FIRST CAME 'COMMANDER-IN-CHEF;' THEN CAME JUSTICE BLOGGER
I overslept my alarm this morning, but you would have, too, if you needed an extra ten minutes to send a congratulatory e-mail to Michele on the occasion of her nomination to the United States Supreme Court.

Nothing that more sleep and exercise and less alcohol shouldn't fix...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
And, damn! I had no idea he was so old!

London Celebrates 195 Years of Curry

THEME AND BALANCE
I know someone will probably claim that this is just another narcissistic blog entry, but it's not. It's an educational item designed to teach you proper photographic technique.

Take this image, for instance:



Notice the overall theme at work in the photograph. A young man lounges, relaxed and... well, contemplative. I'd say the young man looks contemplative. Wouldn't you? He casually takes a drag from his cigarette, the smoke gently rising above his head. The smoke clearly represents the ideas of the young man; cartoon bubbles are too childish for art of this complexity. And in a divine, impish touch, a glass of wine -- apparently untouched -- is perched in the upper left corner of the frame. Notice that the glass is neigher half-full nor half-empty; rather, it is almost completely full. Therefore, we can intuit that the young man's ideas (remember the smoke!) are optimistic and forward-thinking, and the ease with which he lives his life is destined to blossom in his long, but youthful, future.

Our next example is this photograph:
Here we have something similar, yet shockingly different. First, note the artistic use of black and white to accent the shadows cast by the table lamp. It is quite fascinating and quite daring. But also note that -- despite the moodiness often associated with black and white photographs -- the youthful good nature of this young man still shines through. He is smiling, and is hand is draped over his muscular inner thigh in a manner that quite coindentally suggests sexual allure. And if you look carefully through the shadows, you can also see that the wineglass now, indeed, is half-full... for this young man would never see anything as half-empty. Unlike the first image, this is a representation of a young, vibrant, optimistic, and sensual being.

And there you have it: Art Appreciation 101, courtesy of TRL: The Rob Log. And if you'll excuse me, I think I'm going to take a cold shower now...

HELLO, KITTY
I've found a pet for the Boi.

Come to think of it, they're sneaky and they suck the breath of of babies, so...

(via Sullivan)

1,000
(As the applause fades, Famous Author Rob Byrnes steps up to the microphone and, to quiet the crowd, raises his hands. For a moment, the applause grows louder as they see their idol, but then the room quickly quiets to the claps of a few die-hards. Finally, he speaks:)

First of all, I would like to thank 365gay.com for their gift on this special occasion... my One Thousandth Blog Entry. I consider it eminently blog-worthy:

Gay sex is never gay if your Republican

I would have just died if I hadn't been able to post that. I've had to look away from so many juicy items over the past five days as I built up to the Thousandth Entry, but that one would have killed me.

[UPDATE: 365gay.com has fixed their error. You'll have to trust me that I cut-and-pasted that mistake from their site this very morning. Based on their track record, I know you believe me.]

Secondly, I would like to thank my readers for all the love you've given me over the past 26 months. You are the only reason I get up in the morning and log onto Blogger. No, really...

(applause)

This is, of course, a notably occasion... it's like I've hit my 700th home run, except, you know, it's my thousandth!

(laughter; random whoops turning into cheers and applause)

But friends, I'd like to get serious for a moment. Because, for me, blogging is not a narcissistic ego-stroke. No, it's about the people I have come to know along this journey.

People like Becky, in hurricane-ravaged Houston, who took time from bailing out her flooded attic to write:

Dear Famous Author Rob Byrnes:

I have tormented myself trying to think of an appropriate way to show you what you mean to me. I thought of writing a poem about you, but it's hard to find words that rhyme with FARB. Garb, barb, rhubarb, and carb aren't much to work with, especially in something as literary as is your due.

Since hurricanes have been on my mind so much, I googled "Hurricane Robert" and "Hurricane Rob" and found a lot of articles about Robert Kennedy, Jr. and some other stuff that diverted me for a few hours. Then I remembered there was a deadline for paying tribute to you.

