WHY DOESN'T ROLAND EMMERICH MAKE A MOVIE ABOUT THIS?

Attack of the Cicadas. Coming soon to a suburb near you.

Okay, so last week I brought you the nauseating story of the guy who got sick from over-indulging on cicadas. This week, we have cicadcas attacking both the Leader of the Free World and Zenchick. What next? Thank God I live on an island with almost no vegetation.

I have a confession... a confession even more embarrassing than that of my AOL account. I quake in fear before most bugs. Cockroaches? They rattle me for hours. Water bugs? Forget about it. If I find one in my apartment, I just move.

Last week, when Bradykins visited New York, he and his friends related how they had to swat away the cicadas that swarmed them in front of his home in Arlington. I really don't think I could cope. Give me threatening teens on the subway, aggressive panhandlers, crazed cab drivers... no problem. I am in control. But a bug approximately 00.00004% of my size turns me into a screaming schoolgirl. Go figure.

Ah well... in a few weeks the cicadas will be gone, and I'll be safe for another 17 years.