByrnes.net, and Facebook -- I'm also now on Twitter. See the sidebar for information on how to ~~follow~~ stalk me.

Okay, admittedly I haven't spent much time yet on Twitter. But I'm getting there. And you wouldn't want to miss those as-they-happen updates on what I'm having for breakfast, would you?

KIDS TODAY

2009-05-26T05:41:00.003-04:00

While scanning my apartment complex's tenant website this morning, the title of the following post jumped out at me:

It's probably a sign of my age that the first thing I thought when I saw "PCP" was that the poster was very audacious. Not "primary care physician."

DISSED AGAIN

2009-05-21T15:27:00.001-04:00

I could have been a ghost-writer! This just isn't fair!

Oh wait. Yes it is.

PEOPLE ARE STRANGE

2009-05-19T22:51:00.003-04:00

I haven't looked at my referrals lately, so... what have we here?

Yep. All kinds of strange.

"Billy Hufsey fucking"? "Sean Penn disembowel"? "Doris Roberts bitch"? "Famous mouth breathers"?

I have the most awesome readers EVER!

But... I can't help you. Billy and I share a birthday, but we haven't shared sex tips. I think he's probably straight. Not that that would prevent him from fucking, but it would probably make me tune out if he was telling me about it.

As for Sean, well... this ain't a snuff blog. Yet. Come back in a few months when I'm really desperate for readers.

Oh, and Doris Roberts probably is a bitch, but -- again -- I have no first hand knowledge. You might want to ask Billy Hufsey.

And I also no longer write about Queerty. So you'll have to find your mouth-breathers on another blog. (Was that mean? My bad.)

But don't give up all hope. I can help you on one search item: "you gave me a chubby."

And so The Paperboy Story reemerges.

Thank you, random Googlers, for helping me feel young and vital for one ~~more~~ last time!

BACK IN BUSINESS

2009-05-18T22:12:00.007-04:00

Hola and holla, kids! (Because it sounds very natural for 50-year-old ultra-WASPs to yell "holla!" But still...)

I am back from the Saints & Sinners Literary Festival with a new attitude. About writing, and maybe about myself as a contributing member to the varied body of gay literature. That's a lot more than I had planned to come home with.

One issue I had hoped to resolve in my head -- but didn't -- is what comes next. I sorta kinda maybe think I know, but I also sorta kinda maybe have to think a bit more.

But what a weekend! What great people!

Some quick mental snapshots:

David Puterbaugh's Airplane Story

Marika's Rendition of "The Lonely Goatherd"...
in a Goat Voice.

Watching David, Jeff Ricker, and 'Nathan Burgoine
Read for the First Time

Waiting for "George Glass"

Sitting on a Panel with ~~Betsy~~ Becky Cochrane, Greg Herren,
Jess Wells, and Marty Hyatt

Meeting and Drinking with Michael
Thomas Ford and Andrew Beierle

And this:

If Jesus was a gay writer, you just know the Last Supper would have been at Jimmy Buffet's Margaritaville in New Orleans, right?

There were too many good times to recount, and too many fun and fascinating people to list without forgetting someone. Trust me: you should have been there.

I was one of the few people without a camera. Which is good for the people whose heads would have otherwise been cut off. But in the next day or two I'll try to link to most of the photo collections from the weekend.

Beyond the fun, though, was some priceless education and -- most importantly -- the kick in the ass I've needed for a quite a while to get back to work. Because writing isn't a hobby you should pick up or drop based on your whim of the day. It is rewarding work, but it is work... and I need to start punching the clock again.

Stay tuned.

BECAUSE IT'S NOT 2001 ANYMORE

2009-04-26T15:42:00.009-04:00

By now, you've seen this photo so much that it probably no longer registers with you.

Yes, it's me. But it's me in the spring of 2001. A lot of time has passed but, on my book jackets (and blog... and Facebook and...) I have remained forever 42 years old.

So a few weeks ago, I did something about that. And now there is a new Official Famous Author Rob Byrnes Head Shot:

And here are some of the runners-up:

The judges said: "Too serious."

The judges said: "These are great if you're running for office. Not so great for a book jacket or poster."

The judges said: "These would be perfect for the day job, but maybe too formal for the book business."

The portraits, by the way, were taken by Ron Jautz of Jautz Photography. He is not responsible for any weight gain, hair loss, or general physical disintegration.

LIFE'S TOUGH WHEN YOU'RE A TEA-BAGGER

2009-04-16T12:52:00.002-04:00

From today's New York Post:

Retired NYPD Lt. Sean Jordan, 43, of Westchester, turned up with his 17-year-old son, Connor, both bearing signs describing their disgust with the economy.

So wait. A 43-year-old man who is retired on a public pension and can now sit on his ass for the next 40 or 50 years courtesy of the taxpayer has the audacity to join in this "tea bag protest"?

