OH, GAWKER, GAWKER, GAWKER...
I used to really enjoy Gawker, but lately... sigh. Apparently, Nick Denton's well-publicized salaries can now only afford the monkeys locked in a room that can't replicate Shakespeare.

A few recent examples:

1. Maybe it's just me, but I don't find inherent humor in elderly people getting run over. Ummm... is this some sort of Urban Outfitters joke I'm not hip enough to get? Would it not be as funny if an elderly person had been killed outside a Starbucks? Or is it just stupid. Answer: Stupid.

2. Hip, cutting-edge, snarky! Look at Gawker have fun at the expense of Manhattan Borough President candidate Brian Ellner, concluding that City Council Speaker Gifford Miller is cute, too! But, uh, Giff Miller is a candidate for Mayor, not Borough President, so the joke doesn't work. Result: Stupid.

Lately that web site has had a lot more misses than hits. I'm crossing my fingers and hoping it doesn't become as dreadful as Gothamist did, because I really don't want to delink it.

But if I have to, I will.

DREAM JOB
I would never retire if I was the person in charge of watching television and counting the gay characters. I would never complain. I would never be late, or leave early.

True, I would contribute next to nothing to society, but I would find a way to sleep at night.


(My next most-desired job would be copy-editor at 365gay.com, where one need not be particular if a person's name is 'Romine' or 'Romaine.' But you knew I was going to write that...)

THE BAD JOKES WRITE THEMSELVES
No, this entry is not about my vacation. It's about a flasher. Sorry, kids, but I have my priorities.

By now, you've no doubt heard of the New York City subway masturbator, who was captured for posterity by his victim's camera-phone. (In case you haven't, the background is here.)

Now, they say that the perp could have been restaurateur Dan Hoyt. Hmmm.
Dan Hoyt

Subway Perv


Could be. And the comments offered by his ex-wife and business partner -- "There should be a support center to support these men to find what is the cause of their action instead of ...putting them in jail" -- doesn't strike me as being excessively spirited.

Still, the man is innocent until proven guilty on thousands by anonymous bloggers, so I will make no judgments. But I do have a question:

When dining at his restaurant, is it a good idea to order the hand roll and the minced nut meat?

Just asking. It's time for lunch, and I'm getting hungry.

HI, HONEYS, I'M HOME!
Hello, boys and girls! I have returned from Vacation '05, with many a few maybe one story to tell. But first I'm all focused on re-entry into civilized society, so be patient.

If everything goes as planned -- which it never does, of course -- I'll recap my week later today. Or maybe I'll never get to it. Come on... it wouldn't be fun if I were predictable.

For now, let's just say that this was the vacation in which my loving boyfriend started calling men who wouldn't buy my books 'PussyBoys,' which eventually mutated into both of us calling almost everyone 'PussyBoys.' Given that the expression is sort of offensive, I hope I can break the habit now that I'm back in New York. We'll see.

The first order of business, though, is to thank my Guest Bloggers -- Becky Cochrane and Timothy J. Lambert -- for filling in for me last week. They were simply outstanding, and I got a lot of good laughs from their entries.

However, they did one thing wrong. Given access to this blog and a (partially) new audience, they exercised restraint and did not pimp their new novel. So I guess I have to do it.

IN BOOKSTORES NOW:

Buy it, PussyBoys.

RUH ROH
Becky and I have noticed FARB's blog is having issues. The archive links all seem to go to the same page, and there's no link for August (granted, August isn't over yet) or a back button to previous entries this month. I hope we didn't break anything. If so, I'm ready to emit an Urklesque "Did I do that?"



I know you're on "vacation," FARB, but if you see this and there's something I can do to help fix the blog, send me an email.

HE WHO HAS THE MOST TOYS WINS


photo by becky cochrane


Update: No, the red toy is not a buttplug.

