Monday, September 12, 2005

Because it happened 15 minutes ago, you've no doubt already heard that Embattled FEMA Director Michael Brown -- yes, that was indeed his official title -- has resigned. That was a shame, because there are entire states he left unscathed.

After I got over the shock -- because no one saw that coming, did they? -- I had a thought. And now that I've had 14 minutes to mull it over, I think it's quite a good thought!

Yes, folks, it's time for me to update my resume. My nation needs me. I am off to Washington to become the next Embattled FEMA Director.

'But Famous Author Rob Byrnes,' you are probably thinking to yourself... or, even more disturbingly, saying aloud to yourself. 'What do you know about disasters?' To which I will merely refer you to Publishers Weekly and's 'A Reader in Reno' and leave things at that. Just trust me when I tell you that I know disasters. And I really know Embattled.

And I already have an agenda. As Embattled FEMA Director Famous Author Rob Byrnes, I will make it a priority to bring brush-fires to Maryland and Delaware. I promise you cataclysmic earthquakes in Wisconsin. I will personally see to it that the entire state of Oklahoma is under water before the end of January.

And when EFEMADFARB makes a promise, he delivers. So stand aside and prepare to be smited. Er... smitten. Er... whatever.

Best of all, the President will not have to strain to come up with a nickname for me. I will always be his 'Byrnsie.' And he'll be my 'Bushie-Wushie.'

Thanks for your support as I prepare to under-serve my country.

RELATED: Why was everyone so surprised to discover that Brownie hadn't been properly vetted? You do remember who the White House originally nominated to be his boss, don't you?