ABSOLUTE POWER CORRUPTS ABSOLUTELY
I am positively giddy! And I am not the type of man who does 'giddy.'

Earlier today, I was contacted by a blogger who had a dilemma. Said blogger works in one of those boring offices where blogs are blocked because *cough* somebody *cough* did some unimaginable thing at that workplace in the past... and by 'unimaginable,' I mean he was probably reading blogs for 9 hours a day, which is just ridiculous, because who would let blog-reading interfere with Happy Hour? That is truly unimaginable.

Anyway, the poor young blogger -- not the abuser; the one with the dilemma -- had an update all ready to post, but no way to post it. He sounded very sad, so I offered to help him on my cigarette break way to Happy Hour lunch hour. To help him, though, I needed his Login ID and password.

I think you know where I'm going with this.

In theory, I could be very, very mischievous, couldn't I? How strong is my willpower, anyway? I guess a certain blogger will soon find out...

ACCURACY IN MEDIA
There's a very funny joke in here. Somewhere.

Oh, and I'm 35. For the record.

::SCREAM::
Good lord! Stop it! Stop it now! If I have to hear about Gene Shalit one more fucking time I'm going to snap! Are we going to be talking about this until 2036?!

Rant over. Back to work, everyone.

RANDOM THOUGHTS ON THE SAG AWARDS
Okay, I am still totally slammed at work, and when I'm not slammed at work, I'm at home being slammed by the book. Writing ain't easy, kids. I don't care what James Frey tells you.

But I did happen to catch a few minutes of the Screen Actors Guild award show last night. My thoughts.

1. Did you see the look on Felicity Huffman's face? Not when they announced her nomination for TransAmerica, but when the camera cut to her as Reese Witherspoon walked to the stage to collect the award? Oh, Felicity, you already won one award last night! Don't be a piggy.

2. Heath Ledger: idiot? Or drunk? Discuss.

3. I don't care what they say: I did not see Philip Seymour Hoffman shape-shift. What a disappointment.

More tomorrow, I hope. This 'working all the live-long day' rut I've fallen into is getting old.

I FEEL YOUR DISAPPOINTMENT
I know, I know... it's as if I'm on hiatus again. Sorry I haven't been able to entertain you this week, but my work obligations have been staggering. I mean, you wouldn't want the quality of life in Midtown Manhattan to suffer just for your blog amusement, would you?

Oh. Well, get over yourself.

Let's make a deal. I promise to spend this weekend working my not-inconsiderable ass off on Book Number 3 this weekend, and -- with some solid accomplishments behind me -- I'll try to make next week's reading worth it. And -- hey! -- we have the Oscar nominations coming out next week. How much fun will that be for us?

Speaking of the new book -- When the Stars Come Out -- the crack team at my publishing house has already printed the book jacket. Here is a very bad scan of the front cover and spine, for your viewing pleasure.



If it looks familiar, well... it's supposed to.

Okay, gotta run. Happy Hour at Posh beckons. Until next week...

GAYS AGAINST GLAAD
J'accuse! I hereby charge the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) with anti-gay behavior.

Ummm... again.

I had a whole rant written, then realized that I did it so much better one year ago. Go read the list of GLAAD Media Award nominees -- Dr. Phil? WTF? -- then read last year's tirade.

Yes, once again the closest GLAAD comes to touching on literature is the Comic Book category, and while I agree that strip where Dagwood and Herb went fishing up at Brokeback was powerful, the men and women idiots at GLAAD really owe it to their constituents and credibility to aim a little higher.

Remember, GLAAD: books help form opinions, challenge orthodoxy, and change lives, too. And maybe if you folks read one some day, you'd realize that.

ANOTHER THING I DON'T WANT TO HEAR COME FROM YOUR MOUTH
From Mason's Ghey Tales from the Chocolate Starfish:

Hey.....have you all heard of these guys? The Mischievious Boys??
(Pronounced as "mis-chee-vee-uhs" with four syllables)

Dear Reader, if I ever see you misspell the word 'mischievous,' and subsequently pronounce it 'mischievious,' I will cut out your tongue.

I'm serious about this. Every time I hear someone say 'mischievious,' it sends my into a blind, homicidal rage. And I hear it far too often; once would be enough, but 'mischievous' doesn't seem to be a word some people can wrap their heads around. So now you've been warned: stop it.

Same thing with the 't' in often. But you already know that.

RIDE'EM, COWBOYS
So I finally saw Brokeback Mountain this weekend. I thought it was well-acted, beautiful to look at, and just about as interesting as a slow-moving, emotion-driven vehicle with mellow, twangy music, sheep, and a harmonica could ever hope to be. I also agree with the Conventional Wisdom that Heath Ledger deserves all kinds of awards, because no one ever has portrayed 20 years of sullen mumbling like he did, and no one ever will.