I appreciate the job our police officers do for us, but that kind of tea-bagging really takes balls.

MY LAST WORDS ON THE AMAZON FIASCO

2009-04-14T10:03:00.002-04:00

Or should I call it the Amazon Grease Fire. It flared hot for a short time, then someone at Amazon found the baking soda. Now all that remains is a charred frying p--

Oh wait. That metaphor sucks. So let's move on.

As opposed to earlier telling concerned correspondents that many titles (over 57,000) had been reclassified due to "adult content," and then shrugging it off as a "glitch," Amazon now terms what happened "embarrassing and ham-fisted." That is an acknowledgment I can and do readily accept.

While I do not consider the ensuing firestorm (or at least my little part of it) to be embarrassing or ham-fisted, a few notes are in order:

1. Admittedly, I (and thousands of others) first thought this problem mainly affected LGBT books, when there were many other titles that fell into the void. Therefore, while it did effectively wipe LGBT books off the radar for four or five days, I should not have called it "discriminatory."

2. Since Amazon customer service representatives were the first to claim this was the result of corporate policy, I do not regret using words like "idiotic" and "inconsistent." The fact that those representatives passed along bad information is Amazon's fault; not mine.

3. I also don't regret being angry, or writing that the "glitch" excuse was bullshit. I was, and it was.

4. If you have reading comprehension problems (and I think some people do), please read the following words slooooowly:

I. Never. Called. For. A. Boycott.

I. Never. Joined. A. Boycott.
All I wanted was an explanation, and for the problem to be fixed right away. That happened.

5. To the extent anyone didn't know about the problem before I did, I have no regrets about informing them. Writers and publishing professionals should have been clued in -- this directly affected us in the wallet -- and LGBT advocates should also be notified.

6. All in all, the firestorm was worth it. Yes, many people lost their shit over this, but you know what? If people hadn't complained en masse, Amazon might not have felt the necessity and urgency to get to the bottom of the problem... and make sure it doesn't happen again.

7. The victim thing? Yeah, that is totally overplayed these days.

8. I don't consider Amazon to be the enemy. Amazon is a great resource for many people who'd otherwise have no access to LGBT books. (By the same token, not every gay independent bookstore deserves your love. But, again, I'm keeping that rant to myself for now.)

9. And finally... Maybe a few good lessons came out of this. Advocates (of all stripes) can be effective agents for change, but everyone -- including myself -- might want to take a few deep breaths before firing up the torch and storming the castle. Corporate responsiveness -- which, in the end, Amazon demonstrated -- is an effective tool to retain customer; corporate dismissiveness -- which was Amazon's initial response -- is not.

Oh, and the most important thing we learned? After being blacked out since last Thursday, Straight Lies has a sales rank of 30,074 as of this moment.

That's news you can use.

WRITING: IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE (EXCEPT WHEN IT'S NOT)

2009-04-12T19:58:00.006-04:00

Okay, let's get the nitty-gritty out of the way.

There are good things about being a writer, and chief among them is the many fans and friends who support you. Last week's STRAIGHT LIES book party was a great success. More than 90 people showed up, and I sold about 50 copies of STRAIGHT LIES, as well as roughly 18 copies of my backlist. By any measure, that is great, and I want to let my peeps know how much it means to me.

And I need to thank the insanely popular websites Joe.My.God. and The Bilerico Project for giving me the opportunity to connect to their readers in BlogWorld. Not to mention Jonathan Griffith at "Talking About:," who reached out to me and honored a commitment to interview me on what was a very difficult day for him personally.

I make some good friends through this process. That much is very true and so rewarding.

But... God! How come it gets more difficult with every passing year?

I don't mean the actual "selling" part. Back in 2002, I was reticent about selling; these days, I'm much more aggressive. Now I now that you have to keep working it. The thing is... no one else seems to want to work it with you.

I'm not even talking about reviews, either. The bad or "eh" reviews I can mostly shrug off these days. After the first half-dozen one-star reviews, you have to shake your head and think of the people that loved it. Fitzgerald's The Great Gatsby... Doctorow's Ragtime... Wolfe's The Bonfire of the Vanities... they get one-star reviews, too.

The fact is, the earliest reviews of STRAIGHT LIES have been pretty decent. Booklist, Bob Lind in Phoenix's Echo Magazine and the Our Bookshelf website, and EDGE: Boston all gave the book very positive reviews. But when a negative -- or maybe "eh" -- review came late last week from someone I respect, I have to admit I had to take a second, then third, look.

Still, you get past it. You have to.

This week, though...

Okay, I know I should be putting a "sunny-side-up" spin on everything, but I am getting too annoyed to smile about it. Here's the deal:

* A certain LGBT bookseller that is always crying the blues that people are mean to them has not returned my e-mails or phone calls for over a month. So fuck them. I am not going to name names on the blog, but you can e-mail me.

