RETURN OF CUMMING

Yes, I know I'm supposed to be hating on my arch-rival Cloris right now, but I just read this and... *shakes head*

I have to go lie down for a while.

GET FOOLISH

I'm sure you've already pre-ordered -- maybe you're even already reading it! -- but, if not, your February reading assignment is Fool for Love, featuring new gay fiction from a kickass group of writers.

And me, too.

Edited by the the awesome Timothy J. Lambert and R. D. Cochrane (we call her "Becks" around these parts), this volume includes the stories:

Thai Angel, by David Puterbaugh
Love Taps, by Mark G. ("MarGEEEE!) Harris
Matchmaker, by Shawn Anniston
A View, by Brandon M. Long
Gratitude, by Felice Picano
Happy Hour at Cafe Jones, by Famous Author Rob Byrnes
Trunk, by Trebor Healey
De Anima, by Joel Derfner
Like No One's Watching, by Josh Helmin
At the End of the Leash, by Jeffrey Ricker
Two Tales, by Paul Lisicky
Heart, by 'Nathan Burgoine
Party Planning, by Rob Williams
Two Kinds of Rapture, by Andrew Holleran
Everyone Says I'll Forget in Time, by Greg Herren
Angels, What You Must Hear on High, by John H. Roush


Look at that lineup! How can you resist?

Fool for Love is published by Cleis Press. Buy your copy now; thank me later.

RETURN OF SPEWIE

Man! I tell you, if they don't institute IQ tests or breathalyzers or something soon as a requirement to access the World Wide Webamajiggies, we're doomed!

Or... not so much.

Oh yeah, I should tell you what I'm talking 'bout. Remember a few months ago when Crazy-Ass Spewie was spewing? (Here and here are your reminders.) Well, he has reared his head again.

I feel sort of sorry for him -- because I am starting to realize that this craziness can only be explained if he was someone I "dated" once or twice, then realized he was crazy not suitable -- so I responded to his latest nutty nutiness blog post with a well reasoned, thoughtful e-mail (he guards his comments. *shrug* Go figure.) And I wrote:

Okay, "NG" -- or, as I will always fondly remember you, "Spewie" -- I have to admit that I can't figure out how to leave a comment on your website. Sorry about that. If there is a way to do it, please let me know, because I don't want you to feel blindsided. If I could leave a simple comment, I would; since I can't well... gotta blog! Feel free to respond, but use my entire comment. And remember to add that *I* have the courage to use my name. Last time I looked, "NG" was not a name, big, tough, TOUGH guy. *insert Sarah Palin wink here*

In the meantime, please know that I am about to mock you. You are apparently 100% humor- and irony-challenged, and I'm actually sort of surprised that you have the ability to breathe without a bell to remind you it's time. Meaning... I think I might know you!

Did we date once or something? Is *that* why you're such a bitter, misguided crazy-man toward me? Because I will admit that I have had some bad relationships, and sometimes it's been my fault. If that is the case, and therefore the reason you are obsessively (sadly, misguidedly, creepily) following me , well... I think I was right. But I'm sure you were, um, "pretty" and have a "good personality." Oh, and you were also "good in bed." And I mean no insult by putting things in quotes. No, really... not at all.

Seriously, you might be nuts, meaning we probably *did* date! I pretty much think anyone with seven intact brain cells could get the joke on my blog, and although I'm a bit scared of your potential stalkiness (my own word; trademark pending) I should probably tell you that it would be best if you'd forget our past -- especially since *I* seem to have done that -- and move on. Again, you were "pretty," had a "good personalituy," and were "good in bed." Hey -- take this to Craigslist or Manhunt and RUN with it!

If all else fails, they have new pills all the time and you should ask your pediatrician. Again, if you want a recommendation...

--Famous Author Rob Byrnes

Update: not only can you not leave comments at my possibly-ex-trick NG's blog, but you have to give up too much information to even send an e-mail. The poor thing can read it here if he wants. I do hope he stops by, because he was almost certainly "pretty" with a "good personality" and "good in bed." Most ugly, live-in-the-basement sociopaths are!

I COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED, PART 2

It happened again. And this time I hope you'll be a bit more responsive.

Inside that red circle is my apartment building in Beautiful West New York, New Jersey. See? They are after me!

Oh, but don't worry. Joe My God is fine.

WINTER CLEANING

I just went through the blog roll and got rid of every dead blog for the first time in... a year? Longer? I also delinked a few of the popular kids who never showed me the reciprocal love. Screw you, unloving popular kids!