I'm glad all these headlines I keep seeing about Oprah being "furious" have nothing to do with Teej's Scotchgard™ comment on this blog. It would suck if Oprah boycotted FARB's novels.

Although a FARB/Oprah feud, while not packing quite the wallop of the FARB/ShottScott-O-Rama blog war, could mean FARB is the new Letterman.

YET ANOTHER REASON NOT TO LEAVE THE HOUSE
The other night, I took River outside and as I waited for him to pee, this guy pedals up on a bike and asked if I had a cigarette.

I know, "pedals up" implies a young guy in a pair of OshKosh B'Gosh overalls and a cap with a propeller on top. But, no. He was about my age, maybe a year or two younger, and somewhat cute. However, he spoke with the unabashed frankness and speed of a amphetamine junky, or a politician, but I threw caution to the wind and, since he didn't use the line I hate more than anything—"Do you have a cigarette I can borrow?"—I said, "Sure," and gave him one. I offered him two, but he declined, citing karma as a reason.

We talked about karma, dogs, the possible privatization of Social Security and what we were gonna do about it. He told me jokes, tried to teach River to shake—River politely declined, prefering to lick his hand, clueing me in to the fact that this guy was tasty—and then this stranger asked what I was into.

Was this it? A line? An offer? A suggestion? Did he want to play Let's Make A Deal? WhatamI into? I wondered. I'm not really into kinky stuff, but I'm not exactly Mr. Vanilla 2005 either. But wait, maybe that was a segue. Maybe he was about to sell me drugs. It was a bit late to suggest going to see a movie. Maybe we'd go dancing, to a bar, or a coffeehouse, where we could continue our conversation over lattes.

But I hate lattes.

"What do you mean?" I asked. He explained that one of his pasttimes is salvage. He finds things in people's trash of value and pawns them or gives them to his friends.

"I'm into solitude," I replied, went back inside, and immediately began teaching River attack commands.

A DOG AND HIS TEEJ
Before FARB went on "vacation," I was worried about guest-hosting this blog.

What will I blog about? I asked. What if I'm not funny? The readers of your blog are used to a certain standard. What if I can't uphold those standards? What if, because of my lack of FARBlike abilities, I drive all your readers away? What then?

FARB said something like, Whatever. Just do what you always do; write about River, or something.

Since I can't think of anything to blog about today, here's a photo of River and me. (I'm on the left.)



If you're bored and don't have any Rob Byrnes, Timothy James Beck or Cochrane Lambert books to read, you can read about the River saga here.

You thought I was finished?

What FARB's writing on his "vacation."

Blogger Salads

Since Timothy is being all timely and relevant, I'll just continue tossing this salad theme to death. Pictures being worth a thousand words (but not worth all of FARB's space), please go here to see the favorite salads of some TRL readers.

STICKS AND STONES
Looks like "Black Girl," "Jew Couple," "Bitch Dog," and "Scrotum Bag" will now have enough members to start a support group, with a little help from their newest friend, "Fat Woman."

DO UNTO OTHERS BE DAMNED
Former presidential hopeful and current Christian wingnut Pat Robertson called out for the death of Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez during a Monday broadcast of the Christian Broadcast Network's 700 Club.

According to an article in the Houston Chronicle, Venezuela's vice-president, Jose Vicente Rangel, has said Venezuela is looking into their legal options:

"The ball is in the U.S.'s court, after this criminal statement by a citizen of that country," Rangel told reporters. "It's huge hypocrisy to maintain this discourse against terrorism and at the same time, in the heart of that country, there are entirely terrorist statements like those."

Rangel has a point. What's the difference between terrorists and Pat Robertson? Robertson has pretty much issued a Fatwa, no?

"You know, I don't know about this doctrine of assassination, but if [Chavez] thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it," Robertson said. "It's a whole lot cheaper than starting a war ... and I don't think any oil shipments will stop."

"We have the ability to take him out, and I think the time has come that we exercise that ability."

