Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Tomorrow night, season 4 of The Apprentice premieres. Once again, it's going to be hard to decide which candidate to hate the most. Let us count the ways:

Hate Factor: A perfect 10.
Bill O'Reilly fan. Also, looks like the sort of annoying guy you want to smack in the nose upon first encounter.

Hate Factor: 3.
Gets credit for being a former stripper with a murderous stalker -- I mean, not even Omarosa could pull that off. Loses credit for dreadful taste in favorite movies. White Chicks? Phantom?! Yikes.

Hate Factor: 1.

Sorry... I can't bring myself to hate him. I think he's really hot, and he's also very crafty, since he seems intent on fucking Carolyn.

Hate Factor: 7

Former jock turned radio advertising salesman; next stop: a trailer park. Favorite movie: Glengarry Glen Ross. This one has frustration and 'roid rage written all over him. Hopefully he'll take a swing at Adam, and not Brian.

Hate Factor: 4

Homosexual, although apparently not on the NBC web site. Disses Carolyn on-line; likes The Birdcage.

Hate Factor: 7

Looks like a real bitch, and therefore will probably get a beat-down from Carolyn (after she's done with Gay Clay); likes Oprah and The DaVinci Code.

Hate Factor: 8

"George (has) got to be doing something right to live this long." George is what? 108 years old? Mostly, though, James is to be hated for two words: Cingular Wireless.

Hate Factor: 9

Turn that frown upside down, missy!
Former Miss Orgeon. One of two Jennifers, so confusion will ensue. Another fan of the Phantom of the Opera movie.

Hate Factor: 3

Possible lesbian (plays golf; has children). Jennifer Confusion Quotient. Regrettably thinks Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson are funny; didn't mention
Will Ferrell, so she mitigated her demerits.

Hate Factor: 7

Quote #1: "First, allow me to say that all 18 candidates are winners."
Finally, someone directly connects The Apprentice with the Special Olympics!
Quote #2: "I awaken every day with a smile on my face and a passion for life that is hard to quantify by any metric."
Nobody -- nobody -- talks like that.

Hate Factor: 2

Teenage slut turned... who cares? Former teenage slut! Yes!!

Hate Factor: 7

Don't like the looks of him... okay, I'll concede that was subjective. Objectively, he can't count: "I love Montgomery Gentry, Toby Keith, and Hank Williams Jr. But Jimmy Buffett is a close second!" Idiot.

Hate Factor: 9

Coined the word 'multipreneur.' Proud of coining the word 'multipreneur.'
Almost as old as George. Fan of Tony Robbins. Mitigating Factor: Probably an alcoholic.

Hate Factor: 7

Another former beauty queen. Possibility that someone (probably Gay Clay) will exclaim, "Marshawn, Marshawn, Marshawn!" One of these things is not like the others: "My favorite movies are My Fair Lady, Brown Sugar, Remember the Titans, Rush Hour, and Bad Boys I and II, and The Hurricane about Rubin "Hurricane" Carter."

Hate Factor: 5

"I'm an All-American in softball and soccer." Um... *cough* Prefers Meet the Fockers to, oh, let's say, Casablanca.

Hate Factor: 3

I'm sorry; I tried, but I'm not feeling the hate here. I mean, I'm not feeling the love I have for Brian, either, but... Maybe I'm just getting tired.

Hate Factor: 8

Teen People + Point of Light = Hate Goldmine! Favorite movies include the Chris Farley Oscar-winner Tommy Boy.

Hate Factor: 10

"Q: How do you deal with personal and professional challenges?
A: Spiritually."

Translated: I will cut your throat in your sleep, muthafucka.
Fan of Nixon and black female version of Nixon: Oprah. Probably the designated 'Evil Character.'

Obviously, we won't know anything for sure un til the show airs, but... come on! You know! Look at them!

Oh, and Brian? Call me!