But I think I missed something, because I didn't leave the theater emotionally shaken, and the movie didn't haunt me in my dreams. I didn't shed a tear, or feel ill, or get angry. In fact, my only real visceral reaction was to cringe every time I saw Jake Gyllenhall's mustache in the film's third act. Hey there, Jack Twist, get many Village People jokes there in Texas?

My question is this: am I a bad person for simply appreciating Brokeback Mountain as a movie, instead of as an experience? Unlike most of you, I am old enough to somewhat relate to that era (if not the setting), but it just didn't touch me that deeply. Don't get me wrong... it did touch me. But only as a character study of two deeply flawed men who were trapped and ultimately destroyed by circumstances, some of their own making. It didn't touch me the way it seems to have touched so many others -- older and young alike -- leaving them emotionally raw and fragile, and with a conviction that Brokeback Mountain is not only the best picture ever, but also perhaps the only reason to live.

Oh wait. That's just Towleroad.

Maybe I'm just a heartless bastard. Eh, you'll get over it.

Can I add one more thing? (Too late!) I think the whole anti-Gene Shalit backlash of recent weeks was extreme overkill, but after seeing this movie I have to ask what the fuck he was thinking. He's just Gene Shalit, so it's not worth all the hyperbolic attention he received, but characterizing Gyllenhall's Jack Twist as a 'sexual predator' was a bit ridiculous. If he must be scorned, scorn him for being an idiot.

BECKY SCANNED IT SO I DON'T HAVE TO



Quick! Go run over to InsightOut Books, become a member, and get the very cool Calendar of Days, edited by Greg Herren and featuring insight and witticism from some of your favorite writers, including Becks, Teej (who writes all about alcohol and procrastination, which I had a very hard time understanding), and, uh... oh yes: me!

Not to mention this guy.

Look, I'm not going to make you buy anything else until When the Stars Come Out is published in September, so just do it, 'kay?

SPEECHLESS



This is the story. And look! It even blogs!

(Via Fark)

ENTER: BETTY APPLEWHITE, WEARING THE 'MISS ILLINOIS' SASH
With Mike Delfino as host and Mary Alice Young as a judge, what could possibly go wrong at this year's Miss America pageant?

WAIT! WHAT?!
Alex Balk is TMFTML?! I thought he wrote Gothamist!

I really have to start keeping up.

AT LEAST THEY'RE CONSISTENT
Or, how should one describe Philip Seymour Hoffman's performance in Capote?

WATCHING Philip Seymour Hoffman (big head, big body, big deep voice) embody Truman Capote (small head, small body, bizarre baby voice) in "Capote," you want to throw every acting award there is at him and maybe a couple of Olympic medals, too. What concentration! What shape shifting!

The New York Times
January 15, 2006

Or maybe like this:

The "Capote" preview is shrewdly effective, too, although the movie's selling point would have been obvious even to a student of "Marketing for Dummies": Philip Seymour Hoffman's shape-shifting embodiment of Truman Capote. (He and Mr. Ledger are considered locks on best-actor nominations.)

The New York Times
January 15, 2006

Philip Seymour Hoffman: the shape-shiftiest actor of our generation. And if you doubt it, the Times will just keep telling that to you until you give in.

TMI TUESDAY
So I decided to do a little body maintenance this weekend.

Got a little too enthusiastic with the trimmer.

No; got a lot too enthusiastic with the trimmer.

Sigh.

Oh well. I suppose I can still date Catholic priests.

SHE'LL BE BACK
Next time: as Mrs. Butterworth!

(via Drudge, but don't make me admit that)

TIME TO THROW DOWN WITH JAY LENO
See what happens? You let ol' lantern jaw get away with it once, and he does it again. Thank God I drink a lot, and therefore don't need his show to help me pass out fall asleep, because who knows how many times he's ripped me off?

Refresher: TRL three days ago. Offense: Leno last night.

LIFE IMITATES HITCHCOCK
So it seems that our ancestors were once hunted by birds. Fascinating. I guess I'll have to cross 'kicking at pigeons' off my list of acceptable pastimes, 'cause their revenge would be a bitch.

Favorite quote:

Berger concluded man's ancestors had to survive not just being hunted from the ground, but from the air. Such discoveries are "key to understanding why we humans today view the world they way we do," he said.

We view the world the way we do because birds used to rip open our skulls? Huh. I just thought I was keeping a vigilant eye on the sky to avoid their droppings.