I hate deadlines.

I already photoshopped your own SALAD TOSSING FOR DUMMIES book cover; how can I top that?

I could offer you a date with Almost as Famous as Rob Byrnes Author Timothy J. Lambert, but you have a boyfriend, and Teej will get a restraining order against me if I don't stop trying to pimp him out.

Maybe I'll pitch that idea of the "Men of Kensington" calendar to John after all. Which month do you want?

Congratulations on achieving Post 1K. I look forward to a thousand more; you're an inspiration.

Best,
Becks

I would like May, Becky. Thanks.

Speaking of Teej, he took time from watching Becky bail to also write:

On the days that FARB doesn't post I can often be found huddled in a corner, clutching a beer in one hand and wiping the tears from my eyes with the other as snot runs down my face.

It's not pretty. But neither is Alan Cumming.

Happy thousandth post, Rob!

much love,

timothy j. lambert

p.s., I'm not too worried about sending this late, because when have you ever met a deadline?

To which I say: I always meet my deadlines, bitch.

(laughter, applause)

You know, speaking of Cumming --

(boos, catcalls)

Now, now... settle down, please. Many of you have asked recently about the rivalry between Cumming and I -- most recently Pua -- and since this is a very special occasion, I'd like to use this opportunity to explain.

As you will recall, not too long ago I was not yet a Famous Author. But then, in September 2002, The Night We Met was published to universal acclaim (except for that fucktard, 'a reader.') I was poised to become a major American literary figure.

But, at the same time, Cumming had a book published. Unfortunately, because he was already quasi-famous for being a bisexual Scottish cross-dressing Tim Curry-wannabe, guess who got all the attention? Guess who got the book review in the New York Times? Guess who got ink in all the gay rags?

Guess who didn't.

Okay, no more dwelling the past. I am a bigger man than that, and this is a celebration.

(applause, cheers, spontaneous 'ROB ROB ROB' chant)

One of the things I'm proud of is how young readers have been inspired by this blog. People like JR, from hurricane-ravaged Toronto, who writes of his attraction to TRL and its creator:

Is he seriously guzzling champagne in that picture? Did he take fashion
pictures of himself smoking? Is that an Italian flip in his hair? A writer?
Mocks 365gay.com? Wait, he also has a self-concept that borders on
grandiosity and arrogance. Check. That's my kind of blog.

It is hard to be humble when I read those words. But I'll try. Or maybe not.

Other readers, like Hikaru, come here not only for the general fabulousness, but also to see what brings other people here and makes TRL unique:

I'd say best of referrals. You certainly attract the oddest ones--and I mean that with in a very sweet, pink polka-dot heart shaped way.

Indeed. Salad-tossers everywhere, eat your... um... heart out. You Halloween costumers, too. Not to mention... heh heh...

(laughter; spontaneous FELDON FELDON FELDON chant)

But beyond the relative newcomers, even some of the old-timers of blogging keep coming back. People like Patrick, who reminisces:

I think I remember a story about a certain FARB that may have fallen down drunk on a bus after ingesting a very large shot of Rumplemintz. Of course, I was drunk enough that I don't really remember.

What can I say? People lie... even TRL readers.

Now, I have to admit that I'm disappointed that a few people chose not to participate in today's festivities--

(booing; loud, loud booing)

--but I'm pleased that I have heard from two people I'm close to, who spend many nights -- seven a week, by most counts -- holding court with me at Posh. First, The Scottish Guy (like MacB--- er, 'The Scottish Play' it's considered bad luck to say his name aloud) writes:

You have a dame good blog. I'm never sure if it's a live blog or a dead one, but I can always count on it to cover the whole kitten kaboodle of what's on the Internets.

That was sweet. And, finally, Greg writes:

I only wish I could have a smart, funny blog like The Rob Log. Unfortunately, I am a cretinous douche-nozzle who has so little imagination that, quite often, I cannot think of anything to post for two-month long stretches. Also, I am a dumbass moron and have erotic dreams about Alan Cumming, except in my dreams he's dressed as a woman. I am deeply ashamed of myself.

