THURSDAY IS AN OFFICIAL 'NO FUN' DAY
Nice way to start the day when the Chairman of your Board of Directors phones to say that he's convening a meeting of the Executive Committee to discuss issues, and you know that you're the issue because you're not invited to the meeting. Right? That's the sort of thing that really makes you treasure the 60 hours a week or so you spend at the office.

Not to worry, kiddies. I'm very, very busy and pissed that I have to contend with this distraction, but I'm not planning on going anywhere. I'm confident that this is a one-man jihad, not a serious performance problem.

Still, the organ-grinder wants some dancing, so I'll dance. Dance and have revenge fantasies... but dance.

Therefore, it's doubtful you'll be hearing from me for a few days. If you miss me terribly, send e-mail. If not, don't.

PS: I'm planning on unwinding this evening, 'cause (a.) I'm annoyed and (b.) it's GDW. Er... that's 'Good Drinking Weather' for you, the uninitiated. If you'd care to join me in the 6:00 range, I'll be at Posh.

Later!

AND WHILE WE'RE AT IT, WHAT ARE ALL THESE WOMENFOLK DOING AT THE POLLS?
Miller: Legislatures Should Pick Senators
(Via Drudge)

NATURAL SCIENCES 101:
In this course students will explore such topics as how trees
pollute the earth's atmosphere, and the role of ketchup and
other vegetables in the food chain. No previous coursework
required.
This headline just writes its own jokes, doesn't it?

Supporters Plan Ronald Reagan University

THE 'SMOKERS AGAINST SMOKING' RECRUITMENT DRIVE HAS APPARENTLY COMMENCED
So I'm standing outside work a while ago, taking a smoking break, when a thirtysomething woman approaches and asks me for a cigarette. Even though I'm thinking, 'Are you kidding? These things are, like, a dollar each in New York,' I offer her a Marlboro Light because I was raised to be a gentleman, and a gentleman always holds the door open for a woman, precedes her through the revolving door, and -- when asked -- offers her an oral carcinogen that will result in a lingering, painful, suffocating death.

She looks at the pack in my hands.

"What's that? Is there a stamp?"

"These are legal," I say. "Just like you'd buy at the newsstand."

She looks again, and says, "Can I see them?"

I hand her the pack warily, ready to stop her if she tries to pull a cig-snatching. But she merely looks at the tax stamp and says, "I don't know. This tax stamp is from Virginia."

"Yes, well, I was there last weekend and bought a carton." Because it makes a lot more sense to buy cigarettes in a state where they practically give them away with each Happy Meal, instead of in Manhattan (motto: "The Healthiest Little Big City in the World!")

"I don't know." She slowly hands me back the pack.

"If you don't want one--"

"It's just that I don't know if it's okay. Sometimes these stamps..." She trails off, and I have no idea where she's going with this.

I smile, trying to mask my annoyance. "It's legal. It's just from Virginia."

She shakes her head. I begin to slide the pack back into my pocket, but stop when she says, "Maybe..." Then she trails off again.

"Do you want one or not?" I'm no longer trying to hide my annoyance.

"I want one." I begin to bring the pack out of my pocket. "But I shouldn't."

I sigh.

"And anyway," she says, flashing a sunny smile as she turns from me, "smoking is bad for you."

I want to tell her that, yes, smoking is bad. But it's better than getting your head bashed with an ashtray by someone you've thoroughly pissed off.

But then she was gone and the opportunity for either of those actions vanished. Dammit.

REALITYLAND, POPULATION 138 MILLION
(or however many damn people live in this city)
Okay, so I confessed my bland white picket fence fantasy. Now it's time to remember one of the reasons why I love this city: theater.

There is, of course, spontaneous theater-on-the-street, which is always interesting. But in this particular instance, I'm referring to good old fashioned theater-on-the-stage. I don't see nearly enough (and right now I'm over-the-top envious that my former roommate saw Assassins the other night, and I'll probably miss it), but I do get to see a preview of Bombay Dreams tonight, so I'll get my fix.

The question is: how satisfying will that fix be? I have a natural aversion to Andrew Lloyd Webber, but since I'm on a benefit committee for the local office of the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children and we're building a fundraiser around this show, I sort of have an obligation to go. After reading a few articles about Bombay Dreams, it sounds like something I could get into... and, if not, well... I've seen worse theater.

* I had a beet stuffed in my mouth at one show. I hate beets. I really hated the show.

* An entire row of my friends walked out of Dream. I think we were polite enough to wait for intermission, but I can't be sure.

* Even if we did leave during intermission, it could not have been ruder than the time a friend of mine went to see Lesley Gore starring in Smoky Joe's Cafe and got the giggles. For all two hours of the show. So bad that I was crying, and my ribs hurt from laughing. But listen: that was not my fault. Well, okay... maybe I was the person who first suggested that Lesley looked and danced frighteningly like Linda Hunt, but if my friend hadn't started to laugh so infectiously, there probably wouldn't have been such a serious problem.

