PLAY WITH YOUR SPAM
Okay, so I suddenly started feeling sad that Mrs. Harriet Sayler was ignoring me, so...

Dear Mrs. Sayler:

I have not heard from you for the past ten days, by my calculation, and I am growing concerned. I do hope you are all right, and that no harm has befallen you. It would rattle my peace of mind if ill-fortune entered your life. Beyond that which has already entered it, of course, since we cannot undo what the lord has already done.

That is a saying of my wife, Peggy. Oh, I do think you would like her if you met her. Perhaps one day we will all have an opportunity to meet. Maybe I will take Peggy to the Ivory Coast, and show her some of the world I saw when I was a merchant seaman. I feel a bit sad that Peggy has not seen much of the world, except New Jersey, Pennsylvania, a bit of Ohio, and that little part of West Virginia that juts out and looks sort of like a turkey drumstick, or maybe a chicken wing.

Please let me know that you are all right, or if you need me to contact the International Red Cross or some other agency. I would be happy to do that for you. Also, let me know if you would still like my assistance in that banking matter.

Take care, good lady. I await your response.

Alexander Bertrand Kyle

Sure, I can't seem to respond to my own e-mail, but I can do this. Ah well... as long as you're remotely entertained, I guess it's worth it.

Uh... you are entertained, aren't you?