IN CASE YOU DIDN'T UNDERSTAND MY LAST ENTRY...
A transilation, via Gizoogle:

SINGLE HAS NEVER LOOKED SO GOOD
The Bad News: Sean Hannity's ' Hannidate,' bring'n uncoupled Right Killa togetha ta marry n procreate.

The Good News to increase tha peace: vizzle shawty chance of find'n M4M or W4W personals, mean'n thizzay we (and by 'wizze,' I mean thugz who is like me, but single) will crazy ass nigga have ta fish in this gene pool.

Otha sites have picked off some of tha bizzay profiles, but every Hannidate deserves yo attention. Especially Chris hizzy , who is one of tha few men who doesn't confess ta mackin' wood fo` Ann Coulta , but probably would if she had 'real estate n stocks.' (Hmmm... come ta think `bout it, Ann Brotha probably does own stocks.)

By tha way, this homey has a news fliznash . You'se a flea and I'm the big dogg: Internet pimpin` services is fo` losa. Nizzay if I wasn't such a funky ass guy, I'd insert a few sarcastic 'coughs' here, but I really don't thiznink Arkansas Jiznohn is a losa.

*cough*

Oh wizzy! I guess there is some gay Hannidizzles ! Hot!

UPDATE!! Mangina Dentata ( rememba him ?) is B-to-tha-izzack, n I'm full of joy n' shit. Not only that, but MD is going ta join Hannidizzles in tha mutha fuckin club! Sometizzles I really love life . I started yo shit and i'll end yo' shit!

That's all. Gotta change out of these wet pants now.

(Gizoogle via Timothy J. Lambert, with my thanks forever)

SINGLE HAS NEVER LOOKED SO GOOD
The Bad News: Sean Hannity's 'Hannidate,' bringing uncoupled Right Wingers together to marry and procreate.

The Good News: very little chance of finding M4M or W4W personals, meaning that we (and by 'we,' I mean people who are like me, but single) will never have to fish in this gene pool.

Other sites have picked off some of the best profiles, but every Hannidate deserves your attention. Especially Chris here, who is one of the few men who doesn't confess to popping wood for Ann Coulter, but probably would if she had 'real estate and stocks.' (Hmmm... come to think about it, Ann Coulter probably does own stocks.)

By the way, this guy has a news flash: Internet dating services are for losers. Now, if I wasn't such a nice guy, I'd insert a few sarcastic 'coughs' here, but I really don't think Arkansas John is a loser.

*cough*

Oh wait! I guess there are some gay Hannidates! Hot!

UPDATE!! Mangina Dentata (remember him?) is back, and I'm full of joy. Not only that, but MD is going to join Hannidates! Sometimes I really love life!

SLIDING A BIT FURTHER DOWN THAT SLIPPERY SLOPE

New Delhi - Two small boys and two girls were married off to four puppies by tribal villagers in the small northern Indian state of Jharkhand to ward off evil, a report said on Wednesday.

Fortunately, the boys and girls married puppies of the opposite sex, so there's no need to send Rick Santorum on a special mission to Jharkland.

(Via Fark)

GET A JOB!
Stupid kids. Yale should boot their asses out of school.

A group of students called on Yale President Richard Levin to reduce by half the amount of money students on financial aid are required to pay. The students say families earning less than $40,000 should not have to contribute any money.

Note to the children: Yale is not the only university in the world. If you don't want to pay for Yale, go somewhere else. Go to a state university if necessary. Your demands are indefensible.

And the rest of the world should stop pissing me off this morning, too. Got that? Good.

THIS IS A JOKE, RIGHT? PLEASE TELL ME IT'S A JOKE
Un-fucking-believable.

(Via AmericaBlog)

I have to go lie down now...

PLAYING TO MY STRENGTHS
I know I've touched on this before, but now that this blog is the Number One search result for "'Tossing the salad' sexual term" let me once again note how honored I am. Now, thousands -- maybe millions -- of heretofore ignorant people will come to The Rob Log for tips on technique. Perhaps I'll even publish yet another book:

You think it's easy being Famous?

MEMED!
First, let me state formally and for the record that I am not a music person. My bedside clock radio is tuned to 1010 WINS, I only know who Jessica Simpson is because of her husband (mmm.... Nick....) , and for some reason I can't play CDs on my 8-track. Must be a technical glitch.

