WANDA SYKES WILL OWN YOUR MOVIE SCREENS
Because I am famous Famous, I am obviously connected to other Famous people. For the most part, I don’t abuse my connections on this blog, because it would be wrong to make you too envious of my fabulousness. However, every now and then I feel I should share with you, and now – as we prepare to enter the summer movie season – is one of those times.

Here’s what to look for in your friendly neighborhood twenty-plex over the next few months: a lot of remakes; specifically, a lot of Bogart remakes; a lot of Danny DeVito; a lot of Wanda Sykes; and a lot of stale popcorn with oh-so-nutritious butter-flavored topping.

And now, this blog’s feature presentation: the movies you’ll be shelling out your $12 for, as well as a Special Famous Author Rob Byrnes look into the future… because I am all about the spoilers, kids!

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SMILES!

The Brilliant Concept:
“Ingmar Bergman’s ‘Smiles of a Summer Night’ re-imagined as… wait! Get this! A MUSICAL! From DISNEY!”
The Brilliant Casting:
No actual cast needed. Completely animated. Voice actors include Robin Williams, Angela Lansbury, Kathy Griffin, Wanda Sykes, and Harry Shearer.
And Then What Happened:
The Elton John/Tim Rice songs rocket ‘SMILES!’ to a $576 million box office take in its first six weeks of theatrical release, with billions more to come. Two Oscar nominations. Critics and audiences across the planet wonder why no one ever before thought of putting Bergman to music. Many tears are shed in the FARB, MAK, and David households.

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ALL ABOUT EVE

The Brilliant Concept:
“This movie hasn’t been remade? You’re sure of that?”
The Brilliant Casting:
Julia Roberts as Margo; Matthew Perry as Bill (“Margo, could you BE any more paranoid?”); Ben Affleck as Lloyd; Anne Hathaway as Karen; Kirstin Dunst as Eve; Wanda Sykes as Birdie; Lindsay Lohan as Miss Caswell; and Jack Nicholson as Addison Dewitt. What could go wrong?
And Then What Happened:
Something went wrong. Roberts didn’t come across as old enough to play Margo; Perry lacked gravitas as Bill; Hathaway was far too young as Karen; and while people agreed that Nicholson was an ‘interesting’ choice to play the urbane, cold-blooded Addison Dewitt, they were troubled by the actor’s deviation from the original George Sanders model. Especially the heroin addiction and the excessive number of rape scenes. Especially the one in which he violated Affleck.

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SEINFELD: THE MOVIE

The Brilliant Concept:
“America’s top-rated pre-reality television show needs a big screen treatment!"
The Brilliant Casting:
“Jerry, congratulations. It was tough, but I finally got them to back away from Tim Allen.”
“Julia, I fought for you, but they cast Julianne Moore.”
“Jason, I fought for you, but they cast Danny DeVito.
“Michael, I… good to hear from you. Be well. Oh, and Jim Carrey got the part.”
With Philip Seymour Hoffman as ‘Newman.’
And Then What Happened:
Turns out that 127 minutes of nothing wasn’t what the public was clamoring for. Also, that bit about revealing Newman as a bisexual spree killer? Turns out it didn’t fit well with the whole ‘comedy’ concept, even though Hoffman won a Best Supporting Actor statuette for the role.

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ARTHUR 3

The Brilliant Concept:
It was a profitable franchise, but now it’s dead. Well, sure, so are Arthur, Martha, Linda, Linda’s father, Burt Johnson, Bitterman, and Hobson. In fact, everyone but Susan is dead… it’s the Arthur Curse! But the story can still be rebuilt around a brand new Arthur! What? Liza’s still alive? Okay, she can have a cameo.
The Brilliant Casting:
Hugh Grant as the new Arthur; Reese Witherspoon as the new, obscenely young Susan; Drew Barrymore as the new, quirky love interest; Queen Latifah as the new, sassy servant, ‘Hobsonette.’ Cameo by Liza as the new, quirky love interest’s new, quirky mother.
And Then What Happened:
Seems there really is an ‘Arthur Curse.’ Four months after release, the movie becomes a staple of HBO2, and within five years the entire cast is dead. Except Liza.

