Tuesday, April 20, 2004

BLOGS THAT MAKE YOU GO HMMMM
Have you ever stumbled across someone's web log and couldn't stop reading? No, not because it was witty and clever and insightful; because it was this big ol' trainwreck of a site full of raw emotion, mad ramblings, and -- best of all -- a complete lack of discretion.

Sort of like if Anne Heche had a blog. And if she was a gay man. When it wasn't necessarily convenient. And for an extended period of time.

No? Well if you do, feel free to tell me about it. As for me, I'm keeping my own counsel on this matter.

HOW DO YOU SOLVE A PROBLEM LIKE G. W.?

GOD STILL HATES SHRIMP, SINNERS!
Remember this? Only Connect took it a step further a while ago, and visited a Christian chat room to spread the word. Hilarity ensued.
(Via Sixth Borough)

Monday, April 19, 2004

IT'S ALMOST LIKE A REAL BOOK!
How cool. A few minutes ago, someone from Kensington popped into my office with a copy of Trust Fund Boys. Hot off the presses... final... no changes allowed... this is what the world will see on the shelves in just a few short weeks...

Yay!

On a related note, remember that I'm reading at the Ding Dong Lounge Wednesday night with authors Bart Yates and Tom Dolby, who have written two of the most well-received pieces of gay fiction in recent years. Details are in the sidebar. If you can make it, say hi. (And, no, I still haven't decided what I'm going to read. Stop pressuring me!!)

MEANWHILE, IN OUR NATION'S CAPITOL, THE INTELLECTUAL CONVERSATION CONTINUED TO FLOW LIKE OAKY CHARDONNAY THIS PAST WEEKEND...
Bradykins: Straight Friend from Wyoming #1, SFfW #2, this is my boyfriend, Rob.
SFfW #2: Nice to meet you, Rob. Maybe you can answer a question Bradykins won't answer for us.
Rob: Which is...?
Bradykins and SFfW #1: (Oh dear...)
SFfW #2: Which one of you is the pitcher, and which one is the catcher?
Rob: ...
...
...
SFfW #2: You aren't sure?
Rob: No, I'm sure. Let's just say that we're both shortstops, and leave it at that.

Friday, April 16, 2004

'THE L WORD: THE NEXT GENERATION'
I know this isn't funny -- really, I know it, so don't leave nasty comments -- but exactly how much drama do these people need in their lives? Sheesh... they make me and my friends look like the Cleavers.

Lesbian Survives West Village Assault

And Susan Brownmiller somehow gets involved, too? Heh. Too juicy to resist! I can't wait for the movie...

Wednesday, April 14, 2004

IMMEDIATE NEEDS
One of you must get over to my office and work these knots out of my back immediately. Manhattan. Third Avenue. East Fifties. You can see me at my desk from the sidewalk across the street. Wave, and I'll let you into the office.

See you in a few...

SANTORUM WAS RIGHT

(Egregiously stolen -- Santorum joke and all -- from Wonkette)

Tuesday, April 13, 2004

E-MAIL WITH MY ROOMMATE, VOLUME WHATEVER
Or, Yes, TRL Is Turning Into TMFTML

Rob: Did Bradykins call last night after I went to bed?
Roommate: Yes, He wanted to know where you were.
Rob: He knew where I was. We talked an hour earlier.
Roommate: I told him you were asleep.
Rob: He knew that. Little drunkard.
Roommate: Him? Me? You? Or all three of us?
Rob: Him. You and I are big drunkards.
Roommate: We sure as shit were last night.
Rob: Were you drunk last night? I was too drunk to notice.

DOES THIS SECOND CHIN MAKE ME LOOK FAT?
I was a fat boy growing up. In fact, I was a fat boy until I was almost thirty. I'm just a sliver over six feet tall, and at one point I tipped the scales at 230. That might look fine on some steroid-pumped muscle man, but it just looks like, well, a lot of fat on a frame that hadn't been in a gym since escaping the state-mandated high school phys ed requirement.

But around the time I was bearing down on my thirtieth birthday -- a time when I was also coming out and embracing my Inner 'Mo -- I started dropping weight. It was actually fairly easy... so easy, in fact, that I'll share my tips with you:

1. Beer is more fattening than scotch. (That may not be technically true, but scotch gets you drunker on less, so it still works.)

2. Alcohol suppresses your appetite. The key to weight loss is a healthy diet.

3. If you have a limited back account, get your priorities straight: Food costs money and alcohol costs money. You can only choose one. Choose wisely.

(Damn, this is starting to sound like TMFTML... I'd better move on.)

