Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Oh, man, this just came to me in a dream. I bet you wish you were only one-tenth as creative as I am, even when I'm sleeping!

I've decided to write next year's holiday blockbuster movie. Get this: Christmas is going to be cancelled because Santa (John Goodman) is depressed. Mrs. Mercedes Claus (Emma Thompson) has had it with the North Pole and moved to Arizona, where she is now divorcing her husband and about to get engaged to an ethically-challenged congressman, Scott Orama (Christopher Walken), who is gearing up his presidential campaign.

But Christmas can't be cancelled, can it? Because not only will little Christian boys and girls around the world be sad, but also the elves will be out of jobs. Seeing this as a labor issue, the head of the International Union of Elves & Reindeer Drivers -- Rufus (Danny DeVito) -- decides he has to find Santa a new wife... or at least get him laid. Enter Hydrangea Wilson (Queen Latifah), a street-smart wisecracking salesclerk who Rufus knows from an old seasonal stint at Macy's. Although Hydrangea is skeptical, Rufus convinces her to leave Brooklyn for the North Pole "for the good of the Christian boys and girls around the world."

Now, no good story is without conflict. Fortunately, my dream provided me with plenty of wacky complications.

First, Mercedes Claus discovers that the special powers she gained when she married Santa (e.g., making animals fly, automatic upgrades on Continental Airlines, etc.) are fading, and will be gone altogether when she finally divorces. Because they both need those powers to make Congressman Orama the next president, she decides to return to the North Pole... at least long enough to recharge. Then, after Orama is elected , she will rejoin him and become First Lady.

Second, Hydrangea must now get used to gaining and using the very powers that Mercedes is starting to lose. Imagine the hilarity when she lays a finger aside of her nose and goes zipping up the chimney! Two words: Comedy! Gold!!

Third, Hydrangea's cynical, wisecracking sister Begonia (Wanda Sykes) is also along for the ride. And when Begonia is around, there's no telling what kind of craziness will ensue!!!

Oh, and I forgot to mention Tina Fey as the humorless, tough-as-nails independent auditor, who thinks she's about to uncover an Enron-sized scandal in the North Pole accounts. And Jimmy Fallon as Santa's bumbling personal assistant. And Bob Newhart as the befuddleed incumbent president.

Coming in December, 2008:




I can probably start spending my new fortune now...