TEN HOT NEWS ITEMS
[Because it's easier to toss up a bunch of links than put some thought in your entries. Heh... like you come here for 'thought.']

Item #1: Jim Stelling is a good Republican. In fact, apparently he believes in a large number of family values.

Item #2: RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!! I'm not sure, but it appears Kentucky Governor Ernie Fletcher has paid another visit to Washington, DC. (Ummm... those of you with faulty short-term memory will want to click here.)

Item #3: Thank you, Governor Gregoire. According to the Associated Press, Christine Gregoire -- Governor of the State of Washington -- is clearly a reader of this blog. Thank you, Governor. Your TRL tote bag is in the mail!

Item #4: Just because the Spring Breakers fall off balconies doesn't mean that you should fall off a balcony. What next? Grandmas Gone Wild videos?

Item #5: If you were a fucking idiot, would you want the world to know? Misty Turner, Rhonda Trantham, and a bunch of other mouth-breathers in Waynesville, North Carolina would. Cue up the Theme from Deliverance, gals! Oh, and... Chan Chandler? What kind of name is that? Chan, I realize that you have deeply rooted anger at your parents for double-naming you, but you shouldn't be taking it out on anyone who disagrees with you. I mean, it's not as if your name is Faith or Hope!

Item #6: Mister Softee is coming and he's pissed! So a 44-year-old ice cream man (bad sign number one) crosses paths with a foul-mouthed, obnoxious fat boy (bad sign number two) in Pittsburgh (bad sign number three.) Nothing could possible go wrong, right?

Item #7: The Amazing Race 7 is over. If Meredith and Gretchen couldn't win -- and, well, they couldn't -- I'm glad that Uchenna and Joyce won. What would have made victory all the sweeter is if Rob and Amber were both violently raped -- anally raped... without lube -- by crazed Mister Softee truck drivers in the slums of San Juan. Ah well... maybe next season.

Item #8: Very, very cool! Mark Hamill has Friday night plans for the first time in eleven years.

Item #9. From the Department of Icky Mental Imagery.
Choose one of the following and envision. Then -- to compound the trauma -- write fan-fiction about what your imagination came up with.
A. Michael Jackson. Macauley Culkin. Nakedness. Maybe Macauley doing that face-slapping thing from Home Alone.
B. The Rolling Stones, circa 2005. Nakedness. Maybe some drunken clowning around on the ninth-floor balcony...
C. Paula Abdul. Corey Clark. Nakedness. Not gross enough? Well, don't forget to think of 'distinguishing characteristic few have seen, only those who have been intimate with her.' There. That should keep you awake for a few days.

Item #10. Think you're cool? Well, BoiFromTroy is cooler. He drinks with Wink Martindale, and it doesn't get any better than that.