BUT I DON'T HAVE AN ACCENT
Actually, this on-line quiz is remarkably accurate... especially since it's, well, an on-line quiz!

What American accent do you have? Your Result: The Inland North You may think you speak "Standard English straight out of the dictionary" but when you step away from the Great Lakes you get asked annoying questions like "Are you from Wisconsin?" or "Are you from Chicago?" Chances are you call carbonated drinks "pop."
The Northeast
The Midland
Philadelphia
The South
North Central
The West
Boston
What American accent do you have? Take More Quizzes

And it is 'pop'. So there.


(Via Gay Orbit)

LIFE IMITATES 'CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM'
What, no David Schwimmer?

READING IS HOT! AND HELPS YOU HEAL!
Taking the 'Reading Is Hot!' campaign to its logical next step, we see here that David has discovered that Great Literature also speeds the healing process:

Good man, David. Good man.

MY LIFE ON THE C-LIST
Who knew? I would have bet money I was on the E-minus List.



(via Daniel)

BELATEDLY GIVING THANKS
It is Sunday, and I am home. What a bitch of a trip. But let's not dwell on the getting-to-Rochester details, ugly as they were. Let's look at the positive.

Now, more than on Thursday, is the perfect time to give thanks. This year, I am thankful for:

* Another year in which New York City had relative peace.

* The good fortune of having been born in the United States of America, which -- for all its faults -- is my love and my home, and has the added benefit of a governmental structure that allows us to throw the bums out on Election Day when we get out of our smug lethargy... which we largely did this year.

* A great job, which I sometimes forget to be thankful for among the petty quotidian headaches. Reminder to self: many people have jobs that kill their souls; be thankful you have one that only sporadically annoys you, while offering you innumerable opportunities to improve the city you love.

* A family that makes me crazy sometimes, but is still there for me, even though I'm the most neglectful son/brother/uncle ever. Spending time with all them, in various permutations and combinations over the weekend, was a delight.

* Good friends. The old -- Mike (fka Mboto) & Beautiful Bob, Mark & Matthew, Brian (& Wayne), Chris & Mark, Lynette & Kim; the new -- my Stooges and the Stooge Boyfriends; and the bloggers, who know who they are.

* The good fortune to have a third book published, and the editor and agent who have been willing to patiently nurture my talent... or, well, whatever it is I have. And I'm also thankful that, in the past two years, I started to be accepted as a writer by my peers in the writing community, after years in which I felt like an outsider. Or maybe I've just gotten less shy. In any event, thanks to Becky Cochrane; Timothy J. Lambert; Greg Herren; Michael Connor at InsightOut; Randy Ham at Hastings Books; Mary Kay, Heidi, and Deacon at Lambda Rising; Kim, Cecilia, and Jeffrey at Oscar Wilde Bookstore; Andy Zeffer; Stewart Lewis; all the booksellers at Borders, B&N, etc.; and everyone else... especially the people I've forgotten.

* People like Byrne, Wayne, Jeff, Greg, Patrick, and Doug, who stepped up to the plate and helped me get When the Stars Came Out into shape before I submitted my final manuscript in early March. I can only imagine what they thought when I gave them that train-wreck three weeks before it had to be finished, but they accepted my assurances that it would come together and it did... thanks in no small part to of their feedback. I love you guys!

* Penultimately, thanks to JetBlue for finally getting me to Rochester on Friday (two days after I tried to leave via US Airways), and even more thanks to JetBlue for getting me out of there this morning.

* The final thing I'm thankful for? I still not only have Bradykins in my life, but -- since May -- he's been living with me in New York. Six months down, six hundred or so to go. And no one has ever been more thankful.


So happy belated Thanksgiving, bitches! Now STFU and GBTW!

HOW WAS YOUR WEEKEND, ROB?
Thank you for asking. I think this just about sums it up.

READING WAS HOT
Last night's reading at New York's LGBT Center was a lot of fun. Good crowd, hot men, wine... what was not to love? Special thanks to the Blogger Kids who turned out for the event: Patrick, Crash, and David (who I finally had the chance to meet in person after all this time. And speaking of David, I caught him last weekend in A Little Night Music. If you get the opportunity, do yourself a favor and see the show!)

I was admittedly at a bit of a disadvantage. Andy Zeller acts, Stewart Lewis acts and sings, Casper Andreas acts and makes films, and Jamie Morris acts, and Rob Byrnes, well... he sits behind his computer most of the day. Also, the other authors/performers are uniformly young and cute, while I am reluctantly middle-aged and rapidly falling apart. But I don't think I bored anyone, and -- since that was my goal -- I'd have to call the evening a success.

Let me add that doing a group event like this was a lot of fun, and I would do it again in a heartbeat. So if any other authors are out there and want to organize something, you know where to find me.