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SUNSET BOULEVARD

The Brilliant Concept:
Not the musical. No, this is a faithful remake of the 1950 classic. Except maybe with some explicit sex scenes. Okay, maybe a lot of explicit sex scenes.
The Brilliant Casting:
Offered to many actresses, who – although they always decry the lack of roles for actresses of a certain age – turn it down because the character is of a certain age. Margo Kidder finally cast as the crazed Norma Desmond and – hey – she's perfect! Who knew? Filling out the cast: Robert Downey Jr. as Joe Gillis, Bruce Willis as Max von Mayerling, Bryce Dallas Howard as Betty Schaefer, John Cusack as Artie Green, and Steven Spielberg as Himself... as in, "I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. Spielberg."
And Then What Happened:
In retrospect, someone probably should have seen the rampant drug use, alcohol abuse, and insanity coming. Fortunately, the quick-thinking producers changed the marketing concept – with only the most minor tweaks to the shot footage – and a few months later walked home with an Oscar for Best Documentary.

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THE TOWERING INFERNO II: BEYOND INFERNOCITY!

The Brilliant Concept:
“Americans today have forgotten the gut fear they had in the 1970s about tragedy in an obscenely tall building that’s burning out of control, putting the lives of first responders and private citizens alike at risk! What, oh what, can we do to remind them of the horror thirty years after we first Irwin Allen-ized them? I can't think of a single thing... except... a remake!"
The Brilliant Casting:
Paul Newman returns to the silver screen for the first time in six decades as the architect-with-a-heart who builds a 360-story building, but this time, heeding the late Steve McQueen’s warning, he installs sprinklers. Steve McQueen having gone ‘late’ in the intervening three decades, Harrison Ford is signed as the fire chief. Also starring Zach Braff, Jesse Metcalfe, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Martin Sheen, Edie Falco, Kate Jackson, those guys from the Harold and Kumar movies, Paul Dooley, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Jason Alexander, Wayne Knight, not Michael Richards, Judd Hirsch, Eileen Brennan, Gene Wilder, and David Hyde-Pierce as ‘The Prissy Corrupt Guy.’
And Then What Happened:
The days of the big-budget Hollywood slaughter are not over, despite the tanking of ‘Poseidon.’ The movie earns hundreds of millions of dollars and encourages the producers to remake ‘Earthquake.’ Oscar nominations to Falco (Best Supporting Actress, for her turn as The Prissy Corrupt Guy’s No-Nonsense Wife), Dooley (Best Supporting Actor, for his performance as The Veteran Actor Who You Think Might Be Dead But – Wait! -- There He Is!), and Jesse Metcalfe (Best Supporting Actor, for playing The Heroic Young Firefighter Who Rips Off His Shirt to Beat the Flames Off Kate Jackson).

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MR. ED 2007

The Brilliant Concept:
“It’s like the Mr. Ed we remember from our childhoods – well, not me, but old people – except this time Mr. Ed not only speaks, he’s also entered in the Preakness! It’s like ‘talking horse-meets-Barbaro.’ In fact, we’re even thinking that Mr. Ed could break his leg, which would really add some pathos to the comedy!”
The Brilliant Casting:
Tim Allen as Wilbur; some horse as Mr. Ed; Robin Williams as The Voice of Mr.Ed.
And Then What Happened:
Mr. Ed immediately tanked at the box office, and a new Hollywood Truism emerged: audiences may like their talking horses, but they don’t want to see their talking horses get the Old Yeller treatment after breaking a leg in the Preakness.

