Wednesday, November 24, 2004

In a little more than a week, a few out-of-town bloggers will descend on New York for the weekend. At least one of them (and I'm not naming names) seems to fear that he won't measure up to expectations.

To which I say: bullshit.

This unnamed blogger seems to be under the impression that the New York bloggers are fabulous and successful and witty and drop-dead beautiful, and also that we all have normal-sized heads. I am posting this entry because I want to reassure him that I've met a good number of New York bloggers, and -- with the exception of me -- this is not true. Well, wait... we do have normal-sized heads, but other than that we're all just normal people.

To help put the unnamed blogger at ease, though, I think it's only fair to let him know what to expect when he finally meets Famous Author Rob Byrnes. This will prove valuable to the rest of you, too, when you are finally granted an audience, so you may want to print out this entry and keep it forfuture reference.

Unnamed blogger, here is a glimpse of the Real Famous Author Rob Byrnes:

1. My real name is just Rob Byrnes, not Famous Author Rob Byrnes. Therefore, unlike, say, when you hang out with the President and have to keep calling him 'Mr. President' all night, even if you're just bowling, there is no need to call me 'Famous Author' while we're cocktailing.

2. I like to think I'm a pretty youthful 45 years of age, but I am 45 years old, and on the cusp of 46. You will see some lines. You will see some damage. Try not to stare.

3. I am a mere human being, not a God. You will not see my bulging biceps, mostly because I'm not even sure I have biceps. I know I have strong abdominal muscles, though, because they've been at work sucking in my stomach for the past four decades.

4. Because I'm now trained at getting up before 6:00 AM on a daily basis, and because I'm not getting younger, it is doubtful that I will be able to keep up with you kids on the drink-a-thons. So even though I know you're having self-esteem issues right now, please don't take it personally if I'm the first New Yorker to call it a night.

5. My head is normal-sized. You'll just have to accept that.

6. This point intentionally kept blank.

7. Depending on my mood, the company, and the competition for attention, I can be any mix-and-match combination of charming, funny, withdrawn, sarcastic, nasty, depressed, manic, or pissy. Pretty much the only constant is that I'll be drunk.

8. I don't do cashmere.

So there you have it, unnamed blogger. Now take a deep breath and realize that the New Yorkers will take you as you are, warts and all.

Unless we don't.