(stunned silence)

I agree, audience. I couldn't have said it any better myself. But thanks for reading, and please stick around for the next thousand entries.

Salad-tossing will ensue...

(applause; days and days of applause)

999
Yikes. The moment is almost upon us. My next entry will be my thousandth since July 16, 2003.

So we'd better make it special, right? And by 'we,' I mean not only my multiple personalities, but all of my friends and readers. Um... meaning you! (But not you.)

Here's what we'll do. Send me e-mail or leave a comment pertaining to me and/or this blog, and I'll put them together in a very special, probably very lengthy "TRL 1K" entry. It will be like a big blog scrapbook. Scrapblog? Whatever.

Go off about anything... and the funnier the better, of course, 'cause funny may not always be what this blog is all about, but it's what I try to make it all about. Famous Author Rob Byrnes fan fiction? Photoshopped FARB? Real-life encounters? Something written in the style of 365gay.com? Poignant, bittersweet remembrances that will leave readers with a tear in their eye? It's all good.

Well... okay, I probably will do some editing. So if you were thinking of putting my head on a porn stars body, it probably won't make the cut. And if you have that much time on your hands, you should be looking for the real pictures. Also, please note that I reserve the right to edit to protect my job and my relationship. (I would have added 'my reputation,' but I figure it's already shot.)

But hurry! THE DEADLINE IS THE CLOSE OF BUSINESS ON MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 26. My 'close of business,' not yours.

Get your contribution to me in a timely fashion, and I hope to post my thousandth entry on Tuesday, September 27. Until then, I'm afraid I have to force myself to be silent. Hopefully nobody will do anything too stupid between now and then.

Yeah, right.

****

And since I can't upload anything until next Tuesday, I should take this opportunity to note a few quick items.

1. Congratulations to Boi from Troy, who yesterday celebrated his blog's second birthday and also received his millionth visitor. Meaning he's had approximately 996,832 visitors more than I have. Little bastard.

2. Good luck to former TRL Guest Bloggers Teej and Becks, who -- at this very moment -- are fleeing Hurricane Rita. Just a few weeks ago, our fellow gay Kensington author (sorry, Becky! I mean, 'our fellow gay/gay-friendly Kensington author') Greg Herren was forced out of New Orleans by Katrina. Don't tell the AFA, but I'm starting to worry that God is targeting gay Kensington authors. If Hurricane Wally attacks Manhattan -- home to me and Dolby -- I will have confirmation.

****

All for now, kids! Remember to get your comments and e-mails to me by Monday! Ciao!

TIME TO GET YOUR HATE ON AGAIN
Tomorrow night, season 4 of The Apprentice premieres. Once again, it's going to be hard to decide which candidate to hate the most. Let us count the ways:

ADAM
Hate Factor: A perfect 10.
Bill O'Reilly fan. Also, looks like the sort of annoying guy you want to smack in the nose upon first encounter.

ALLA
Hate Factor: 3.
Gets credit for being a former stripper with a murderous stalker -- I mean, not even Omarosa could pull that off. Loses credit for dreadful taste in favorite movies. White Chicks? Phantom?! Yikes.

BRIAN
Hate Factor: 1.
Sorry... I can't bring myself to hate him. I think he's really hot, and he's also very crafty, since he seems intent on fucking Carolyn.

CHRIS
Hate Factor: 7
Former jock turned radio advertising salesman; next stop: a trailer park. Favorite movie: Glengarry Glen Ross. This one has frustration and 'roid rage written all over him. Hopefully he'll take a swing at Adam, and not Brian.

CLAY
Hate Factor: 4
Homosexual, although apparently not on the NBC web site. Disses Carolyn on-line; likes The Birdcage.

FELISHA
Hate Factor: 7
Looks like a real bitch, and therefore will probably get a beat-down from Carolyn (after she's done with Gay Clay); likes Oprah and The DaVinci Code.

JAMES
Hate Factor: 8
"George (has) got to be doing something right to live this long." George is what? 108 years old? Mostly, though, James is to be hated for two words: Cingular Wireless.

