Friday, October 31, 2003

Last night I killed a man with my bare hands, just to see him die.

But I had to leave the room briefly to take a leak, and I ended up missing the big moment. Damn. Now I have to do it all over again tonight. Fortunately, I have a little list:

* People walking under open golf umbrellas on the narrow stairs down to the subway. Or under scaffolding. Or when it stopped raining 23 minutes ago. You must die.

* People pushing, shoving, elbowing, through crowds on the subway platform, 'cause that overcrowded train that's about to leave the station is the last train ever, and if they can't wedge their fat asses in the doorway, life as we know it will cease to exist. You must die. And you must die twice if you're carrying a golf umbrella.

* People blocking busy sidewalks and pushing copies of amNewYork in my face. You must die. And your little newspaper, too.

* Drivers blocking the box. And also the drivers who think they can cure gridlock through repeated long blasts on the horn. You must die. Especially if you drive a big rig with an air horn, in which case you are so dead.

* The guy in the big inflated Quiznos costume standing at the corner of Third Avenue and East 50th Street. Death will save you from further embarrassment.

* All the cold-callers who see my name in random business directories, then call up and ask specifically for me, acting as if they know me, and then when I drop something important to take the call, they try to sell me toner or temp services. Die! Die!!! DIE!!!!!!!

I think I'm gonna have a busy night.