Wednesday, April 19, 2006

It's bad enough that I am slowly dying of MSOD, but last night was a true ordeal. Your imagination cannot begin to fathom what I endured...

TRAPPED! On the Roosevelt Island Tram!

5:20 PM: I board the Tram on the Manhattan side. Two minutes later, it comes to an abrupt stop. One woman is thrown off balance and plunges through a window, falling 250 feet into the East River, where she disappears into the rough current.

6:00 PM: We are still stranded in mid-air. My fellow passengers are remarkably calm, with the exception of the panicky middle-aged businessman who is sweating profusely and keeps yelling that we're all going to die. I slap him to bring him out of it, then slap him again 'cause the first time felt so good.

6:09 PM: We now feel confident we are going to be okay, because Gothamist is on the story!

7:22 PM: Getting bored. Slap middle-aged businessman again.

8:15 PM: Getting pissed. Realize I totally missed Happy Hour.

8:22 PM: Everyone in the Tram car gains new hope when we see Spider-Man swing across the East River.

8:23 PM: Fucker chose Mary Jane over us. In a unanimous vote, we decide we officially hate him.

8:52 PM: Mayor Bloomberg on the scene. Word comes to us that he is having Bat-Signal sent to Roosevelt Island. Fellow passengers unimpressed by superheroes at this point.

9:35 PM: First person drinks own urine. Strangely, bottled water was available.

9:57 PM: Middle-aged businessman finally snaps, screams that he has to get off the Tram, and leaps out the broken window. I try to grab him, but he slips out of his Brooks Brothers blazer and falls 250 feet into the East River. Coat is a 42-long. A keeper.

10:33 PM: Power fails on Bat-Signal. Mayor Bloomberg resorts to standing on Roosevelt Island and yelling, "Save us, Superman. Save us!"

11:11 PM: Passengers elect Dax Maier official spokesperson by a vote of 24-7 over Rick Lazio's wife.

11:25 PM: Dax Maier now working my last friggin' nerve. Dude, I do not want to go skateboarding with you when this is all over!

12:04 AM: Passengers begin eating corpses to survive.

12:14 AM: In a desperate bid to once again become America's Mayor, Rudy Giuliani inches himself along the cable until he reaches the car, then offers to take a food order for the passengers. I order chardonnay, which is food to me. Dax Maier orders vodka-tonic. Rick Lazio's wife orders burger.

1:00 AM: Yes, peeing out the window in full view of the TV news helicopters is sort of gross, but it has to be done. Technicians at channels 2, 4, 5, 7, and Telemundo in full pixelation mode.

1:32 AM: America's Mayor Rudy Giuliani inches his way back out the cable with our dinner. Says, "Betcha won't see Bloomberg doing things like this for you." Rick Lazio's wife complains that her burger is cold and refuses to tip.

2:07 AM: Passengers hear rumors that other stranded Tram car has already been emptied. Riots ensue; passengers rampage, set fires, and flip over Rick Lazio's wife's hamburger. The mood is getting ugly.

2:07:30 AM: Riot ends when America's Mayor Rudy Giuliani bangs on the roof of the car and tells passengers to keep it down.

2:36 AM: In an effort to buoy spirits, I moonwalk.

2:59 AM: I have to pee again. Fortunately, this time Senator Chuck Schumer is between me and the cameras.

3:44 AM: Rescuers finally reach us. First responder on scene reaches out to stereotypically-frightened woman, trying to guide her to rescue bucket, but she nervously loses her footing, and -- as he saves her from falling -- he himself becomes a tragic victim, plummeting 250 feet into the East River. Next year the television movie about his heroic sacrifice will get trashed in the Nielson ratings by a repeat of According to Jim.

4:08 AM: Panicking, Rick Lazio's wife shoves Dax Maier out of the way and takes the last spot in the rescue bucket.

4:45 AM: Dax Maier and I are finally rescued. Modestly, I slip away into the night, letting the young man get all the glory.

Yeah, it was quite a night. Needless to say, I'm a bit tired after that ordeal, so I apologize in advance if I don't blog much today.

But for the record: I am looking very sharp in my new Brooks Brothers blazer...