BREAKING NEWS: FAMOUS AUTHOR ROB BYRNES IS GOING TO DIE!!!
It's true. Sad, but true. And not to sound too self-centered, but this is especially sad to me.

When the time comes, I would like coverage on every blog... although I will settle for every gay blog. And HuffPo. And Radar.

Oh, and I would like each blog entry to have 128 comments, too. I don't particularly care that many of the comments will be clueless... all I ask is that they reflect pure anguish, and that the commenters mention all my best attributes, even if the commenters have to make them up based on whatever they have gleaned from my blog, or my books, or clueless comments made by other clueless commenters.

And I think I sort of deserve an around-the-clock correspondent or two or three from Gawker, too. From death rattle to toe-tag to autopsy to cremation to launch of the ashes into space.

Also, people who have never met me should stand outside Therapy and hug and cry. Because when tragedies of this magnitude happen, that is an appropriate response. A presidential assassination... 9/11... the death of a celebrity you don't know... these are the times when strangers must console each other on the streets, holding each other tightly as their bodies are wracked by sobs.

And if it's not too much to ask, could the Westboro Baptist Church picket my funeral? God hates Fag Famous Authors, too, you know. Plus, then there could be another round of blog entries, each with 128 comments!

I figure that 65% of my life expectancy is pretty much gone, and this could very well happen sooner rather than later. In other words, it's not too early to start preparing for the end. Because Famous Author Rob Byrnes is going to die, and I want the world ready to mourn appropriately.

Hear what I'm saying, Drudge and Perez? Good.