* Based on an informal survey (and a few even more sporadic questions with staffers) at several Barnes & Noble outlets in Manhattan, my book isn't being stocked... at least on a consistent basis. Since I've been telling people they can swing in and buy it anywhere, that sort of sucks the lifeblood out of me.

* And now Amazon.com has decided to label STRAIGHT LIES and my other three books as having "adult content." Not because they are naughty or smutty or erotic, but because they have gay characters! As a result, their sales are no longer ranked, and -- in effect -- my books (not to mention almost all other LGBT books) are marginalized.

And the Amazon policy is my last straw.

I know that I'll get a form letter back from some anonymous person at Amazon, because that's what everyone has received over the past few days, but here's what I wrote a short time ago:

I am the author of four novels -- the most recent of which, STRAIGHT LIES (ISBN 978-0758228574), was released on April 1 -- and understand that sales rankings for my novels, as well as most other gay/lesbian titles, were removed due to "adult content."

Since my novels have no "adult content," I demand an explanation. "The Mysteries of Pittsburgh" has adult content, but is ranked. Diana Gabaldon's "Lord John" books have adult content, but are ranked. So if I have no adult content, I can only assume your policy is based on gay and lesbian writers who write about gay and lesbian characters... not, truly, the adult content in the pages.

Does anyone at Amazon even READ the books you are effectively marginalizing?

You have promulgated an idiotic policy that is applied inconsistently and is discriminatory. I demand it end immediately, and I demand an explanation of (a) why this policy was devised; and (b) why it seems to only apply as a blanket policy to gay and lesbian writers.

Rob Byrnes
Author of STRAIGHT LIES (2009); the Lambda Literary Award-winning WHEN THE STARS COME OUT (2006); TRUST FUND BOYS (2004); and THE NIGHT WE MET (2002)

Days like these, I wonder why I bother. Seriously.

Hopefully, when the sun rises tomorrow morning I'll have an entirely different outlook. But despite all the good -- and there is a lot of good -- I have to wonder if this bullshit on every level is worth it.

Update: Amazon responds, via Publishers Weekly. I'd like to say they at least tried, but this is the most papered-over bullshit I've read in a long time. Still, as I figured, they backtracked like crazy

Because the PW article doesn't always load, and because it's short and fair use, I've done a quick cut-and-paste for you:

Amazon Says Glitch to Blame for "New" Adult Policy
By Rachel Deahl & Jim Milliot -- Publishers Weekly, 4/12/2009 5:49:00 PM
A groundswell of outrage, concern and confusion sprang up over the weekend, largely via Twitter, in response to what authors and others believed was a decision by Amazon to remove adult titles from its sales ranking. On Sunday evening, however, an Amazon spokesperson said that a glitch had occurred in its sales ranking feature that was in the process of being fixed. The spokesperson added that there was no new adult policy.

For most of the weekend on Twitter, in conversations with the hash tag "#amazonfail," users were discussing the fact that the e-tailer was removing the sales rankings for books that it deemed featured "adult content." Many readers, and writers, decried the fact that Amazon appears to be removing the sales ranking for titles that feature gay and lesbian characters and/or themes.

The director of the Erotic Authors Association, who goes by the pen name Erastes, told PW that many of her members "noticed their titles had been stripped of their sales rankings" on Amazon. One, Mark Probst, contacted a customer service representative at Amazon and wrote about the exchange on his blog. Probst wrote that the Amazon rep responded to his inquiry by saying that "'adult' material" is being excluded from appearing in "some searches and best seller lists" as a "consideration of our entire customer base."

Whether a glitch or new policy, titles like James Baldwin's Giovanni's Room and Annie Proulx's Brokeback Mountain are among the titles who have lost their ranking.

Total bullshit, of course. If it had any relationship to the truth, they would have fixed "the glitch" as quickly as they threw writers off their lists. But in my case, almost six hours after this idiotic press release, they haven't.

[Update here. All better now.]

"STRAIGHT LIES" MAKES NYT LIST

2009-04-01T07:30:00.002-04:00

Woo-hoo! I just heard that Straight Lies will debut at #9 on this Sunday's New York Times Trade Paperback Bestsellers List! That is all kinds of awesome!

Thanks to everyone for your pre-orders and for flooding the bookstores yesterday.

LAUNCH DAY

2009-03-31T12:57:00.002-04:00

It's heeeeeere!

And I've been so damn busy earning a living that I almost missed the Big Day!

Over at Joe.My.God, Straight Lies is the featured giveaway for this "Swag Tuesday." And novelist Frank Anthony Polito has given me a nice (and unexpected) plug over at Kenneth in the (212).

