BETTER THAN SIX FEET UNDER
I know that making fun of 365gay.com is the blogging equivalent of shooting fish in a very, very, very tiny barrel. Without water. But when I read a gripping article on how to cope with the death of a love one, my Inner Snark just melts away...

And then there’s the mess! No one will have wiped his or her feet before rushing across that beige carpet. And no one will notice that the little night table being shoved out of the way to make room for the defibulator is a priceless antique that means…meant…so much to both of you. And then there’s the state of your place. My gawd, you think. If I’d known so many people were coming, I would have washed the dishes!

For homosexuals, death is even more profoundly tragic than it is for other people. It can be messy, too!

SNAPSHOT REVIEWS
Call me Siskel.

Oh wait... he's dead, isn't he? Then call me Ebert. Just don't try to blame me for Beyond the Valley of the Dolls.

Anyway, since I've seen a bunch of movies over the past week or so (two in the theater; the rest on cable) I thought you'd want to know which were worth your time. If this entry saves you any money, e-mail me and I'll give you my mailing address for your tithe.


Totally Worth Watching

Shaun of the Dead -- This one gets four stars. It's one of those rare movies I wish I had written. Very funny, a bit scary, and -- on a certain level -- it even works as a social satire. Also, a bar (or, as they say in England, a 'pub'... how quaint) is a key location.

The Incredibles -- Give this animated superhero comedy-adventure three and a half stars... losing that half-point because it gets a bit repetitious at times.

The Grifters -- Yes, I know it was made in 1990, but I just saw it again and it still deserves its four stars. Plus, John Cusack was a lot cuter in 1990.


You Could Do Worse

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory -- Sure, you're going to think 'Michael Jackson' the entire time you're watching it, but try to think back to a happier time... when creepy guys in their forties disliked children, instead of molesting them. This movie has a lot of good moments (and some very funny dialogue), but it grinds to a halt whenever the Oompa-Loompas launch into a production number. IMHO, of course. Three stars.

Bewitched -- Go in with limited expectations and you'll be just fine. Just try not to reflect on the squandered potential. And if you really want to protect yourself, make a popcorn run when Steve Carell shows up as Uncle Arthur. Trust. Two and a half quarter stars.


Worse Worst

Lost in Translation -- This -- this! -- was the fabulous movie that the world was raving about last year? Good lord!! If this boring, depressing, joy-sucking waste of film had gone on another 15 minutes, I would have drowned myself in the bathtub. While it isn't unusual for me to wish that characters would die, this movie has the distinction of making me wish the actors would also die. Minus seven stars.


This entry presented as a public service of The Rob Log. And it will probably be updated soon, because I know something's slipped my mind... It's hell getting old.

SPEAKING OF RICKY MARTIN...
Apparently, I got yer Menudo right here.

FROM RUSSIA, WITH LOVE
Who says no good ideas come out of Russia?

UPDATE: Strangest fucking headline ever: "Ricky Martin Seeks End to Arab Stereotypes"

(both via Drudge, by the way)

LOOK WHAT THE GAYS HAVE DONE NOW!
Would all you homos please stop ruining marriage for good, moral Christian Republicans?! Honestly! Is it any wonder normal people oppose your efforts to destroy this sacred institution?

Thank you.

PLEASE, GOD, DON'T LET THEM REPRODUCE
The Smoking Gun has mug shots of a couple arrested for having public sex on Long Island the other day.

Not quite as gross as this, but still more effective than the 'puppies in a blender' trick.

GO HERE NOW

The Amazing Adventures of Lethem & Chabon (via Gawker)

Is it wrong to be jealous that I'm not Famous enough to be a character?

Yet?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?
A few reasons why people around the world want to be just like Americans:

1. Because we try to hold our institutions to the same high standards we set for personal responsibility;

2. Because we know and respect the role of law enforcement (via God's Undies); and

3. Because we value political stability.


By the way... presented without comment, except to note that the GINOs ("Gay In Name Only") certainly have an interesting world view. (Also they insert asides such as '*grin*' with annoying frequency, but that's a personal bitch on my part.)