JENNIFER M.
Hate Factor: 9
Turn that frown upside down, missy!
Former Miss Orgeon. One of two Jennifers, so confusion will ensue. Another fan of the Phantom of the Opera movie.

JENNIFER W.
Hate Factor: 3
Possible lesbian (plays golf; has children). Jennifer Confusion Quotient. Regrettably thinks Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson are funny; didn't mention
Will Ferrell, so she mitigated her demerits.

JOSH
Hate Factor: 7
Quote #1: "First, allow me to say that all 18 candidates are winners."
Finally, someone directly connects The Apprentice with the Special Olympics!
Quote #2: "I awaken every day with a smile on my face and a passion for life that is hard to quantify by any metric."
Nobody -- nobody -- talks like that.

KRISTI
Hate Factor: 2
Teenage slut turned... who cares? Former teenage slut! Yes!!

MARK
Hate Factor: 7
Don't like the looks of him... okay, I'll concede that was subjective. Objectively, he can't count: "I love Montgomery Gentry, Toby Keith, and Hank Williams Jr. But Jimmy Buffett is a close second!" Idiot.

MARKUS
Hate Factor: 9
Coined the word 'multipreneur.' Proud of coining the word 'multipreneur.'
Almost as old as George. Fan of Tony Robbins. Mitigating Factor: Probably an alcoholic.

MARSHAWN
Hate Factor: 7
Another former beauty queen. Possibility that someone (probably Gay Clay) will exclaim, "Marshawn, Marshawn, Marshawn!" One of these things is not like the others: "My favorite movies are My Fair Lady, Brown Sugar, Remember the Titans, Rush Hour, and Bad Boys I and II, and The Hurricane about Rubin "Hurricane" Carter."

MELISSA
Hate Factor: 5
"I'm an All-American in softball and soccer." Um... *cough* Prefers Meet the Fockers to, oh, let's say, Casablanca.

RANDAL
Hate Factor: 3
I'm sorry; I tried, but I'm not feeling the hate here. I mean, I'm not feeling the love I have for Brian, either, but... Maybe I'm just getting tired.

REBECCA
Hate Factor: 8
Teen People + Point of Light = Hate Goldmine! Favorite movies include the Chris Farley Oscar-winner Tommy Boy.

TORAL
Hate Factor: 10
"Q: How do you deal with personal and professional challenges?
A: Spiritually."
Translated: I will cut your throat in your sleep, muthafucka.
Fan of Nixon and black female version of Nixon: Oprah. Probably the designated 'Evil Character.'

Obviously, we won't know anything for sure un til the show airs, but... come on! You know! Look at them!

Oh, and Brian? Call me!

I THINK THAT I SHALL NEVER SAY/THAT ALL IS WELL AT 365GAY
(dot-com)

I dunno... maybe this is like their use of the word 'turf,' which you'll recall has an extremely obscure usage of which I wasn't aware. Which is why I railed against it. Twice. Until corrected by some Scottish guy and Jess. (Jess, are you by any chance Scottish? That would explain a lot.)

So I won't mock 365gay.com without knowing all the facts.

Oh, the hell with it. Sure I will.

The sentence in question:

She then rhymed off several Bible verses she said backed up her claims.

"Rhymed off"? As they say in the Old Country, WTF?

Of course, maybe Ms. Jarboe did, in fact, 'rhyme off.' Perhaps her testimony went something like this:

Katrina was sent as God's wrath,
New Orleans was straight in its path,
Now the gays can't commence
Their Southern Decadence,
Pennsylvania's next! Just do the math.

Or...

I pray to God we never see,
A breach in Lebanon's levee.

Or...

Lebanese lesbians revel in sex,
Sodomites sodomize as a reflex,
God's sure to punish, that lesson is plain,
With Pennsylvania's very first hurricane.*

* - I know, I know. That's why they call it poetic license, kids. Get over it.

Or maybe 365gay.com is just embarrassingly wrong again. Yeah, I think that's it.