Second, I hate Tuna Girl. Got that? I hate her because she is forcing me to do the Music Meme. Also, she made an age joke at my expense, and only I am allowed to make age jokes at my expense.

So anyway, let me get this damn meme out of the way. This shouldn't take too long.

1. Total amount of music files on your computer: Zero. Zero GB, zero files, zero. Nada. Nil. None. And the rest of you shouldn't have any music on your computers, either. You should be working or blogging.

2. The last CD you bought was: It's been a long, long time, but it had to have been Michael Holland's Beach Toys Won't Save You.

3. What is the song you last listened to before reading this message? Sorry, but I have no fucking clue. Whatever it was they were playing at Posh last night. I'd ask my friends, but they wouldn't be able to help me out, because they stood me up! I do know that yesterday my friend Steven and I kept sending alternating verses from The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia to each other, but I don't think that counts.

4. Write down 5 songs you often listen to or that mean a lot to you:
Here we go: songs that either date me [Date you? I hardly know you] or are too obscure for you to know. I guess this is what makes it fun, right? Anyway...

1. Weekend in New England (written by Randy Edelman; performed by Barry Manilow) -- Hokay? Yeah, a little. But this is the song my boyfriend and I bonded over, so how could it not be my favorite?

2. Trash (written and performed by Michael Holland) -- Ahem. This no longer can legitimately serve as my theme song, but it's fun and hits close to (my former) home. My anthem for the fall of 2001. And the antidote to Weekend in New England.

3. But Not for Me (written by George and Ira Gershwin; performed by Holly Near) -- A classic, and Holly owns it in this live recording.

4. Now/Soon/Later (written by Stephen Sondheim; performed by every Broadway and community theater actor born before 1988) -- Three expository songs become lyrically intertwined in this early number from Sondheim's A Little Night Music. Beautiful. Plus, if I don't include a Broadway number I'll lose some homo-cred.

5. Walking After Midnight (written by Don Hecht; performed by Patsy Cline) -- It reminds me of someone from a long, long time ago.

5. Who are you going to pass this stick to? (3 persons) and why?
* Greg. Because he's new to this blogging stuff and we need to figure out what he's all about.
* Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven. Just 'cause.
* Crash. To encourage him to blog about something other than food.

Okay... now I need a drink.

MIRROR, MIRROR...
I know. The new title bar is the personification of ego. Nine pictures of me, two of white wine, and one of Manhattan.

That sounds about right.

By the way, if you don't understand the Alice Roosevelt Longworth reference, don't bother me. There are plenty of search engines out there to help you out.

Speaking of 'Mirror, Mirror,' the reference doesn't have to be all about ego. It's also the constant theme of Sondheim's 'Who's That Woman?', from his 1971 masterpiece Follies:

Who's that woman?
I know I know that woman,
So clever, but ever so sad.
Love, she said, was a fad.
The kind of love that she couldn't make fun of
She'd have none of.
Who's that woman.
That cheery, weary woman,
Who's dressing for yet one more spree?
Each day I see her pass
In my looking-glass--
Lord, Lord, Lord, that woman is me!

Mirror, mirror, on the wall,
Who's the saddest gal in town?
Who's been riding for a fall?
Whose Lothario let her down?
Mirror, mirror, answer me:
Who is she who plays the clown?
Is she out each night till three?
Does she laugh with too much glee?
On reflection, she'd agree.
Mirror, mirror,
Mirror, mirror,
Mirror; mirror...

(Update: edited because I decided it was too damn long of an entry.)

Those lyrics don't really describe me. But 'Mirror, Mirror' would still be a cool name for a blog. Just noting for the record.

HELP ME WITH MY RSS FEED AND I'LL GIVE YOU A COOKIE
As you'll recall, six or seven weeks ago I figured out how to set up a site feed for this blog.

Or so I thought.

A few weeks ago, Jase brought to my attention that the feed isn't updating. Sure enough, I went to take a look, and... well. Nothing has updated since I created the feed. Hot Toddy's comment was frighteningly truthful. I failed.

I haven't really thought about it since Jase clued me in, but -- now that I have the briefest of lulls in my crazy work schedule and I'm trying to get some techie things out of the way -- I thought I'd appeal to the blogger community for advice. Here is how things read under the Settings/Site Feed option in Blogger:

Publish Site Feed: Yes

Descriptions: Full

Site Feed Server Path: ftp.blogspot.com/

Site Feed File Name: atom.xml

Site Feed URL: http://robnyc.blogspot.com/atom.xml

And, yes, I've published and republished numerous times. I've published the entire blog, I've published only the index, I've done everything I can think of to update the site feed.

