NO WONDER I CAN NEVER FIND A SEAT
Back in the old days, we'd go to coffee shops to, oh, I don't know... drink coffee? I guess another lifestyle trend has passed me by.

Coffee king Starbucks is closing its doors for three long, caffeine-deprived hours at more than 7,000 of its US locations...

Alba Morales, 22, a student at BMCC, noted, "A lot of people come here to make out, read, sleep. I can't imagine how lost people will be tomorrow."

You go to Starbucks to sleep? And make out? Seriously?

Then again, young Alba comes off as a genius compared to this one:

"What am I supposed to do, make it myself?" fumed NYU student Mallory Drew, 18, at the always-packed Lafayette Street and Astor Place location. "I am shocked. Shocked and appalled."

Yeah, honey, you make the fuckin' coffee yourself. Coffee grounds and water. If you look around, you can probably find a scientist to help you. Or if you put some brain power into it, maybe -- just maybe -- you could find another place that sells coffee. Try Google.

Of course, I think we know why Mallory is so distraught. It's not the coffee she wants. No, Alba has already tipped us off that coffee is just an excuse.

In time they'll learn that there are more appropriate venues for sleeping and making out.

Like bars.