UPDATE: As That Scottish Guy notes in the comments, I was incorrect. For some reason I was wholly unfamiliar with the phrase, and -- while I did check dead-tree and on-line dictionaries before writing this entry -- I probably should have Googled the phrase before publishing. For the record, a Google of "Rhymed off" returns 1,180 hits, which makes it... well, let's just say that Googling "Famous Author Rob Byrnes" finds you 15,300 web pages, which means that while 'rhymed off' is, indeed, a phrase, it is a phrase of such obscurity that you are 13 times more likely to be familiar with me.

Therefore, while I am wrong, I'm not really wrong.

Also, Scottish people are no longer welcome here, but that's something I'll address in person over fisticuffs cocktails.

A VERY SPECIAL 'THERE'S NO JUSTICE IN THIS WORLD' MOMENT

WASHINGTON -- She's a feisty left-wing senator from California faced with a vexing decision: What to do about a conservative Supreme Court nominee who appears headed for confirmation?... Who could this senator be but Barbara Boxer, the outspoken liberal whose combative opposition to Condoleezza Rice as secretary of state was parodied on Saturday Night Live?

Not quite.

It's actually... the fictional character Boxer created in her first novel, "A Time to Run," out Nov. 1 from Chronicle Books...

...Boxer worked with co-author Mary-Rose Hayes, and reported a $15,938 advance for the book on her 2004 financial disclosure forms.

Um... hello! I could use money like that! Please? Pretty please?

Damn. Mediocre United States senators get all the breaks.

AS THEY WOULD SAY ON FARK:

Cat that visited dog show was rabid

LE PLUME DE SENATOR D'AMATEAU EST SUR LA TABLE
Sigh.

HRC shot itself in the foot big time when it endorsed incumbent Republican U.S. Sen. Al D’Amateau over challenger Chuck Schumer. The (rather weak) reasoning was that it’s better to endorse an incumbent who is not hostile to our goals. This ended up being wrong because Schumer (despite voting for the despicable Defense of Marriage Act) has been a vocal and active supporter in the Senate for gay-rights causes; and because D’Amateau’s “support” was limited to one issue — gays in the military.

I don't know what to say. I honestly do not know what to say. Things like that make me want to cry.

Oh, and just in case you're as stupid -- and I do mean STUPID -- as the Editor of the New York Blade, please note that the man who served eighteen fucking years as a United States Senator from New York spells his name "D'Amato."

What a fucking idiot you are, Steve Weinstein. After that boneheaded mistake, it's impossible to take anything you've written seriously.

FROM THE DEPT. OF BLOGGERS TAKING THEMSELVES TOO SERIOUSLY
You're validated by your blog? Please get a life, boys and girls. Oh, and:

“Before every freaking queen in the world got a blog, bloggers fell into two categories: cool people and connectors, who embraced technology early on,” Shellhammer says. “The others were freaks, dorks and scary people unable to make friends in traditional ways. Both these categories still exist.”...

...“Blogs, before anything else, are fun,” he says. “They allow people to create. And I think that’s a wonderful thing. Just don’t expect me to read the crap.”

Exactly. Witness the lack of Queerty on my blogroll.

ONLY IN NEW YORK, KIDS, ONLY IN NEW YORK
Thanks, Andrew. And why do I always end up reading this shit crap stuff just before I'm about to grab lunch?

Related thought: you'd think the, uh, litter-bug would have the decency to write a note asking permission, right?

And with this entry, I officially end "Potty Thursday."

AT LEAST HE'S NOT GRABBING HIS CROTCH AND JUMPING UP AND DOWN ANYMORE

Georgie asks Schoolmarm Condi for permission to go potty.

UPDATE: No, David, I'm afraid it's not a joke...

UPDATE McUPDATE: Heh.

VOTE OR DIE GET BITCH-SLAPPED
If you are a Democrat anywhere in New York City -- or Buffalo, Rochester, and Albany, for that matter -- get out and vote in today's primary. If you are a member of a political party anywhere else in the country having a primary election today, you should also get to the polls.

