THE COMING THEFT OF AMERICA
Okay, it is apparently not enough that B. HUSSEIN Obama is attempting to capture our nation for al-Qaeda. Now we learn from The New York Times that John McCain is a Closet Panamanian!

Pat Buchanan and the gang at PJs Media are right! Our country is under a two-pronged attack from the Godless Islamic Fundamentalists and the job-stealing (or, as they call it, "yob-stealing") brown people from South of the Border. We can't let Hussein Obama and Juan McCain steal our own country from us!

Something must be done. Thankfully, we have Ralph Nader. That's all this patriotic American has to say about the ugly, ugly mess in which this country finds itself.

NADER '08:
AMERICA FOR AMERICANS!

HEADLINE OF THE DAY

Report: 1 In Every 99 Americans Now Behind Bars
When the candidates talk about their vision for our country's future, I hope people ask them what they're going to do about this problem.

Because at a 98:1 ratio, it can take forever to get a drink.

SPAM O' THE DAY
I love this one:

Hello,

How are you today? I hope all is well with you and your family. My name is Veronica Lynn Taylor, I am resident in Monrovia the capital city of Liberia. I am the ex- number two wife to the former President of Liberia (Charles Taylor).I am a 36 years old woman with twochildren, I am a devoted Christian.

Please, I'm not making this contact to disturb you nor begging money from you. Cause i know you have your own responsibilities. All i care is your moral support for the safety of my life and that of my kids.

Due to my husband's misconduct and bad leadership in the past view years, The opposition rebels took over the country which led to the war in Liberia and ever since then, me and my kids has moved to a remote area for safety of our life.

[blah blah blah... snipped for your benefit]

Now that everything is a little bit calm and cool in Liberia, I decided to leave the country since we can't stay any longer due to what Charles Government cost the country and this is the reason why i urgently want to acquire property (A HOUSE & CAR) because I want to relocate my children out of the country for safety and also to start a new life.

My choice of property are duplex houses with about four or five bedrooms in a very peaceful and quiet city (maybe close to a beach)....

'Maybe close to a beach.' I'll be laughing about that all night.

Oh, but if any of you folks have beachfront property for Veronica Lynn, let me know, and I'll hook you up.

WILLIAM F. BUCKLEY, JR. DEAD AT 82
Breaking news.


I've pretty much taken a U-turn from my long-ago conservatism, but never stopped liking Buckley. And, ah, the days when political candidates could be funny (although knowing you're going to lose usually eases campaign tension.)

NYS SENATE TEETERS ON THE BRINK
I don't usually do politics here -- let alone politics of a regional nature -- but it looks like today's special election for a vacant New York State Senate seat is flipping the district from Republican to Democrat. Which means that a 40-plus-year Republican hold on the State Senate is down to one seat in the 62-member body. (Democratic Lieutenant Governor David Paterson would vote in the case of a 31-31 Senate tie.)

Now, that's a good sign for one big reason. First, a Democratic Senate could make life far easier for gay New Yorkers. This is no slam dunk, of course... some of those Senate Democrats are somewhat conservative, and all of them are damned pragmatic. Still, it is probable that gay rights bills -- which in recent years have stalled in the legislature, largely because of the Senate -- will start to advance, especially if some Republican allies feel emboldened (like they did in the State Assembly) to vote their conscience, instead of following the party line to ruin.

However, even if the Democrats pick up this North County seat, it's not over. There is always that 31st seat to capture, not to mention the 32nd... 33rd... For reasons I both loath and appreciate, government was not designed to move quickly. All the more reason for my (formerly fellow) New Yorkers to make sure that a bunch of very nice people whose heads are unfortunately trapped in the 1930s retire after this November's elections.

As someone who spent more than his fair share of time in Albany, I don't expect the right thing to happen overnight, and I have learned not to be discouraged in the face of legislative adversity, because there is always the next Session. But there's realistic, and there's negligent.

And negligent is not going out to vote in November to do what we can to put this to rest.

MAY MUST BE BOOK MONTH
I am looking at literary overload in just a few short months. I suppose there are worse ways to go insane.

First, I'll be delivering the manuscript for my fourth book (currently untitled, as you know) at the beginning of May... uh, by April 15, just like I promised my editor!

Then, on May 8, I'll be flying to New Orleans for Saints & Sinners. And unlike last year, this year I will really be there. Turn down a chance to party with Greg Herren (and hopefully Teej and Becks)? Not in your life!