So what am I not doing? Your technical assistance is greatly appreciated. Better yet, if you help me I promise not to say anything nasty about you. For a while.

Update: The lovely Elizabeth solved the problem. I'm back in business, kids! Now, what kind of cookie would you like, Elizabeth?

RETURN OF THE '50S: IT'S TIME TO NAME NAMES AGAIN!
Hey, kids! Have you grown up regretting that you missed those crazy 1950s? You know, the decade with hula hoops and "Mr. Peepers" and the red-menace blacklist?

Well don't despair. I haven't seen a Hula Hoop in, like, forever; and Wally Cox was gay, then dead. But some true blue Americans have brought back the Blacklist, and not a moment too soon.

Let me add that this handy list of America's enemies -- edited and chiefed by patriotic David Horowitz -- is called "Discover the Network," and it neatly ties the radical left together in one nice package. Also, it's incredibly user-friendly: Horowitz and company even include plenty of dead people, just so you don't miss a link between Susan Sontag, Roger Ebert and Osama bin Laden.

The best feature, though, is this:

To submit requests for additional individuals to be profiled, to contribute information on the existing list, or to supply links to related articles and texts, use the contact options (Submit A Search Name/Contribute Information) on the homepage.

That's right! Discover The Network gives you the ability to name names!!

Finally, the Internets have been put to good use. Thank you, Mr. Horowitz, for bringing back fun of the 1950s!

And good luck on your next endeavor: putting those troublesome negroes back in their place!

WARNING: THIS ENTRY MENTIONS GAY CARTOON CHARACTERS. PARENTAL DISCRETION IS ADVISED
Last night's rather ho-hum episode of The Simpsons was preceded by a parnetal discretion warning. Why? Because the show dealt with same-sex marriage. This is the same cartoon that routinely plays sexual behavior, extreme violence, irresponsible behavior, alcoholism and drunk-driving, racial and ethnic stereotypes, divorce, adultery, and Thomas Pynchon for laughs.

I took offense at the advisory. Am I being overly-sensitive? Or was Fox overly-sensitive? Whatever. The sop to the Religious Right was stupid and annoying.

That's all. I have no further thoughts on the subject. I just wanted to rant for a few seconds. Go back to whatever you were doing...

THINGS I HATE
No, this isn't a comprehensive list. In fact, it's just one item long:

I hate it when you use the word 'whilst.'

When you use 'whilst' instead of 'while,' you sound incredibly pretentious. I imagine you sitting at your keyboard, wearing a smoking jacket and chuckling self-indulgently, imagining that you are the reincarnation of George Bernard Shaw. In reality, you are not George Bernard Shaw; you are a semi-literate who has never learned the cardinal rule of writing: simple is better.

If your 'whilst' makes me roll my eyes (and trust me here; I'm not alone), then you aren't communicating effectively. I can forgive a lot -- typos, grammatical errors, even the occasional misuse of a word -- but I can't forgive pretension.

Here's a good rule of thumb: would you actually use the word 'whilst' in spoken conversation? Unless you're Faustus -- who gets special dispensation because (a) he writes so well; and (b) from what I hear, he would use the word in spoken conversation -- I think you'd use 'while.' That, or you'd probably get hit in the face a lot.

So do use all a favor and use 'while' when you write, too. Jump off that growing bandwagon that thinks using 'whilst' earns them points for sophistication. Because it doesn't.

Okay, now that that's out of my system, any other pet peeves out there? I mean, as long as I'm on the topic...

PROUD PAPA
My friend Greg has finally launched his blog, after months of talk. After thousands of hours spent with him drinking and smoking and making fun of people in deep intellectual conversation about the meaning of life, I'm confident that you'll find him every bit as petty, nasty, inane and self-involved as you find me. Go visit:

I'm Nailed Right In

BEST. INVENTION. EVER.
"Russian Scientists Develop Tablet to Prolong Drunkeness"

(Via Fark)

YOU READ IT HERE FIRST, OR MAYBE NOT
So I'm in the shower at 6:00 AM this morning and thinking about Desperate Housewives (shut up! Like you never think of Desperate Housewives when you're in the shower at 6:00 AM!) when I suddenly realized who the mysterious and much-speculated-about gay character is going to be.

Are you ready?

