Wednesday, May 25, 2005

As a Famous Author, I am often asked for advice. For example, a conversation with an aspiring writer might go like this:
Aspiring Writer: In 1991 I murdered a family of six and got away with it. I think that would make for a fascinating chapter in my memoirs. What do you think, Famous Author Rob Byrnes?

Famous Author Rob Byrnes: Well, Alan Cumming -- I mean, Aspiring Writer -- as you know, I only write fiction. I only live fiction, for that matter. So I might not be the right person to give you advice. However, I would think that you would be ill-advised to confess such a heinous crime on paper.

Aspiring Writer: I think it's pronounced hee-ni-ous.

Famous Author Rob Byrnes: No, it's hay-nous, you stupid bisexual Scottish Tim Curry-wannabe twit.
Had he asked, I would have given the author of the following passage the same advice:
"Over the years, I have converted many single-family dwellings into rooming houses without it being legal... The profit you can squeeze out of this type of house, until you are caught, is enormous.

"I used the surplus revenue ... to buy a new Cadillac Eldorado annually"
But, alas, he didn't ask. And now he's going to jail.

The moral of the story? Always seek out and follow my advice. Also, remember to pronounce 'heinous' correctly.

Related: The Care & Feeding of Tenants on Amazon. Mercifully, my books are still slightly outselling his books. For now.