THE CORNERS OF MY MIND
So I'm moving. Maybe you hadn't heard.

Because this move will be quick -- we signed the lease yesterday and intend to be out of here by the end of the long weekend -- Bradykins and I decided to start packing tonight. In the process, I came across a batch of 3x5 cards and assorted cocktail napkins on which I had jotted ideas during moments of inspiration. Most of those moments occured, as you will note, at bars.

And that, my friends, is why a good writer always carries a pen.

For your reading pleasure, I have sorted them in a couple of general categories. And before you lash out in ill-considered rage, I'll state up front that I know some of these are lame, and some are trite. Deal with it. I am giving you a rare glimpse into my thought process when no one is looking.

Uh... which means, I suppose, that I am occasionally lame and trite. Deal with that, too.

One more thing: the funniest quotes? Yeah, they were probably mine.

And here you go:

REAL THINGS OBSERVED:
one numbered street among named streets

dyslexic signs: Captian Morgan’s Rum; Goldschalger

Amigone Funeral Home

Chinese menu: grilled lamp with erotic sauce


REAL OR EMBELLISHED QUOTES, MOST TAKING PLACE IN A BAR FOR SOME ODD REASON:
“His ass has been around so much that it’s recognizable without the face.”

To a one-armed person: “You have beautiful hands… hand!”

“I’m like a cat with a mouse. I can’t keep it… only play with it until I get bored and kill it.”

“I think my life would be better if I had ever made more than a subsistence living…”

“This bar is great! Thanks. I’ll be back with the next guy who takes me to Barneys!”

“Oh, him? I’m only stalking him on Tuesdays.”

“That’s me, ten years ago.”
“No, that’s someone else. Seventeen years ago.”

After starting a fight between two hustlers: “Oh, what have I done now?”

“Another one?”
“No, another two.”

“He’s going to the gym first.”
“So when will he be here?”
“I don’t know. How long does one spend in a gym?”

“The bartender is only paying attention to you because he’s a tip whore.”

“Mother Teresa has nothing on [insert name of real friend’s boyfriend]"

[apropos of something I no longer remember] “You can’t let him die… we need green cards!”

“They go in threes.”
“That’s actors.”
“Or victims of serial killers.”
“No… they go in eights.”


RANDOM STORY AND CHARACTER IDEAS
gay couple tries to get straight couple together

everyone over-insures and conspires on arson

gay man lives with straight woman; she gets engaged; he decides to kill her fiancé to keep his room in her apartment

bad book title for someone to be reading: ‘The Pink Cloud: Gay Heaven’

reformed alcoholic bartender who cuts people off after three drinks

Remember: I never promised you that the writing life is pretty...


UPDATE: Hi, Gawker Kids! Imagine my surprise. Uh... if you want to read things that two out of three Publishers Weekly critics agree are better than my drunken napkin-writing, there are always those links on the right.

Just sayin'.