I'll fly back to New York on May 12, just in time for Marc Acito 's appearance at the Upper West Side Barnes & Noble to promote his new book, Attack of the Theater People. (I've just added Marc's blog to the blogroll by the way. He's trying to do something new every day of the year. I did something new yesterday... well, if you counting 'started drinking at 4 PM instead of 6 PM' as new. Anyway, check out his blog, because there is a naked pictures, and I know how you perverts are.)

Oh, and the next day -- that would be May 13, for those of you on LiveJournal -- is the official publication date for our friend Joel Derfner's long-awaited new book, Swish: My Quest to Become the Gayest Person Ever. Which has a blurb by none other than Marc Acito, because publishing is incestuous, or at least that's what I'm going to write some day in my blurbs for Greg's, Becks's, and Teej's books.

And then... that's it!

Well... unless I decide to fly out to the West Coast a few weeks later for this year's Book Expo America and the Lambda Literary Awards. Since I'm not a nominee this year, it might be fun to be there without the nervous stomach and subsequent guilt because my books are so awesome that not even writers I admire have a chance after being nominated in my category. On the other hand, FARBlog West Hollywood correspondent Boi from Troy has made me question if I'm up to the hassle, since apparently all airports are a six hour drive from WeHo. But I'm still thinking about it.

So anyway... remember to buy and read books. And if you decide to take a naked run, the rule is that if there are no pictures, it didn't happen.

NO WONDER I CAN NEVER FIND A SEAT
Back in the old days, we'd go to coffee shops to, oh, I don't know... drink coffee? I guess another lifestyle trend has passed me by.

Coffee king Starbucks is closing its doors for three long, caffeine-deprived hours at more than 7,000 of its US locations...

Alba Morales, 22, a student at BMCC, noted, "A lot of people come here to make out, read, sleep. I can't imagine how lost people will be tomorrow."

You go to Starbucks to sleep? And make out? Seriously?

Then again, young Alba comes off as a genius compared to this one:

"What am I supposed to do, make it myself?" fumed NYU student Mallory Drew, 18, at the always-packed Lafayette Street and Astor Place location. "I am shocked. Shocked and appalled."

Yeah, honey, you make the fuckin' coffee yourself. Coffee grounds and water. If you look around, you can probably find a scientist to help you. Or if you put some brain power into it, maybe -- just maybe -- you could find another place that sells coffee. Try Google.

Of course, I think we know why Mallory is so distraught. It's not the coffee she wants. No, Alba has already tipped us off that coffee is just an excuse.

In time they'll learn that there are more appropriate venues for sleeping and making out.

Like bars.

STATING THE OBVIOUS
This is probably the most unnecessary headline ever:

Georgia Couple Vows to Enjoy $275M Prize

HELP A FAMOUS AUTHOR OUT!
The Powers That Be over at Kensington Publishing need something from me, and maybe my brilliant, creative blog readers have some thoughts.

Here's the deal: I need a title and ideas for cover art for my fourth book. I have a working title -- The Big One (referring to a big crime, not male anatomy, although I was not averse to the inevitable confusion if it sold books) -- but TPTB@KP aren't sold on it. Hence my dilemma.

Frankly, in the 24 hours since TPTB@KP contacted me, I haven't exactly burst any blood vessels thinking about it, and I'm sure I can come up with some workable thoughts by the deadline. But if one of you can save me some work, all the better.

And there is a reward! To make this challenge interesting, the person who comes up with the winning title will not only be thanked profusely in the acknowledgments; he or she will become a character in the book (pending the submitter's approval, of course.) So if you've ever wanted to become a fictional character -- like me! -- now is your golden opportunity.

Here's a very brief summary of the book to get you started:

A career criminal living in a rundown section of Queens, Grant Lambert is one of the New York City’s gay men whom ‘fabulousness’ left behind. But when he and his partner, Chase LaMarca, hear that there is videotaped evidence that internationally famous actor and gay rights icon Romeo Romero is actually heterosexual – only pretending to be gay to draw attention and fame to an otherwise fading career – they think they have found the big score that will make the petty theft and graft worthwhile. All they have to do is get their hands on the tape and blackmail Romero into a mutually beneficial settlement.