"We don't need another $200 billion war to get rid of one, you know, strong-arm dictator," he continued. "It's a whole lot easier to have some of the covert operatives do the job and then get it over with."

Nice. A Christian leader is begging for a man's death. Again. In 2003 he suggested dropping a bomb on our own State Department. And he blamed the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center on homosexuals.

Or was that Falwell? I get the two confused sometimes.

Questions of Etiquette

1. Do they get to keep the gifts?
2. Do they still have to write thank-you notes?

Wedding Sting

3. Did the Feds steal the idea from Joe Keenan?

Tom Cruise Tuesday

If only we could move Hot Toddy's favorite damn ketchup out of the way, we could see if that was a tossed salad Tom Cruise was eating.

EVERYBODY'S A MORON CRITIC.
Oh, Jennifer Weiner, I don't write chick-lit, but I know how you feel.

The Hiltons are coming! The Hiltons are coming!
No. It's not another video. The Hilton Garden Inn comes opens pops up bursts onto comes arrives on the scene in downtown Freeport, Maine.

Your Lindsay Lohan Monday Moment


Lindsay Lohan eating a tossed salad.

Lifestyles of the Rich and FARBulous

I'm sorry to be so remiss about blogging, but it's been a hectic two days. On Friday, I was awakened before dawn by a call on the Lavender Phone. When I answered, an unemotional voice explained a change in my assignment: Guest blogging for FARB had been moved up. I was given directions to a private landing strip at Hobby Airport and--

"Wait," I whined. "I always get lost when I go to Hobby Airport."

Later, after being driven to Hobby in a Lincoln Towncar with deeply tinted windows, I boarded FARBforce 1. I ignored the waiting cocktail and napped on the flight to NYC. (You should see the bar in the FARB Limo that picked me up. Unfortunately, the agreement I signed specifies NO PHOTOS.)

I barely had time for three drinks before we made a quick stop to the FARB Suite at The Pierre so I could drop my luggage. Then I was blindfolded and brought to the FARB Office. After a soak in the hot tub to get rid of travel fatigue, I was advised that the FARB Therapist was on his way up.

This excited me. I started making up a bunch of twisted dreams and stories about how my parents and my second grade teacher were responsible for all the failures of my life. But it was not to be. It was the FARB Massage Therapist who awaited me. Has anyone seen the movie Living Out Loud? That's all I'm going to say about that.

After another cocktail or two, the FARB Chef brought in a fruit pizza to soak up fortify me. This is not really a pizza, but I can't give you the recipe because FARB's instructions were clear. If I post any recipes, he'll publicly mock me when he returns. Mmmmm, kiwi.

I'd like to say more about FARB's opulent lifestyle--so different from my own simple country life, yet we have the same publisher...huh--but I'm between parties, where I'm mixing and mingling as FARB's stand-in. Poor lamb, no wonder he needs a vacation.

If I'm not too hung over busy over the next few days fielding calls from celebrities and editors and answering FARB's fan mail, I'll try to crack the code in the address book on FARB's computer and share it with you, his loyal readers. Hopefully, I'll also have time to fire a missile or two in the blog war between FARB and Spott Scott-O-Rama.

--Becks

DESPERATE FIANCEES
It's been reported yesterday that Marcia Cross is engaged to her stockbroker boyfriend, Tom Mahoney.

Oprah's people would neither confirm nor deny that their sofas are currently being re-upholstered. Sales of Scotchgard™ skyrocket.

JUST KEEP SWIMMING SWIMMING SWIMMING

Remember, kids, when swimming into another country, especially the United States, always remember to bring your passport.

AN INTRODUCTION (OF SORTS)
Is this thing on? (Yes. I say that during all my dates.)

I thought it might be fun if Becky and I shatter FARB's mold by posting at night, and during the weekend. It should be interesting to see how many of you are like me, clicking the TRL bookmark regardless of the hour on Saturdays and Sundays, like a little old woman at a slot machine in a Vegas supermarket.