Not Zach. Not Tom. Not Andrew. Not Edie. Not Mrs. Huber's sister... well, okay, maybe Mrs. Huber's sister, but that's not where I'm going here. No, the gay character will turn out to be...


Carlos Solis.

"But Famous Author Rob Byrnes," you say. "Carlos is so manly and... and... Latin! He can't be the homosexual!"

To which I say, "Wrong, loser. Go start your own blog if you don't like what I have to say."

Let's look at the evidence:

1. Carlos is married to Gabrielle, but barely gives her the time of day. Now, I'm a Kinsey 6, and even I get excited when Gabrielle is on-screen.

2. Carlos hired John to be the lawnboy. He didn't hire one of the acne-ridden kids of Wisteria Lane. Nope. He hired John. Mmmm... John...

3. And now, according to previews for next week's show, Carlos has hired a new lawnboy: Justin. Mmmm...Justin... Okay, I suppose you can get lucky and hire one hottie as your lawnboy, but two? Sorry, but that's beyond coincidence. Carlos knows exactly what he's doing.

4. Finally, when 'who is the gay' speculation began swirling, much of it centered on hints that it would be someone's son. Well... really, who is the biggest mama's boy on the show?


Mama Solis would turn anyone gay.

I rest my case.

IF AFTERNOON DRINKING WAS MY BATTING AVERAGE, I'D BE AN ALL-STAR
I really don't believe in drinking before Happy Hour. It isn't conducive to a productive work day. So how is it that in the past seven working days, I've cocktailed during lunch three times?

Oh yeah. No willpower. That's how.

It's good I'm so kick-ass at my job. For your sake, that is. Because you'd be deprived of all that TRL has to offer if I was living in a refrigerator box next to the Holland Tunnel.

Now, where did I put that corkscrew...

THAT TIME OF THE YEAR
When it comes to getting my hair cut, I am the worst kind of procrastinator. It's not the expense, nor the time involved. It's all about the laziness. I simply cannot pick up the telephone to make an appointment, even though I see my stylist socially (meaning, at Posh) three or four times each week every now and then.

But last night, Reader and TRL Fan Club President Greg said that my hair was starting to look like something out of anime...

Maybe it's time to pick up that phone.

MY NEW FAVORITEST BLOG
Much as I love him -- in a nonsexual, older-brother sort of way, of course -- the antidote for this is this. It's fucking brilliant.

On that note, have a nice weekend and don't forget to send me lots of e-mail valentines on Monday.

LOVE HURTS
How are you going to celebrate Valentines Day? As for me, I'm gonna... well, okay, I'll be on a train returning to New York for part of it. But before that train ride, I'll be valentining my Valentine.

And I'll definitely be staying the hell out of Oregon.

THE OFFICIAL NIPPLE-SHIELD OF THE RIGHT WING

If Janet Jackson had had John Derbyshire covering her nipple, none of that bad stuff would have happened.

Related:
I Guide Derb to Victory in the 'Honorariest Homo Award' Competition

(Via Wonkette)

DAMN, I'M PISSY THIS MORNING
Just don't bother me today, okay? Everyone leave me alone. I'll resurface when I don't feel like mass murder is an attractive option.

UPDATE: Reader and TRL Fan Club President Greg has written and advised me that the above post is 'scaring (my) readers.' Please put your minds at ease. I'm very busy today, but I'm over my hangover pissiness. Now go entertain yourselves.

ONCE AGAIN, MY EXOTICISM SUFFERS
I swear to God, if you people keep coming out of the closet -- in the process making me just one of millions of boring gay people -- I'm going to do something crazy to set myself apart. Like become a Mormon. Or a Bush voter.

All I want is to be different, okay? Unique! Quirky, without being threatening except to Southern Baptists! Why are you making this so hard?

LESBIAN-TYPE 'MO

NO HAIR, NO MAKEUP, NO NET
That guy you're going to see later today and/or tomorrow on NY1, Channel 7, Channel 9 and Telemundo? The one in the Times and Newsday? Needs a haircut? Making poor eye contact? Speaking into the microphones as if he's never seen a microphone before?

Yeah. That was me.

BLIND ITEM
Which Famous Author is about to ink his third book deal? Our sources tell us that the handsome writer's next book -- a comic novel exploring the differences between the younger and older generations of gay men -- is sure to be a blockbuster best-seller. We also hear that a certain closeted superstar actor's production company is very interested in buying the film rights. Will this be the project that launches him out of the closet? Can you believe anything beyond the first sentence? Stay tuned...