So I got my weight more or less under control, down into the 180-185 range. So far, so good. Then, yet another decade later, I finally started hitting the gym. I did gain a tiny bit of muscle, of course, but -- on the scale -- it was more than offset by the fat I lost doing cardio. Which was fine with me. Cardio is crucially important if you don't have any immediate plans to quit drinking and smoking.

But a new problem developed: at 165 pounds, people told me I looked too thin. And let me tell you: my ego is too fragile to absorb frequent references to Skeletor.

The sad fact is that when I try to create a leaner body for myself, my face develops a jawline and cheekbones that could cut paper. But putting on weight for a fuller, more healthy-looking face means that I'll also be putting on weight for a fuller, more... uh... comfortable butt. (And kids, let me assure you that even under the best circumstances, I don't have a lot of leeway there if I'm ever going to see a beach again and not get harpooned.)

So here's my dilemma: I've now been out of the gym habit for a while, but I'm thinking of going back. Do I go, and be healthy? Or do I stay away, and look healthy? Or is there a third option (e.g., grafting my healthy-looking head on Toby's body)?

As always, I eagerly await your advice, which I will then probably ignore.

THE SECRETS OF FAMOUS AUTHOR ROB BYRNES REVEALED!
(Not really. I just liked the sound of it as the title for this entry.)

Thanks to all of you who took the First Official "How Well Do You Know Famous Author Rob Byrnes" Quiz... especially the brave souls who clearly didn't know me at all. Not surprisingly, Michael Vernon scored 100%; since he's frequently in my presence, and therefore frequently hearing about me and my exotic, jet-setting life full of intrigue and fabulousness, anything less would be unacceptable.

Here's a quick recap of the quiz and answers:

1. What city was Rob born in?
The correct answer: Rochester, NY
Almost everyone got this right. Good job. I have actually lived in all four choices (the others were New York City, Albany and Schenectady), so it shows that you've been paying attention. Your score: 86%

2. When he isn't writing wildly popular novels, what is Rob's day job?
The correct answer: President of a not-for-profit corporation
This was another question that almost everyone got right. And the two incorrect answers -- Development Director for a Not-For-Profit and Freelance Technical Writer -- weren't obscenely wrong. Your score: 71%

3. And what about Rob's siblings?
The correct answer: A sister who's a lawyer and a brother who's a doctor
This one was admittedly tougher, since I don't talk about my family all that often. But I have made passing references to both Lawyer Marje and Doctor Tim in the past. Your score: 57%


4. Rob's boyfriend is better known on his blog as:
The correct answer: Bradykins
Sorry, there are no excuses for not knowing about Brady, aka Bradykins. The other options (the HMB, Josita Loca, and Mowgli) are names of exes, and therefore are not mentionable at TRL. Actually, that's not true. Maybe one of these days I'll write a little something on ex-boyfriends, if for no other reason than to explain how they earned their nicknames. Your score: 86%

5. Rob graduated from:
The correct answer: Union College (Schenectady, NY)
Yes, the University of Rochester sounds logical, but I really did spend four years of my life in Schenectady. Your score: 57%

6. His college degree was in:
The correct answer: Political Science
Strangely enough, almost everyone got this one. I suppose the fact that only one person selected English Lit tells me what you think of my writing skills, and the fact that no one chose Computer Science tells me what you think of my web site... *sniff* Your score: 86%

7. The world knows that Rob's novels are THE NIGHT WE MET and the upcoming TRUST FUND BOYS. But in which anthology was he first published:
The correct answer: "Strange Bedfellows"
Wow! You really impressed me by knowing this. Now buy the damn book! Your score: 86%

8. What is Rob's full name?
The correct answer: Robert Charles Byrnes, Jr.
This was a nasty thing I did to you. You had no way of knowing this. And you didn't. Heh. Your score: 14%

9. Drink of choice? Food of choice?
The correct answer: White wine. Food?
There were no truly wrong answers to this question, but there was a truly correct answer. Oh wait, there was a wrong answer: I stopped drinking beer (and everything else carbonated) a long time ago. But red wine and scotch are my back-up drinks; I am very much a white wine sort of guy. For the record, I do eat... but you know how your appetite is suppressed after a few drinks? Yeah? Well, there you go. Your score: 57%

10. And finally, let's talk about fashion. Which of the following groupings are most closely associated with his personal style?
The correct answer: Suits; ties; Ralph Lauren polo ponies; pastels; khakis... in short, WASP City
I own one pair of jeans. I own sweats for the sole purpose of going to the gym. I own no Prada. I would, granted, shop at Barneys and Bloomingdale's if I had the money, but... alas, see the answer to question #2. However, I am the King of Khaki, and my closets are bursting with a rainbow of pastels. And I'm also one of those rare men who looks forward to looping a tie around his neck. You folks seem to know that, too, 'cause... Your Score: 57%

Thanks again for playing, everyone. Michael, you win the new car. The rest of you get Rice-A-Roni, the San Francisco Treat!

