I'M READY FOR MY CLOSE-UP
To: Super-Agent Katherine
From: Famous Author Rob Byrnes
Re: Pseudo-Reality TV

As you'll recall, in the recent past we've discussed ways in which we might work with the new LOGO cable channel. This weekend I had a revelation, and I think it's workable. Introducing...

"Fat Author!"

Let me flesh this out for you. Uummm... no pun intended. The series opens as I go out to sit in the sun for the first time this season. I'm horrified later to discover that although my chest and stomach are burned, there is a noticable pale line across my upper abdomen where my belly folded up and protected the skin from the sun. My reaction -- something we can make a personal trademark, like slapping my forehead and muttering, "Oy, vey!", which is funny when a WASP does it -- brings the audience to tears. Tears of laughter, that is.

Cut to: the next day. I'm using a friend's bathroom and notice his scale. I think about this for a while... I haven't stood on a scale for more than a year. But I am courageous, and step onto it... then watch in horror as the scale passes 170 and keeps spinning until it reaches 193.5! I quickly strip off my cargo shorts and deck shoes and try again. 190.5!

Of course you know what happens next. That's right: Slap! "Oy, vey!"

That's when I decide to take action, and no longer pretend that my clothes are tight because the cleaners shrunk them. And that's where we have a show!

The situations in this sit-com just seem to write themselves. For instance, my coterie of friends assistants -- Steven, Craig, and Greg -- would be there to provide whacky interaction and share smokes. And it would be fun to feature celebrity friends of mine, like Teej, Becks, and Blossom.

I also think we have some great opportunity for physical comedy, which will be a nice change of pace from the cerebral, intellectual humor I'm ordinarily associated with. The gym alone would be a goldmine of ideas, such as a treadmill that speeds up uncontrollably, equipment that collapses beneath me, strange encounters in the locker room, etc.

Get back to me on this idea at your earliest convenience. I think we've got a winner here, and I pledge to not lose a pound if I can in any way justify that through art.

Yours,

FARB