Friday, December 31, 2004

WHEN THEY BEGIN THE... WHAT?
The end of my night last night: Return home. Turn on the television for a news round-up before bed. Hear a reporter announce that Artie Shaw has died. Hear the announcer say that Shaw was known for big hits, such as 'Begin the Be-Gwine.' Hear a rumbling that must have been Cole Porter and Artie Shaw spinning in their caskets. Go to bed and dream of a mythical place where television personalities are required to have more than a phonetic acquaintance with language and culture. The end.

Thursday, December 30, 2004

OKAY, NOW I'M APPROPRIATELY CONCERNED
Just three days ago I declared this my favorite referrer of the year:

fuck famous author rob byrnes

But within the past few hours, these referrers have brought people to TRL:

I'm gonna get famous author rob byrnes
"I killed a man with my bare hands"


Ah well. When one is Famous, one does attract psychotic stalkers. It comes with the territory.

What's the matter, psycho-stalker? Did something go wrong with your salad-tossing party?

LOOKS LIKE WE SCREWED UP HUMAN PRODUCTIVITY AGAIN
It's time to turn off those computers and get back to the tube and the bar, kids.

"Internet Use Said to Cut Into TV Viewing and Socializing"
(RegReq)

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

WOULD YOU LOVE ME MORE IF I TOLD YOU ABOUT MY MYSTERIOUS, FATAL ILLNESS?
You know what I wanted? All I wanted? Ever?

I wanted to win a Best of Blogs Award for the Most Inspirational Blog. I wanted people to come to The Rob Log and weep copious tears as I chronicle my slowly-fading health. And yet you would never feel sorry for me. No, you would take strength from the way I soldier on, finding the essence of life in every butterfly that comes to rest on my shoulder, and every wet kiss delivered by Rex, my golden retriever, as he lovingly nuzzles me on a cold November morning. And mostly, your heart would fill as I confessed that the only thing that was getting me through my daily regimen of dialysis, skin grafts, chemotherapy, and stomach-pumping was my deep and abiding faith in God.

I would have posted about disaster relief and the good work of Amish missionaries in the Sudan. I would have told you stories about how a single priest with a vision saved 5,769 potential victims of genocide hiding in a church in Malawi, holding off their attackers with nothing but a Bible and faith. I would have spread the word about the small miracles, like icicles that take on the shape of Mother Theresa and seven-year-old autistic children who heal through their touch.

I would have even shared the touching lessons of Mboto with you once again. Oh... okay, it isn't fair to deny you that. Here it is:



In short, I would have earned your respect, and I would have earned a nod as Most Inspirational Blog.

But someone totally fucked up, and I didn't get my nomination, so fuck you all, fuckers! Go find your inspiration somewhere else!

Just as well. I make for a fucking lousy altruist and I hate suffering in dignified silence.

RAZZLE DAZZLE



It's old news by now -- a few hours on the Internet is like a month when I was a kid -- but let's bid a fond farewell to the original Billy Flynn.

RIP, Jerry.

REGRESSION THERAPY
I am 46 years old. So what were my friends and I playing at the bar last night?

That's right. We were playing with my friend Greg's most cherished Christmas present:

Greg left his toy at the bar, so if you're traveling to Posh in the near future (and I know that some of you are) feel free to play a few rounds. But you'd better hurry, before some drunk breaks it. Not that I'm naming names...

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

THE SEASON OF GIVING
I have a feeling that Steven Murray of Feasterville, Pennsylvania won't be getting Christmas presents next year, either.

Monday, December 27, 2004

REFERRER OF THE YEAR
With just four days to go in 2004, I was thrilled to see that some random fan was Googling for me the other day. On Christmas Day, no less. It's nice to be wanted.

Now where did I put that restraining order?

Friday, December 24, 2004

NOW THIS IS JUST PATHETIC
Someone landed here when they searched Google for 'blog entry ideas.'

Ummm... if you're having a hard time thinking of an entry, it's okay to take a day off. Seriously.