I know you're used to witty observations, journalistic criticisms and cultural commentary. I'm sorry, but I can't promise to uphold the high standards FARB has set forth. But I can do my best to draw atttention to the topic that's formost on everybody's mind:
Lindsey Lohan's boobs!



I tried to find a picture of her eating a tossed salad, but came up empty. Sorry to disappoint.

Please bear with us while we figure out all the blogger bells and whistles.
-"Teej"

A PRE-GOODBYE GOODBYE
I'm literally dashing in and out tomorrow, so I probably won't have time to update for another week or so. In the meantime, I leave you in the masterful hands of your Guest Bloggers, Becky Cochrane and Timothy J. Lambert.

Now, here are a few things to remember while I'm off-line:

1. Be kind to the Guest Bloggers. They will probably have far less patience with you than I do.

2. If you're near Asbury Park, New Jersey on Saturday (August 20), come see me at Antic Hay Books. I'll be there from 10:00-11:30 AM and again from 1:00-2:00 PM, and I'm sure I'll need the company.

3. To ensure the highest site traffic to TRL, please feel free to use these following popular names and phrases in the comments:

a. "Rob Thomas" "Tom Cruise" "gay rumors"
b. "Timothy Treadwell" "photos of body"
c. "Jew Couple" "Black Girl" "Bitch Dog" "Scrotum Bag"
d. "Lindsay Lohan" "boobs"
e. "Salad-Tossing"
f. "Scott-O-Rama" "Fleet enema"
g. "Townhouse" "rumors" "obvious"
h. "Greg" "Posh" "herpes" "obvious"

Do it often. And don't pronounce the 't' in often.

4. Finally, and as always, have a good time. I know I will, even as I miss you terribly.

UPDATE: 'JEW COUPLE' AND 'BLACK GIRL' GET NEW PLAYMATES
Meet 'Bitch Dog' and 'Scrotum Bag.'

(via Fark)

HEY, THEY ALWAYS LABEL ME 'THE DRUNK WASP,' SO GET OVER IT
Next time she's in Allenhurst, New Jersey, 'Black Girl' will have to pay a call on 'Jew Couple.' They'd have a lot to talk about.

From today's New York Post:

August 17, 2005 -- Two diners on a date at a fancy Jersey Shore restaurant were furious when they saw the check — which listed their table as that of the "Jew Couple."

Brooklynite Elliot Stein says he was shocked that a waitress at the Parkhill's Waterfront Grill in Allenhurst printed the slur instead of a table number on his $36.75 bill.

As if that weren't bad enough, the 23-year-old shoe buyer told The Post, the offensive phrase then turned up on his credit-card statement two weeks later...

When the group started questioning the manager, Stein said she simply told them there was nothing derogatory about the statement.

Stein said he was then asked to leave for making a fuss...

"We are a family restaurant, and we welcome everybody," she said, adding that the words "Jew Couple" were never intended to be derogatory.

"We use it as a form of identity," she said. She would not elaborate on what the restaurant does when there is more than one couple assumed to be Jewish at the restaurant.

GOD GETS BORED OF THE BOY SCOUTS
Apparently God has grown bored of smiting the gay-exclusionary Boy Scouts of America after weeks of lightning-related carnage. Now He's out to even the score for Don't Ask, Don't Tell.

Lightning isn't striking Barney Frank. Just sayin'...

MEANHILE, IN THE CIVILIZED SOUTH...
I didn't know people south of the Mason-Dixon Line could exert this amount of energy.

RICHMOND, Va. -- A rush to purchase $50 used laptops turned into a violent stampede Tuesday, with people getting thrown to the pavement, beaten with a folding chair and nearly driven over. One woman went so far to wet herself rather than surrender her place in line.

"This is total, total chaos," said Latoya Jones, 19, who lost one of her flip-flops in the ordeal and later limped around on the sizzling blacktop with one foot bare.

