FEBRUARY TRIVIALITY BEGINS TOMORROW
Come play with us, fools!

Oh -- and congratulations to Jimbosea206, January's winner. The parade line forms here.

Not that I did so bad myself. For once. I'm Number Two! I'm Number Two!

I CN HAZ...?



(Via Fark)

FLASH FORWARD
Wonder what the presidential candidates will look like in four years? Right here.

PERP WALK OF THE DAY
"Allentown man charged in two homicides"

TO SLEEP, PERCHANCE...?
You know what sucks? Waking up at 3:30 AM and not being able to get back to sleep.

You know what sucks even more? When it happens several times a week.

I think I am internalizing too many issues. Family health problems... the looming deadline for my next book... a bunch of random small things that, together, feel much bigger...

I guess I'll just have to drink more. It's nice to know there's always an easy solution.

FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY!

When Hobson was 12, the mild-mannered baker who owned the shop was arrested and convicted of hunting down and murdering women. Hobson was stunned to discover he had eaten so many pastries baked by a killer... "It was creepy and fascinating," said Hobson. "He looked normal. Isn't that what everybody says?"

Mmmmkay.

(Via Fark)

THE TOWN SO NICE THEY MISSPELLED IT TWICE
Reporteth the Q-Word:



Sigh...

THIS BLOG AIN'T GOT NO READERS BLUES
[To the tune of whatever tune you want. I am not responsible for your earworms. But this is as good a time as any to mention that for the past several days, apropos of nothing, the greatest hits of The Little River Band have been playing in my head. Especially "Cool Change." It came out of nowhere! How strange is that? In any event, that's not the blues, so don't let that be your earworm. Okay, so on to the lyrics:]

Started up a blog
back in 2003;
Didn't care who read it,
'cause I wrote it just for me.
Okay, I know that's a cliche,
So don't e-mail me that news --
(Oh, wait, you shouldn't use 'cliche'
in lyrics for the blues.)

Anyway, the years flew past,
Some readers came and stayed;
Mocked Queerty and the Advocate,
And, yeah, the New York Blade.
Had some Sid-O-Rama drama,
Posted naked pics of MAK;
But now my site statistics say
them readers, they ain’t comin’ back.

So how come no one’s comin’ back?
Please someone, give me clues;
Tell me, ‘cause I’m tired of singing those
This Blog Ain’t Got No Readers Blues.

~~

Used to get some comments,
Now there’s hardly any there,
Used to get some Gawker links
But the Gawker folks no longer care.
I should feel a little hurt,
And more than a little pissed,
This blog is so pathetic, that
It’s even dissed by Gothamist.

Could they all have just got bored
With my nights of cigarettes and booze?
Then I’ll rehab, ‘cause I’m tired of singing those
This Blog Ain’t Got No Readers Blues.

[harmonica solo]

~~

Some say I’m not for everyone,
Some tell me I’m too mean,
But you’d be mean, if you’d seen and done
The things I’ve done and seen.
And anyway, this blog is tame,
That’s not a lie or tall tale;
It’s only ten percent as mean
As I can get in e-mail

I promise not to faint or die
When you give me the bad news;
But I need to know, I’m tired of singing those
This Blog Ain’t Got No Readers Blues


Ah, fuck it. I got yer weekend earworm right here:

IN CASE OF EMERGENCY
Since it is now established that I Am Going to Die, a few things need to be addressed. Several years ago, I was kind enough to post a copy of my living will, so that you'd know what to do when my time came (which reminds me... gotta rewrite it to reflect that little Anna Nicole misfortune. Who saw that coming?!)

But that guy... that guy... uh... damn, I keep forgetting his name! You know, the only person who died in recent memory... oh, it's on the tip of my tongue... man, this is making me crazy! Would someone ask the kids at Towleroad? They'll probably remember.

Anyway, in reading the articles about whatsisname, it occured to me that there was one matter I had not taken into consideration: the names of people to be contacted in case of emergency. I am sure that most people, in a panic, would just call 911, but most people do not understand the lives of the rich and famous Famous.

For your future reference, this is the mindset shared by Famous people like me and whatsisname: paramedics are sort of icky; Olsens Twins are not. Evidence: Ben Kingsley has never frenched a paramedic.

So if you happen to come across my dead or dying body, please immediately contact these people in the following order:

1. Teri Garr
2. Cher
3. Ben Kingsley, c/o Mary-Kate Olsen
4. Hannah Montana
5. Abe Vigoda, c/o Mary-Kate Olsen
6. The Hoff
7. Chuck Norris
8. Balk, because he's all about the Radar exclusive
9. Jack Nicholson, who warned me
10. 911 Operators

It would be probably be helpful if you print out two copies, carry one in your wallet, and keep the other in a safe place. Because the clock is ticking...