If you don't, I'm gonna bitch-slap you. Not afraid of a doughy middle-aged white guy? Fine. Then I'll send Hikaru to bitch-slap you. Argument over.

For the record, I'm quite confident that four of the five candidates I voted for this morning will lose. But that's not the point. The point is to vote for the person you feel is most qualified, and deserves your support.

And not for nothing, but if I was to be, oh, on the ballot as a candidate for Manhattan Borough President in 2013, and discovered that you had not voted, I would be very disappointed. Not that I'm making plans, of course.

BACK ON THE JOB
Yup. It seems Michael Brown found a new job yesterday, just minutes after resigning his position as Embattled FEMA Director.

Field Supervisor for the Los Angeles Department of Water and Power.


I know... I know. You saw that coming a mile away. But everyone loves a pile-on, right?

Update: Great minds...

CALL ME 'BYRNSIE'
Because it happened 15 minutes ago, you've no doubt already heard that Embattled FEMA Director Michael Brown -- yes, that was indeed his official title -- has resigned. That was a shame, because there are entire states he left unscathed.

After I got over the shock -- because no one saw that coming, did they? -- I had a thought. And now that I've had 14 minutes to mull it over, I think it's quite a good thought!

Yes, folks, it's time for me to update my resume. My nation needs me. I am off to Washington to become the next Embattled FEMA Director.

'But Famous Author Rob Byrnes,' you are probably thinking to yourself... or, even more disturbingly, saying aloud to yourself. 'What do you know about disasters?' To which I will merely refer you to Publishers Weekly and Amazon.com's 'A Reader in Reno' and leave things at that. Just trust me when I tell you that I know disasters. And I really know Embattled.

And I already have an agenda. As Embattled FEMA Director Famous Author Rob Byrnes, I will make it a priority to bring brush-fires to Maryland and Delaware. I promise you cataclysmic earthquakes in Wisconsin. I will personally see to it that the entire state of Oklahoma is under water before the end of January.

And when EFEMADFARB makes a promise, he delivers. So stand aside and prepare to be smited. Er... smitten. Er... whatever.

Best of all, the President will not have to strain to come up with a nickname for me. I will always be his 'Byrnsie.' And he'll be my 'Bushie-Wushie.'

Thanks for your support as I prepare to under-serve my country.



RELATED: Why was everyone so surprised to discover that Brownie hadn't been properly vetted? You do remember who the White House originally nominated to be his boss, don't you?

TRL 1K
In another 14 13 (almost forgot this one) entries, I will have reached the 1,000-post mark here at The Rob Log. Judging by past performance, I should reach the milestone in the September 19-21 range.

Okay, we have a goal. So how do you think I should mark that one-thousandth blog entry?

Leave a comment. I'll consider it.

'SALAD-TOSSING' NOW HAS STRONG COMPETITION...
...because TRL is also the number one web site for this!

And he wept.

ANOTHER ASSAULT ON THE GULF COAST
Bad: a monster hurricane destroys your life, ruining everything you own and leaving you homeless.

Worse: Men's Fitness calls you Fatty-Fat-Fat-Fatty!

Topping the list of the fattest schools: University of Louisiana at Lafayette, followed by University of New Orleans, Mississippi State University, Southern Illinois University at Carbondale and Portland State University.

Talk about not being able to catch a break.

IN OTHER NEWS, GRAY DAVIS IS STILL GOVERNOR OF CALIFORNIA
I mean, I think that is what Maria Thompson, spokesperson for California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is saying, isn't she?

Schwarzenegger announced Wednesday night that he will veto legislation allowing same-sex couples to marry.

The announcement, made through his press secretary, Margita Thompson, said that the bill is in conflict with Proposition 22 a ballot initiative passed in 2000 to prevent California from recognizing same-sex marriages performed elsewhere.

"We cannot have a system where the people vote and the Legislature derails that vote," Thompson, said. "Out of respect for the will of the people, the governor will veto (the bill)."

In 1998, Gray Davis was elected governor with 58% of the vote. In 2002, he received 47%; not overwhelming, but still the will of the people. What makes these out of date election results any less valid than a referendum held five years ago?