Monday, April 12, 2004

DAMN, I'M GOOD
The Boi From Troy-Wonkette Honorariest Homo Poll has come to a close, and, well... I hate to sound immodest, but through the advocacy of the skilled political hands at TRL, John Derbyshire will, in fact, sip the sweet, sweet nectar of victory.

I haven't really spoken to Derb, but I'm bucking for the position of Press Secretary, so I'll just go ahead and speak for him, anyway. We both thank you for recognizing the homo-liness that is the core of Derb: the sodomy-obsessed lover of opera and Ethel Merman.

And since Derb thinks that consensual gay male sex is the same as prison rape, I think it's appropriate to insert (heh heh... I wrote 'insert') what can only be his mug shot here:


See? Internet-based campaigns can work!

THANK GOD IT'S FRIDAY OH GOD IT'S MONDAY
You know what really sucks? How about spending an entire weekend -- a holiday weekend -- working at home. Hours and hours and hours of work.

You know what sucks even more? Getting into the office Monday morning before 7:00 AM only to discover that your computer can't read the disk that holds all that work, and you have to start over from scratch.

Crying...

Saturday, April 10, 2004

I REFUSE TO BE THIS MONTH'S JOE TRIPPI!
Karen Hughes is starting to give the official TRL candidate John Derbyshire a run for his money in the Honorariest Homo Poll. While I admit that Ms. Hughes seems to be particularly, uh, suspect, a little birdie has tipped me off to a web site chock full of Derb quotes that make it clear he is worthy of this title, including:

"Let us consider what is in people's minds - - - when homosexuality is mentioned? Buggery, that's what."
- John Derbyshire, April 25, 2001

"More to the point - - - is a widespread revulsion, found in both genders, all times and all places and cultures,
towards the man who plays the part of a woman."
- John Derbyshire, April 25, 2001

"There is a fundamental human contempt towards a man who permits himself to be penetrated"
- John Derbyshire, April 25, 2001

"Even those penetrations consented to and not forced lower the status of the person so penetrated ...
The penetrator is engaging in an act of domination, desecration and humiliation of another ..."
- John Derbyshire, April 25, 2001

"Women expect a certain amount of penetration as coming with the territory of femaleness ... "
- John Derbyshire, April 25, 2001


Come on, folks, he wrote all these quotes on a single day! Between the quotes and this picture

isn't this the man you'd like to see wearing the Honorary Homo Tiara? Karen Hughes was never so deserving!

Once again, vote Derb! NOW!

Friday, April 09, 2004

DERBYSHIRE WINS!!
Exciting news from Boi From Troy land: my candidate - National Review's loathesome John Derbyshire - overwhelmingly won the BFT-Wonkette Honorariest Homo Poll in the Wildcard division. Now Derb advances to the finals, where he faces off with Dubya and Karen Hughes.

As Derb's campaign manager, I ask again that you vote early and often. "Honorariest Homo" is a tiara I'm sure Derb will wear proudly. (And if you need any more convincing, read through his March Diary. The guy is not only obsessed with homosexuality, he's an Ethel Merman fan, fer chrissakes!)

Rally 'round the (honorary) fag, kids! Vote Derbyshire!

CALL ME A PRUDE, BUT THIS DOESN'T SOUND LIKE FUN TO ME
A Wayne County woman has been sentenced to three years in prison
for setting a friend on fire in a consensual foreplay act.

Thursday, April 08, 2004

THE MYSTERY OF BARBARA BUSH HAS BEEN SOLVED!
Or has it? Click on the picture... and remember that you read it here first.

(Via Wonkette)

JOHN DERBYSHIRE PROBABLY THOUGHT IT WAS TRUE, TOO
Trustee seeks apology for spoof photo;
Parents opposing a school program used a picture
from a satirical newspaper on their pamphlets.

(Via Fark)

Read the original story here.

And speaking of Derbyshire, remember to vote for him in the Honorary Homo Wildcard Poll.

Wednesday, April 07, 2004

TWO WORDS I NEVER THOUGHT I'D TYPE:
ELECT DERBYSHIRE

For the past week or so, the unholiest alliance since Hitler and Stalin -- none other than Boi From Troy and Wonkette -- have been entertaining the masses and risking libel suits with their "Honorary Homo" polls to determine the gayest-seeming members of (or affiliated with) the Bush Administration. Dubya himself took top honors for the boys, and Karen Hughes just edged Evil Ann Coulter by a whisker for the Sapphic set.