SWOON
So I'm checking out what's new via Technorati and I see that a new blog has linked to this site: "And Another Thing..." I take a quick look, make sure that it's not written by a Nazi or friend of Sid-O-Rama or some other undesirable, and decide to give Doug over there a reciprocal link.

So far, that's not a story. This is the sort of thing we all do frequently. In fact, I do it even more frequently than most bloggers, because I am so Famous and popular.

Anyway, I just went back to actually read Douglas's blog, and I was suddenly all... whoa! Let me quote:

So, we hung out together for a couple of years, doing things periodically. Things -- not "THINGS."

He was extremely generous and taught me a lot about songwriting (and life), and it was a magical time. Seems like a dream now, but it did back then, too.

Uh... maybe I should explain that Douglas is talking about Stephen Sondheim. Steven Fuckin' Sondheim!!!

Makes for a better story than if Douglas was hanging out with, um, Greg, right? Yeah, I agree. That's even cooler than the night I saw a movie with Paul Bartel.

I think Douglas and Steve and I should all be really close friends, don't you?

STRANGELY ENOUGH, I FELT LIKE THIS AFTER SEEING 'BEWITCHED'

AP: Movie Fan Has Nose Bitten Off in Argument

HOW MY BRAIN WORKS, PART 513
Note to self:

Idea for character in yet-to-be-written, guaranteed-best-seller, suspense novel... international terrorist... born Irish... becomes key IRA operative... then converts to Muslim and uses IRA-honed terrorist skills on behalf of al-Qaeda...

Character's name: Ali McGraw.

Damn I'm good. No wonder I'm famous Famous.



UPDATE: Very strange coincidence. Very strange...

WTF BOOK FOR THE WEEK
And at 250 pages, can we assume there are a lot of pictures?


I dunno... it just seems to me that some things aren't meant for book-learnin'.

And just because it's outselling my books does not meean I'm jealous.

SUCH A BIG BLOG!

PSA: tomorrow -- Saturday, July 16, 2005 -- The Rob Log enters its Terrible Twos.

Thanks for the good times and great friendships. (Except you, of course.)

IF NOT FOR REFERRERS, NO ONE WOULD BE READING THIS BLOG
So thank God for them!

In a few hours, I'm leaving for a long-overdue visit to Washington. In the interest of jacking up my hits over the next few days while I'm away, I would like to quickly mention:

+"Tom Cruise" +"Rob Thomas" +"gay sex"

"Carolyn Kepcher"

perennial TRL search-engine favorite "Luigi Tadini"

+"Linday Lohan" +boobs

"Roy Horn: the Other White Meat"

And, of course, the referrer that keeps on referring, "salad-tossing"

Thank you all for visiting! Come back again soon.

SCOTT-O-RAMA: THE PATHETIC BLOG OF PATHETIC PATHETICISM
Sigh.

I am the bigger man, you know? My time should be spent writing best-selling novels, traveling the world, and curing poverty cancer the DTs. And that's why I walked away from the recent blog-spat with Skip-O-Rama. Ummm... sorry, that's Scott-O-Rama. Easy mistake to make, because no one has heard of the Skip-O-Rama blog, either. Although in the case of Skip-O-Rama, that's understandable, because it doesn't exist.

Anyway, Sk-- Scott-O-Rama just can't seem to accept that I've walked away from this little fantasy rivalry of his, which is sort of like if the dog-catcher in Enid, Oklahoma (that would be Skip) thought he was a serious rival to the Dark Overlord of the Universe (that would be me.) So he goads and he tweaks and he does everything he can to try to push my buttons.

Credit where credit is strangely due, though: most people would have given up in frustration a looooong time ago, but not Skip. He keeps pressing on. I'd call him an Attention Whore if I thought this was a cry for attention, but I'm afraid it's something darker and much more pathological. So Hot Toddy can keep the Attention Whore crown for himself.

Now, though, well... it seems he has won, in a sense, because I am forced to respond. So listen up, Skip-O-Rama!