A DEMOCRATIC MANDATE IN THE STATE OF WASHINGTON
In Washington State, Democrat Christine Gregoire has just been declared the winner of last month's gubernatorial election by 130 votes! With her new mandate, Gregoire has an opportunity to turn her state around and seriously kick some ass.

For example:

* She has a mandate to aggressively pursue her moral agenda without consideration of any other opinion;

* She has a mandate to pack the courts with judges. Hopefully, she'll choose those 'activist judges' that seem to be all the rage these days.

* She has a mandate to bitch-slap the neighbors. Those wimps in Oregon, for instance. Or maybe even Vancouver. Damn Canadians.

I urge -- no, I implore -- Governor-elect Gregoire to take action to impose her mandate immediately upon taking office. If not sooner.

Those 130 voters deserve nothing less.

Thursday, December 23, 2004

STOP THE PRESSES... LLOYD GROVE CALLS PARIS HILTON RACIST... NASTY... SLUTTY... DUMB... BAD TIPPER... BARS HER FROM COLUMN...

...can now focus his energies exclusively on Britney Spears... developing...

WINTER CLEANING'S A-COMING
My apartment? Hell no! Why ruin a good thing?

I'm talking about my links. There are too damn many of them... so many that I can't get around to reading a lot of sites that I allegedly 'recommend.'

So next week I'm doing some pruning. Here are my criteria to determine the soon-to-be-banished:

1. If you haven't updated in over a month, yer outta here. Life's too short to waste mouse clicks.

2. If I don't read you regularly anymore, and you don't link to me, yer outta here. Yes, I found you incredibly entertaining at one time, and still do on occasion, but our relationship, one-sided as it was, was probably doomed from the beginning. Just walk away and remember the good times. I'll always think of you...

3. If I read you, you're safe, whether or not you link to me; although, really, what's wrong with me? I mean, did I say or do something inappropriate? If you'd just tell me why you don't link to me, I could get on with my life!

4. If you're an illiterate weenie who embarrasses him- or herself on your blog with inappropriate confessions, stupid opinions, warmed-over Limbaughisms, and/or inane observations you think are insightful, please e-mail me at once! I will not be linking to you, but I will add you to the seven or eight other train wrecks I read on a daily basis, and I promise I'll make fun of you via e-mail.

If you discover next week that I've de-linked you, please don't take it personally. I love all of my links; I'm just tidying up a bit. Mwah!

HOLIDAY SERENITY NOW!
Because when you insist on celebrating your faith on the public dime, you can open the door to unforeseen consequences...



Related: "'A Festivus for the rest of us' starts catching on"

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

BAD SANTA

Via Hit or Miss comes this gallery of traumatized children visiting Jolly St. Nick.

Or is he jolly?

I think there are very funny. Then again, I really don't like children very much, so maybe that's just me.

I THINK I'M IN LOVE WITH AVA RICE

Cheney throwing a hand grenade! Bush heroically leading our troops to victory!
You've got to be fucking kidding me; I've seen more combat than those pussies just by playing Halo 2.
A+.

Go to Ava Rice's Law Sloth now. Thank me -- and my source (and increasingly one of my favorite blogs), Not That -- later.

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM MY FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD
The scene: my neighborhood post office at East 79th Street and York Avenue.

The players: overburdened woman in a leg brace carrying packages; woman on cell phone.

Was I there?: Hell no. I have to work for a living. Fortunately, the drama was posted to craigslist for your holiday enjoyment.

Monday, December 20, 2004

BEST OF THE BLOG 2004, PART 1 (January-March)
Since we're nearing the end of the year, I've been sifting through the last twelve months worth of mostly-inane blog entries, looking for the few times I posted when I was sober enough to make sense. Whether short and pissy or long and thoughtful insightful pissy, here are a few of the entries that I can honestly say I am not a full 100% ashamed of having written.

JANUARY
A Brief Biography of Famous Author Rob Byrnes

I hope you've come to know me and enjoy The Rob Log just a tiny bit better through this indulgent, confessional entry.