...

People threw themselves forward, screaming and pushing each other. A little girl's stroller was crushed in the stampede. Witnesses said an elderly man was thrown to the pavement, and someone in a car tried to drive his way through the crowd.

...

Blandine Alexander, 33, said one woman standing in front of her was so desperate to retain her place in line that she urinated on herself.

"I've never been in something like that before, and I never again will," said Alexander, who brought her 14-year-old twin boys to the complex at 4:30 a.m. to wait in line. "No matter what the kids want, I already told them I'm not doing that again."

Jesse Sandler said he was one of the people pushing forward, using a folding chair he had brought with him to beat back people who tried to cut in front of him.

"I took my chair here and I threw it over my shoulder and I went, 'Bam,'" the 20-year-old said nonchalantly, his eyes glued to the screen of his new iBook, as he tapped away on the keyboard at a testing station.

"They were getting in front of me and I was there a lot earlier than them, so I thought that it was just," he said.

How come they can't be that motivated when I'm trying to cash out of the 7-11 in Arlington, huh?

WHEN THE REWARD FOR MARTYRDOM IS 72 BLACK-EYED TEDDY BEARS

Idiots.

TICK... TICK... TICK...
That's the sound of the clock I'm watching right now. Yes, kids, after two years without a vacation -- and by that, I mean a two-year stretch with no more than the occasional three-day weekend off -- I am going to be away from my desk for a glorious nine days, commencing the minute I can get out of here this upcoming Friday.

Frankly, I need it. Over the past few months, I've been feeling burned out. And in recent weeks, I do not feel I've been as efficient as I could be. I have a lot of balls in the air, and while I haven't dropped any of them, it's only a matter of time. A week to recharge my batteries should do me a world of good.

'Vacation 2005' will, of course, kick-off in beautiful Asbury Park, New Jersey, where I'll be appearing at Road Trip 4 and signing copies of Trust Fund Boys at Antic Hay Books on Saturday, August 20. Thanks to the generosity of our host -- thanks, Johnny! -- Brady and I are going to make a beach weekend of it. And I loves me my beach. Please stop by to say hi if you're in the area.

As for the rest of the week... who knows? Maybe I'll hang out with Brady in DC, or maybe I'll just putter around Manhattan. The only thing I won't do -- barring a national emergency -- is go to the office.

One of my goals for Vacation 2005 is to avoid the computer.
Therefore, at the end of this week I will be absenting myself from The Rob Log. However, since I give and give and give to you people, I am happy to announce that your Special Guest Bloggers will be my friends and fellow Kensington authors Becky Cochrane and Timothy J. Lambert, collectively one-half of 'Timothy James Beck' and 100% of both 'Cochrane Lambert' and, uh, 'Becky Cochrane' and 'Timothy J. Lambert.' Their new collaboration -- Three Fortunes in One Cookie -- will be released in a few weeks, so get busy and pre-order!

Oh, and don't try to pull anything while I'm gone. Becks and Teej have been briefed, and are prepared to kick some Sam-O-Rama butt, if necessary.

So now you only have to put up with me for a few more days. Savor the experience...

MAYBE YAHOO IS TRYING TO TELL ME TO GET MY HAMPTONS ON
Strange: Being the first two search engine results for 'public sex on Long Island.'

Stranger: Being the only two search engine results for 'public sex on Long Island.'

Note to the searchers: I think you want this blog.

BLOGGERS BLOGGING ABOUT BLOGGING
I picked up this meme over at Joel's place and figured, what the hell... it's easier than thinking up original content.

1. What was the first blog you ever saw/found?
I can't remember my first blog, because I looked, yawned, and moved on through several of them before I found a few that interested me. The first blogs that caught my attention were definitely Useless, Worthless, Insipid, because Mike was a regular at The Duplex and I had spent my fair share of time there, and The Search for Love in Manhattan, because Faustus... well, he's Faustus!

