Monday, December 20, 2004

Before we get started on this story, let me state for the record that I am 100% opposed to child molestation. Nothing you are about to read here in any way is meant to condone criminal behavior.

Okay, now that the disclaimer is out of the way, let's look at the case of Stephen Hill, a former investigative reporter in Cincinnati who really should have known better. Hill found a few teenage boys who -- being teenage boys -- were very willing to have oral and anal sex with 20-year-old Dawn, even though Dawn was apparently very shy and required the boys to be blindfolded before repeatedly doing the deeds.

Problem was that 20-year-old female Dawn was really 45-year-old male Stephen. After the young molestees began to realize that the hairy butt they had been penetrating for three years was not, in fact, Dawn's, they set up a sting.

As you can imagine, this wasn't the most difficult case to, um, crack. So armed with a, um, buttload of evidence, our Hardy Boys first try a shakedown, then go to the police. [link via Fark, by the way]

I think the lessons from this story are very clear:

1. If you are an adult molesting teenagers, please make sure it is an opposite-sex relationship. Otherwise, if discovered you run the risk of being accused of taking the teens' manhood away, and who wants that on their resume? It is also a good idea to have money set aside for the inevitable moment you are caught... not necessarily to use as hush money, but in case a hasty trip out of the country must be arranged. Oh -- one more thing: once the boys have your number, it's highly advisable to destroy all physical evidence in your possession. Like, say, videotapes. Dumbass.

2. If you are a teenage boy being molested by what you think is an adult woman, be advised that whisker-burn is not a normal after-effect of oral sex. Also, if "it feels like it was a guy," it was almost certainly a guy. At that point, further sexual exploration -- especially while blindfolded -- is probably pointless.

This message has been presented as an Official Public Service of TRL. Happy Holidays! Now go and sit on Santa's lap...