FIRST ACCOMPLISHMENT OF 2006
Remember how I broke my archives when I changed my template back last July?

I finally fixed them!

Now you can once again pass the time with 30 months worth of Byrnesian (Byrnesesque?) thoughts and wisdom.

Yes, life is very good...

IT'S A TOUGH QUESTION, BUT SOMEONE'S GOTTA ASK IT
You've all seen this, right?


And I assume you've also seen the uniform reaction:

"Yes! The hottest baby ever is coming"
[Jossip]

"Angelina Jolie Pregnant With Brad Pitt’s Sexiest Baby Alive"
[Gawker]

"Certain To Be More Gorgeous Than the TomKitten"
[The Malcontent]

Now, I hate to be the one to throw cold water on all this 'hot baby' chatter, but I want everyone to take a step back. Are we sure Brad is the father? Are we sure he's not covering for a deeply disturbing scandal? Are we sure that the baby's daddy isn't...
Not such a pretty picture anymore, is it? Sorry about all the sleep you're about to lose, but someone had to raise the issue.

I GUESS I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE WITH A NINE-TO-FIFTH JOB

Study: 7 percent of workers drink on the job

Bloody Mary? Sure!

FREY... LEROY... BYRNES?
You've probably heard speculation that Famous Author Rob Byrnes is a fabrication, just like James Frey's memoirs and JT LeRoy's, uh... JT LeRoydom. We I want to assure you that we are I am, in fact, a real human being. While we I know that it's tempting to be cynical, we I encourage you to keep your faith alive. Just because you haven't actually seen us me doesn't mean I don't exist.

Yes, we've I've head the rumors: I'm Greg Herren or Timothy J. Lambert or Becky Cochrane or Joel Derfner, writing under an alias and further covering our my trail by using photographs of an impossibly handsome model. But those are just rumors. We I do all my own writing, and the images on this site are really us me. It pains us me that people would say otherwise, but -- in these days of massive literary deception -- we I can understand your doubt.

In closing, thank you for your faith and trust. We I truly appreciate it, and promise to never let you down.

Sincerely,

--Paul

LEAD US NOT TO TEMPTATION
Due to an acquaintance's e-mail error, I now have Sarah Jessica Parker's e-mail address.

So do I use my new knowledge for good? Or for evil?

Decisions, decisons...

In other news, since this has been inexplicably stuck in my head for the past 24 hours (don't ask; I do not know the answer), I thought I'd share with the class. Enjoy!

Hmmm. I wonder if SJP would like me to send her that link...

PUBLISHING NEWS
1. This is just plain wrong. By the way, who told Teddy Kennedy that it was a good idea to name his dog 'Splash'?

2. This is kind of funny. Well, it is to me. Dumbass.

3. This is good news. And I love the cover art.

4. And how are things going with my third novel, contractually due on my editor's desk in six days? Thanks for asking! But I hope you won't mind if I don't answer...

COVETING THE SWEET, SWEET NECTAR OF FAME
I know that yesterday I promised to mock the Bloggie Awards, but -- on reflection -- I think I was rash. Why, you ask? Because rather than mock the Bloggies, I think I should win one, instead.

No, not Best GLBT Weblog. Not even Best Asian Weblog. I think I should be nominated for the best of the best: Best Tagline of a Weblog.

Okay, so now that I've made a plan, here is how you can implement it. Go to 6th Annual Bloggie Awards page (that would be where the link goes, for those of you who aren't techies), scroll down roughly 40% of the page, and when you reach the box for Best Tagline nominees, type in:

Nominee: Famous Author Rob Byrnes

URL: http://robnyc.blogspot.com

Tagline: Looking Better Than Jan-Michael Vincent Did At This Age Since 2003

Then click on 'submit,' and we're in business.

And I promise not to forget the little people when I'm even more famouser!

Hey! Campaigning for a blogging award can be fun!!

WELL, THERE GOES THAT RESOLUTION...
I didn't want to get all nit-picky and pedantic about 365gay.com so early in the year, especially after my relaxing 6-week hiatus. But then I read this:

The Pima County Board of Supervisors voted to appoint her to the District 28 Senate seat vacated by the resignation of Gabrielle Giffords. He's running for the Congressional seat being vacated by gay retiring longtime Rep. Jim Kolbe.

And I thought...

'He'? Gabrielle Giffords is a 'he'?

But you know me. I am a fair man, and was quite willing to believe that 365gay.com nailed this one, and that Gabrielle Giffords was merely a poor man suffering from A Boy Named Sue Syndrome. Until, that is, I used that new-fangled Google thingie, and, well...

Maybe Gabrielle is a cross-dresser. Must. Remain. Fair. To. 365gay.com.