Furthermore, and much more importantly, since when are elected officials required to follow poll numbers? Don't we elect them to take positions? Isn't that what a representative form of government is all about? Hell, why don't we just leave everything up to a vote by everyone? Every decision decided by majority vote of the masses... yeah, that would work.

Who even needs elected officials under that scenario? Why don't we all come home from work, boot the computer, and cast our votes for highway repairs; amendments to the Estates, Powers, and Trusts Law; and increased fines for illegal rights on red.

Arnold Schwarzenegger, I am calling you out: you are the girlie-man!



By the way, this from the Department of Credit Where Credit Is Due: even though he sometimes drives me a bit crazy (and I hope it's occasionally reciprocal), Boi From Troy nails it. And that, folks, is why we've been blog-friends for all these years.*

*It's only been two, but it feels a lot longer. Interpret that any way you'd like.

A FEW PEAKS AMONG MANY VALLEYS
What happens when a little-read blogger gets momentarily inspired, and is then linked by TMFTML and Wonkette:

DAY -- UNIQUE VISITORS
27 Aug, Sat -- 58

28 Aug, Sun -- 56

29 Aug, Mon -- 168

30 Aug, Tue -- 133

31 Aug, Wed -- 100

01 Sep, Thu -- 417

02 Sep, Fri -- 2713

03 Sep, Sat -- 998

04 Sep, Sun -- 379

05 Sep, Mon -- 215

It's going to be hard to get used to being unpopular again...

GET READY TO HEAR ABOUT TRENT LOTT'S PORCH FOR THE NEXT THREE YEARS

Bush on CNN just now:

"We got a lot of rebuilding to do.... the good news is and it's hard for some to see it now but out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic gulf coast... out of the rubbles of Trent Lott's house -- the guy lost his entire house -- there's going to be fantastic house. I look forward to sitting on the porch."

Bush hasn't had very good political instincts for the past few days, has he?

(via Wonkette)

SEVEN
I've been tagged for a meme. Thanks a lot, MAK.

Okay... might as well get this over with. so I can get back to my all-Katrina, all-the-time reading.

7 things I plan to do before I die:
1) I want to get gay-married.
2) I would like to be free of financial worry.
3) I plan to get back to the gym.
4) I'd like to think I have another 10 or 12 novels in me.
5) But I also plan to break into non-genre fiction. Eventually.
6) I will properly train every bartender in Manhattan.
7) I would like to have a house on a beach.

7 things I can do:
1) I can travel anywhere and not get lost (exception: Lower Manhattan)
2) I can complete crossword puzzles
3) I can write... well, I think so
4) After a few drinks, but not too many, I can sing on-key.
5) I make the world's best grilled cheese-and-bacon sandwich.
6) For some strange reason, I'm skilled at spelling words backwards.
7) Finally, I can make your life a living hell.

7 things I cannot do:
1) I cannot ski.
2) I cannot keep up with my e-mail.
3) I am fundamentally incapable of self-discpline.
4) I am useless in a kitchen (except when making grilled cheese-and-bacon sandwiches)
5) I can't read or write in a silent room.
6) I'm the world's worst dancer. I mean, even white boys laugh at me.
7) Alas... I can't leave work at the office when 6 o'clock rolls around.

7 things that attract me to the opposite sex (like MAK, I’m going to pretend “opposite” means “same”):
1) I'm attracted to his sense of humor.
2) I'm really attracted when he gets my sense of humor.
3) He must be playful.
4) But he also most own a suit and know how to tie a tie.
5) I am generally attracted to shorter men. Shorter, bossy, pushy, loud-mouthed men (lest you think I have a domination thing going on.)
6) A little butt goes a long way.
7) Irreverence is a wonderful personality trait.

7 things that I say most often:
1) "One more, then I have to go."
2) "Okay... but just one more. Then I really have to go."
3) "Tell him I'm in a meeting."
4) "I don't know why I'm here. I should have gone straight home after work."
5) "Don't tell anyone I told you this, but..."
6) "Coffee. Now."
7) "Stupid 'mo."