Now comes the fun part: the Honorary Homo Wildcard Poll.

I have taken it upon myself to act as John Derbyshire's campaign manager, because anyone who's such a knee-jerk homophobe must be hiding something. Please -- I'm begging here -- get thee to the Boi's poll and click one for the Derb!

We can win this, TRLers. Derb deserves no less!

Honorary Homo Wildcard Poll

"Jamie laughed. Jamie laughed.
Jamie nodded. Jamie scowled."
THE HIDDEN POETRY IN TRUST FUND BOYS

I don't know what compelled me to do this (oh right, it was this) but I ran the Trust Fund Boys manuscript through Microsoft Word's Autosummarize feature.

Admittedly, I aimed low, and had the program boil a 115,000 word document to less than 1%. But that 1% is pure poetry.

(It's not coherent, of course, but what poetry is?)

AND SPEAKING OF TRUST FUND BOYS: Around two minutes ago, I got e-mail from my fellow famous Kensington author Bart Yates nailing down the time for our April 21 reading. It's 7:00 PM, folks. (See the sidebar for more details.) If you're free that evening, come on down and see the Famous Author in action.

Tuesday, April 06, 2004

RobBot-dot-com: THE NEXT WAVE OF CUTTING EDGE WEB TECHNOLOGY
With kinja, the Nick Denton Web Empire has added another powerful new tool for the blogging community. Now you can browse a regularly-updated digest of your favorites at your convenience for new content. No longer will you waste valuable hours and risk your health arduously clicking down the links on your blogroll. This is a revolution in the making!

But wait: there's more! I have exciting news! I'm breaking an embargo here, but I'm sure Nick will understand. Coming in June from Gawker Media... (you should imagine there's a drumroll here)... (and here)... (and still here)...

RobBot!

Imagine! The best ideas of Denton melded to an individual person (albeit a very famous author.) It's like Lewis and Clark... Laurel and Hardy... chocolate and peanut butter. This will be a very innovative and exciting beta trial, and we're still trying to work out all the bugs, but under the RobBot-dot-com umbrella, here are a few of the things you can expect to find:

Robber -- Snarky observations centered on the New York media and flip-offs of B-List celebrities, with just enough 'in the moment' sassiness that it will be barely recognizable as the English language in four months!

Robbette -- Hey, I spent one career in politics, and no one can be more irreverent than me. Plus, I can write about ass-fucking, too!

FleshRob -- Naked pictures of me on the Internet! I mean, more naked pictures of me on the Internet!

RobModo -- Okay, now this is the one with the bugs. I will be getting all techie here, as soon as I learn how to turn on my toaster.

Robja -- What good are all these blogs if you don't know when I've updated? Just pop on over to Robja and get your up-to-date updated updates!

If everything works well for the RobBot-dot-com blog family, the project can be expanded to include... well... everybody! Some day we all can be completely blogged, from birth to death [memo to Nick: Hmm... Death Blog? I can see a 'Last Word in Blogging' PR campaign being very well-received. Think it over.]

So watch this space as we role out RobBot-dot-com. For once, don't be late to the revolution!

BEFORE DRUDGE... BEFORE WONKETTE... BEFORE EVEN THE BOI FROM TROY... TRL REMAINS YOUR SOURCE FOR IMPORTANT BREAKING NEWS!!
Texas House candidate, onetime cross-dresser says he won't bow out

So wrong... so wrong... I hope they burn those photographs.

TUESDAY AFTERNOON NARCISSISM
Remember how I wrote yesterday that I was going to be largely absent due to the crushing pressures of work?

Well, I lied.

Don't get me wrong: between work, personal thingies, and finances, I'm feeling mega-stress. But the knots in my shoulders are precisely the reason why I feel compelled to offer myself a bit of diversion. So instead of getting all angsty, I made us all a little quiz to see how well you know me. If you've been reading TRL, this should be fairly easy. If you haven't, well... it should still be fairly easy. Because here at The Rob Log, all kids pass their tests!

How Well Do You Know Famous Author Rob Byrnes?

LIFE IMITATES ART
Fictional creation: "Andy", a campy gay Off-Off-Off-Broadway version of "Annie", which represents the nadir of actor Brett Revere's career in my soon-to-be-released novel Trust Fund Boys (coming in June! Remember that!)