* And then there was the guy who dressed in drag. And portrayed his own grandmother. And the grandmother ran an adult bookstore. (Come to think of it, I got the giggles during that, too.)

So I'm pretty well prepared for whatever happens tonight. Unless I start giggling.

Maybe I should double-check to make sure Lesley Gore isn't in this play...

FANTASYLAND, POPULATION ONE
I love living in Manhattan. Love, love, love it. Total, unconditional love.

So why is it that I've had recurring fantasies for the past month or so about living in a small house on a quiet suburban cul-de-sac with Bradykins? Cooking on the grill out on the patio, lounging by the pool, listening to the screams of the neighborhood kids as they play kick-the-can by twilight...

Maybe I just need a vacation. Maybe too much of a good thing is still too much. Yeah, that's got to be it...

SO CLOSE, AND YET SO FAR
Hmm. Moments ago I received a brand new type of spam. (I hope this means that the Nigerian millionaires haven't given up on me. I'll miss them.) "Leonardo" writes:

"LADY READ MY LETTER PLEASE"
Oops. I think Leonardo is under a misunderstanding. Maybe 'Rob' is a girl's name in Italy.

"hi I'M AN ITALIAN GUY,I LIVE IN ITALY AND MY NAME IS LEONARDO. I'm writing to you because maybe you can help me. HERE IN ITALY I DON'T HAVE A GOOD FUTURE BECAUSE THERE IS THE RECESSION-THE DOWN SWING CAUSATED BY OUR NEW MONEY-THE EURO AND ALSO CAUSATED BY OUR GOVERNMENT THAT IS NOT ABLE TO GIVE A HIGHER SALARY TO THE PEOPLE,NOW OUR SALARIES VALUE THE HALF AND THE PRICES OF THE THINGS ARE ALMOST THE DOUBLE."
I know, Leonardo, I know. That 'salaries value the half and the prices of the things are almost the double' thing is very Manhattan, too.

"I'M HERE BECAUSE I'M LOOKING FOR A SUGARMAMMA IN USA AND LATER I COULD ALSO FIND SOMETHING TO DO . I HAVE ALWAYS HAD THE DREAM TO FIND A WEALTHY LADY WHO LIVES IN SOUTH EAST FLORIDA,RIGHT IN THE PALM BEACH COUNTY.....I LIKE ESPECIALLY DELRAY BEACH BUT ALSO I FEEL ATTRACTED BY BOCA RATON..POMPANO BEACH ,JUPITER OR STUART."
Again with the mistaken sexual identity? Not to worry, Leonardo; I can throw on a caftan or something, and play 'sugarmamma' for you. The good news here is that my father and stepmother are snowbirds in... in... well, somewhere in Florida, so we'll have a place to stay. Except for the reproductive equipment and the money, we're just about there in fulfilling your dream.

"CONSIDERING THAT I LIKE THE MATURE WOMEN AND CONSIDERING I KNOW THAT THERE ARE MANY WEALTHY WOMEN IN PALM BEACH COUNTY AND MANY OF THESE WOMEN FEEL LONELY OR DOWN TOO....I'D LOVE TO FIND AN OLDER WOMAN TO COME BACK TO LIVE IN SOUTH FLORIDA.I'M ALSO OPEN TO KNEW PLACES,THEN ALSO NORTH EAST FLORIDA. I SEEK A GENTLE LADY WHO LIVES IN A POOL HOUSE NEAR THE SEA,AGE 40/55 YO,WITHOUT YOUNG OR OLD CHILDREN,A NO SMOKER LADY WHO COULD BE WIDOWED,SEPARATED,SINGLE OR DIVORCED AND COULD TAKE CARE OF ME.I THINK THAT SHE COULD BE OUT THERE AND I COULD ALSO FIND SOMETHING TO DO IN FLORIDA MAYBE LATER."
Good news and bad news, Leo: I fit your age specifications, and I have no children, and I'm not legally married (although, yes, I have been separated and divorced more times than I care to think about.) But I do smoke, and I can see that this might present a problem in our budding relationship. Would it be okay if I only smoked in the garage or something?