OH GOOD LORD
From Gawker:

Perhaps you've been lucky enough never to have a friend or family member die young, commit suicide, or suffer from a fatal addiction, but that doesn't mean you have to rub your soulessness, sociopathy and inability to love in our faces. True, Heath Ledger was and is a celebrity, and that gives the American people the god given right to mock his wardrobe and his recent choice of girlfriends. But sometiems we forget that while celebrities are celebrities in life, they are ordinary people in death. They leave behind grieving families, and in the case of Heath, a two-year-old daughter. The fact that Heath starred in The Patriot (which rules) and lived a glamorous life does not make his death glamorous. It makes his death sad. And it makes you tipsters assholes.

The past 24 hours of Gawker by the numbers:

* Number of Posts About Heath Ledger: 21
* Number of Posts Allegedly from Outside the Death Scene: 5
* Number of Posts Speculating About Suicide: 7 (minimum)

Kids, if you're all about wringing ad revenue from Heath Ledger's cold corpse, have a ball. But please don't lecture anyone else about what's appropriate or decent. Your hypocrisy is more than a little bit glaring.



UPDATE: The Gawker post has been deleted. Buh-bye!

BREAKING NEWS: FAMOUS AUTHOR ROB BYRNES IS GOING TO DIE!!!
It's true. Sad, but true. And not to sound too self-centered, but this is especially sad to me.

When the time comes, I would like coverage on every blog... although I will settle for every gay blog. And HuffPo. And Radar.

Oh, and I would like each blog entry to have 128 comments, too. I don't particularly care that many of the comments will be clueless... all I ask is that they reflect pure anguish, and that the commenters mention all my best attributes, even if the commenters have to make them up based on whatever they have gleaned from my blog, or my books, or clueless comments made by other clueless commenters.

And I think I sort of deserve an around-the-clock correspondent or two or three from Gawker, too. From death rattle to toe-tag to autopsy to cremation to launch of the ashes into space.

Also, people who have never met me should stand outside Therapy and hug and cry. Because when tragedies of this magnitude happen, that is an appropriate response. A presidential assassination... 9/11... the death of a celebrity you don't know... these are the times when strangers must console each other on the streets, holding each other tightly as their bodies are wracked by sobs.

And if it's not too much to ask, could the Westboro Baptist Church picket my funeral? God hates Fag Famous Authors, too, you know. Plus, then there could be another round of blog entries, each with 128 comments!

I figure that 65% of my life expectancy is pretty much gone, and this could very well happen sooner rather than later. In other words, it's not too early to start preparing for the end. Because Famous Author Rob Byrnes is going to die, and I want the world ready to mourn appropriately.

Hear what I'm saying, Drudge and Perez? Good.

END OF A SLOW NEWS DAY
Tuesday, January 22, 2008: the day nothing happened in the economy, or the presidential race, or Hollywood awards, or celebrity tragedies.

Thank God I had my Q-Tip story to share, or the entire blogosphere would have died of boredom.

De nada.

ROCHESTER, NY GIVES THE WORLD THE LOVELIEST MUGSHOTS
Remember this guy? Well, now meet this guy!

Every now and then, someone will ask me if I'm ever going to return to my hometown. From now on, I'll just send them these links and let them figure that our for themselves.

AND SPEAKING OF THE Q-WORD...
The Brain Trust seems to be under the misimpression that Larry Craig is a member of the Idaho State Senate:

Can you believe it?! Idaho - home to toilet trolling Senator Larry Craig - may soon debate a gay inclusive non-discrimination bill.... We simply can’t wait to hear how Craig votes - not that we’re expecting much...

I'm glad everyone seems to have their Stupid up and running at full speed. I was getting bored.

WHY PEOPLE DON'T READ
So that they can avoid inanity like this.

I lost ten IQ points just by reading all the way to the end. This guy definitely has an internship with Queerty in his future.

P.S.: Charlie Chaplain? Sigh...

NEW TRENDS OBSERVED: PARTY SWABBING
So to honor the memory of Dr. Martin Luther King, on Sunday night the boyfriend and I invited fourteen or fifteen people to our apartment for binge drinking. (Note: one of them was African-American, so we did, indeed, do our part to promote racial harmony.)

Like any civilized people, we cleaned the hell out of the place before our guests arrived, because pretending you don't ordinarily have laundry and coffee cups strewn throughout the apartment is the only polite thing to do. If we wanted outsiders to know how we really live, we'd be in relationships with them. Am I right?

Anyway, since we thoroughly cleaned then removed all trash from the premises, I was taken aback the next morning to find...

...a half-dozen Q-Tips in the bathroom wastepaper basket.