I will not and never will change my name to Skip-O-Rama's Bitch Rob Byrnes. Understand?

And as for that cute graphic you spent a week creating -- and I, for one, think it's cute that someone is still using MS Paint for their graphic needs! -- I will post it here to show the world your level of desperation, but don't get used to seeing it on this blog.

Finally, let me offer you an olive branch. I've crossed paths with people like you in the past -- usually they are illiterates who are jealous of my literary success, or they're other authors who are jealous of my social standing, or else they're Greg -- and know how to make things better. So here is my offer.

The next time we're in the same city -- and, by that, I mean the next time you're in New York (specifically Manhattan), because I don't do Nevada or wherever it is you're from -- I'll give you an autograph and pose for a picture with you. Okay?

I'm not promising to smile in the picture, but I'll let you take one. Like I said earlier, I'm the bigger man.

And you are quite welcome.

BLOG DISASTER UPDATE
Comments are back. Hurray!

Alas, your old comments have gone to comment heaven live on a farm in the country. I will miss your collective wit and wisdom of the past, but your comments will have to live on in memory. We'll all survive.

One of these days, I'll fix the archive problem. But we continue to make progress, and that's what's important.

UPDATE: I wrote too soon. The old comments have been recovered. Sweeeeet. Is there nothing I can't do?

THAT'S IT, ROB. STICK WITH OUR COVER STORY
If you didn't believe me a few weeks ago when I denied the Famous Author Rob Byrnes/Famous Singer Rob Thomas/Famous Whack-Job Tom Cruise rumors, I now have some supporting evidence: FSRT is also denying the rumors.

Now please stop bothering me and asking me for comments. I will no longer indulge your curiosity, or read your salacious fan-fiction... beyond the first few pages.

Thank you.

HUH

You are Cocaine (aka: coke, crack, snow, 151...).
You are the second most commonly used drug in
the world. You are very witty, talented, perky
person if you can just have the right
opportunity to show to everybody how unique you
are, when you are in a good mood you can reach
a very high point of happiness. You are
classified as class (A and B) illegal drugs.

What kind of Drugs are you? and how that reflect your personality?
brought to you by Quizilla

EDITORIAL NOTE: Nothing in this entry is meant to advocate the use of illegal controlled substances. Not since 1995, that is.

BLOG WITHOUT A PAST
Fuck! I think I just destroyed 22 months of archived posts with one stupid, mistaken click.

Fortunately, you've committed everything to memory, right? Good.

UPDATE: Okay, I made a bit of progress. On Friday (when this entry was composed) I couldn't even post. After copying the old source code and putting it into a new template, I'm making progress. Still no comments (which I can always start again from scratch) or archives, although I know the archives still exist. Since I have to work for a living, I'll get to those things when I get to them. In the meantime, if you really need to contact me, you know how to e-mail.

EVAN HUNTER, RIP
ED McBAIN, RIP
Salvatore Lombino, too, apparently.

THANK YOU, BABY JESUS!
God has smiled on the world for the past few months, and -- for this -- we should be thankful.

First, He saved Star Jones from last December's tsunami in Asia. Now, He has saved Omarion from the carnage in London.

And let me add that He has also protected me from harm. I was in London -- less than a dozen blocks from one of the bomb blasts, if my eyeballing of the map in this morning's New York Post was on target -- just five short years ago. And I have been in the Atlantic Ocean and Caribbean Sea on several occasions, quite likely encountering water particles that would later become tsunami-ized. Yes, I consider myself lucky, and grateful to God for smiling on me... more than he smiles on you.

When you say your prayers tonight, please remember the victims of the London terrorist attack. But also remember me, Star, and Omarion.

Because when tragedy strikes, we deserve your attention.

Omarion Contemplates Global Destruction

I'M READY FOR MY CLOSE-UP
To: Super-Agent Katherine
From: Famous Author Rob Byrnes
Re: Pseudo-Reality TV

As you'll recall, in the recent past we've discussed ways in which we might work with the new LOGO cable channel. This weekend I had a revelation, and I think it's workable. Introducing...

