Wednesday, August 18, 2004

Here's a quick update on my recent fun with the Foreign Money Scam Spammers. It seems that Mrs. Harriet Sayler has left the building continent. Too bad, because "Alexander Bertrand Kyle" still had more to say about the colony of homosexuals from the Ivory Coast who have invaded northern New Jersey. Ah well... there will be other times.

That's the bad news. The good news is that "Robert Pizeek Byrnes" is getting drawn into a web of intrigue... It started here, which brought the following response (edited for length):
I am Dubs Miller Corporate and Institutional Banking Service and Sales Manager HSBC Bank PLC including private Banking. A staff of ECKO CONSULTANT on behalf of HSBC Republic Bank PLC contacted you earlier concerning MR. STANLEY PIZEEK (coded account name) and an investment placed under our banks management 3 years ago. I would respectfully request that you keep the contents of this mail confidential and respect the integrity of the information you come by as a result of this mail. I contacted you independently of our investigation and no one is informed of this communication.

It turns out that Stanley Pizeek banked with my friend Dubs, to the tune of a cool $18.35 million. Dubs and Stanley moved the money through the murky world of European finance, until Stanley apparently went to see "The Brown Bunny" in Cannes and, well...
In June last year, we got a call from the security firm informing us that the inactivity of that particular portfolio. This was an astounding position as far as I was concerned, given the fact that I managed the private banking sector I was the only one who knew about the deposit, and I could not understand why Stanley had not come forward to claim his deposit. I made futile efforts to locate Stanley. I immediately passed the task of locating him to the internal investigations department of HSBC. Four days later, information started to trickle in, apparently Stanley was dead. A person who suited his description was declared dead of a heart attack in Cannes, South of France. We were soon enough able to identify the body and cause of death was confirmed.

Sad. Very sad. RIP, Stanley Pizeek.

But since this is a good news/bad news kind of day, you just know that there is a silver lining. And there is:
Private banking clients apart from not nominating next of kin also usually in most cases leave wills in our care, in this case; Stanley died interstate. In line with our internal processes for account holders who have passed away, we did institute our own investigations in good faith to determine who should have right to claim the estate.

This investigation has for the past months been unfruitful. We have scanned every continent and used our private investigation affiliate companies to get to the root of the problem. It is this investigation that did result in my being furnished with your details as a possible relative of the deceased. My official capacity dictates that I am the only party to supervise the investigation and the only party to receive the results of the investigation.

All good. All good. But then:
You have unfortunately declared that you are in no way affiliated with this individual. What this means, you being the last batch of names we have considered, is that our dear late fellow is dead with no known or identifiable family member. This leaves me as the only person with the full picture of what the prevailing situation is in relation to the deposit and the late beneficiary of the deposit.

Oh Dubs, Dubs, Dubs... I was beginning to think that all hope was lost, and I'd never receive Stanley's hidden fortune. Fortunately, Dubs is always thinbking:
The investigation has come to an end. My proposal; you share similar details to the late fellow; I am prepared to place you in a position to instruct the firm to release the deposit to you as the closest surviving relation. Upon receipt of the deposit, I am prepared to share the money with you. That
is: I will simply nominate you as the next of kin and have them release the deposit to you...

I ask that if you find no interest in this project that you should discard this mail. I ask that you do not be vindictive and destructive. If my offer is of no appeal to you, delete this message and forget I ever contacted you. Do not destroy my career because you do not approve of my proposal.

I wouldn't think of it, Dubs.

I want to play...