FAMOUS AUTHORS LIVING IN LUXURY
Yesterday's edition of The New York Times featured a nice -- and lengthy -- article on the West Village apartment of novelist Tom Dolby. A few things need to be noted here.

1. Like me, Tom's novel was published by Kensington.

2. Like me, Tom is very, very gay.

3. Like me, Tom is described as the Gay Candace Bushnell.

4. And finally... the bitch stole my ink!

I'm serious here. Tom-Freakin'-Dolby stole my damn Times profile, and I am pissed! What makes it worse is that I thought we were friends. I graced his book party, did I not? I did a reading with him, did I not? We were, like, buddies! Maybe not BFF -- no one will ever be able to replace George Michael in my heart, because he just keeps getting hotter and hotter -- but still, Tom and I had a special bond.

And now... well, it's sad.

Fortunately, I was able to access the Times article that should have appeared. And so, submitted for your reading pleasure...

HABITATS/UPPER EAST SIDE
GOOD GOD! PEOPLE LIVE LIKE THIS?

by Jeff Meyers

A couple of weeks ago, Famous Author Rob Byrnes moved out of his cramped apartment and into a more natural environment. Now, he is one of those rare, pioneering New Yorkers who are reclaiming the city's vast network of streets, sidewalks, and parks.

"Some people have housewarming parties when they move to a new place," said Byrnes, 47 a youthful-looking 35, in an e-mail he sent recently from the computer at the public library. "But I don't have the room, so if you're looking for a party, I'm afraid you're SOL."

Mr. Byrnes's new primary residence, he said, was designed by noted decorator Amana Topfreezer. At the author's instruction, the decor was done in sandy earthtones, with irregular vertical stripes interspersed for contrast. "It reminds me of, well, a box. A box that Margot Kidder might live in," said Mr. Byrnes, who, relaxing in his new home, is also reminiscent of a young Margot Kidder.

In fact, it's easy to imagine Margot Kidder necking with herself in Mr. Byrnes's new home, before leaving for a day of scavenging returnables and talking to herself, and then going home to neck with herself some more. Mr. Byrnes cites this as proof that instead of having a 'gay decorator' gene, he actually has a 'crazy cat-lady' gene, adding, "Before I decided to live off the land, I was a 47 youthful-looking 35-year-old who slept on an air mattress, had a futon in his living room, and ate Hamburger Helper."

“People say I’m the gay Candace Bushnell,” he said, referring to the author of “Sex and the City.” "But I'm not. I'm the gay Margot Kidder. How many times do I have to keep telling that to people before they'll listen?"

On many evenings, Mr. Byrnes transports his new home to Carl Schurz Park, near Gracie Mansion, where he enjoys taking in the views of the East River and the Triborough Bridge.

“I am really spoiled by that view,” he said. “I had been living on East 81st Street before, but I wanted more space and light, and I was lucky to find what I wanted. Plus, that trash can over there almost always has half-eaten fast food, and tonight I'm hoping for Wendy's!"

One thing Mr. Byrnes laments is that, with limited space, his new home has no room for the many books he had acquired over the years. "I used to arrange them by color," he said. "The blue books were my favorites. No, I mean the green ones. No, no... wait. Yes, the blue ones were definitely the best."

Yeah, I could have been famous famouser. Ah well... back to work.