Reason #372 to Burn the Baby Pictures
"Guess we can tell who sucked down most of Mrs. Kutcher's placenta."

6 Train Loving
Scary-looking Puerto Rican guy with the bulging eyes: I'll make you a mental deal. You stop staring at me like you're Manson and I'm some random Tate or LaBianca, and I'll offer you either New Yorker Woman or Very Gay-Looking Jewish Guy as a sacrifice the minute we arrive at 77th Street. 'kay?

We Have Oscar Nominations to Be Judgmental About!
I confidently predict that it's the Year of Asia in American Cinema.

At Words Poetic I'm So Pathetic
I’m a blogger who
Blogs through Blogger, who
Can’t stop...



FEBRUARY
GASP!
What can I say? It was a lame month, folks.


MARCH
Huh?
This whiskey-soaked bozo is kidding, right?

No No No No No No No No No!
First, let's define 'grizzly'...

Dear Iowa: Please Stop Calling Me
I would not have only kicked Kerry's ass, but would have made Dean actually cry.

Jay Leno: The Thief of Blogs
Sigh. I am so disappointed in Jay Leno...

Fun With Liza and Mike
Which is my long way of setting up the situation I found myself in last night, when I unexpectedly ended up hanging out with Multimillionaire Actress-Singer Liza Minnelli and Billionaire Mayor Michael Bloomberg.

If You Wait Long Enough, the Explanation Usually Becomes Apparent
...The Advocate, supposedly THE national gay and lesbian magazine, is generally lame. I mean, it's like People for the same-sex crowd.

All Blog Entry Ideas Have Now Apparently Been Used Up
I bought a new plastic colander a few month ago...
[This is the entry that started the brief but hilarious 'I Can Be as Boring as Jason Kottke' meme. My great moment of fame...]

Gang Warfare in the Red States
In New York, the kids will shoot you. In LA, they'll knife you. But in Indiana, apparently they'll kill you with attitude...

Coming soon: a look back at the highlights of April through June. And remember: I read the archives so you don't have to.

You're welcome.

DAWN GOOD, STEPHEN BAD
Before we get started on this story, let me state for the record that I am 100% opposed to child molestation. Nothing you are about to read here in any way is meant to condone criminal behavior.

Okay, now that the disclaimer is out of the way, let's look at the case of Stephen Hill, a former investigative reporter in Cincinnati who really should have known better. Hill found a few teenage boys who -- being teenage boys -- were very willing to have oral and anal sex with 20-year-old Dawn, even though Dawn was apparently very shy and required the boys to be blindfolded before repeatedly doing the deeds.

Problem was that 20-year-old female Dawn was really 45-year-old male Stephen. After the young molestees began to realize that the hairy butt they had been penetrating for three years was not, in fact, Dawn's, they set up a sting.

As you can imagine, this wasn't the most difficult case to, um, crack. So armed with a, um, buttload of evidence, our Hardy Boys first try a shakedown, then go to the police. [link via Fark, by the way]

I think the lessons from this story are very clear:

1. If you are an adult molesting teenagers, please make sure it is an opposite-sex relationship. Otherwise, if discovered you run the risk of being accused of taking the teens' manhood away, and who wants that on their resume? It is also a good idea to have money set aside for the inevitable moment you are caught... not necessarily to use as hush money, but in case a hasty trip out of the country must be arranged. Oh -- one more thing: once the boys have your number, it's highly advisable to destroy all physical evidence in your possession. Like, say, videotapes. Dumbass.

2. If you are a teenage boy being molested by what you think is an adult woman, be advised that whisker-burn is not a normal after-effect of oral sex. Also, if "it feels like it was a guy," it was almost certainly a guy. At that point, further sexual exploration -- especially while blindfolded -- is probably pointless.

This message has been presented as an Official Public Service of TRL. Happy Holidays! Now go and sit on Santa's lap...

FASHION TIPS FOR MOUTH-BREATHERS
I think I should probably consider this discussion offensive, but it's just so ridiculous that not only can't I get worked up about it, I actually think it's funny. Oh, and the link is via the Tin Man, who is apparently the Carson Kressley of gay bloggers.

