...AND THE LIVING IS EASY
It occurs to me that I never updated you on what I did over my long weekend in beautiful West New York, NJ, which I think we all agree you Really Need To Know.

Friday:
* Two hours at the pool. Start color: Lapp White; end color: Reasonably Healthy Dane in February
* One hour in the gym. “Hey, I think I gained a pound.”
* The Necessities: laundry, XTube, liquor store
* 4:00 Ferry to Manhattan to get a jump on Happy Hour; resulting carnage ensues

Saturday
* Three hours at the pool. Start color: Healthy Dane in February; end color: Lobster Boy, fading overnight to Close-to-Normal-Caucasian
* Book: start Dana Vachon’s Mergers & Acquisitions
* One hour in the gym. “Hey, I think I lost a pound.”
* The Necessities: liquor store, Mad TV reruns, Saturday Times crossword puzzle (XTube cancelled on account of presence of boyfriend demanding to know why it is preferable to the real thing)
* Visit friend even deeper in New Jersey, meaning he lives 100 feet from the Hudson River as opposed to my 20 feet. Stay until dark, then walk home through dark underbrush along Palisades and hope New Jersey ruffians don’t, uh, ruffian me.

Sunday:
* Three hours at the pool. Start Color: Close-to-Normal-Caucasian; end color: Ricky Martin Brown
* Book: continue Mergers & Acquisitions
* Ninety minutes in the gym. “Hey, this time I didn’t even feel like passing out!”
* The necessities: liquor store, empty dishwasher, Sunday Times crossword

Monday:
* One hour at the pool. Start Color: Ricky Martin Brown; end color: Ricky Martin Brown. It was only an hour, okay?
* Book: finish Mergers & Acquisitions
* One hour in the gym. “Hey, this is my fourth straight day. Am I trying to prove something?”
* The necessities: laundry
* 1:00 ferry to Manhattan because I’m a dumbass and scheduled a meeting on my day off, but I stayed in vacation mode anyway by going to the office in shorts and boat shoes. Happy Hour followed and Happy Hour carnage ensued

Tuesday:
* 5:45 AM alarm reminds me that my mini-vacation has come to an end, so I text my staff and tell them I’m extending it by one day. I justify this by noting that I took a Monday afternoon meeting, not mentioning the shorts and boat shoes
* Because I promised to write two proposals and two RFPs during my long weekend, and didn’t, I started work on them at 7:30 AM. By 11:00 AM, I was done
* Two hours at the pool. Start Color: Ricky Martin Brown; end color: Can’t-Enter-Gated-Community Dark Brown
* Book: start Bricktop by Bricktop, who, incidentally, had lighter skin than I have at the moment
* Ninety minutes in the gym. “Hey, I’ve lost five pounds! Now if I just lose ten… fifteen… twenty… ah shit.”
* The necessities: liquor store, fresh flowers, manscaping

Wednesday:
* 5:45 AM alarm reminds me that my mini-vacation has come to an end, Part II. So I text my staff and…

I wish. But, no, life is now back to what passes for normal.

Do you think my lifeguard misses me?