For now, I am holding on to a few links that might actually be dead, pending an official decision. Included among them is The Malcontent, where -- as you know -- I used to post every now and then. More 'then' than 'now,' to tell the truth, but -- as you also know -- I have a lazy streak sometimes. Even though I'm a bit to the left of the average Malcontent reader and contributor, I do hope it returns. When we were good, we could have some great and thought-provoking conversations. I guess we'll see what happens.

I do understand why I deleted so many blogs, though. I've been doing this almost six years, and times change. Blogging ain't what it used to be... or so it seems.

There are, however, a few new additions to the blog roll, including The Bilerico Project. Read these people.

Over the next few months I intend to shake this place up a bit... rediscover some of my blogging energy. But you can also find me on Facebook and -- as soon as I have a free weekend to work on the design -- the new site RobByrnes.Net. The launch of the new site will definitely precede the release of the new book. That's my only firm promise.

Trust me: we won't be strangers!

THE ETERNAL LIFE OF THE INTERNET

As you know, less than two weeks ago my writing idol and inspiration -- Donald E. Westlake -- passed away suddenly.

A few minutes ago I went to his website to see if there were any updates... suggestions for memorial donations, or something like that. There was nothing. Every page reads as if he's still with us.

On one of the pages, he wrote:

At long last, the promised sixth and final story in the Starship Hopeful saga has docked at our space pad. I'll leave it and the other five up for a while. There aren't enough of the stories to fill out a book, and I won't be doing any more, so this is where they'll be spending the afterlife. Enjoy.

I hope that, like those six stories, this is where Donald E. Westlake will be spending the afterlife, and that his family and/or publishers don't dismantle the site. I don't pretend to have Westlake's talent or output, but I find it comforting to know that all these words he has written will live on, and that just a bit of that eternal life will apply to my words, too, some day.

HOW BILLY HUFSEY SAVED MY BLOG

For the past year or so, as I've been in a blogging torpor, my site statistics have dropped to the near single digits. And mostly I haven't cared... otherwise I'd, you know, actually blog or something.

But this month -- despite a total of zero new posts between the first and eleventh -- the blog is on a roll. And that is due almost exclusively to our hero and my birthday twin, Billy Hufsey. By coming out of retirement and starring in the VH1 reality trainwreck series "Confessions of a Teen Idol," Billy has single-handedly saved this blog. For that, he deserved the thanks of all of us. Well, okay, just me... but still.

So you see? My annual birthday wishes to Billy paid off. Once again, my altruism has been rewarded, and my good nature and humility have benefitted this blog. And... did I mention my humility? I did? Good... just making sure.

Please follow my example and remember to send birthday wishes to obscure former celebrities. Because you never know when one of them will inexplicably show up on TV for the first time in 38 years and send traffic to your blog.

Oh, and also? Thanks, too, to the following search terms that brought people to the FARBlog:

i turned heterosexual
west new york nj model nudity
Naked Drunk Men
old famous authors

I'm always glad to be of assistance.

AW, NO!

Headline writers of America, when you practice your craft in the future, please think of insomniacs like me!



I won't sleep until Thursday...

DONALD E. WESTLAKE, RIP

Back in the early 1970s, I found a Donald E. Westlake novel -- "Bank Shot" -- on a paperback carousel at some random KOA site my grandparents took me to in their Winnebago. The plot (spoilers ahead, if you care) was about a hapless group of criminals who steal a bank temporarily relocated into a trailer by slowly lifting it up, putting it on wheels, and driving away with it... only to lose it in the final pages when it rolls down a Long Island hillside into the Atlantic Ocean.

That started an obsession with Donald E. Westlake that lasted through a teenager in the '70s avidly devouring his backlist to a middle-aged man in the '00s waiting for his next book. He never disappointed me. His novels -- especially those featuring John Dortmunder, the ill-fortuned ringleader of many of his books (including "Bank Shot") -- were something I always looked forward to. Donald E. Westlake could put more humor, suspense, and character development into a single paragraph than any living American writer.

When my first novel was published in 2002, it was no coincidence that the main character was named Andrew Westlake; in fact, I was planning to go to a Westlake book-signing he was doing in New York when I got the call telling me that I was going to be published... meaning I had to celebrate, and put off the idol-worship. And when my next novel is published in late March, it will be no coincidence that the protaganist is an ill-fortuned ringleader of a hapless group of criminals engaged in a ridiculous crime.

Donald E. Westlake died today.

I am personally devastated. No, I never met the man. If I had, I'd have probably been Stupid Inarticulate Fan Boy. But, yes, I wish I'd have had the opportunity through the years to tell him that, once upon a time at a KOA campground...

Godspeed, Donald E. Westlake. And thanks for the many fond memories I'll always have in the bookshelves.