THE RULE BOOK
I should have written this.

But before you dismiss us as a bunch of hopeless dipsomaniacs — we do exercise restraint. Most of us are well aware of the serious consequences of drinking far too much on a regular basis, particularly in the morning and at lunch. We call this a "drinking problem," the biggest problem being, of course, that in the long run you will have to either quit drinking or flush your life down the toilet — two equally depressing options which, if you think about it, are tantamount to the same thing.

Read the rest here.
(VIA Fark)