Unfortunately – and befitting Grant’s usual luck – possession of that tape proves elusive. First, it is intercepted by a petty criminal with even lower standards than Grant and Chase; then it falls into the hands of Ian Hadley, editor of the popular gossip column ‘Between the Streets,’ who is not above conducting his own blackmail scheme to wring money out of Romero.

When Grant wants something, though, he is not easily discouraged, so he assembles a gang from the dark side of the LGBT coalition to either retrieve the tape from Hadley or come up with a Plan B. Or Plan C. Or whatever it will take to score ‘the big one.’

Run with it, kids! Submit here or in the comments.

COPYCAT
Sweet. Just days after changing the name of this place, I realized that author Tom Dolby's blog is called "Dolblog."

I swear it wasn't intentional mimicry, although I can't swear that something didn't register on the subconscious level. Well, whatever. I am too lazy to change it again until another 55 months pass.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to writing my next book, The Sixth Farm.

INGRATES
I know a lot of people who would have paid, but these folks weren't charged and still they complained.

CATCHING UP WITH CRAIGSLIST
Hello, Missed Connections! I've been away for far too long.

Fortunately I popped over in time to read this.

And this. (Uh, peanuts?!!!)

And this.

Aaaaand... that should do it for another couple of months.

Months in which I will not be taking the A train.

BAIT AND SWITCH
You know how sometimes you come across a headline and get excited, only to suffer major disappointment when you read the article?

This was one of those times.

FAILING HISTORY
How embarrassing for Gridskipper. Their brand new 'New York Celebrity Death Map' has, as its first entry, Stanford White's death at Madison Square Garden.

And while it is true that they have correctly placed MSG at Seventh Avenue and West 33rd Street, they sort of missed the fact -- one that I thought was well-known -- that it didn't open at that site until the 1960s. When White was killed, the Garden was at East 26th Street and Madison Avenue.

That would be an 'oops,' Gridskipper. Better luck next time.

I'M NUMBER 2
Which means I'll have to try harder.

LACK OF STIMULATION
Dammit! I just realized that I'm ineligible for that Big Fat Economic Stimulus Package rebate check. Pissed!

Ah well... between a computer, a printer, a television, lots of clothes, and lots of wine, I've probably done enough to stimulate the economy with my federal refund check over the past week.

Long live conspicuous consumption!

BUT THEY HAVE GREAT PERSONALITIES...
You know how they say that Washington DC is Hollywood for ugly people?

Meet Albany.

Okay, I know that's gratuitously mean and superficial, and I feel bad. But it could be worse. Wonkette could have found this, instead of me.)

CHANGES
Just in case you didn't notice, and you didn't, I'll tell you.

Way back in the Dark Ages, when I threw this blog together on a whim, I wasn't particular inspired. Hence the 'robnyc' address and the old title, 'TRL: The Rob Log.' Call it a low moment in creative energy.

As a man with a conservative nature, it never really occured to me to revisit things. After throwing them up on the Internets, I figured they were what they were, and I'd make the best of it.

But after almost five years of fielding referrals meant for this, and a grudging acknowledgment that my acronym was here to stay, I have rechristened the blog. While I was at it, I also cleaned up a few things in the template (say goodbye to my never-completed "100 Things" list) and shook out the dead links from the blogroll.

And I did it all for you. Because your visit to the FARBlog should be a magical, illuminating experience shouldn't suck more than 64% of the time.

You're welcome.

THE POST IN WHICH I SOLVE ANOTHER ONE
Remember how last year I solved the Case of Andy Warhol's Doctor? The breakthrough that was so shocking even Gawker couldn't help but mock notice?

Well, not to brag, but I've done it again.

The New York Tabloid Murder of the Week is the Tuesday night cleavering of a Manhattan therapist. The killer is still at large.

I used to live two blocks from the crime scene, so -- like Jessica Fletcher drawn back to Cabot Cove -- I feel a compelling need to solve this crime and singlehandedly return peace and tranquility to New York City.

One thing has bothered me about this. Well, one thing besides the bloody carnage, that is. I am bothered by the killer's choice of materiel:

Knives, rope, duct tape, women's clothing and adult diapers were found in the luggage he abandoned after butchering 57-year-old Kathryn Faughey in her office, police sources said.

Adult diapers?

Okay, that clue -- that vital clue -- had me confused. Everything was straight out of Brian DePalma's Dressed to Kill... except the adult diapers.

But then it occured to me...

