Tuesday, June 14, 2005

I hope you don't mind me addressing you by your first name, but -- even though we've never met -- I feel that's appropriate, since we're talking Famous Person to Famous Person here. Also, we have a connection in that we were born in the same year, a phenomenon we share with Madonna, Kevin Bacon, Charlene Tilton, Billy Hufsey, and Andy Gibb.

Anyway, I was talking to some friends last night, and learned you've been in the news lately. I don't know how I missed that. Sorry. But now that I know, I thought I'd take this opportunity to congratulate you on your acquittal and pass on a little free advice.

So, uh... congratulations!

Now for the advice:

1. You like them young. I do, too! Okay, we differ in that I like them old enough to be in the House of Representatives, and you like them old enough to be in Home Alone, but I sort of understand where you're coming from. Still, at our age, it's probably not cool to exclusively surround yourself with kids young enough to be our grandchildren, if we weren't gay. Which you aren't, of course, because you are as straight as Tom Cruise. And Liberace.

2. The hair, the nose, the glove, the armbands, the uniforms, the skin tone, the Elephant Man, Bubbles... I hate to be the one to break this to you, but none of these things actually work in your favor. You might want to get a makeover. And a cocker spaniel to replace the chimp.

3. I know you're sort of stuck with your birth family -- you do not walk alone, my friend -- but I would encourage you to think very carefully about adding to it. Yes, I've dated some doozies over the years, but I would never actually have married Elvis's daughter. And while it's all very well and good to procreate, please keep in mind that you are not legally required to do so. Also, 'Blanket' is not a good name for a child.

4. Similarly, you should take another look at your handful of grown-up, post-pubescent friends. I think these people are bad influences on you... the kinds of neighbor kids your parents really wouldn't want you playing with. Here's a good rule of thumb: if a person was invited to the Liza Minnelli-David Gest wedding, or is actually Liza Minnelli or David Gest, he or she should not be your close friend or confidant. Except for maybe Liz Smith, who seems potentially fun.

5. Call it what it is. Jesus did not have a juice named after him.

6. Don't do bad sexual-molesty-type things to children. I'm not saying you did... I'm just saying.

If you follow my advice, I think you'll find that your life will be much less dramatic, and I'm sure you can put all those courtroom hours to better use. And now that we've become acquainted on a Famous-to-Famous basis, feel free to call on me at any time.