WOULD YOU LOVE ME MORE IF I TOLD YOU ABOUT MY MYSTERIOUS, FATAL ILLNESS?
You know what I wanted? All I wanted? Ever?

I wanted to win a Best of Blogs Award for the Most Inspirational Blog. I wanted people to come to The Rob Log and weep copious tears as I chronicle my slowly-fading health. And yet you would never feel sorry for me. No, you would take strength from the way I soldier on, finding the essence of life in every butterfly that comes to rest on my shoulder, and every wet kiss delivered by Rex, my golden retriever, as he lovingly nuzzles me on a cold November morning. And mostly, your heart would fill as I confessed that the only thing that was getting me through my daily regimen of dialysis, skin grafts, chemotherapy, and stomach-pumping was my deep and abiding faith in God.

I would have posted about disaster relief and the good work of Amish missionaries in the Sudan. I would have told you stories about how a single priest with a vision saved 5,769 potential victims of genocide hiding in a church in Malawi, holding off their attackers with nothing but a Bible and faith. I would have spread the word about the small miracles, like icicles that take on the shape of Mother Theresa and seven-year-old autistic children who heal through their touch.

I would have even shared the touching lessons of Mboto with you once again. Oh... okay, it isn't fair to deny you that. Here it is:



In short, I would have earned your respect, and I would have earned a nod as Most Inspirational Blog.

But someone totally fucked up, and I didn't get my nomination, so fuck you all, fuckers! Go find your inspiration somewhere else!

Just as well. I make for a fucking lousy altruist and I hate suffering in dignified silence.