Reality: A casting call, via e-mail forwarded to me from a friend:
ANDY
ERGO THEATRE COMPANY, NYC
...
Auditions: Thursday, April 8th
...
NOTE: We are seeking 6 kids ranging
in age from 10-13 years for a
reading of the new musical ANDY.
Appointments will be scheduled for
Thursday, April 8th from 3-7 PM at
Ripley Grier (520 Eighth Avenue,
16th Floor). Children should come
prepared to sing 2 short songs and
read from sides. Accompanist will be
provided. We are looking for kids
who can sing well with a lot of spunk.
The reading will be performed
for backers, producers and a small public
audience at Ripley Grier
Studios.
SEEKING:
[ANDY] 10 years old. A sweet fiery
red-headed boy who wants more than
anything to play the lead role of Annie.
Smart, Unstoppable.
...


If the real "Andy" is produced, and my book sells half as well as I think it will, there is the potential for significant confusion and major culture clash.

And, yes, I'll be loving every minute of it.

Monday, April 05, 2004

TRL: YOUR HOME FOR SHORT ENTRIES AND DUMB QUIZZES
Hola, kids! I apologize in advance, but it's unlikely that you'll be hearing much of substance from me over the next... few days? Week? Year?

Work has been turbulent, and I'm majorly under the gun. So blogging will be light. I just don't have time for the thoughtful, deep, life-enriching essays you've come to enjoy here at The Rob Log. I don't even have time to scan the rest of the calendar. It sucks, man.

I (temporarily) leave you with one bit of irony:
Grammar God!
You are a GRAMMAR GOD!


If your mission in life is not already to
preserve the English tongue, it should be.
Congratulations and thank you!


How grammatically sound are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
(Via A Small Victory)

Wednesday, March 31, 2004

STEPPING BACK TO 2002
A few years ago, when I was living in the guest room of a high-power lipstick lesbian lawyer, we decided one night that our lives were frighteningly reminiscent of a situation comedy. In fact, we even titled daily life "The Lynette and Rob Show." (She got top billing 'cause she owned the co-op.)

And so a high concept was born.

But it's not worth having a high concept if you aren't going to beat the hell out of it, right? So, following the paths of many popular TV hits before us, we issued a calendar for 2002, recalling our classic episodes and fun facts about the 'show.'

It was a great collector's item, if I say so myself. It also contained some of my best writing, if I also say so myself. True, you do have to know our friends to appreciate it in its entirety, but it's accessible enough to be enjoyed by strangers.

Which you're about to learn, because for the next few days, I'll be posting excerpts. (I'm having trouble getting a decent scan of the actual calendar pages, but I'll keep working on it.)

For today, click on the calendar cover to see the first two entries. More will follow. And if an in-joke (or what you perceive as an in-joke) is confusing, ask me!

Are you ready to revisit 2002? Then click away!

ANOTHER GOLDEN OLDIE
Here's another quiz I took eons ago. I probably shouldn't be quite this frank with you, but I would have thought my 'paranoia' score would be higher. ('Cause I know that Michele, Jeff, the Boi, and Toddy are IMing each other about me...)

DisorderRating
Paranoid:Low
Schizoid:Low
Schizotypal:Moderate
Antisocial:Low
Borderline:Low
Histrionic:High
Narcissistic:High
Avoidant:Moderate
Dependent:Low
Obsessive-Compulsive:Moderate

-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --


Okay. Fun's over. Back to work.

LET'S MEET UP FOR COCKTAILS ON LEVEL SIX
I remember taking this test in my pre-blog days, but I stumbled upon it again. Will any of you be joining me on Level Six?

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Sixth Level of Hell - The City of Dis!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
LevelScore
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)Low
Level 2 (Lustful)Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)Moderate
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)Very High
Level 7 (Violent)Very High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)Moderate

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test
(via NRO's The Corner, which features quite a few bloggers from levels Five and Eight...)

Tuesday, March 30, 2004

GANG WARFARE IN THE RED STATES
In New York, the kids will shoot you. In LA, they'll knife you. But in Indiana, apparently they'll kill you with attitude:

Merrillville schools ban pink clothes
"Officials have banned pink clothing for the remainder of the school year out of concerns that the color has become associated with gang activity."
(Via Fark)

Okay, okay, okay. I know this is a serious matter. Pink Crips are still Crips, right? And I'll bet the pink girl-gangs are especially tough:


So if you happen to be in Indiana and run into this guy

don't be complacent. Your safety -- in fact, your very life -- may depend on your vigilance.

Of course, gangs were a lot tougher when I was young...

Monday, March 29, 2004

ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS
Sure, Wonkette speculated (as Wonkette does), but Betty Bowers has the goods.

Is President Bush A Homo?

(Via Wonkette, natch)

NOT EXACTLY A PLACE I WANT TO RETURN TO, THANKYOUVERYMUCH
My inner child is sixteen years old today

My inner child is sixteen years old!