Oh, and Booklist has reviewd Straight Lies and wrote:

In this caper heist, Byrnes (When the Stars Come Out, 2006) comes up with obstacles likely and improbable as Grant and his longtime lover, Chase, try to steal a compromising videotape of gay film legend Romeo Romero (who’s been out and proud for decades) making hot love in his hot tub to a hot, buxom blond. The actor’s legions of gay fans would reel from the revelation of their Romeo’s closeted heterosexuality, so blackmail’s the scheme. As the two small-time con men try to claw their way up the crime ladder, they add an assortment of larcenous misfits to their gang until it resembles a hilarious bad-dream team. They then fail to secure the tape, so decide to re-create the sex scenario. Of course, everything that can go wrong does, making all the scheming and strategizing that somewhat slow the action resolve into a laugh-out-loud endgame farce with definite switch-hit appeal.

See? Straight Lies will make you laugh out loud. It says so on the Internet, so it must be true.

Finally, I taped an interview recently with Jonathan Griffith of "Talking About:" that has made it to the Internet. Understand that I am not a trained public speaker, and have a bad habit of babbling and mangling the points I want to make, usually inadvertently insulting someone or something in the process. With that in mind, you can spend almost twenty minutes of Quality Byrnes Time by going to the "Talking About:" site and clicking the "Rob Byrnes" tab, or see it here on Google Video.

Oh yeah (speaking of babbling)... remember that Thursday night, April 2, is the book launch party. Show up at the Ritz Bar and Lounge, 369 West 46th Street, between 6:00 PM and 9:00 PM and say hi!

WORST. FAMOUS AUTHOR. EVAR!

2009-03-24T19:43:00.002-04:00

Hi, kids.

You know, for someone with a book coming out in a week -- officially, that is; I hear that some of you have already received your copies of Straight Lies -- I have been extremely negligent with the care and feeding of the blog. Personally, I blame... (closes eyes and randomly points)... Scott-O-Rama and MAK. If they hadn't stopped blogging, this would have been taken care of weeks ago!

So after you send them your hate mail, listen up. I gots things to tell you.

1. I finally once again have a web presence that's not this blog. Go to RobByrnes.net for the latest. And I'll stop you before you go there: yes, it needs work. I have a life, okay? I'll get to everything, including a new staff page (which will only mean something if you've been reading my stuff since 2002. If not, where were you?)

2. My mailing list now stands at about 500 names, but I'm sure I've missed a lot of you. If you want those important updates about Everything Byrnes, e-mail me and I'll add you.

3. If you're going to be in New York City next week, we're havin' a party to launch Straight Lies. The important info:

Straight Lies Book Launch Party
Thursday, April 2, 2009
6:00 PM to 9:00 PM
at
The Ritz Bar & Lounge
369 West 46th Street
Manhattan

No RSVP needed, but I'd love to see you. If you're so inclined, we'll also be selling copies of Straight Lies, as well as my backlist. In fact, we even have a special deal: $40 will get you trade paper copies of Straight Lies, When the Stars Come Out (winner of a Lambda Literary Award I stole from Timothy James Beck), Trust Fund Boys, and The Night We Met... that's $57 worth of literature! Who says I'm not sensitive to the global economy? [Note: AIG bonus babies can get these four books for a mere $915,000... still a value!]

4. Even though you'll no doubt note the Amazon links, please support your local independent bookseller, especially those of the LGBT variety. For a few dollars more on a purchase, you're protecting a valuable institution in our communities. Except that one bookseller that never returns my calls or e-mails. Those people can just wither on the vine until they collapse.

5. Also, InsightOut Book Club members are encouraged to buy their hardcover publication of the book, which I think is scheduled to be a featured selection this spring. If you're not a member... why?

6. And have you bought Fool for Love yet? It is extraordinary! Felice Picano, Greg Herren, Trebor Healey, Andrew Holleran, Joel Derfner, Rob Williams... plus a group of writers you'll be hearing a lot from in the next few decades, including my friends David Puterbaugh, 'Nathan Burgoine, Mark G. Harris, and Jeff Ricker. Not to mention the editors -- Timothy J. Lambert and R. D. Cochrane -- who made even me look good. Buy this book!

7. Which reminds me: R. D. Cochrane -- better known around these parts as "Becks" -- has written an absolutely wonderful sequel to her first solo novel, A Coventry Christmas. I loved A Coventry Christmas, so I don't even know what word to use to describe her follow-up, A Coventry Wedding. It was just about perfect... or maybe it was perfect. Boys and girls, if the idea of a "romance novel" leaves you cold, read these books. I know you'll become a convert.

8. Finally, I need to nod to my favorite book of 2008: Frank Anthony Polito's Band Fags! I loved this book! And I am so excited that the sequel, Drama Queers!, will be out in a few months. Pre-order now.

9. How many times do I have to beg you? MY e-mail is Rob@RobByrnes.net. Do it!

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