Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Mr. President, ladies and gentlemen of the press, loyal blog readers, thank for joining me today.

I would like to take this opportunity to announce that I am withdrawing my name from consideration for the post of Secretary of Homeland Security. Mr. President, I sincerely appreciate your confidence in me, but it seems some questions have arisen that would only distract from the performance of my official duties... questions that would likely be sensationalized by the media. In my heart, I know that I did no wrong, and that my qualifications would be an asset to this Administration and our nation. However, at this critical moment in American history, I think our full attention should be focused on protecting our borders and ensuring our safety, rather than trivial matters related to my past.

Because these issues have be raised, though, let me quickly offer a few apologies.

First, I am sorry that my tax returns for the past few years only declared half my income and resulted in what I now know were large undeserved refunds. Clearly, I was negligent in not reading the returns more carefully before I signed them. I now also understand that I should have checked the math of the paid tax preparer from H&R Block who I entrusted with my financial matters. In addition, I should have made sure that the paid preparer -- whose name I regret to say I seem to have forgotten -- signed the return in accordance with the law.

I know that questions have been raised about how I -- a Gay American -- could have possibly claimed twelve dependents. All I can say is this: the paid tax preparer from H&R Block -- whose name, remember, I have forgotten -- must have misinterpreted my instructions. I apologize on his behalf, but can state in all honesty that I never told him that I had children named LaToya, Bela, Prince Michael, Jasmine, Nemo, Hot Toddy, Apple, Leonard Part 6, Blanket, Gigli, Mary-Kate, and Robby Jr. I assume this was the result of a clerical error.

I would also like to apologize to the President and the American public for forgetting to mention my former marriage to Teresa Heinz-Byrnes Kerry. Because Teresa has never formally used my surname, and because it happened long ago at a time I believed she was still legally married to John Heinz, since he wasn't dead yet, I didn't consider it valid, and it sort of slipped my mind. Still, I should have been sensitive to the potential political embarrassment this could have caused to the Administration, as well as to the Kerry and Heinz families. For my lack of consideration, I apologize.

The media has also been digging up dirt about my past and present relationships. Let me state clearly that this angers me. My personal life is my personal life, and the media has no right to hurt the people closest to me in order to embarrass me and the Administration. I wish to state unequivocally that these tabloid tactics have to place in responsible journalism.

That having been said, I will not be discussing any rumors or exaggerated stories involving Star Jones, Liza, Brad Pitt, Golan Cipel, Olivia Newton-John, Whitney Houston, Brad Pitt, Brooke Astor, Troy from The Apprentice, Brad Pitt, or Gary Coleman-Byrnes. However, let me take this opportunity to apologize to them, as well as to the Administration and the American public, for any indiscretions the irresponsible media is able to create and make seem believable with the benefit of photographic evidence.

Finally, I would like to apologize for inadvertently helping Saddam Hussein hide weapons of mass destruction. As the President and the American people know, I am a patriotic Gay American, and would never do anything to risk the security and safety of this nation. If I had been aware that I was filling my apartment building's storage area with weapons of mass destruction, I can assure you that I would not have told my super that I had merely been doing early Christmas shopping, while tipping him $20 to keep his mouth shut. I would have acted in a patriotic manner and instructed him to move the weapons of mass destruction to an appropriate place where they could be found and properly disposed of, like a subway car or the plaza in front of the United Nations. While I admit that I was short-sighted in this instance, I do not feel I deserve the criminal-like vilification with which I have been treated by the left-wing media.

Once again, it was an honor to have been nominated by you, Mr. President. No one could have foreseen the attack-dog methods employed by the press and political partisans to bring me down. Thank you for your support.