Tuesday, August 26, 2008


Okay, folks, I think I've made you wait long enough. It's time for you to get your first look at next spring's Must-Have book.

(Uh... that would be my new book, Straight Lies, of course. But you knew that, right?)

So here, stolen from the Kensington Publishing catalog, is the first image. (Go to page 55 of the catalog for slightly better quality.)

The catalog copy, which I assume mirrors the book jacket, reads:

Grant and Chase are a fun-loving pair of small-time hustlers with no money, little patience, and lots of get-rich-quick schemes. Romeo Romero is the world’s hottest openly gay celebrity. He’s got the face, the abs -— and the sex video that could destroy his career by revealing a surprising fact: He’s straight.

When Grant and Chase hear about the video, they decide to steal the tape, blackmail the star, and collect the cash. But when they stupidly leave the video in a New York cab, the would-be crooks have to wheel and deal with a sleazy tabloid editor, a lesbian real estate agent, a kinky Internet stalker, and an alluring boy toy to finally get to the truth... behind not-so-straight lies.

Well... mostly that's what's in my book. My fault, though: that's what happens when they start designing your book jacket before you've turned in your manuscript. In any event, the only thing that doesn't quite work is the description of Romeo Romero. He could possibly have the face and the abs, but they are in a 60 year old package.

Whatever. Caveat emptor, and all that.

Okay, so that's that. Start saving up that $15, because the book will be on sale before you know it, and by 'before you know it' I mean in seven months, give or take a few days.

Now, onto our next order of business: my new arch-nemesis. (By the way, arch-nemeses are not the same as Celebrity Feuders... unless Musto intends to publish a book next April.)

As many of you all of you know, I have been the victim of a six-year conspiracy aimed at hurting my book sales. First, bisexual Tim Curry-wannabe Cumming was recruited to stop me, but I easily rolled over him and his little book. By the way, if you're interested in reading his novel, all you have to do is save up your pennies. Literally.

Then, a few years ago, The Gay American stepped up to the plate. And where is he now? Totally out of the news!

I had wondered where my next arch-nemesis would come from -- would it be Screech? -- but, thanks to the Kensington catalog, my question has been answered. Hard as it to believe that my own publisher would offer up the next arch-nemesis, the proof is right there on page 48.

Coming in April, 2009... Cloris, an autobiography by Cloris Leachman.

Cloris Fucking Leachman!

Okay, Phyllis, you think you're man enough to take me on? You'd better be smarter and faster and sneakier, Blucher, because I'm ready. By the end of April, I will have pulled the warm, still-beating heart from your withered chest cavity with my bare hands and forced Corky Ballas to watch as I drink your blood! Yes, I take this insult Just! That! Seriously!

Let the games... begin.