7 celebrity crushes:
1) Nick Lachey
2) Randy Harrison
3) Eva Longoria
4) Brad Pitt... um... clean-shaven
5) Robert Downey, Jr.
6) Jesse Metcalfe
7) The Little Brown One

7 people I want to do this:
1) Becks (alone, without Teej's help)
2) Teej (alone, without Becks's help)
3) Steve-O-Rama
4) Hikaru (especially because I owe him a meme that I was too busy to do when tagged)
5) Joel
6) David
7) Doug
(please don't hate me for tagging you!)

DEAR EVERYONE: GET A GRIP
Yes, it's one more Katrina entry before I end the blog-day. Isn't it amazing how I held everything in for several days, and now can't stop? I know, I know... I surprise even myself at times.

In any event, I've spent far too much time over the past few days awash in... uh... closely reading everything and anything Katrina. And you know what? Roughly 83% of you are wrong.

Because this is not a political event. This is nature.

Yes, yes, I know. Bush should have known, and he's responsible. Blanco should have known, and she's responsible. Nagin should have known, and he's responsible. Barbour should have known, and he's responsible. People should have known to evacuate. People should be forgiven for not evacuating because they've heard 'wolf' too often. Looters should be shot. Looters are trying to feed their families.

FEMA sucks. FEMA... uh... really sucks. If all the Lousiana National Guard troops were on the Gulf Coast, everything would be all right, and therefore this is all the fault of the Iraq war. Except if it's not.

Bush should have surveyed the damage on the ground, instead of from the air, because... maybe it's more real to splash around in feces and copperheads? Bush shouldn't have been in Crawford when the hurricane was coming, because... uh... maybe it's more real to splash around in feces and copperheads in 145-mile-per-hour winds?

Anyway, the long and short of it is this: for the past three days, the Internet has been filled with more hot air and sloppy shit than the Ninth Ward.

Again: this is not a political event. This is nature.

There are very few players -- Republicans, Democrats, and independent bureaucrats alike -- who don't share a bit of blame for the human failings that contributed to the disaster. But this is not the fault of an individual, a party, or an ideology. It is fucking nature, and if you can't see that through your partisan glasses, then you're an idiot. It would have happened with a Democratic President and/or a Republican Governor. And unless you can dust-off your way-back machine and travel back to around 1985, then convince all the elected and public officials that the sky will, in fact, be falling in twenty years so they'd better get busy on that, you're not helping. You're merely contributing to the further disintegration of political discourse in this country.

So, again, shut up.

Now see what you've made me do? I'm late for Happy Hour. Ciao!

MAYBE THEY MEANT JENNA?
I can think of a lot of things to call the President, but 'spindly' isn't one of them.
Spindly Bush Saves Miss. Police Officers

Oh wait...

PAULA DRAKE LOVES HER NEIGHBORS

Give me a break, It sad and its a mess and I will help the in the areas where I can see people trying to help themselves. But I will not help gang members be relocated to another city....If the shoot at a police officer they should be shoot, If they shoot at a gardsman the same.....There should be NO TOLERANCE for this trpe of behavior. I'd sound like a racist if I said this is WHY they needed a master....

What do you really think, Massa?

By the way, you will note she left a phone number. Except, true to form for people like her (although it could be a 'him,' come to think of it), a search of directory listings turns up a completely different name. But did you expect someone using the occasion of a major tragedy to spew racial hatred to start telling the truth?

Me neither.

NOTHING LIKE A MAJOR DISASTER TO MAKE A GUY HORNY

Any college students want to come stay in NYC for a few days? - 20
Reply to: anon-94749556@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-09-01, 8:58AM CDT

18-21 college students who need a place to crash and get away from the south for a few days, e-mail me a picture and your situation. I want to help.

this is in or around Lower Manhattan

Things that never change: the sun rises, the sun sets, and you can't get Katrina Sex via Craigslist without a recent photo.

WHY I FEAR MANEATING ANIMALS
Lions and tigers and bears... Oh. My.

(via Fark)