WHERE YOU'LL BE TONIGHT
It's time, kids. No more marking-your-calendars; now it's all about the showing up.

Wednesday, November 15 6:00 PM
Gay Hollywood in New York

at
The LGBT Community Center
208 West 13th Street, New York

Hooray for Hollywood! Join us for an evening of cocktails, readings, discussion, and book signings as a handful of New York-based artists share how Hollywood and the film industry has both influenced and inspired them.

The evening will kick-off at 6 P.M. with cocktails and mingling. Then at 7 p.m. authors Andy Zeffer (Going Down in La-La Land), Stewart Lewis (Rockstarlet) and Rob Byrnes (When the Stars Come Out) will read fun snippets from their novels. Filmmaker Casper Andreas (Slutty Summer) will show scenes from his recently wrapped film A Four Letter Word, and actor/playwright Jamie Morris (Mommie Queerest, The Facts of Life: The Lost Episode) will display some stage magic. The evening promises to be lively, amusing, and entertaining.

Admission to the event is $15, and includes an open bar. [Emphasis mine, of course.]

Be there, bitches.



ALSO: I'll be in Washington DC for the upcoming weekend (that would be Thursday, November 16 through Sunday, November 19.) Look for me at the National Gay & Lesbian Chamber of Commerce Annual Dinner, the Sexual Minority Youth Assistance League Annual Brunch, my drive-by at Lambda Rising Bookstore, or during random moments when I'm running drunk and naked down 17th Street NW.

BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE: I will also be in Rochester (the real one, in Upstate New York) from Wednesday, November 22 through Sunday, November 26. Although no formal events or parades are planned, you might catch me running drunk and naked down Monroe Avenue. If you'll be visiting the area feel free to drop me an e-mail.

OH, AND ALSO: I'll be in Colorado and Las Vegas between Tuesday, December 19 and Sunday, December 31. Possible drunk-and-naked running down Route 25. Just thought you'd like to know...

SO, SO WRONG
... and yet the perfect way to end the week. Enjoy!

MARK TWAIN HAD SOMETHING TO SAY ABOUT THIS...
Heh. From the Gay City News web site:

Obituaries
A Life Lived Long and Well

Poor Bertram Schaffner. That's sad.

But not as sad as the fact that the article says only that Schaffner is turning 94 years old. While that is quite old, it's still not quite dead.

Gay City News regrets the error, and promises to try to rein in the ageism in the future.

FDCRB?
Nah, I guess not. "Famous Deputy Commissioner Rob Byrnes" just doesn't have the same ring to it. I'd better stay where I am.

If you, on the other hand, want to work for incoming New York State Governor Eliot Spitzer, good luck to you. You are going to have a blast in Albany. No... really.



(Hmmm... they also ask if you're willing to relocate, and give you relocation options, including Hawaii and Puerto Rico. New York State has offices in Hawaii and Puerto Rico? Who knew? Okay, I realize that it's certainly some random menu they inserted into the template, but -- on the off-chance I could somehow end up as Deputy Commissioner for the New York State Lottery working out of the Honolulu office -- I think I should do this. Because if someone else got that job, I would be pissed.)

SAY GOODNIGHT, MACACA
Maybe I'm slow, but it only now occurs to me that the last two Senate Republicans to go down in defeat were Conrad Burns and George Allen.

Burns & Allen. (Get it? Get it? Please don't make me feel my age...)

Very wise readers of this blog will know that I have other, more personal reasons to find that amusing. But only the very wise ones...

AW... NO...
This referrer makes Baby Jesus cry.

At least, if you're a good gay boy and this springs to mind first when you see the word 'merman':Gotta go bleach the eyes now.

IT'S NOT OVER, KIDS
Gay, moderate, and liberal web sites and blogs are positively giddy this morning, and I share much of that sense of excitement. For many of us -- most of my readership, I'm sure -- Election Day 2006 was a very good day.

But the sheer euphoria is a little over the top. Sorry... I hate to be the wet blanket, but yesterday did not result in a radical remaking of Congress. January 1, 2007 will change things for the better, but will you see radical change? Uh... no.

Let's look at some facts.

1. First, never underestimate the ability of Democratic Party to put its internecine warfare front and center. You know that Democrats subscribe to the 'circular firing squad' philosophy when it comes to settling our differences.

2. While in most cases -- maybe every case -- the new Democrats are an improvement on the Republicans they replaced, don't think they are different as night and day. Democrats Bob Casey and Heath Shuler are not going to be more liberal than, say, Republican Lincoln Chafee.

3. In the same vein, the moderate and conservative Democrats may take a lesson from Joe Lieberman's victory and feel emboldened to pursue their independence at the sake of party discipline. That's not exactly a bad thing, in my opinion, but it could make that 235 seat majority in the House a lot less comfortable than it looks.