Didn't I read this yesterday? (Answer: yes, I did.) How clever! I am sure the Meat Cleaver Murderer is hiding in plain sight right here in the blogosphere! But he was tripped up by his adult diapers! And I think we all know how embarrassing that can be. Uh... right? Anyone?... Uh... okay, anyway:

A.J. Daulerio, j'accuse.

Damn, I'm good!


Watch your local listings for 'The Famous Private Detective Rob Byrnes Mystery Hour,' coming this fall from Fox.

POT BLOGS ABOUT COLOR OF KETTLE
Someone should put a screen cap of this in the dictionary next to 'irony.'

THAT'S FRONK-ENSTEIN!!



As tired as I get of people making the inevitable Rob Byrnes/Robert Burns joke -- and both of us are Famous, too -- this guy's life has to be a lot worse.

(Photo above taken from the pages of the California Medical Association 2007-2008 Annual Report.)


(Via Fark)

UNFORTUNATE MOMENTS IN NEWSPAPER HISTORY
From the New York Daily News:

Over the years, there have been numerous examples of lottery winners whose millions have brought them misery.

The best known example is the Hurley character of the hit ABC series "Lost," who comes to believe that his good fortune sparked a chain reaction of tragedy.

I'm thinking the reporting staff at the News might want to check out this article (via NDT). It seems to me that, in a real world that includes Jack Whittaker, there are better examples out there.

Then again, what do I know? I read the New York Post. Which reminds me:


this cartoon from today's paper is neither clever nor cutting, and is lame for even lameass half-wit homophobe Sean Delonas. Still making the same joke about Heather Mills's one-leggedness after all these years? Yeah, the twit is earning his salary.

Coming tomorrow: a cartoon about Hurley from Lost winning the real-life MegaMillions. Remember: you read it here first.

NEWS FLASH!
This just in: bloggers will soon be able to have sex.

Developing...

RETREADS
Politically-inspired erotica? Yawn. It's been done.

(And our book was certainly better.)

AND SPEAKING OF BLOGGERS AND THERAPISTS
Via Towleroad, I just ran across the blog '90 Day Jane,' the on-line musings of a woman who claims she is going to kill herself in 90 85 days.

Awesome. Hopefully in 85 days, there will be a live feed to YouTube.

Does that sound cruel? Yeah, I suppose it does. For what it's worth, I wouldn't be writing this if I thought there was a shred of truth to the whole thing. Jane's blog is riddled with so many contradictions and inconsistencies it's hard to take it seriously. I am all but certain this is yet another not-so-funny blog farce.

Two things jump out and set off my bullshit alarm:

1. Why wait 90 days and blog about it? If you're going to do it, no one can stop you. Jane writes:

With roughly 3 months to look at my life from a truly temporary perspective, I wonder what realizations i'll have. Will I suddenly become a sentimental person? Will I tie up loose ends? Will I rekindle relationships long forgotten? I doubt it, to be honest. It's not like I have terminal cancer or something. It's a truly selfish thing I do now (was that Dickens? ha ha) and I plan to live my life as I always had, but with this new perspective. I'll go to work, I'll have a social life, I'll date, I'll celebrate and then I'll check out.

So there's no reason to wait... except for the attention. Uh-huh.

2. Jane later writes:

I really want to reiterate that this is a public but anonymous record and was not meant to be a big thing. I didn't think anyone would find it or even care if they did. I guess I was wrong... Honestly, I've been thinking about stopping the blog.

She gets twice as many comments per day in a blog less than a week old than I get in daily readers. Seems like someone -- the someone being Jane -- isn't doing a very good job of suicide-blogging on the DL.

There is nothing wrong with being an attention whore, of course. My problem comes when you don't deliver the goods. So, Jane, I look forward to your Official YouTube Suicide in 85 days.

I'll even wear black.

PS: I did you a disservice by ommision. So please note that the comments are the best part.


UPDATE: I think I was pwned, as the kids would, uh, type. A Towleroad commenter notes that there is also a site out there titled '90 Day Joe.' Parody of Jane? Viral marketing? General random weirdness? All three? Eh... whatevs. I still want to see it on YouTube.

MY OTHER THERAPIST IS A BLOGGER
That would make a great bumper sticker, wouldn't it?

Anyway, I don't know if I'm late, early, or right on time for the train wreck (which I first discovered here), but I find everything about this equally fascinating and abhorrent. I don't know what keeps bringing me back. Is it the "I hate myself/I hate you more" blog entries? The overly-invested, "we've found-a-new-Brat-Boy" commenters? I can't answer that question.

