REAL PEOPLE SPEAK (AND E-MAIL)
Me: I think I’ll use some of my fake-name e-mail accounts to ask him lots of intimate questions. That could be cruelly funny.

Friend: There are two key words in your second sentence - cruelly and funny. I must say that the latter is much more important and cancels out the former.

Me: True. Funny always trumps cruel. Cruel merely enhances funny.

***

Roommate (arriving home): I was afraid you'd be up.

Me: It's 6:15 AM. Most of this city is already up. What are you, nocturnal?

***

Friend: Exactly how much coffee do you make in the morning?

Me: Most mornings, half a pot, supplemented with coffee at the office. At least one pot - sometimes two, if Brady is in town - on the weekends and holidays. Day in; day out. Do you think that's too much?

Friend: Combined with the tobacco, I'm surprised your standing heart rate isn't like a billion and a half.

Me: Not to mention the alcohol abuse and 10 extra pounds and a horrible diet. But my blood pressure is perfect, and my cholesterol is better than perfect. I am a miracle of science. Go figure.

Friend: Like Frankenstein.