2. How did you find it?
The NYC Blogger map.

3. What were the next few blogs you saw/found?
Oh, I read all the popular kids. Andrew Sullivan... Gawker... Gothamist... and a bunch of others that I don't read anymore.

4 How many blogs do you read per day?
I'd estimate that I hit 30 or so per day, and make it through my all the blogs on my sidebar every 7 to 10 days. (And then I have my secret list of blogging atrocities, which I check religiously for updates...)

5. Have you met a blogger in real life? Who? (You don't have to list them all if you're a blog whore.)
I don't consider myself a 'blog whore', thankyouverymuch, but I have met far, far, far too many bloggers. Uh... I'm not talking about you, of course; I'm talking about that other blogger. For the sake of argument, let's guesstimate that I've met at least 35 bloggers.

6. Which very far-away bloggers do you think you would like to meet if you lived in the same city?
Hell, I haven't even met all the New York bloggers I would like to meet. Although if I start naming names, I might have to meet people, so I'll stay on-topic and therefore hopefully avoid social interaction. The out-of-town bloggers I would like to meet include Jeff of Gatsby's Ghost, with whom I've had an e-mail relationship for over a year; Skip-O-Rama, because when I meet him I intend to kick his ass; Joel of Not That, because he's funny and intelligent and also because I should reciprocate; and Flip, but only because I would like to tie a string to him and dangle him in front of Crash, then yank him away when Crash lunges for him. That would be a lot of fun!

Oh, and Becks and Teej, but I think of them more as fellow Famous Authors, rather than Famous Bloggers.

7. Who is the most introspective blogger?
Most people think that describes me, but I sincerely think 'Frank' of The Accidental New Yorker is slightly more introspective.

8. Who cracks you up?
Pretty much everyone. Diplomatic enough for the room? Good. But if I had to name a few names: Chrisafer, Faggoty-Ass Faggot, Faustus, and Young Matthew. Oh, and when Charlie the Blogstalker was blogging, he always cracked me up, but now when I see him in person he is bitter and jaded and angry and... um... resentful. But mostly, I crack myself up. Is that wrong?

9. Who is hot? (Or who do you think sounds hot if there is no picture?)
No one is hotter than Bradykins, but he doesn't blog, so I am so not going here. Oh wait... MzOuiser!

10. Which blog is the latest on your link list? Or who did you just discover?
I think the most recent addition was Faggoty-Ass Faggot. But that sidebar has lately seen more action than Boi From Troy at a Log Cabin convention, so who can remember?

11. Who needs to update more often?
My friend Greg, of I'm Nailed Right In fame. That would be one of the funniest blogs if it was updated more than once every 8 months.

12. Do you have a favorite entry? (Your own)
Of course, because I am a raging egomaniac. But for pure smart-ass value, this is my favorite. Not to mention that it triggered a meme among the Popular Kids, 'cause apparently Popular Kids like to make fun of Jason Kottke.

13. What's your favorite song on the radio right now? (OK, that's not about blogging, but this is my meme)
How many times do I have to tell you that I do not do music. Stop asking me!

Following Joel's lead, I am not passing this on to anyone. It is a voluntary meme... do with it what you like.

BYRNESES BEHAVING BADLY UPDATE
The General who is not related to me -- except, you know, by the fact that we practice random acts of misconduct -- is coming under Internet Scrutiny.

But get real. A gay guy named Byrnes? It'll never happen...

THWARTING TERRORISM
The Associated Press brilliantly confuses potential terrorists:

As a result, police say they have recordings of the two men and the informant discussing how attacks on the Herald Square station _ the Manhattan subway stop next to Bloomingdale's _ and the Verrazano Narrows Bridge could damage the economy as part of a holy war against the United States.

Heh heh... I can't wait until Osama gets to Herald Square and tries to find Bloomingdale's.

Brilliant, AP! Brilliant!

THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT BYRNES...
Honestly! Why would anybody discipline someone named Byrnes over "matters of personal conduct"? That makes no sense at all.

Hmm. No family resemblance. Kev must be one of those pretenders to Byrnes status.

BRAD WHO?
A mistake has been made. Again.

It seems that New York magazine is still pissed off about that six-week stretch when I repeatedly mocked its blog. Whatever. At least I still have my integrity.

(Shut up!)

JERSEY BOY (FOR A DAY)



If you happen to find yourself in the vicinity of Asbury Park, New Jersey on Saturday, August 20, I'll be making a special appearance at "Road Trip 4." Yes, I know, they describe me as 'celebrity gay author' instead of 'Famous Author,' but that's a forgivable mistake.

Seriously, from what I understand it's a fun weekend showcasing the city's quaint charms and gay-friendliness, and I'm thrilled to be a part of it. Plus, um... a beach! Can I get a big 'yay' for the beach?

So take a road trip to Road Trip 4, swing by Antic Hay Books (721 Cookman Avenue... you can't miss it!) and say hi to me and Bradykins.

Then buy us lunch!

TAKING THAT WHOLE 'MARS/VENUS' THING TO EXTREMES
Warning: this is not funny. Unless you appreciate what can happen when stereotypes are taken to extremes:

A man who got angry with his wife because she wanted to cuddle after sex when what he really wanted to do was watch sports on television was sentenced to death for killing her with a claw hammer.

M4M4$
It's tough to be so popular. From the mailbag:

From: georgesmith [mailto:georgesmithazuka@redacted.com]
Sent: Wednesday, August 03, 2005 2:33 PM
Subject: HELLO DEAR

Hello Dear,
How are you and your family? my name is George smith azuka. I want to use this opportunity to seek for your assitance. My client who is based in the united states sent me a blank money order for a job which i did for him.four pieces of $950 U.S money order. Total sum $3800.

I will really appreciate your assistance if you will be able to help me in cashing the U.S money order in your bank in the U.S,and send them back to me through western union... (etc.)

To which I responded:

Dear Mr. Azuka:

Thank you for contacting me. Please be advised that a "small percentage" of $3800 is far less than the reward offered to me this morning by Mrs. Patricia Ogumba, widow of the former Nigerian Finance Minister.

However, since you called me 'dear,' I assume you are a homosexual, like me. Therefore I want to help you, if you are attractive. Please send me a current picture, stats, preferences, etc. No fats, fems, etc. Your picture gets mine, and then we can make that transaction via Western Union!

TTFN,
Dick Rickoffer IV

PS: Did you get my e-mail address from Gay.com? Just asking!!

I hope he writes me back. I've been so lonely...

OH, HOW YOU MUST HATE ME
It's been ten days since I've updated, and no one -- no one -- has checked to see if I'm all right. No one--- oh wait, that's not quite true. I forgot about Doug and Jeff... Almost no one! Would it have been so difficult to send an e-mail, Skip? Would it kill you to pick up the phone, MAK? No, I didn't think so! I could have been lying in a ditch, bleeding to death, while being exposed to large insects and dirt! And you wouldn't have cared!

Oh, you'd be all 'I should have checked on him and now I feel bad and boo-hoo' if I had, in fact, died in that bloody, dirty ditch. But it would never have even occured to you that you could have not felt bad and, oh, saved my fucking life by taking just a tiny bit of initiative. Consider this a life lesson: if you want to save yourself the heartache of knowing that you could have prevented someone's bloody dirt-ditch death by doing something, you should DO SOMETHING! Don't keep thinking it's someone else's responsibility, 'cause I know those people, and they are not responsible.

You're lucky I'm just being slammed by the day job, trying to pound out a new book, and detoxing, instead of lying in a bloody, dirty ditch. I mean it; you're lucky.

Okay, I think you all feel bad enough at this point, so there's no sense harping on it. You can apologize in the comments.