IT'S BEEN A WHILE...
From this afternoon's in-box:

Hello My Dear,

...As a matter of urgency, I want you to advice me on what investment opportunities you can assist me on. It has become really difficult to get a reliable investor to assist me because of the rate of scams that I hear about. First I will introduce myself to you.

I am Mr. Oden Robert, The manager, Bills and Exchange at the Foreign Remittance Department of the Africa Development Bank Group of Benin of Republic. I am writing this letter to ask for your support and cooperation to carry out this business opportunity in my department.

I discovered an abandoned USD15 MILLION in an account that belongs to one of our foreign customers, Mrs. Mary Lou Sterner, 66, Olmito, Texas. who died in a Plane crash october 31, 1999 [With Egyptian Airline 990] with other Passengers Aboard as you can comfirm it by yourself...

Blah blah blah. You know the rest.

To which I responded:

To Mr. Oden Robert Mark:

Thank you for writing me concerning Mrs. Mary Lou Sterner's $15 million. I am very interested in pursuing this activity with you. As a retiree and elderly gentleman, you can only imagine how welcome this money would be. Finally, I could be able to buy a Winnebago and see the country, perhaps even journeying to Sterling, Colorado, to visit my grandson, Milton He has just started third grade at Augustus Caesar Elementary School.

Please send me details of this business venture as quickly as possible. I hope you do not mind, but I would prefer to not deal with any lawyers. They are all no-good thieves and will steal from both of us! Mark my words. I have not trusted lawyers since the time in 1978 when my late wife and I were sued for selling our home with faulty insulation, even though my nephew Dewey installed it and it was the best insulation that Greenberg Mall Hardware & Home Furnishings had in stock. Thieves!

One more thing: you began your very nice electronic mail to me by saying, 'Hello, My Dear.' I hope this does not mean you are a homosexual. When you respond to me, please make it clear that you aren't a homo. Maybe calling strangers 'my dear' is what they do in Benin, but that's not the way we address each other here in Northern New Jersey, US of A. Except for perhaps that cult of homosexuals from the Ivory Coast who live near Hackensack.

Yours in Christ,

David Daniel Patterson Jr.

I hope this one writes me back. For some reason, they usually don't.

JUST STOP THINKING IF YOUR HEAD HURTS. IT'S OKAY
My, oh my. Senator Hillary Clinton certainly opened herself up to criticism over the past few weeks by speaking on a level deeper than a sound-bite, hasn't she? Now, the politician in me wants to celebrate her appreciation of the nuances of public policy, as well as her recognition that a 'my way or the highway' approach is the exact opposite of helpful and effective.

But I am no longer a government official. I am a blogger, and therefore I am compelled to shoot from the hip and join the universal condemnation of her words! How dare she speak to us as if we have the capacity to process more than meaningless slogans?

The brainiacs -- and by 'brainiacs,' I mean 'not-brainiacs-but-I'm-being-saracastic'-- over at 365gay.com have analyzed her comments and revealed her as the Handmaiden of Tom DeLay:

Democrats Openly Courting Anti-Gay Religious Right
by Beth Gorham, CP Washington Bureau
Posted: February 6, 2005 4:02 pm. ET

(Washington) The religious right in the United States is getting proof of their political influence from a surprising source, Hillary Clinton.

Long associated with liberal causes like abortion and gay rights, the Democratic New York senator has been talking lately about God, faith and bridging the gap with conservatives.

Because I know you depend on this blog to do your thinking for you, I want to share some of the words spoken by the apostate Hillary. Here are a few items I found:

In talking about her faith as she travels the country, Mrs. Clinton has taken up a traditional Democratic cause, fighting poverty. In her appearance at Tufts, for example, she said there is a "much broader definition" of "morality and values" than was discussed during the recent elections.

"It is always intriguing to me that so many people have a very narrow definition of morality and then often try to peg their definition, in the case of Christianity, to the Scriptures," she said. "And no one can read the New Testament of our Bible without recognizing that Jesus had a lot more to say about how we treat the poor than most of the issues that were talked about in this election."

Yup. It's true. There she goes, shoving God and morality down out throats.

And take a look at this!

