IT'S BEEN A WHILE...
From this afternoon's in-box:

Hello My Dear,

...As a matter of urgency, I want you to advice me on what investment opportunities you can assist me on. It has become really difficult to get a reliable investor to assist me because of the rate of scams that I hear about. First I will introduce myself to you.

I am Mr. Oden Robert, The manager, Bills and Exchange at the Foreign Remittance Department of the Africa Development Bank Group of Benin of Republic. I am writing this letter to ask for your support and cooperation to carry out this business opportunity in my department.

I discovered an abandoned USD15 MILLION in an account that belongs to one of our foreign customers, Mrs. Mary Lou Sterner, 66, Olmito, Texas. who died in a Plane crash october 31, 1999 [With Egyptian Airline 990] with other Passengers Aboard as you can comfirm it by yourself...

Blah blah blah. You know the rest.

To which I responded:

To Mr. Oden Robert Mark:

Thank you for writing me concerning Mrs. Mary Lou Sterner's $15 million. I am very interested in pursuing this activity with you. As a retiree and elderly gentleman, you can only imagine how welcome this money would be. Finally, I could be able to buy a Winnebago and see the country, perhaps even journeying to Sterling, Colorado, to visit my grandson, Milton He has just started third grade at Augustus Caesar Elementary School.

Please send me details of this business venture as quickly as possible. I hope you do not mind, but I would prefer to not deal with any lawyers. They are all no-good thieves and will steal from both of us! Mark my words. I have not trusted lawyers since the time in 1978 when my late wife and I were sued for selling our home with faulty insulation, even though my nephew Dewey installed it and it was the best insulation that Greenberg Mall Hardware & Home Furnishings had in stock. Thieves!

One more thing: you began your very nice electronic mail to me by saying, 'Hello, My Dear.' I hope this does not mean you are a homosexual. When you respond to me, please make it clear that you aren't a homo. Maybe calling strangers 'my dear' is what they do in Benin, but that's not the way we address each other here in Northern New Jersey, US of A. Except for perhaps that cult of homosexuals from the Ivory Coast who live near Hackensack.

Yours in Christ,

David Daniel Patterson Jr.

I hope this one writes me back. For some reason, they usually don't.