Life's not fair! It's never been fair, but while
adults might just accept that, I know
something's gotta change. And it's gonna
change, just as soon as I become an adult and
get some power of my own.


How Old is Your Inner Child?
brought to you by Quizilla
(Via Crash)

ACTUALLY, SEE THE PREVIOUS POST: I DO LOOK LIKE HER IN THE MORNING

I'm a lesbian first lady. Woo
Which Famous Homosexual are you?
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey
(Via BoiFromTroy)

SUCH A PRETTY, PRETTY BOY
Bradykins got himself a new cell phone. One of them new-fangled ones with a camera. One of them kinds of phones an old guy like me could never learn to work.

So he was playing around with it Saturday morning and he captured me in all my bespectacled, bed-headed, puffy-faced, under-caffeinated glory.

The photo is here. Click on it if you must, but be forewarned: it is not pretty. It is the picture of a man you'd wake up next to in the morning, then check yourself into Betty Ford. It is the picture of a man you'd avoid the next time you ran into him. Or deny knowing. If you had to, you would gnaw your arm off to slip away while he was sleeping. He is a triple-bagger. You would change your phone number if he tried to call... your state of residence if he tried to visit...

And I get to see him in the mirror every morning. Don't you wish you were me?

LEFTIES
Over the past few weeks, I have become a huge, huge, huge fan of Hot Toddy at Toaster Oven. I'll just link to his most recent entry, then you can bookmark his site and read it daily on your own.

By the way, today's paragraph that made me laugh out loud hardest is:
"If left-handed people are allowed to marry, what is next? They will want to marry horses and bicycles. If a left-handed person married a bicycle, can you imagine the burden that places on a child? Imagine a woman who has been raised by a left-handed mother and a bicycle father. On her wedding day, she will have to wheel a bicycle down the aisle instead of having a normal father escort her to her groom."

THEY WOULDN'T. WOULD THEY?
According to Wonkette, rumor has it that the Bush Administration might try to paint Richard Clarke lavender in an effort to discredit him.

Far be it from me to tell them what to do, but... are they out of their fucking minds?

I hope this rumor is nothing but the idlest of idle speculation. Really. Not because I'm any fan of Bush, but because I'd like to think that, even when I disagree with them, our nation's leaders aren't totally evil and venal.

(Ann Coulter, yes, but she doesn't really count.)

Friday, March 26, 2004

"Tom. You're gay."
D-Nasty gets to the heart of a certain Cruise-Cruz misadventure in an exclusive scoop!

ALL BLOG ENTRY IDEAS HAVE NOW APPARENTLY BEEN USED UP
"Doormat
A brand new doormat appeared at the front door of our apartment building a short time ago. In the winter, the stairs get extremely dirty due to snow/rain and the super's negligence in mopping them, so the mat was a welcome addition. But now the mat has been there so long that it too is extremely dirty; it's gone from being a solution to a problem to part of the problem itself."

----Kottke waxes eloquent about his doormat, and comes frighteningly close to this.

Not to worry, though, dear readers. TRL will not be left behind the curve! Here goes:

Colander
I bought a new plastic colander a few month ago. My roommate likes to cook pasta. He uses a colander to drain the pasta. That is more efficient and less painful than using your fingers. But now the colander has small pieces of dried pasta stuck in the little holes, and I can't get them out. Actually, I probably could get them out if I tried harder, but it's not really worth it for a $2.89 colander. Perhaps I will buy a new colander at the supermarket, if I remember. I hope the new colander does not get small pieces of dried pasta stuck in the little holes, but if that happens I suppose I could always buy another one at the supermarket, if I remember.

That was so cool. I feel like an A-Lister now!

YOU'RE FIRED IN DETENTION!

Last night's drunken revelation: Carolyn Kepcher-- Trumpian Ice Princess of The Apprentice -- is a cross between my sixth grade teacher and Princess Di.

What's not to love?

BUY MY 'NAVAHOE BRAVE' SWEATER, OR I'LL CUT YOU
(Sorry. I still have Crash's post on my brain.)

Nothing sells pretty sweaters like a model with a welcoming smile.
(Via Choire)

BATTLING BLOGGERS
Well... not really. It's all in good fun. But it's Friday, so go see why Mark is threatening to kick your ass and Crash is gonna cut you:

When You're in the South

When You're in New York

Wednesday, March 24, 2004

E-MAIL EXCHANGE SPARKS 'BURNING BED'-TYPE INCIDENT. DETAILS AT ELEVEN....
My roommate is originally from Northport, Long Island, so when I saw this news item, I immediately sent him the link, which led to the following exchange:
________________________________

ROOMMATE:
oh i fell and went " boom " there many times

FAMOUS AUTHOR ROB BYRNES:
Just like in Hannah's.
Or Posh.
Or Dorothy.
Or Siberia.
Or the Hangar.
Or the Townhouse.
Or the Monster.
Or Stella's.
Or Cleo's.
Or Chase.
Or our living room.