By the way, I am always tucked. Just thought you'd like to know...

Friday, December 17, 2004

THERE BE DRAGONS HERE
Or Jesusland's Top Scientist Speaks Out
Oh, make it stop! Remember this Joseph Farah, who was mocked commentaried-upon a while back? Well, thanks to Fark I've found his thoughts on evolution and creationism. The moneyest of the money quotes:

  • "The primary reason I believe [in Creationism], of course, is because the Bible tells me so. That's good enough for me, because I haven't found the Bible to be wrong about anything else."
  • "I am 100 percent certain man and dinosaurs walked the earth at the same time. In fact, I'm not at all sure dinosaurs are even extinct!"
  • "Think of all the world's legends about dragons. Look at those images. What were those folks seeing?... I believe they saw dragons – what we now call dinosaurs. "
  • "And what about the not-so-unusual sightings of contemporary sea monsters? Some of them have actually been captured. There are also countless contemporary sightings of what appear to be pterodactyls in Asia and Africa."


Next week: America reverts to the flat-earth map. Stay tuned.

DISTURBING IMAGE OF THE WEEK

Don't ask, don't tell. Please!

(Via Obliquity)

Related: Santorum Was Right

THE 5% SOLUTION
News Flash: Trust Fund Boys has been nominated as Best Romance Novel in the Lamdba Literary Awards, also known as the National Book Awards for gay and lesbian writing, except without the pretige. Or quality.

There are twenty nominated books in the category, meaning that in a fair world (i.e., one designed by lottery officials) my book would have a 5% chance of winning the award, thereby catapulting me to riches and, perhaps, even greater fame. But it's probably not gonna happen. It's a tough category, and includes several of my favorite fellow writers from the Kensington stable, like Timothy James Beck and Dave Benbow, as well as frequent TRL guest commenter Timothy J. Lambert and Becky Cochrane, co-authors of The Deal.

There's also a lot of crap that's been nominated, as well as some anthologies which I really don't think should be in the Romance category, since there is already a Fiction Anthology category. But I don't get to make the rules.

Anyway, the point of this post is... well, first, remember that I've never asked you for anything. Never. Umm... almost never. However, riches and even greater fame would be sort of cool, so I am now respectfully asking you to make sure I win this award! Really, people, am I asking for a lot? All you have to do is find the judges, bribe or blackmail them -- or, if absolutely necessary, threaten them with physical violence -- then GET ME MY AWARD!!

Oh... and thanks! As always, I humbly appreciate your love, adoration, and support.

DAMMIT IF IT DIDN'T HAPPEN AGAIN
MSN Search Preview

Related: In Fort Lee, No One Can Hear You Scream

AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION
At this very moment, I am discussing a very serious matter with a number of friends via e-mail. My ultimate decision has the potential to have a major impact on my life... but whether that impact will be positive or negative remains to be seen. And, decision-maker that I am, I tend to agree with the last opinion I've read until the next one comes in.

Anyway, here's your opportunity to way(my bad) weigh in with a simple 'do it' or 'don't do it' in the comments. If you'd like, feel free to explain why you feel the way you do. True, you don't have the slightest fucking clue what I'm talking about, but that's never stopped any of you before.

Oh -- and thanks for helping me make up my mind!

Thursday, December 16, 2004

TOTALLY UNNEEDED MENTAL IMAGE OF THE DAY

"Giuliani spanks Bernie"


Related: A Very Public Apology

THE TOP TEN OF 2004
Yeah, I know that the year has 15 more days, but it's too late to break these trends. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the top names and phrases that brought people to this blog in 2004:

1. "Carolyn Kepcher"
2. "Famous Author Rob Byrnes"
3. "Lindsay Lohan"
4. "Boobs" and/or "Thong" (mostly in conjunction with Lindsay; sometimes with Carolyn)
5. Our old favorite: "Salad-Tossing"
6. "Luigi Tadini" (whatever)
7. "New York"
8. "Halloween Costume"
9. "Nicole Garbarini" (more popular than Oprah!)
10. "Oprah" (less popular than Nicole!)