4. And in the Senate, where a one-vote margin is the best the Democrats can hope for, you might as well settle back and wait for the gridlock... especially since Lieberman himself now knows he has nothing to fear in incurring the wrath of Reid or Dodd or the Daily Kos, and can ride out the next six years doing whatever the hell he wants.

5. Republican corruption is bad. Democratic corruption is just as bad. And don't think that random shady Democrats won't find a way to make themselves the New Neys over the next few years.


Okay, that was the bad news. Here is the good news:

1. A lot of good men and women will be going to Washington.

2. A lot of Republican assholes will be leaving Washington.

3. Celebration -- if not euphoria -- is in order. This was a significant election and, although it won't solve everything and make all perfect in the world, it is more a giant stride forward than a baby step.


So enjoy. And continue the good work in 2008.



UPDATE: And if you need a boost to your enthusiasm for 2008, allow me to present (via Fark) a list of incumbent Senators up for re-election in two years. There is every reason to feel optimistic.

ACTUALLY, THE WORD IS 'FARBED'
Way to go, Reichen. Make it all about your circle.

You know, I was sympathetic to Lance Bass -- in the 'I don't care how and when you got there, and good for you' sense -- but my feelings may be subject to change... especially if Lance and Reichen are going to start to think they invented homosexuality.

Because everyone knows that The Gay American invented it. Dumbasses.

MWAH!
Your Election Day treat: Not-So-Young Democrats in love:



Don't blame me, blame the New York Post.

YOUR TUESDAY ASSIGNMENT

Vote.

TOWLEROAD COMMENTS MAKE MY HEAD HURT
Thought of the day week month: 96% of the people who comment at Towleroad need to put away the keyboard and get a hobby.

Discuss.

EQUATIONALLY YOURS
(Drunk) + (clumsy) + (full glass of wine) + (bowling alley under renovation) + {(seeing a wall to lean on out of peripheral vision) - (wall is actually a sheet of polyethylene)} =



(Because if I can't laugh at myself, I have no right to laugh at Dan Sutton.)

UNANSWERED PRAYERS
Sad. Touching. Poignant.

ATLANTIC CITY, N.J. -- Some of the letters are comical (a man asking God to let him win the lottery, twice), others are heartbreaking (a distraught teen asking forgiveness for an abortion, an unwed mother pleading with God to make the baby's father marry her)... The letters -- about 300 in all, sent to a New Jersey minister -- ended up dumped in the ocean, most of them unopened...

"There are hundreds of lives here, a lot of struggle, washed up on the beach," said Bill Lacovara, a Ventnor insurance adjuster who was fishing last month with his son when he spotted a flowered plastic shopping bag and waded out to retrieve it.

Oh wait. Never mind.

Lacovara said he is sad that most of the writers never had their letters read. But he hopes to change that soon: He is putting the collection up for sale on eBay.

I don't know about you, but I'm bidding on the abortion letter. It's the American Way.

WHY JOHN KERRY MUST GO
No, not because he blew the 2004 presidential election.

No, not because he has the singular ability to turn a mangled joke into a major national controversy threatening his party's chances to capture both houses of Congress.

No, not because of that hair.

John Kerry must be thrown out of the United States Senate and possibly deported because he hires people who say things like this:

"The methodology behind this scorecard is cuckoo for cocoa puffs," Kerry spokesman David Wade said.

I know what that means as an advertising tagline, but it really doesn't work as a synonym for 'ridiculous', 'crazy', or, well, plain old 'cuckoo'.

So, David Wade, please stop saying that. Unless you mean that the methodology behind the scorecard is craving something crunchy, chewy, and chocolately, in which case you can say it, but that would be one fucked up methodology.

And in any event, everyone knows that the methodology behind the scorecard is magically delicious. Dumbass.

YEAH, BUT MEASURED FROM WHERE TO WHERE?
From Gay City News:

In writer/director Ramón Salazar's eye-popping comedy-musical-romance, the title "20 Centimeters," refers to the length of Marieta's penis. Marieta (Mónica Cervera), born Aldolfo, is a narcoleptic, pre-op transsexual prostitute who is saving her money to get her 8.78+ inches turned into a vagina, but various friends and lovers complicate her life, delaying her from realizing her dream.

Maybe it's just me, but I think 8.78 inches is specific enough without adding the "plus". You're really not going to notice the extra 0.002 inches of manhood, are you?

You don't see me walking around discussing my 3.699999, do you? No, you don't. Because I don't make things that difficult. I simplify things by rounding up.

To 7.

WARNING: GRATUITOUS MEANNESS AHEAD
In South Dakota, they have their very own page scandal.

And wouldn't you know it: it's always the prettiest politicians who get themselves in this kind of trouble.

(I know... I know... that was just unnecessary. And yet it felt so good.)