GIGLI FOCUS GROUPS DEMAND NEW ENDING
IN WHICH BOTH AFFLECK AND LOPEZ DIE
The Onion taps into growing sentiment about the recently-released movie Gigli. I'm not going to this movie unless the film-makers take The Onion's suggestions, including:

"Getting shot is fine, but what about an automobile fire in which Ben and Jennifer are shown perishing in a slow-motion montage, their newfound love discarded as they try desperately to claw their way past each other's melting bodies, while slowly roasting to death in their own fat? You'd be surprised at how many people came up with that one..."