Wednesday, January 21, 2004

East 14th Street. 8:30 PM.

Hello, very gay-looking Jewish guy dressed all in black. In a way, I think you're sort of cute. But you also look a bit nebbishy, and my personality really doesn't mix well with nebbishy. I can give you references, if you want proof. Sorry.

Hello, very, very gay-looking Asian guy who makes Alec Mapa look butch. You look sort of cute, too. But for some reason, you aren't making Glancing Subway Eye-Contact (TM). Don't you read Craigslist?

Hello, uptight Middle-aged woman reading the New Yorker. I am not trying to read the cartoons over your shoulder, no matter what it looks like. So stop sniffing at me.

Hello, scary-looking Puerto Rican guy with the bulging eyes. Pardon me while I break eye contact.

Hello, scared-looking WASP woman clutching her handbag. You so look like a New Yorker, so why does the subway frighten you like this.

East 33rd Street, 8:37 PM:

Hello again, scary-looking Puerto Rican guy with the bulging eyes. No eye contact, okay?

Hello again, New Yorker woman. Stop sniffing. I know I smell mountain-fresh, and you're starting to weird me out.

Hello again, very gay-looking Jewish guy. Maybe nebbishy isn't the worst thing in the world...

East 59th Street, 8:43 PM

Goodnight, Alec Mapa. Enjoy your ride home to Queens on the N Train.

Scary-looking Puerto Rican guy with the bulging eyes: I'll make you a mental deal. You stop staring at me like you're Manson and I'm some random Tate or LaBianca, and I'll offer you either New Yorker Woman or Very Gay-Looking Jewish Guy as a sacrifice the minute we arrive at 77th Street. 'kay?

Oh, and New Yorker Woman? If you sniff at me one more fucking time I will become scarier than Scary-Looking Puerto Rican Guy with the Bulging Eyes. I will disembowel you with the pen I stole from work and wrap your intestines around the pole in the center of the car, which is now unused since Alec Mapa left for Queens. Don't push it lady!

Oh, and hello, quartet of men from Southeast Asia. Thank you for joining us and standing a bit too close to Scary-Looking Puerto Rican Guy with the Bulging Eyes. You make a nice buffer.

East 77th Street, 8:50 PM

Thank you all for a lovely ride home.

And what did you think of me?