Idiots!

There! I said it. Only January 4 and already the bitch is back! And that's good timing, too, because it's almost time for the Bloggies, a.k.a. the Blogger Special Olympics.

Heh. This could provide better fodder than The Apprentice!



UPDATE: The Etidors at 365gay caught the error shortly after I posted this entry. That seems to happen a lot. And, yes, I am beginning to think that they expect me to do all their work for them. Ah well... it was still funny and stupid, and that's all that matters.

COME STRAIGHT TO THE SOURCE

From the Department of Self-Explanatory Referrers.

Sorry. I'm taking my secrets to the grave.

UPDATE: Bad referrer! Bad!!!

A LITTLE BLOGGER GOSSIP
Okay, so here's the deal. Last night I was treated to some blogger gossip, and I want to share. Unfortunately, the blogger in question says he isn't going to write about it on his own blog, which I suppose I should consider being sworn to de facto secrecy. Dammit.

Fortunately, I think I can wiggle around this and protect the anonymity of the bloggers in question. You see, this story involves a traffic, um, incident, and -- as someone who was honored with a parade by the New York State Police Federation when I moved to Manhattan and sold my car -- I'm confident that I am uniquely qualified to recount the, um, incident.

THE SCENE: Monday night, on an icy highway somewhere north of New York City
THE PLAYERS: Blogger One (driving), Blogger Two and two non-bloggers (passengering)

BLOGGER ONE: I think I will drive very fast and risk everyone's lives on this icy, teacherous road!
CAR: Vrrrrooooooooom!! Vrrrrrrooooooom!!
BLOGGER TWO: Slow down!
CAR: VRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!

CAR: slides on ice and makes seven 360-degree circles at 96 miles per hour

ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

CAR: smacks into guard rail

BLOGGER TWO: That was cl---

CAR: slides back onto icy roadway and makes another seven high-speed circles

ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
BLOGGER TWO: We're gonna die!

CAR: smacks into guard rail

BLOGGER TWO: That was cl--

CAR: careens back across roadway, barely missing other speeding vehicles, before running off other side of road and down snowy embankment

ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

CAR: slides back up embankment, under bed of speeding semi, and begins spinning again on the icy roadway

BLOGGER TWO: Make it stop!!!!

CAR: slides off to median, where it comes to crashing stop against concrete barrier

BLOGGER TWO: Oh my God--

CAR: slides back toward icy roadway, then stops. It was just teasing

BLOGGER TWO: I'm going to start going to church.

BLOGGER ONE: You think I can drive this back to New York?

I know you'd like to know who the bloggers are, but -- like I wrote -- I'm sworn to secrecy. You can probably guess who Blogger Two is, though. His hair turned completely white and he now wears a St. Christopher medal.

Oh, and if you're looking for a moral to this story, get real. This is TRL: The Rob Log, not Davey and Goliath.

YOU SAY YOU WANT A RESOLUTION
Welcome to 2006! And how did that happen already?

The upcoming year offers great opportunity for personal development and growth, and it should be interesting for the rest of us, too. In the time-honored tradition of content-challenged bloggers everywhere, I would like to share my resolutions for the next 12 months.

1. Drink less bad wine.
2. Drink more cheap scotch.
3. Live up to my Search Engine Reputation, Part 1.
4. Go straight home after work. Maybe some day in May.
5. Ease up on 365gay.com and Advocate.com.
6. Unless they screw up.
7. Live up to my Search Engine Reputation, Part 2.
8. Be kind to other bloggers.
9. Except in private e-mails with MAK.
10. Patch things up with Cumming.
11. Stop answering all that Cialis spam.
12. Live up to my Search Engine Reputation, Part 3.
13. Recognize that the world is not my personal playground, and that I have a responsibility to behave in a mature and considerate manner when dealing with other people.
14. Sort of ignore Resolution #14, 'cause that would be no fun.
15. Live up to my Search Engine Reputation, Part 4.
16. Eat grilled cheese and bacon sandwiches at least 182 times during the year.
17. Finish writing my third novel before it is supposed to be on the bookshelves.
18. Gain an appreciation for poetry. (And, hey, I might as well gain an appreciation for sticking needles in my eyes while I'm at it, right? Christ, why don't I just start going to the ballet? Heh. Okay... forget this resolution. It sucks.)
19. Stop talking about going to the gym and actually do it.
20. Borrow a lot of money from friends without even considering repayment. (Special Encore Resolution from 1978 through 2005, because when something works, you should stick with it!)
21. Finally finish my '100 Things' list.

Ahhh... I feel more resolute already. Okay, 2006, I'm ready. Bring it on, bitch!