DEAR DONALD: FIRE THE GUY IN THE RED PANTS FIRST, PLEASE

The new season of The Apprentice begins tonight. Yay!

Without having seen a single episode, I already know that I want Red Pants Guy to meet an early demise. Tell me, is The Donald only allowed to fire wannabe apprentices, or can he have George and Carolyn dangle them from the top of Trump Tower until they wet their pants before they *cough* lose their grips *cough*, sending Red Pants Guy to a grisly death, his body splattered all over the Fifth Avenue sidewalk.

Just asking.

But seriously, does anyone know the answer to that question?

Actually, in looking over their information, Red Pants Guy isn't the only candidate I think I'll be cheering against. For instance, we have:

• Andy, who says that Tony Robbins informercials rank among his favorite television shows;
• Bradford, who says Rudy Giuliani's Leadership is one of his favorite books.
• Chris, who says of The Donald, "his story is self explanatory: real estate mogul, beautiful women, athletic, down to earth, etc. And that confident swagger! He's the definition of a 'man's man.'"
• Elizabeth: "When Harry Met Sally is by far the best romantic comedy ever written." Mmmmmokay, dullard.
• Ivana, whose sins include: favorite TV show, "Quiznos Sub Commercials"; favorite movie, "Dude, Where's My Car"; and name, Ivana.
• Jennifer C., whose interests include "Competitive horseback riding, such as Hunter Pace Racing and Fox Hunting. I also love Polo..." What the hell is Hunter Pace Racing? (I could Google it, but I don't care enough.)
• Jennifer M.: lawyer.
• John: describes 'business' as one of his interests, therefore, you just know he's a fun time.
• Kelly, who answered the question "If you had a super power, what would it be and why?" with this load of bullshit: "I would choose the power to heal... Not only could I help those close to me, but I could also help the thousands of brave Americans putting their lives on the line to protect our freedom." Give it a break, Kelly.
• Kevin, who demonstrates excessive humility: "I'm the smartest and most talented and most qualified. "
• Maria. Her hobbies include "going to spas."
• Pamela: interests include "sleeping late;" favorite movies include "Tommy Boy"; and when it comes to books, well... "I don't really have the attention span to get through many books. I prefer magazines... The last really interesting book I read was entitled "Cocaine: An Unauthorized Biography." Oh wait. Maybe we like her.
• Red Pants Guy Raj gives us another reason to watch him drop: "I generally try not to watch television. It rots the brain. However, when I appear on the tube it is irresistible to me. In this particular exception, that of my presence on television, I would heartily encourage others to watch and to do so without concern regarding the diminution of their mental faculties."
• Rob, who likes "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" but hastens to add "thanks to my wife." We get it, Big Guy. You're butch and very very heterosexual. Now move along.
• Sandy, whose favorite books include The Bridges of Madison County. 'Nuff said.
• Stacie J., who owns a Subway store, thinks "The Devil's Advocate" is "one of the best movies of all time," and lists 'laughing' as an interest.
• Stacy R.: lawyer.
• Wes: "There's an aura around Trump. He's an icon."

Maybe we should all just steer clear of the sidewalk in front of Trump Tower for a few months. Just to be on the safe side.