Some also-rans: "Timothy Treadwell"; "O'Reilly + Falafel"; "Bobbi Lamoon"; "Billy Hufsey"; "Lesbian"; "Frottage + Subway"; "Begal"; "Hot Toddy"; "Kathryn Jean Lopez"; and "Cumming."

It really was a great year, wasn't it?

DID I EVER TELL YOU YOU'RE MY HERO?

RIP, Marie Ellis.

(Via Fark)

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

DECEMBER 25 IS A LEGAL HOLIDAY IN JESUSLAND
For those of you who took umbrage at the JesusLand jokes following November's presidential election, I give you the Associated Press:

"Conservatives Take on Christmas Cause"

Meanwhile in Alabama (where else?), Circuit Judge Ashley McKathan gets a bit more ecumenical and gives a nod to the Old Testament.

Hopefully, nobody will now mistake Judge McKathan for a Jew or something. Maybe he should have a back-up plan -- some Jesus quotes embroidered on his underwear? -- just in case.

REALITY BLOGGING
I am an idiot. An irresponsible, self-destructive idiot. An irresponsible, self-destructive idiot who compounds his irresponsibility and self-destructiveness by avoiding potentially embarrassing and unpleasant situations until they blow up in his face.

I hope getting this out makes me feel better. In the meantime, I'm going to try to figure out someone else I can blame this on.

UPDATE: I spoke to the boyfriend a short time ago, and he reminded me that it is, after all, December, and therefore the December Curse has struck again. Of course.

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

FAMOUS PEOPLE CORRESPONDING WITH FAMOUS PEOPLE
Since I am a Famous Author, you probably won't be surprised to learn that I only get the highest quality of spam. For example:
-----Original Message-----
From: Tanya Tucker [mailto:tanyatuckerkb@X.XXX.XX]
Sent: Sunday, December 12, 2004 7:08 AM
To: rbyrnes@eastmidtown-nyc.com
Subject: New product! Cialis soft tabs.

Hi!

We have a new product that we offer to you, C_I_A_L_I_S soft tabs,

Cialis Soft Tabs is the new impotence treatment drug that everyone is talking
about....

And so on...

Now, before you get impressed because Tanya wants me to get me aroused, consider the following e-mail snippet. You know how you get e-mail from, oh, someone claiming former Liberian strongman-tyrant-general meanie Charles Taylor killed his father, but the father had stashed $15.8 million away, and now the son will split that money with you if only you help him smuggle it into a United States bank?

Yeah, you know the e-mail. But get a load of this: you, not being famous, have to deal with the victims. I, being Famous, get to deal directly with Charles Taylor!
THE FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF THE LIBERIA,
FCT ,MONROVIA,
NO 3456 TRIPOLI INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT WAY,
NO 3456 ZAWAI LIBERIA, WERT AFRICA.
DATE: 9TH OF DECEMBER, 2004

PLEASE HELP ME TO TRANFFER THIS MONEY TO YOUR ACCOUNT

ATTENTION:THIS THE FORMER PRESIDENT OF LIBERIA CHARLES TAYLOR. I AM HERE TO INTRODUCE MY SELF AS THE FOMER PRESIDENT OF LIBERIA, WHICH I WAS IN POWER FOR GOOD 12 YEARS BEFORE THE CRISIS STARTED YEARS BACKS, AND LASTED FOR MORE YEARS.

WITH RESPECT TO YOU CONCERNING MY CONDITION NOW, AFTER THE CRISIS THE GOVERMENT OF LIBERIA MADE MEETING IN FCT OF LIBERIA WITH THE SENATORS, WHICH I WAS NOT AMONG THEM
WHEN THE MEETING HELD ON 27TH OF NOVEMBER 1999. AND AFTER THE MEETING I WAS DECLARED WANTED PERSON IN MY COUNTRY WHICH THE PRESIDENT OF NIGERIA OLUSEGUN OBASANJO, CAME DOWN TO MY COUNTRY WITH HIS PRIVATE JET WITH ALL HIS CABINETS, ON 23RD FEBRUARY 2000.

