Thursday, May 20, 2004

I go through life holding my tongue and looking the other way. Yes, I get angry, but I try not to act on it. Anger is not a healthy emotion, and once the anger has passed, there's always too much collateral damage. Better to buck it up, swallow it, and get past it.


Every now and then, though, I let it break through. And I hate myself the next day, even though the anger was probably justified.

Take last night, for example. Someone who means a lot to me remarked that lately I had been exhibiting an occasional short fuse. He was probably right, and it could be from a combination of factors. Maybe I'm letting my guard down a bit, now that I know him better. Maybe the incredible work stress he knows I'm under is eating at me. Maybe... well, pick any other factor you want. It probably works.

But my reaction was, well, angry. Angry that this was being thrown on me now, at a time in my life that doesn't allow for the distraction. Angry that it was being distorted, made significant only by the fact that I'm usually never angry. Angry that there was no perspective given to it, that the causes of my anger weren't taken into consideration.

Anger piled upon anger. The dam burst.

I think I fucked up a personal relationship that means a lot to me, and all because the accusation of excessive anger turned into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

The ramifications are exactly what I didn't want. I have a big meeting in an hour, and I've barely slept. I feel regret, even though I wasn't really wrong. Everything I've worked hard to not let happen has happened, because I got so angry I had to slam down a phone.

Anger sucks.

I'll probably delete this entry later... hell, I'll probably be embarrassed by it. Right now, I'm too punchy to think about it. In any event, this particular blog isn't the place you expect to find introspective confession, so it probably doesn't belong.

But, for now, I have to get it out somewhere. So here it is.