I do know that I would delete this blog seven seconds after reading comments like this:

Erik
I hate to say this but you have better prospects than this 39-year old.Lately I have been thinking about my life and I feel I made some bad choices in the past.I hate being unemployed and feeling like shit most of the time.I'm not depressed or on the verge of a breakdown,I'm just not happy,period.No amount of drugs is gonna change that.My blog posts are usually happy but here I can express my loneliness and rage at the world.Oh Erik if you only knew the crap I had to endure for 39 years to get here.Seriously you and I need to get together and talk.No I'm not pursuing you man,that is not my agenda.If I do see you at the awards or around San Francisco you will understand what a fucked up life I have.And I don't blame no one but myself.Think about it.

February 6, 2008 5:16 PM

If, of course, I drew PsychoReaders. Which, of course, you're not.

Oh, and the double negative in the last sentence has nothing to do with it, although maybe it should. No, the pure sweaty desperation is enough to scare me off. Hell, it gives me goosebumps and neither commenter nor commentee even know that I exist.

Which is my way of saying thank you to my readers for not being crazy and/or taking your meds. You guys are the best, and by 'the best,' I mean you generally don't frighten me.

I will do my best to reciprocate. No promises, but I'll try.

FAMOUS AUTHOR ROB BYRNES IS OCCASIONALLY KIND TO OTHER FAMOUS AUTHORS
Photographic evidence as I prepare to give up $15 to Rich Merritt for his book Code of Conduct.

Written evidence -- right here -- as I congratulate Jeff Ricker. Congratulations, Jeff!

Okay, that was exhausting. Time to be mean again.

TIME WARP
I just... you see, I want to comment, but... I mean, the idiocy just... well... it just leaves you... speechless.

So just click here. And if it isn't immediately apparent why I'm left without words, read the comments.

IN-JOKE OF THE DAY
Don't want.

QUESTION OF THE DAY
We're only half way through winter. Why is it, then, I haven't heard Winter Wonderland since around Christmas?

I want me some Perry Como and I want it now. Start singing.

NOW I KNOW WHERE YOU ARE...
I was over at Joe. My. God.'s site a little while ago and I noticed he had this cool new visitor tracker... which he's probably had for years but I only noticed this morning, which makes it new, because it's all about me and my experiences.

Anyway, this Feedjit thingie tracks visitors and plots them on a map, and we all know how I love me my maps. So now it's been added to the sidebar.

And now, since I know you really don't give a fuck, I'll shut up and get back to work. Ciao!

IDEA I SHOULD HAVE HAD FIRST #5,347
There are still a lot of names missing, but this site has so much potential.

STOP THE MADNESS!!!
Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you people that 'grisly' and 'grizzly' and 'grizzle' and 'gristle' are not the same word? Huh? How many?!!

Obviously, once more.

Earlier:
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!
Also, don't pronounce the T in gristle. 'kay?

AND ALSO, THOSE DIRTY HIPPIES TAKE THEIR CLOTHES OFF IN THAT SHOW 'HAIR'
From the Albany Times-Union's Capitol Confidential column:

And Cox evoked the get-tough stance that his late father in law Richard Nixon took in sending B-52s over Hanoi — at the same time that McCain was in a North Vietnamese prison.

“That gave a message to the North Vietnames to release those POWs,” said Cox.

And yes, there was a bit of Hillary-bashing, with Rensselaer County Republican Chairman Jack Casey ridiculing her idea for ”baby bonds,” or the issuance of $5,000 to every child born in the US to help save for college or a home.

Casey said he ran that idea by his daughter who works in that Democratic stronghold, New York City, and she said “Dad, they’re all going to use it on crack and they’re all going to use it on gambling.”

Ah, yes. New York State Republican leaders see this election as an opportunity to fight the Viet Cong and take down those welfare queens driving around New York in their Cadillacs en route to the crack dealer.

Fortunately, now there's a theme song for them. And how's that decade working out the second time around?

BOOK OF THE WEEK
The worst thing is, I would kill for that sales rank.

PREDESTINATION
With a name like Major Sellers, he really didn't have much of a career choice, did he?

BIG NEWS
'Robert' is in the Top Ten. Just noting that for your edification.

Now get back to work and stop fantasizing about me.

JUST REMEMBER
This: only two weeks until we get another three-day weekend.