Without retreating on principle, she deftly shifted the focus of the abortion discussion to where there is the broadest agreement, and where President Bush's policy failure is most apparent - namely, abortion prevention. Echoing her husband's call to make abortion "safe, legal and rare," the senator said that abortion "represents a sad, even tragic choice to many, many women," and that "the best way to reduce the number of abortions is to reduce the number of unwanted pregnancies in the first place."

Does she think we're idiots? As the brainiacs -- and by... oh wait, I did that already -- at 365gay.com clearly see, code words like 'abortion prevention' really mean "I am courting the Right Wing and want to institute Christian values throughout the land and also God created Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve,"

Damn her! How dare she think outside the Political Vacuum! If she keeps this up, the Democrats may one day control the debate on morality in the nation! Maybe they'll even win another election!

Oh, and remember: when guns are outlawed, only John Kerry and Howard Dean will have guns. (Wait a minute. That didn't come out the way I wanted it to...)

THE NEW YORK STATE SUPREME COURT CREATES ADAM AND STEVE
Don't go out and buy your bouquets and garters just yet, but a New York State Supreme Court Justice has ruled that the ban on same-sex marriage in the state is unconstitutional.

State Supreme Court Justice Doris Ling-Cohan ruled that the words "husband," "wife," "groom" and "bride" in relevant sections of the Domestic Relations Law "shall be construed to mean `spouse,' and all personal pronouns ... shall be construed to apply equally to either men or women."

Ling-Cohan, ruling for five same-sex couples who were denied marriage licenses, also said the New York City clerk could not deny a marriage license to any couple solely on the ground that the two are of the same sex.

Now, here is the caveat: in New York State, the Supreme Court is not the state's highest court. Oh, it has more authority than the village Justice of the Peace or Traffic Court, but it's not the ultimate authority. This ruling is good, but the battle is far from over.

Still, maybe the ruling will create enough legal ambiguity that Jason West won't have to worry about being raped in the shower for a while. And that's a good thing.

UPDATE: Okay, now it's three days later and Blogger still hasn't posted this fucking entry. How you got through the past weekend without my insightful legal analysis I'll never know.

SIX MORE WEEKS OF WINTER?
Hell no!

In honor of Groundhog Day, Michele has composed a haiku:

Look! It's Phil's shadow!
How will I ever warm up?
Mmmm....mmmm....groundhog stew!

Couldn't have said it any better myself.

ME AND STEPHEN SONDHEIM: CLOSER THAN YOU'D THINK
This close, as a matter of fact. (And only MAK knows how I came to choose Item Number 2.)

"'LOVE' IS ONE OF THE TROJAN HORSES..."
You see, love doesn't mean love. Love is a code word. The 'mos use the word love because saying what we really mean -- that we want to sodomize Boy Scouts and make crystal meth mandatory in grade school and turn middle-aged housewives into sex slaves for Ellen and Rosie -- would be socially unacceptable.

At least, it would be socially unacceptable now. But give us a few years and... But wait -- I've said too much already.

I hate it when the Right Wing sees through our subterfuge. That means we've spent months of work implementing the Gay Agenda that must all be discarded.

The Right Wing was clever to hire an escapee from the lesbian sex slave prison camp. What better way to discover the truth than by flipping an insider? But when we brainwash the population and make everyone gay, Melissa Fryrear will discover the penalty for treason.

In the meantime, we have work to do. I'll see you at our top secret meeting hall at 7:00 tonight. The password is 'Aguilera.'

(Via rawstoryQ)

REAL PEOPLE SPEAK (AND E-MAIL)
Me: I think I’ll use some of my fake-name e-mail accounts to ask him lots of intimate questions. That could be cruelly funny.

Friend: There are two key words in your second sentence - cruelly and funny. I must say that the latter is much more important and cancels out the former.

Me: True. Funny always trumps cruel. Cruel merely enhances funny.

***

Roommate (arriving home): I was afraid you'd be up.

Me: It's 6:15 AM. Most of this city is already up. What are you, nocturnal?

***

Friend: Exactly how much coffee do you make in the morning?

Me: Most mornings, half a pot, supplemented with coffee at the office. At least one pot - sometimes two, if Brady is in town - on the weekends and holidays. Day in; day out. Do you think that's too much?

Friend: Combined with the tobacco, I'm surprised your standing heart rate isn't like a billion and a half.

Me: Not to mention the alcohol abuse and 10 extra pounds and a horrible diet. But my blood pressure is perfect, and my cholesterol is better than perfect. I am a miracle of science. Go figure.

Friend: Like Frankenstein.