TRL: YOUR ONE-STOP SOURCE FOR ACCURATE OSCAR PREDICTIONS
This morning, the list of Academy Award nominees was announced. Now, you already know that I don't think artists should be pitted against each-other in soul-killing competitions in which the winners are clearly selected based on popularity, not talent, like some fucking high school class election where the popular kids get all the support just because they've been lucky and never had a zit in their lives and they had a supportive father who taught them to play football so they developed a natural athletic ability where the less-popular kids had to take piano lessons and they weren't even very good at it and they kept asking to stop but the piano teachers called them lazy and told their fathers that they needed to practice more or the lessons were wated and the fathers said, "We'll be damned if we're going to throw $10 each week out the window, so you'd better practice," and...

Um.

Anyway, even though I don't like these popularity contests, the fact is that the Academy Awards are the Gay SuperBowl. (I just made that up. Funny, right?) Therefore, as a homosexual, I have a responsibility to give you my predictions for who will win an Oscar. And why.

And, like my predictions last year, I am going with instinct, since I've seen maybe two movies in the past twelve months. It's my version of performing without a net.

And the nominees are:

ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE
Don Cheadle in HOTEL RWANDA; Johnny Depp in FINDING NEVERLAND; Leonardo DiCaprio in THE AVIATOR; Clint Eastwood in MILLION DOLLAR BABY; Jamie Foxx in RAY
PREDICTION: The interesting thing about this category is that all the nominees play real people. Cheadle is some Rwandan guy, Depp is Peter Pan, DiCaprio is Langston Hughes, Eastwood is Burgess Meredith in his Rocky days, and Foxx is Ray Romano. That makes this category too close to call, but I'm going out on a limb and calling it anyway. Winner: Cheadle. Because -- let's face it -- the Academy really wants to honor his work in Ocean's Twelve.

ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
Alan Alda in THE AVIATOR; Thomas Haden Church in SIDEWAYS; Jamie Foxx in COLLATERAL; Morgan Freeman in MILLION DOLLAR BABY; Clive Owen in CLOSER
Prediction: Having already given an Oscar to one black actor, the pressure is now off the Academy. Even though I didn't see it, I understand there's a lot of wine-drinking in Sideways, so I predict Haden Church will walk away with the statue. (Or is it a statuette? I can never keep that straight...)

ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE
Annette Bening in BEING JULIA; Catalina Sandino Moreno in MARIA FULL OF GRACE; Imelda Staunton in VERA DRAKE; Hilary Swank in MILLION DOLLAR BABY; Kate Winslet in ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND
Prediction: Another tough category, in which the godless leftists in Hollywood must choose among actresses who portrayed an aging actress, a drug mule, an abortionist, a lesbian-in-training, and a woman who gets her mind erased. Frankly, I think they'll be inclined to honor abortion this year, so the statue/statuette goes to Staunton.

ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
Cate Blanchett in THE AVIATOR; Laura Linney in KINSEY; Virginia Madsen in SIDEWAYS; Sophie Okonedo in HOTEL RWANDA; Natalie Portman in CLOSER
Prediction: Sideways. Drinking. No more need be said. The winner is Madsen.

ANIMATED FEATURE FILM
THE INCREDIBLES; SHARK TALE; SHREK 2
Prediction: Only three nominees? And one of them was Shark Tales, which I heard wasn't even good? Damn. Anyway, Shrek 2 apparently made a gazillion mega-million dollars, so I figure it will get the Oscar.

ART DIRECTION
THE AVIATOR; FINDING NEVERLAND; LEMONY SNICKET'S A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS; THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA; A VERY LONG ENGAGEMENT
Prediction: I'm not sure I even know what this category means. So I predict that A Very Long Engagement will win, 'cause I'm also not sure I've ever even hear of that movie.

CINEMATOGRAPHY
THE AVIATOR; HOUSE OF FLYING DAGGERS; THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST; THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA; A VERY LONG ENGAGEMENT
Prediction: Okay, this category I understand. Uh... and A Very Long Engagement again walks away with the statue. Statuette? Whatever.

COSTUME DESIGN
THE AVIATOR; FINDING NEVERLAND; LEMONY SNICKET'S A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS; RAY; TROY
Prediction: I'm sure they were all dressed very nice, but c'mon: Brad Pitt in a toga! Winner: Troy.

DIRECTING
THE AVIATOR; MILLION DOLLAR BABY; RAY; SIDEWAYS; VERA DRAKE
Prediction: I'm sort of torn here between drinking and abortion--- Ah, who am I kidding? Sideways gets the Oscar.

DOCUMENTARY FEATURE
BORN INTO BROTHELS; THE STORY OF THE WEEPING CAMEL; SUPER SIZE ME; TUPAC: RESURRECTION; TWIST OF FAITH
Prediction: The only one of these I've heard of is anti-fast food, and therefore I am praying that it is destroyed, because fast food is our friend and is much more nutritious than we give it credit for and some day we will all kneel and pray before our One God, Mayor McCheese, and I am not typing this while under a fast-food induced spell and Mayor McCheese tells me that Born Into Brothels will win the Oscar because it will be the future of your children if you resist his will and must be enslaved into prositution. You will now forget you read this until you eat your next crispy french fry and -- oh yes -- you will order a hot apple pie. Amen.

DOCUMENTARY SHORT SUBJECT
AUTISM IS A WORLD; THE CHILDREN OF LENINGRADSKY; HARDWOOD; MIGHTY TIMES: THE CHILDREN'S MARCH; SISTER ROSE'S PASSION
Prediction: I'm going to have to take a pass on this category, since I think these all might be the same film with different titles. (And is it just me, or is anyone else craving a Filet O' Fish sandwich right now?)

FILM EDITING
THE AVIATOR; COLLATERAL; FINDING NEVERLAND; MILLION DOLLAR BABY; RAY
Prediction: Hmm. Films starring five boyish actors: DiCaprio, Cruise, Depp, Foxx, and Swank. This is a tough one. Fortunately, I'm used to making tough decisions. Um... I predict a five-way tie.

TO BE CONTINUED...