ROOMMATE:
i'm setting you on fire this eve
_______________________________

POTENTIAL FOR VIOLENCE TONIGHT: High.

So I'd better go out and drink before I go home. Dull the pain, and all that...

ENRIQUE INGLESIAS AND THE IRISH CURSE
"Shocking" celebrity news from Contactmusic.com!
(Via Gawker)

I PROBABLY COULD HAVE TOLD YOU THIS
You are -1% geek
Boy, you really broke through the bottom on this one. You are SO not geek. I recommend staying away from conventions, computer stores, colleges, universities, or anywhere else people might display the slightest interest in something other than what's on TV at the present moment. Your mere presence among geeks of any degree is incredibly dangerous to the continued existence of the known universe. Here, I'll say it slow so you can understand: Anti-geek + Geek = Big Boom. Now go read a book, for god's sake.

Take the Polygeek Quiz at Thudfactor.com


(Via Crash)

I AM NOW OFFICIALLY ENTHUSED ABOUT THE 2004 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION
A candidate I can believe in: bakiwop in '04!
(Via JadedJu)

Tuesday, March 23, 2004

IT SEEMS THE GIRL GETS AROUND...
Heh. I just got around to checking my referrers for the first time in several days. There were a lot of routine searches that led folks to TRL, but the one that made me laugh was this:

"jen chung" fuck

I don't know what's funnier: the fact that that search actually brought someone to my site, or the fact that my site was the 30th result.

Jen Chung, what have you been up to?!

For comparison, I decided that "Rob Byrnes" fuck should be searched. Far fewer results, and almost all of them due to my occasional potty-mouth (which is also a sign that I grew out of most of my evil ways before people posted every damn thing on the Internet, but that's another story.)

Like I keep telling you people, I'm an angel. Comparatively.

IF YOU WAIT LONG ENOUGH, THE EXPLANATION USUALLY BECOMES APPARENT
For decades -- well, okay, maybe only one decade or so, but still -- I have wondered why The Advocate , supposedly THE national gay and lesbian magazine, is generally lame. I mean, it's like People for the same-sex crowd. If they aren't putting heterosexual Dennis Quaid or heterosexual Hal Sparks on the cover, they're giving us the 957th cover story on Melissa Etheridge. It makes Us Weekly look cutting edge. It --- Well, yes, as a matter of fact I do subscribe, but let's not talk about that right now.

Right now we're going to discuss my enlightenment. So that you, too, may be enlightened.

I have come to realize that the reason the magazine is wimpy is because its editors are self-admitted wimps. Witness two recent published articles:

* This associate news editor was nervous about discussing same-sex marriage with his friends and family.

* This news features editor didn't come out to his father until he got his job with the magazine.

Now, I can be as big a wimp as anyone, and I'm actually bored by people who are all gay/all the time. But I'm also not putting out a major gay publishing resource twice a month. I don't think that the Advocate staff has to be especially militant, but the hesitancy they demonstrate in their personal lives is very clearly reflected on the printed page.

So buck it up, kids at The Advocate. Oh -- one more thing. No more Melissa Etheridge, okay? I'm sure that if you look around, you can find another lesbian somewhere.

THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST: THE CARNAGE CONTINUES
Mel Gibson's movie has now brought three people home to the Lord.

And yet, strangely, 'Agent Cody Banks 2: Destination London' has no blood on its hands. Is that right?

FUN WITH LIZA AND MIKE
As a Famous Author, you no doubt suspect that I make the rounds of New York society on a regular basis, signing autographs, getting photographed, and generally showering the bleakly untalented with the shimmering radiance of my celebrity.

And you would be correct.

However -- and I know this will shock you -- Famous Author-ing only accounts for approximately 8% of my before-tax income (which I manage to push to 10% of my post-tax income, if ya know what I mean.) And that means that I have to have a Day Job to keep me in the style to which I have grown accustomed.

Fortunately, by day I am a Famous Not-For-Profit Executive. True, that title does not roll off the tongue as easily as 'Famous Author,' but the size of the checks are nice.

The reason I'm mentioning this is because when one is a Famous Not-For-Profit Executive, one often finds oneself hobnobbing with the rich, popular, and powerful. In that, it is much like being a Famous Author. Except that you don't get an editor or have an agent snagging 15% of your earnings (although she also gets me into Page Six, so I'm not complaining.)

