Thursday, March 31, 2005

From the so-valuable-I'd-rather-go-without-oxygen comes a list of essential tips for picking up men on the streets. Read it and learn!
1. Go to a place where you're likely to find other gay men.
2. Start walking.
Come on, readers, this is easy! You aren't even forced to chew gum at the same time. Well... maybe when you get to the Intermediate Level, but not in Cruising 101.
3. When an attractive guy passes by you, attempt to make eye contact.
4. If you make eye contact, don't stop. Walk three more steps.
5. Turn and look over your shoulder. If he's interested, he'll do the same.
6. Face forward a walk three more steps.
Remember: three -- and only three -- steps. Don't be one of those four-step losers. (And don't get me started on the twelve steps. 'kay?)
7. Turn and look again. If he's looking at you too -- bingo!
Unless he's looking at you because he's concerned that some random loser -- meaning you -- is looking at him. But don't let that deter you! Instead, proceed to Step 8:
8. Go up and introduce yourself.
And make sure he knows that you only took three steps before pivoting.
9. Repeat as necessary.
Even though Step 9 is sort of buried at the end of all these complicated instructions, this is actually the most important tip. Because you'll certainly have to approach a lot of men before one will talk to you after watching you do your Rain Man act as you count off your paces...
10. This technique can also be used in shopping malls, airports, or anywhere there are large numbers of people and room to walk
Yes yes yes! All too often, gay men think they can only cruise other gay men on specially-designated sidewalks. That's why I'm grateful to for reminding its readers that you can walk and pivot almost everywhere!

By the way, if you follow these instructions very carefully and still can't meet a man, there's always the old 'club him over the head and drag him home, then duct tape him to the bedposts and have your way with him' method. Just sayin'...