NOW TO BE SINCERE WITH YOU, I AM NOW LIVING WITH MR PRESIDENT WITH HIS FAMILY, I HAVE BEEN LIVING WITH MR PRESIDENT FOR FOUR YEARS NOW WHICH WHEN I LEFT MY COUNTRY I ONLY CAME DOWN WITH US$ 250,000 DOLLARS,I LEFT ALL MY PROPERTY, MY COMPANIES WHICH I INVESTED IN MY FIRST SON'S NAME, BOTH MY CARS, MY JET, MY ESTATE WHICH I BUILT WITH US$1.900,000.00DOLLARS,AND ALL MY BELONGING INCLUDING MY BANK WHICH I OPEN ON BEHALF OF MY FIRST SON...

And so on...

I'm sure you are very envious right now, as well you should be. But I have a very difficult question for you. And that is:

Is it diplomatic to tell a former Liberian president that it's considered rude to type all in caps?

Oh, I've got to go. Catherine Zeta-Jones just e-mailed me that I've been approved for a low-interest mortgage. Damn, but I love being Famous!

AS ONE DOOR CLOSES, ANOTHER OPENS
Huh. According to my referrers, just hours after I un-nominated myself for Secretary of Homeland Security, the lovely (I assume) Mia nominated TRL for Best of the Blogs' Snarkiest Blog Award.

I'm not really an Award Kind of Guy -- unless there's an award for unconstrained, inappropriate capitalization -- but, y'know, if you're so inclined, I'll insert that link again.

But really! Me? Snarky?

A VERY PUBLIC APOLOGY
Mr. President, ladies and gentlemen of the press, loyal blog readers, thank for joining me today.

I would like to take this opportunity to announce that I am withdrawing my name from consideration for the post of Secretary of Homeland Security. Mr. President, I sincerely appreciate your confidence in me, but it seems some questions have arisen that would only distract from the performance of my official duties... questions that would likely be sensationalized by the media. In my heart, I know that I did no wrong, and that my qualifications would be an asset to this Administration and our nation. However, at this critical moment in American history, I think our full attention should be focused on protecting our borders and ensuring our safety, rather than trivial matters related to my past.

Because these issues have be raised, though, let me quickly offer a few apologies.

First, I am sorry that my tax returns for the past few years only declared half my income and resulted in what I now know were large undeserved refunds. Clearly, I was negligent in not reading the returns more carefully before I signed them. I now also understand that I should have checked the math of the paid tax preparer from H&R Block who I entrusted with my financial matters. In addition, I should have made sure that the paid preparer -- whose name I regret to say I seem to have forgotten -- signed the return in accordance with the law.

I know that questions have been raised about how I -- a Gay American -- could have possibly claimed twelve dependents. All I can say is this: the paid tax preparer from H&R Block -- whose name, remember, I have forgotten -- must have misinterpreted my instructions. I apologize on his behalf, but can state in all honesty that I never told him that I had children named LaToya, Bela, Prince Michael, Jasmine, Nemo, Hot Toddy, Apple, Leonard Part 6, Blanket, Gigli, Mary-Kate, and Robby Jr. I assume this was the result of a clerical error.

I would also like to apologize to the President and the American public for forgetting to mention my former marriage to Teresa Heinz-Byrnes Kerry. Because Teresa has never formally used my surname, and because it happened long ago at a time I believed she was still legally married to John Heinz, since he wasn't dead yet, I didn't consider it valid, and it sort of slipped my mind. Still, I should have been sensitive to the potential political embarrassment this could have caused to the Administration, as well as to the Kerry and Heinz families. For my lack of consideration, I apologize.

The media has also been digging up dirt about my past and present relationships. Let me state clearly that this angers me. My personal life is my personal life, and the media has no right to hurt the people closest to me in order to embarrass me and the Administration. I wish to state unequivocally that these tabloid tactics have to place in responsible journalism.

