EACH IN HER STYLE A DELILAH REBORN...

So earlier tonight I learned that I am not the only one who has a fantasy of winning MegaMillions just so I can invest it in a screen version of Follies.

Done right, of course. Otherwise, it becomes a screen version of A Little Night Music. (Much as I love that show, Pauline Kael is right about the movie.)

Anyway, all we need is, uh, $80 million dollars to make this happen. If you all send a mere $500,000, we're almost there.

But what a cast we developed at the bar tonight! Invest soon, or we're gonna lose a lot of them... and by "lose a lot of them," I don't mean to other projects:

Buddy Plummer: Mandy Patinkin
(He rocked in the concert version; now he's old enough to play Buddy for real)
Sally Plummer: Bernadette Peters
(No longer the coquette; time to let those lungs sing mournfully)
Ben Stone: Richard Gere
(Not a great singer, but this role could be just right)
Phyllis Stone: Meryl Streep
(Meryl singing "Could I Leave You?" OMG!)

Carlotta Campion: Goldie Hawn
(The '60s hippie is now 60-something. That works.)
Hattie Walker: Elaine Stritch
(Cliched, perhaps, but com'on!)
Heidi Schiller: Barbara Cook
(Perfect!)
Solange Lafitte: Leslie Caron
(Maybe the most tick-tock of the bunch...)
Stella Deems: Chita Rivera
("Who's That Woman?" may be the last great chance for Chita and Leslie to show off those gams!)
Dmitri Weissman: Mickey Rooney
(Perfect career symmetry: juvenile to elder; plus, we could write in a dance number for him... just for fun.)
Roscoe: Len Cariou
(Career Achievement Award)

There are a few roles -- including all The Youngs -- to cast, but weigh in now. Also, send that huge check so we can do this right!

BACK TO WORK

Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly.

And, for all the bitching and laziness and self-doubt and more laziness, Famous Author Rob Byrnes has gotta write again.

CHAPTER ONE

Mae West stood on the stage, staring at the slight young man with the slicked-back hair until, realizing that his voice was now the only sound in the theater, he fell silent.

"Who's doing the rehearsing here? Me, or you?"...

And so, 16 months and much more talk than typing later, we begin again...

AM IN YUR SANKTITY OF MARRIAGE. DESTROYIN.

Congratulations, homos. Another one down.

Is there anything we can't do?

MY FIRST BIRTHER!

Check out the comment on last night's post. I am SO excited!

And -- if he even returns (which I doubt) -- wait until he finds out I'm a 'mo. Not to mention almost from Canada! His Tea Partying head will asplode!

Just doing my part to thin the herd...

PLAYING WITH THEIR SPAM

Remember the fun we used to have? Yeah... good times. So if we can have fun with my spam, theirs should be fair game, too. Presenting...

Dearest Beloved in Christ Dr. Orly Taitz Esquire,

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Doctor Nurly Uhruji, a doctor at the Kenya Medical Centre in Mombasa, Kenya, wich is a hospital at which I am a doctor. I bring you good wishes for your health and wellbeing as well as those of your wives and childrens and trheir childrens and your aunts and uncles also.

I write to you today about great American controversy about your president Barack Obama's birth certificate. In Kenya we are proud thate your americn president Obama is Kenyan, and we do not understand why he rejects his birthright. Nonetheless, we have been silent about this matter for discretionry reasons, because we do not want to compromise a great Kenyan as he prepares to rule the world for all Kenyans and Muslins.

Unfortunately, however, my wife has died in a suspicious plane crah with the president of Burndi, leaving me with twelve small children to raise, all under age 8. Therefore I need money. However, I am not asking you for funds as donation, but in exchange I can give you the original Barack Hussein Muhammed Killwhitey Obama birth certificate as filed in Kenya Medical Centre in Mombasa Kenya, where I work as a doctor.Please note that this is not a "Certificate of Live Birth" or something equally shady or criminal. It is in fact a long-form birth certificate.

I will take this document at great risk of serious injury or even death, leaving my children orphans who will have to ask for funds on the internt, but I would like to be adequately compensated for my risk. Therefor, if you want to receive this document, please prepare to wire $10,000,000.00 to me as soon as you can. Otherwise, I will have to send e-mail to Glenn Beck.

Sincerely, Doctor Nurly Uhruji

What do you know... sometimes this approach seems to work!

INTERNATIONAL AFFAIRS

The problem with quickly scanning headlines is that you can get the wrong impression. This headline, for instance, made me think the "Tea Party" and "Birther" movements had spread to Thailand:

Loudmouths gather for Thai screaming contest

Alas, we still own the phenomenon. USA! USA!