Have I missed something? Is there a use for cotton swabs that I'm not cool enough to know about? Or is it now considered acceptable to go to a party and clean your ears?

Eh. I'm just glad I thought to put away my toothbrush before the guests arrived...

ONCE IS MORE THAN ENOUGH
Clone-worthy:



Not clone-worthy:


Now that these rules have been established, I think it's time for a do-over.

THE ODD COUPLE
Last night an invitation to Garden State Equality's (because I am a New Jersey resident, of course) "2008 Legends Dinner" arrived in my in-box. And something immediately jumped out at me.



Carla Katz? As in the ex-girlfriend of current New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine?

Mark O'Donnell? As in the current boyfriend of former New Jersey Governor The Gay American?

I think my new state is a bit too incestuous.

NEWS I CAN USE
This is not quite as exciting as the time Sarah Jessica Parker's e-mail address accidentally showed up in my in-box, but I'm keeping a copy of the image.

You never know when I'll want to drop a quick note to Morgan Fairchild.*


* - Fifth row from the top. See the trouble and eyestrain I save you?

QUIZ O' THE DAY

What is your political ideology? Your Result: Liberal   This quiz has categorised you as a Liberal. You believe in the role of the government to fight poverty, both by means of welfare programs, and economic regulation. You are defined as a progressive in the US, but you are generally favouring of the retention of the current social paradigm.
Social Democrat
Libertarian
Conservative
Communist/Radical Left
Fascist/Radical Right
What is your political ideology? Make Your Own Quiz

(Via This Guy)

HOUSEKEEPING
Look at me! Blog entries on two consecutive days! I feel like Andy Towle! Except for, you know, the readership.

Anyway, after months of neglect I got rid of a bunch of links to dead blogs. (I know I never got around to this in your lifetimes, but goodbye ChrisB, Joel, Christopher, and Miss Wanton!) I also changed a blog name, mostly because I didn't want anyone to think that a link to Useless! Worthless! Insipid! was meant as a comment on Mike's relatively newly-renamed Epenthesis Enterprises.

And even though I know a number of the remaining sites on my blogroll have either de-linked me or never linked to me, I am a forgiving person and will let things stay as they are. But, yes, I know who you are.

One final tweak to the template: I pulled the writers off the main blogroll and gave them their own special blogroll. My rule for this is predictably arbitrary, but basically it goes like this: if you're a writer and we're friends (or at least friendly. Ish) and you blog, I will link to your blog. My inclination is not to link to static homepages... but never say never. If we can't stand each other or if you've said bad things about me and I've caught you in the act, well... I think we know how that will end. Also, everyone knows that you're wrong and hates you. Die, loser.

Since I haven't cleaned things up in a while, I'm certain to have missed some things. When I get the chance, I'll play around in Technorati and my site stats and look for incoming links I'm missing. In the meantime, if you think I should be linking to you, or if I'm missing some random writer, or both, drop me an e-mail.

HIGH SCORE WINS
Can you top my 21 points? And, if so, will you admit it?

Take a step back, Britney and LiLo. This quiz is for mere mortals.


(Via This Guy)

AFTER RICHARDSON
Okay, as I noted last week, my favorite candidate dropped out of the 2008 presidential race. Since some of you encouraged me to support another candidate in the comments -- forgetting the cash bribe, unfortunately -- I thought I'd throw the question out to the entire class.

And I've added a few new options. Remember how FAJR and I were going to run as a team? Yeah, that was a great idea of mine that sort of got forgotten... but it's never too late to revive the ticket and storm the convention. Also, now that Faustus has turned legal (and belated Happy Birthday, old guy!) he's edging toward a formal announcement.

Now that my neglect has pretty much caused this blog's readership to dwindle to nothing -- by the way, that is not false modesty -- your vote counts more than ever. So click away! Early and often, et cetera, et cetera...

Click Here to take survey

WAIT! WHAT? I HAVE A BLOG?
Uh... I know it's been a while, but I have nothing to say. Uh... Happy New Year?

All is well. But over the past several months I have been trying to refocus my energy toward the day job. Not that it was ever neglected, but professional expectations keep increasing, and those expectations must be met.

Also, I have less than usual to say. Chalk that up to my post-holiday, peace-and-goodwill frame of mind. I know you expect me to, say, trash Queerty, but I'm just not in the mood. I am sure they are committing egregious sins against the English language and maturity even as I type this, but I can't bring myself to call them on it... meaning, obviously, that I can't bring myself to read that site.

Maybe next week.

Perhaps the only piece of news here is that my preferred candidate for the Democratic nomination for president -- New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson -- has unsurprisingly dropped out of the race. Therefore, I am an undecided voter.

Official representatives of the other candidates are encouraged to contact me with bribes and fawning praise in advance of the February 5 New Jersey primary. Thank you.