GREAT NEAR-MISSES IN CINEMA
In what Hollywood sources are calling "a damn shame... *snicker*... no, really!," ABC has cancelled plans for a Mel Gibson-produced miniseries about the Holocaust. Network executives deny this has anything to do with Gibson's recent drunk-driving-while-channeling-Father-Coughlin incident, instead claiming that they "have yet to see the first draft of a script."

As always, I am way ahead of ABC. I have not only seen Gibson's script, but I have a copy of it on my hard-drive. It is thought-provoking and edgy, and it is apparent to me that the only reason ABC has cancelled this project is because of the network's anti-Christian bias.

Don't believe me? Just see for yourself. Here are a few excerpts from Mel Gibson's original Holocaust screenplay, Provokateur.

SCENE: a tenenment. A mother, EVA, and her toddler child, HEINZ, huddle together; we can see their breath in the frigid cold air

HEINZ: Mama, will we ever be warm again? Will I ever again feel my toes?
EVA (choking back tears): Nein, son, never. Dare not to dream. Until Mr. Rabinowitz is kind enough to give us heat, we must make do.

Later:

SCENE: the street. It is later that night. EVA runs, tripping along the cobblestones. She is crying.

EVA (screaming): My baby!! Where is my baby Heinz?!!

Mr. Rabinowitz steps out of a dark alley. His white dress whirt is flecked with blood, and he holds something in his hand.

RABINOWITZ: What is wrong, Frau Wagner?
EVA (in hysterics): My baby Heinz has disappeared! Do you know where he is?!
RABINOWITZ: Nein. (he smiles, and offers her what is in his hand): Would you like some fresh matzoh?
EVA screams.

Later:

SCENE: MR. and MRS. FRANK sit in their comfortable, expensively-furnished parlor. They are agitated.

MR. FRANK: So let me get this straight: our daughter Anne...
MRS. FRANK: Ja, it is true. Our dear daughter Anne has run off. She has eloped with (she spits) a dirty German!
MR. FRANK: Nein! Not (he spits) a dirty German!
MRS. FRANK: Ja! (she spits) A dirty German! Oh, what are we going to do?
MR. FRANK (thinks a moment, then says): Here is what we will do. Can you forge our daughter Anne's handwriting?
MRS. FRANK: But of course. I am cunning and sly!
MR. FRANK (a smile comes to his face): Then go get a pen and a blank diary book. We are going to give (he spits) these dirty Germans something to think about.

Later:

SCENE: two LOWLY GERMAN WOMEN, dressed in rags, talk on the street.

WOMAN #1: Did you meet him?
WOMAN #2: Ja. I did not think he would shake hands with a lowly woman dressed in rags, but he was oh so sweet.
WOMAN #1: That's what I hear. I also hear that he dotes on his mother.
WOMAN #2: Who is his mother?
WOMAN #1: Mrs. Hitler.
WOMAN #2 (incredulous): Mrs. Hitler?! From Apartment 6-G?
WOMAN #1: That's the one.
WOMAN #2: Well no wonder Der Fuhrer is such a nice, down to earth man.
WOMAN #1 (whispers): And you know what? He's also an artist!
WOMAN #2: Oh, to be twenty years younger!
WOMAN #1 (raises eyebrow): Twenty?
WOMAN #2: Thirty. (she decides to change the subject) So is your heat back on?
WOMAN #1: Nein. Mr. Leibsteinowitz says no heat unless I give him my grandson.
WOMAN #2: Such a shame... such a shame...

(Suddenly a young woman runs past, screaming. When she departs:)

WOMAN #1: It looks like my grandson is safe for today. But don't eat Mr. Leibsteinowitz's matzoh, if he offers.

And finally:

SCENE: RABINOWITZ, the FRANKs, and LEIBSTEINOWITZ drink brandy at their private club. They are laughing.)

MR. FRANK: ... and that's the last time (he spits) a dirty German will ever try to run off with our daughter!

(gales of laughter)

RABINOWITZ: I've got to hand it to you, Franky, that diary trick was well done! Now, before we get back to work, would anyone like some matzoh?
LEIBSTEINOWITZ: I couldn't. If I have one more drop of the blood of Christian babies, I swear I am going to burst!
RABINOWITZ: All right then, let's get down to business. I've been thinking about this, and, well... if we're serious about running the world, I really think we have to seriously rework our PR angle.
MR. FRANK: Meaning?
RABINOWITZ: Meaning you were on to something, Franky. You made the Germans look bad, and the Jews look like the victims. (he leans in conspiratorily) So what if we said they were killing us?
LEIBSTEINOWITZ (leaping up): Brilliant! Let's start spreading the word that the Germans have killed... (he thinks for a moment)... six hundred Jews!
MR. FRANK: Nein, nein, you're thinking too small. Six thousand!
RABINOWITZ: Sixty thousand!

(they are silent for a moment until Mrs. Frank leans forward and says:)

MRS. FRANK: Six million!
ALL: Whooooo!

(they begin cackling, and, as the camera lingers on them, the laughter grows)

So you see, there was a script. ABC just decided to exercide its typical, garden-variety anti-Christian bias. But in an industry run by the descendants of Rabinowitz, the Franks, and Leibsteinowitz, what do you expect?

Fortunately, all hope is not lost for Mel Gibson and his dream. No... hope -- like fruitcake and Jesus -- remains eternal.



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