That having been said, I will not be discussing any rumors or exaggerated stories involving Star Jones, Liza, Brad Pitt, Golan Cipel, Olivia Newton-John, Whitney Houston, Brad Pitt, Brooke Astor, Troy from The Apprentice, Brad Pitt, or Gary Coleman-Byrnes. However, let me take this opportunity to apologize to them, as well as to the Administration and the American public, for any indiscretions the irresponsible media is able to create and make seem believable with the benefit of photographic evidence.

Finally, I would like to apologize for inadvertently helping Saddam Hussein hide weapons of mass destruction. As the President and the American people know, I am a patriotic Gay American, and would never do anything to risk the security and safety of this nation. If I had been aware that I was filling my apartment building's storage area with weapons of mass destruction, I can assure you that I would not have told my super that I had merely been doing early Christmas shopping, while tipping him $20 to keep his mouth shut. I would have acted in a patriotic manner and instructed him to move the weapons of mass destruction to an appropriate place where they could be found and properly disposed of, like a subway car or the plaza in front of the United Nations. While I admit that I was short-sighted in this instance, I do not feel I deserve the criminal-like vilification with which I have been treated by the left-wing media.

Once again, it was an honor to have been nominated by you, Mr. President. No one could have foreseen the attack-dog methods employed by the press and political partisans to bring me down. Thank you for your support.

Friday, December 10, 2004

OH. MY. GOD.
I popped over to Alien Territory after seeing on link on Sullivan's site. I thought I'd read a few paragraphs, have a few chuckles -- albeit annoyed chuckles -- at the expense of some ignorant assholes, and be done with it.

But this transcript is... it's a train wreck. It's the car-crash/man-slipping-on-ice/roller-skate-on-the-staircase that you can't take your attention away from. It's even more riveting that a gloriously bad blog.

And the frightening thing is that these people -- whose words you are about to read -- are all making tons of money and have tens of thousands of people who actually listen to them.

Be afraid.

EVIL MEN IN SUITS
"So we made him do 4 shots of Jager and he woke up with chicken on his pillow."
--Overheard in New York
(a great site; via Ted)

Now that I'm fully awake, I would like to take this opportunity to tell the following people that, after last night, I am getting restraining orders against them: Michael, Young Matthew, Patrick, non-public-blogger Wayne, Jase (who plays innocent with his soft drinks and everything, but I'm no longer fooled), and, especially, Eli, aka Satan's bartender. I don't think I've forgotten anyone, but if I did, they are also hereby restrained.

Birthday shots are bad. And birthday shots that are 95% Tabasco are lethal.

That's all.

MY READERS GET OFF THE BEST LINES
Want to avoid that creepy guy trying to pick you up on the subway? Just tell him you work at the fictional bar at the center of my novel Trust Fund Boys!

It works like a charm every time.

(Yes, I know. But my Penthouse came first, so I win.)

Thursday, December 09, 2004

THE MEMORY IS STARTING TO COME BACK
One almost-lost-forever moment from the past weekend just popped back into my mind. I think it was Sunday night, and my boyfriend and I were hanging around with a bunch of bloggers at Posh (where else?) We were talking about other bloggers, and my boyfriend mentioned that he had met "Chris Safer."

Chris Safer? Yes, Chris Safer. For the life of me, I didn't know who he was referring to. Did Morley Safer's son grandson have a blog?

The mystery was finally solved when someone figured out he meant 'Chrisafer.'

"Right," he confirmed. "Chris Safer."

So Chris, I hope you realize that you're going to have to change the pronunciation of your blog name. Trust me: it's just easier this way.

IN RETROSPECT, MAYBE I WAS A BIT TOO INDIRECT
As many of you (but apparently not everyone) noticed, yesterday was my birthday. Thanks to those of you who left comments, mentioned something in their own blogs, called me, and... oh yeah, that was a cute e-card you sent. Gracias.

