Tomorrow night, season 4 of The Apprentice premieres. Once again, it's going to be hard to decide which candidate to hate the most. Let us count the ways:
ADAM
Hate Factor: A perfect 10.
Bill O'Reilly fan. Also, looks like the sort of annoying guy you want to smack in the nose upon first encounter.
Hate Factor: 3.
Gets credit for being a former stripper with a murderous stalker -- I mean, not even Omarosa could pull that off. Loses credit for dreadful taste in favorite movies. White Chicks? Phantom?! Yikes.
BRIAN
Hate Factor: 1.
Sorry... I can't bring myself to hate him. I think he's really hot, and he's also very crafty, since he seems intent on fucking Carolyn.
CHRIS
Hate Factor: 7
Former jock turned radio advertising salesman; next stop: a trailer park. Favorite movie: Glengarry Glen Ross. This one has frustration and 'roid rage written all over him. Hopefully he'll take a swing at Adam, and not Brian.
CLAY
Hate Factor: 4
Homosexual, although apparently not on the NBC web site. Disses Carolyn on-line; likes The Birdcage.
FELISHA
Hate Factor: 7
Looks like a real bitch, and therefore will probably get a beat-down from Carolyn (after she's done with Gay Clay); likes Oprah and The DaVinci Code.
JAMES
Hate Factor: 8
"George (has) got to be doing something right to live this long." George is what? 108 years old? Mostly, though, James is to be hated for two words: Cingular Wireless.
JENNIFER M.
Hate Factor: 9
Turn that frown upside down, missy!
Former Miss Orgeon. One of two Jennifers, so confusion will ensue. Another fan of the Phantom of the Opera movie.
JENNIFER W.
Hate Factor: 3
Possible lesbian (plays golf; has children). Jennifer Confusion Quotient. Regrettably thinks Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson are funny; didn't mention
Will Ferrell, so she mitigated her demerits.
JOSH
Hate Factor: 7
Quote #1: "First, allow me to say that all 18 candidates are winners."
Finally, someone directly connects The Apprentice with the Special Olympics!
Quote #2: "I awaken every day with a smile on my face and a passion for life that is hard to quantify by any metric."
Nobody -- nobody -- talks like that.
KRISTI
Hate Factor: 2
Teenage slut turned... who cares? Former teenage slut! Yes!!
MARK
Hate Factor: 7
Don't like the looks of him... okay, I'll concede that was subjective. Objectively, he can't count: "I love Montgomery Gentry, Toby Keith, and Hank Williams Jr. But Jimmy Buffett is a close second!" Idiot.
MARKUS
Hate Factor: 9
Coined the word 'multipreneur.' Proud of coining the word 'multipreneur.'
Almost as old as George. Fan of Tony Robbins. Mitigating Factor: Probably an alcoholic.
MARSHAWN
Hate Factor: 7
Another former beauty queen. Possibility that someone (probably Gay Clay) will exclaim, "Marshawn, Marshawn, Marshawn!" One of these things is not like the others: "My favorite movies are My Fair Lady, Brown Sugar, Remember the Titans, Rush Hour, and Bad Boys I and II, and The Hurricane about Rubin "Hurricane" Carter."
MELISSA
Hate Factor: 5
"I'm an All-American in softball and soccer." Um... *cough* Prefers Meet the Fockers to, oh, let's say, Casablanca.
RANDAL
Hate Factor: 3
I'm sorry; I tried, but I'm not feeling the hate here. I mean, I'm not feeling the love I have for Brian, either, but... Maybe I'm just getting tired.
REBECCA
Hate Factor: 8
Teen People + Point of Light = Hate Goldmine! Favorite movies include the Chris Farley Oscar-winner Tommy Boy.
TORAL
Hate Factor: 10
"Q: How do you deal with personal and professional challenges?
A: Spiritually."
Translated: I will cut your throat in your sleep, muthafucka.
Fan of Nixon and black female version of Nixon: Oprah. Probably the designated 'Evil Character.'
Obviously, we won't know anything for sure un til the show airs, but... come on! You know! Look at them!
Oh, and Brian? Call me!
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