Which is my long way of setting up the situation I found myself in last night, when I unexpectedly ended up hanging out with Multimillionaire Actress-Singer Liza Minnelli and Billionaire Mayor Michael Bloomberg.

The event was the ribbon-cutting ceremony for a drug and alcohol outpatient counseling center for adolescents. When I walked in with my trusted sidekick (let's call him 'Bobby I', which is not his real name, but is his real nickname... oh, and that's the letter 'I', not a Roman numeral 'one'. He is not royalty.)

Er... where was I? Oh yes: Bobby I and I -- ("I and I"? That just gave me a headache. Hold on... let me start again.)

So we walked into the building and flashbulbs started to pop. I'm used to the treatment, but Bobby I used to be a cop, so he immediately reached for his ankle.

"Chill," I said. "It's probably just Patrick McMullan. Again."

I calmed him down, then turned to meet the press.

"Remember to spell it with a 'Y', boys," I said.

"Liza with a 'Y'?" asked a reporter.

"No. B-Y-R--"

"Who the hell are you?"

It was then I realized that the cameras and reporters weren't there for me. They were there for... other celebrities. Real celebrities. People who don't just declare themselves famous because they've written two books and learned to post messages on Blogger.

Shattered? You don't know the half of it.

What's worse: because this was a drug and alcohol rehab center, the reception was dry! Oh, there was Pellegrino and Diet Coke, but no real liquids. (And don't these people read? Don't they know how addictive Coke is?)

So I stood off to the side while photographers elbowed me trying to get a better angle of the former Mrs. Gest as she made her way into the packed room. Now, you and I might question the wisdom of bringing in the Queen of Relapse as a celebrity spokesmodel, but I guess it works for them. Anyway, shortly after Liza made her entrance, His Honor appeared to snip the ceremonial ribbon, and once again I was squished [ed. - that's a technical term of art] against a wall.

There I was -- not only a Famous Not-For-Profit Executive, but also a Famous Author... a two-fer, dammit -- and I was being ignored in favor of a Woman On The Verge and some random billionaire who also happens to be mayor of the capitol of the world. The indignity. The shame.

And to make matters worse, on his way out of the reception, Bloomberg brushed past me, but gladhanded Bobby I! I just wanted to cry.

For some reason, I can't find any news stories about this event in today's papers. But it happened. It really happened. I was snubbed in favor of Liza Minnelli and Michael Bloomberg last night, and life may never again be the same.

Because last night, I... I... I was Not Famous.

POSTSCRIPT: But you know what? Wait long enough, and everything comes around. After an hour or so, I left the party, wandering down East 58th Street to the nearest gay bar for a desperately-needed cocktail. As I pushed my way through the front door, I thought I heard a familiar voice... and I did. It was Liza, standing next to the piano and belting out "New York, New York," a half-empty tumbler of scotch sloshing in her jittery hand.

"Boo-boo!" she shouted, when she saw me. "Buy Mama another drink!"

I shook my head. "You're pathetic, Liza."

"You're mad because I'm drunk," she slurred, taking a wobbly step in my direction. "You don't know the pressure I'm under!"

"Sorry, Liza. I got you into rehab once, but you're no longer my responsibility." I turned my back to her and started to walk away.

"Don't call Liz Smith!!" she screamed. "Please!!"

My back still to her, I quietly said, "No promises."

Outside, the cold air was refreshing. I pulled a pack of Marlboro Lights from my pocket and lit up. A shadowy figure called to me from the dark recess of a brownstone stoop.

"Got a light, buddy?"

"Sure," I said, handing him the lighter. The flame flickered, illuminating his face, and I gasped. "Mister Mayor?"

Fitzgerald wrote that the rich were different than me, and especially you, and he was right. A few brief minutes on East 58th Street destroyed all my illusions, as the 'celebrities' showed their true faces. More importantly, lessons were learned. I may indeed be doubly-Famous, but by learning from the examples of others, I can avoid their fates.

And it may be awkward, but you, too, will soon get used to uttering the phrase, 'Famous-and-Beyond-Reproach Author Rob Byrnes.'

Monday, March 22, 2004

I'M ALIVE. REALLY.
I'm just very very very very busy. And, you know, much as I love you all, the day job is what puts wine in the refrigerator. I hope to get past this in a few days. (The same goes for e-mail: Toddy, Jeff, Levi... I know I owe, and have for weeks in some cases. But I haven't forgotten you.)

By the way, how come no one told me I had misspelled 'ciao' in the March 12 title? Do I have to double-check all my work on my own? Sheesh!