Now, I've never been accused of being hard to read. Whatever substance exists is right on the surface. But early yesterday afternoon, I sent out an e-mail to a handful of my closest friends that seems to have flown right over almost all of their heads. It read:
So I was thinking of going to Posh and doing some celebrating tonight, ‘cause... you know, and since I only have around $25 because my royalty check is apparently being delivered by a crippled tortoise since it’s taken almost a week to make it between East 25th Street and East 81st Street I thought it would be a great idea if other people went out to celebrate, too, especially because in the process they could buy me a few drinks and subsidize my celebration.

*breath*

Any suckers takers?

Yup. Right over their heads. Out of eight people on the distribution list, I think three of them caught what I was celebrating. The others apparently thought I was just looking for free drinks. Which, of course, I was, but still...

As a result, my big birthday night was essentially just an average night at Posh, except I was also suddenly afflicted by hiccups and therefore home at a reasonable hour, where I ran into my roommate who also didn't know it was my birthday.

Honestly, people, do I have to take out newspaper ads? Keep up with me, okay?

But thanks to Greg, Lynette, Kim, Craig, Marc, John, Wesley, Kate, Jimmy, Will, and maybe one or two others I've forgotten for the cocktails. They were appreciated.

The other happy birthday news items were the cute phone messsages from Bradykins, followed by flowers. And finally followed by news that he found work. Always a good thing.

Oh -- one other thing: December 8, 2004 was also the day someone discovered TRL by searching for what I think is my new favorite Google referral ever:

cloris leachman plays golda meier

It doesn't get any better than this...

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO CRASH
My fellow blogger and sorta-kinda namesake Byrne, of Crash & Byrne fame, is celebrating his 36th birthday today. Go over to his blog and bother him. You know; make a lot of 'old' jokes involving walkers, Viagra, nursing homes, bedpans, Viagra, Florida retirement communities, the fact that some bloggers are young enough to be his children, Viagra, adult diapers, reduced-fare mass transit rides, Viagra, and so on.

It's also Billy Hufsey's 46th birthday. If you remember who he is, you're probably even older than Crash, so you probably shouldn't go around making 'old' jokes at his expense. I'm just sayin'.

And on that note, I'm just going to quickly refresh your memory and note that the comments are open, so please don't make me beg.

Monday, December 06, 2004

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
After a Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday spent overindulging with bloggers, I have come to a realization: I hate all bloggers. Including myself. Go fuck yourselves/myself.

Oh, and call me later!

Friday, December 03, 2004

SURVIVOR: NEW YORK CITY

So last night yesterday afternoon semi-famous Cleveland blogger Patrick Doyle and I decided to have a drink or two six before meeting up with a few other bloggers (specifically him and him and him and Wayne, who has a blog but I've never seen it, because it's secret) and civilians and bartenders (which, come to think of it, included another blogger: him.)

Anyway, disaster ensued. Not loving me my Rumplemintz this morning.

Better yet, we get to do it all over again tonight, with new special guest stars Karen the Tuna Girl, BoBo the Executive, and Hot Toddy the Toaster Oven (unless he dies in a horrible fiery plane crash, that is. Watch CNN tonight for any applicable confirmation.)

And then we get to do it again on Saturday night, at this:


And then Sunday afternoon he wants to go sing showtunes.

And then...

Oh, lord, it's all becoming too horrible to contemplate.

Pray for us.

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

IT'S THE MOST MISERABLE TIME OF THE YEAR
Oh dear. I just realized that it's December again. Bad things tend to happen to me in December. I don't know why this is... it just is.

Then again, the way things have gone over the past year, I may have burned off enough bad karma to keep this December relatively drama-free. That would be nice.

If you want to help me hedge my bets this December, though, remember that I have a birthday in seven days. More important information can be found here.

THE END OF LIFE AS WE KNOW IT
Those of us who blog are a rather strange group. We consider people we've never met to be among our closest friends, we confess our innermost secrets to an unknown international readership, and... we drunk-dial each other.

Virgin Mobile is now out to end one of our happiest traditions. And all because some people lack self-control. Sad, really.

Fortunately, I only need to be saved from myself when I'm not drunk.