SO CLOSE, AND YET SO FAR
Hmm. Moments ago I received a brand new type of spam. (I hope this means that the Nigerian millionaires haven't given up on me. I'll miss them.) "Leonardo" writes:

"LADY READ MY LETTER PLEASE"
Oops. I think Leonardo is under a misunderstanding. Maybe 'Rob' is a girl's name in Italy.

"hi I'M AN ITALIAN GUY,I LIVE IN ITALY AND MY NAME IS LEONARDO. I'm writing to you because maybe you can help me. HERE IN ITALY I DON'T HAVE A GOOD FUTURE BECAUSE THERE IS THE RECESSION-THE DOWN SWING CAUSATED BY OUR NEW MONEY-THE EURO AND ALSO CAUSATED BY OUR GOVERNMENT THAT IS NOT ABLE TO GIVE A HIGHER SALARY TO THE PEOPLE,NOW OUR SALARIES VALUE THE HALF AND THE PRICES OF THE THINGS ARE ALMOST THE DOUBLE."
I know, Leonardo, I know. That 'salaries value the half and the prices of the things are almost the double' thing is very Manhattan, too.

"I'M HERE BECAUSE I'M LOOKING FOR A SUGARMAMMA IN USA AND LATER I COULD ALSO FIND SOMETHING TO DO . I HAVE ALWAYS HAD THE DREAM TO FIND A WEALTHY LADY WHO LIVES IN SOUTH EAST FLORIDA,RIGHT IN THE PALM BEACH COUNTY.....I LIKE ESPECIALLY DELRAY BEACH BUT ALSO I FEEL ATTRACTED BY BOCA RATON..POMPANO BEACH ,JUPITER OR STUART."
Again with the mistaken sexual identity? Not to worry, Leonardo; I can throw on a caftan or something, and play 'sugarmamma' for you. The good news here is that my father and stepmother are snowbirds in... in... well, somewhere in Florida, so we'll have a place to stay. Except for the reproductive equipment and the money, we're just about there in fulfilling your dream.

"CONSIDERING THAT I LIKE THE MATURE WOMEN AND CONSIDERING I KNOW THAT THERE ARE MANY WEALTHY WOMEN IN PALM BEACH COUNTY AND MANY OF THESE WOMEN FEEL LONELY OR DOWN TOO....I'D LOVE TO FIND AN OLDER WOMAN TO COME BACK TO LIVE IN SOUTH FLORIDA.I'M ALSO OPEN TO KNEW PLACES,THEN ALSO NORTH EAST FLORIDA. I SEEK A GENTLE LADY WHO LIVES IN A POOL HOUSE NEAR THE SEA,AGE 40/55 YO,WITHOUT YOUNG OR OLD CHILDREN,A NO SMOKER LADY WHO COULD BE WIDOWED,SEPARATED,SINGLE OR DIVORCED AND COULD TAKE CARE OF ME.I THINK THAT SHE COULD BE OUT THERE AND I COULD ALSO FIND SOMETHING TO DO IN FLORIDA MAYBE LATER."
Good news and bad news, Leo: I fit your age specifications, and I have no children, and I'm not legally married (although, yes, I have been separated and divorced more times than I care to think about.) But I do smoke, and I can see that this might present a problem in our budding relationship. Would it be okay if I only smoked in the garage or something?

"WITH THIS I 'M NOT SAYING THAT I WANT A MILLIONAIRES,IF THERE'S ONE THAT'S OK BUT I JUST SEEK AN AVERAGE RICH WOMAN AND I THINK THAT SHE WOULD BE HAPPY AND I WOULD BE HAPPY STAYING WITH HER TOO..I'D LIKE AN AMERICAN LADY OR ALSO A LATIN LADY. I'D LIKE A WOMAN THAT FIGURES OUT OF THE YEARS ,LOOKS YOUNG OR LOOKS GOOD AND FEELS YOUNG ,SHE COULD BE A SEX BOMB OR NOT, IT'S NOT A PROBLEM IF SHE IS A LITTLE BIT OVERWEIGHT...OR BUSTY...OR IF SHE IS NOT BEAUTIFUL ,SHE SHOULD BE BEAUTIFUL INSIDE.I JUST WOULD LIKE A WOMAN WHO FEELS SEXY AND MOST OF ALL..SHE SHOULD DESIRE A YOUNGER SOULMATE."
Ah! Now we're back on track (except for that whole 'woman' thing.) You'll be happy to know that people tell me I look younger than my age, and I know I'm beautiful on the inside, except for maybe my heart, lungs, and liver. And I do feel sexy, and desire younger soulmates. Like you, Leonardo, I consider myself to be young at heart, while it lasts. One other thing you should know: I would be considered 'average rich' in many places in the world, like Bangladesh and Mali. Think about it!

"Being openminded i could accept a lady even if she is bisexual. I HAVE LONG BROWN HAIR, BROWN EYES,MY WEIGHT IS 65 KILOS/143 LBS AND MY HEIGHT IS 1.80 METRES/5.11...I'M NO SMOKER/DRINKER AND I'M VERY GOOD LOOKING . IF YOU THINK YOU COULD BE THE KINDA WOMAN I'M LOOKING FOR WRITE ME SOON PLEASE"
You sound sort of on the skinny side, but... Wait. You don't drink, either? Hmm. Can I drink wine in the garage while I'm smoking? This could be a deal-breaker.

"MEN,GAY,TRANSEX OR JOKES
DON'T BOTHER ME
--LEONARDO"
Oh shoot. I guess we're not to be, Leo, since I am three of those things (that'd be men, gay, and joke.) Too bad. We would have made such a cute Florida couple... you in your speedo by the pool, me in my caftan, sitting in the garage drinking and smoking. Sigh.

I'll never forget you, Leonardo! Never! Ciao!