"Fat Author!"

Let me flesh this out for you. Uummm... no pun intended. The series opens as I go out to sit in the sun for the first time this season. I'm horrified later to discover that although my chest and stomach are burned, there is a noticable pale line across my upper abdomen where my belly folded up and protected the skin from the sun. My reaction -- something we can make a personal trademark, like slapping my forehead and muttering, "Oy, vey!", which is funny when a WASP does it -- brings the audience to tears. Tears of laughter, that is.

Cut to: the next day. I'm using a friend's bathroom and notice his scale. I think about this for a while... I haven't stood on a scale for more than a year. But I am courageous, and step onto it... then watch in horror as the scale passes 170 and keeps spinning until it reaches 193.5! I quickly strip off my cargo shorts and deck shoes and try again. 190.5!

Of course you know what happens next. That's right: Slap! "Oy, vey!"

That's when I decide to take action, and no longer pretend that my clothes are tight because the cleaners shrunk them. And that's where we have a show!

The situations in this sit-com just seem to write themselves. For instance, my coterie of friends assistants -- Steven, Craig, and Greg -- would be there to provide whacky interaction and share smokes. And it would be fun to feature celebrity friends of mine, like Teej, Becks, and Blossom.

I also think we have some great opportunity for physical comedy, which will be a nice change of pace from the cerebral, intellectual humor I'm ordinarily associated with. The gym alone would be a goldmine of ideas, such as a treadmill that speeds up uncontrollably, equipment that collapses beneath me, strange encounters in the locker room, etc.

Get back to me on this idea at your earliest convenience. I think we've got a winner here, and I pledge to not lose a pound if I can in any way justify that through art.

Yours,

FARB

PERSONALLY, I BLAME THE BRITS THAT HANG OUT AT POSH
Like him, for instance.

Your Slanguage Profile

British Slang: 50%

New England Slang: 50%

Victorian Slang: 50%

Canadian Slang: 25%

Prison Slang: 25%

Southern Slang: 25%

Aussie Slang: 0%

What Slanguage Do You Speak?

(via Becky, who is also responsible for this:)

You scored as Materialist. Materialism stresses the essence of fundamental particles. Everything that exists is purely physical matter and there is no special force that holds life together. You believe that anything can be explained by breaking it up into its pieces. i.e. the big picture can be understood by its smaller elements. Materialist 69% Postmodernist 56% Cultural Creative 56% Romanticist 56% Existentialist 44% Modernist 38% Fundamentalist 38% Idealist 38% What is Your World View? (updated) created with QuizFarm.com

And speaking of Becky, the poor girl has lost her mind. Must be the hot Texas sun. How else to explain her abandonment of me as her favorite second-favorite other author. Would someone send her some ice or something?

OFFICIAL DENIAL
I have held back on this announcement for a few days, hoping that the gossip would just go away, but it appears I will have to address it.

For the record, I have not been having gay homosexual sex with Tom Cruise, or Rob Thomas, or Tom Cruise and Rob Thomas.

I can understand why you won't let the rumors die, because those are sort of hot mental images, but none of it happened. To the best of my knowledge, Tom Cruise and Rob Thomas have never even had a gay homosexual thought in their lives. Probably.

But thanks for thinking of me!

YES. EXACTLY.

"salad tossing is the standard means of paying homage around here"

Googlism -- what is salad-tossing

EVERY TIME I TRY TO GET OUT, THEY PULL ME BACK IN
I'm sorry; I hate to be a nag about these things, but this is just fucking inexcusable:

"Nirvana in Ptown: Gus Van Zant gives Kurt Cobain the bio treatment. Hedda Lettuce misplaces her prostate. Oprah’s raps Hermès in Paris."

Today's assignment: tell me what is glaringly wrong about the above headline/sub-head. (And -- lest you think I'm jumping on a typo -- let me add that the glaring error is repeated at least four more times in the article.)

Then tell me how many times I should bitch-slap the writer and editor as punishment.