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CASABLANCA

The Brilliant Concept:
Another movie that was so brilliant it’s never been remade. So now is its time.
The Brilliant Casting:
The old gang is back! Michael Douglas is Rick! Danny DeVito is Renault! Kathleen Turner is… well, now she’s too old and moose-like to be Ilsa, but she’d be perfect in a cameo as some Casablancan bar whore. With Catherine Zeta-Jones as Ilsa; Sacha Baron Cohen as Victor Laszlo; and Anthony Hopkins as Major Strasser. Oh, and Taye Diggs as Sam, because he played the role so well in 'Chicago.'
And Then What Happened:
Despite having to endure a six-minute scene of the old, moose-like Turner in a negligee as she’s tortured by Hopkins’s Strasser, and Baron Cohen’s unfortunate lapse into his Borat character when leading the refugees in La Marseillaise, this movie is so wildly popular with the public that a sequel is planned. In ‘Casablanca 2: The Jewel of the Amazon,’ Rick, Renault, Ilsa, and the old, moose-like Casablancan prostitute travel to South America in search of riches and adventure. The release date is scheduled for Fall, 2008.

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THE MALTESE FALCON

The Brilliant Concept:
The Maltese Falcon for Generation Why: “Sam Spade in San Francisco circa 2007. Same plot; just with more car chases and fisticuffs!”
The Brilliant Casting:
Harrison Ford as Sam Spade; Kevin Spacey as Joel Cairo; Val Kilmer as Kaspar Gutman; Winona Ryder as Brigid O’Shaughnessy; Matt Damon as Wilmer; Kevin Kline as Miles Archer; and Wanda Sykes as Effie.
And Then What Happened:
When the dust settled, the lion’s share of the blame went to the word ‘Maltese,’ which was considered too confusing for audiences. Also, a sizable number of ticket-buyers thought they were going to see a movie about a new superhero. Also, a lot of people thought that it was inappropriate and unnecessary to show Spacey and Damon in bed. Also, the movie really, really sucked.

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THE STING PART 1, VERSION 2

The Brilliant Concept:
“So, Paul Newman is back as Gondorff and ready to get his revenge on… oh, I didn’t know that, sir. My condolences to the Newman family. Anyway, so… uh, Redford is back as Hooker and they’re gonna… Oh… Yeah, the sands of time march on, don’t they…”
The Brilliant Casting:
Will Ferrell as Henry Gondorff; Adam Sandler as Johnny Hooker; Danny DeVito as Doyle Lonnegan. With Wanda Sykes as 'Wanda.'
And Then What Happened:
A $76 million opening weekend; mass suicide by film critics, with the exception Peter Travers of Rolling Stone, who gives it four stars; a sequel immediately put into production with Jimmy Fallon and Randy Quaid already added to the cast.

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FERRIS BUELLER’S MEDS ARE OFF

The Brilliant Concept:
Twenty-one years later, all the spirit has been beaten out of teen hero Ferris. Can a road trip with his high school pals snap him out of it? Or are they all condemned to a lonely, depressing, middle-class existence?
The Brilliant Casting:
Matthew Broderick returns as the now-fortyish Ferris: doughy, chronically depressed, impotent, and dominated by his alpha-female wife (Sarah Jessica Parker). Also returning: Alan Ruck as his suicidal pal Cameron, who is still lovably suicidal after all these years; Mia Sara as former-girlfriend-now-lesbian Sloane; Jennifer Grey as his bitter, hyper-rival sister; and Jeffrey Jones as former principal Ed Rooney, who was fired and jailed after getting busted by Dateline’s ‘To Catch a Predator.’ With Ben Stein as ‘Economics Teacher.’
And Then What Happened:
Critics love the final scene, when Ferris, Cameron, and Sloane pull a ‘Thelma and Louise,’ but audiences are less charmed. Still, the movie does decently at the box office and is especially popular in Sweden, where, as of this writing, the cast has now been asked to film a remake of ‘Smiles of a Summer Night’…

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And there you have it. Ladies and gentlemen, the Golden Age of Cinema is clearly not in our past. It is in our future.

See you at the movies.