"WITH THIS I 'M NOT SAYING THAT I WANT A MILLIONAIRES,IF THERE'S ONE THAT'S OK BUT I JUST SEEK AN AVERAGE RICH WOMAN AND I THINK THAT SHE WOULD BE HAPPY AND I WOULD BE HAPPY STAYING WITH HER TOO..I'D LIKE AN AMERICAN LADY OR ALSO A LATIN LADY. I'D LIKE A WOMAN THAT FIGURES OUT OF THE YEARS ,LOOKS YOUNG OR LOOKS GOOD AND FEELS YOUNG ,SHE COULD BE A SEX BOMB OR NOT, IT'S NOT A PROBLEM IF SHE IS A LITTLE BIT OVERWEIGHT...OR BUSTY...OR IF SHE IS NOT BEAUTIFUL ,SHE SHOULD BE BEAUTIFUL INSIDE.I JUST WOULD LIKE A WOMAN WHO FEELS SEXY AND MOST OF ALL..SHE SHOULD DESIRE A YOUNGER SOULMATE."
Ah! Now we're back on track (except for that whole 'woman' thing.) You'll be happy to know that people tell me I look younger than my age, and I know I'm beautiful on the inside, except for maybe my heart, lungs, and liver. And I do feel sexy, and desire younger soulmates. Like you, Leonardo, I consider myself to be young at heart, while it lasts. One other thing you should know: I would be considered 'average rich' in many places in the world, like Bangladesh and Mali. Think about it!

"Being openminded i could accept a lady even if she is bisexual. I HAVE LONG BROWN HAIR, BROWN EYES,MY WEIGHT IS 65 KILOS/143 LBS AND MY HEIGHT IS 1.80 METRES/5.11...I'M NO SMOKER/DRINKER AND I'M VERY GOOD LOOKING . IF YOU THINK YOU COULD BE THE KINDA WOMAN I'M LOOKING FOR WRITE ME SOON PLEASE"
You sound sort of on the skinny side, but... Wait. You don't drink, either? Hmm. Can I drink wine in the garage while I'm smoking? This could be a deal-breaker.

"MEN,GAY,TRANSEX OR JOKES
DON'T BOTHER ME
--LEONARDO"
Oh shoot. I guess we're not to be, Leo, since I am three of those things (that'd be men, gay, and joke.) Too bad. We would have made such a cute Florida couple... you in your speedo by the pool, me in my caftan, sitting in the garage drinking and smoking. Sigh.

I'll never forget you, Leonardo! Never! Ciao!

BONUS: IF YOU GO, I THINK YOU'LL SEE ME THERE:
Crash talked Michael and I into attending this the other night, and -- surprisingly -- it's still on our calendars. This, despite the promised presence of my arch-enemy, Cumming. Anyway, try to stop by, 'kay? Sunday afternoon cocktails = good.

SUNDAY, APRIL 25th, AT 1 P.M., GOTHAM KNIGHTS' SECOND ANNUAL BACHELOR AUCTION AT SPLASH BAR, 50 W. 17TH ST., NEW YORK CITY Suggested donation: $10. Join hosts Alan Cumming and Flotilla DeBarge as they put 40 Gotham Knights rugby players on the auction block; each with unique date packages that are sure to tempt every bidder. The doors open at 1p.m. with a chance to meet the bachelors. The live auction begins at 2 p.m. A portion of the proceeds from this event will go to benefit Live Out Loud dedicated to empowering, energizing, and enabling lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgendered youth to live the life of their dreams. For more info, go to www.gothamrfc.org or contact Brian at brian@646guy.com . To see the bachelors, go to http://gothamrfc.org/bach/auction04.htm

I AM MY OWN RITA?
So wrong. So wrong. Crying here...

THE RITES OF SPRING
Ah, Manhattan in springtime. Sunny skies, warm weather, and naked homosexuals having sex in trees.

PARK SEX DUO GETS COPS UP TREE
(Money quote: "We thought it was an ecological statement for Earth Day, but it's just transvestites." Heh heh.)

Like most gay people, I didn't exactly get a parade from my family when I came out. But it wouldn't have occurred to me to take things that far. I guess I'm just lacking in creativity.

The good news is that the weather is supposed to be very nice tomorrow. Anyone want to meet me in Central Park? Noon-ish?

THE EVER-EXPANDING BLOGROLL OF FAME
I don't know why, exactly, this is, but over the past few weeks I've added a number of new blogs to the sidebar. Compulsive need to be loved? Maybe. Impulsive whimsy? Maybe. Repulsive work ethic leading me to waste time adding blogs to the sidebar instead of actually working? Almost certainly.

In any event, check them out, and enjoy. Or not. (I'm feeling very wishy-washy today.)

APB
When last sighted, Crash was in the company of a fellow blogger and my ex, drinking heavily in a Morningside Heights gay bar. If you spot him, contact 911 immediately. Do not -- repeat, do not -- attempt to apprehend him by yourself.

In other news, the reading went well last night. And the binge drinking went better.

NOT TO STEAL WONKETTE'S THUNDER, BUT...
State Senate Majority Leader Joseph Bruno said Wednesday that when it comes to working with his fellow Republican, Gov. George Pataki, the two "make love" _ most of the time...

"I don't mind making love to you, just don't ask me to marry you," the governor said.
Newsday: Bruno proclaims love _ most of the time _ for Pataki

YOU WEREN'T DOING ANYTHING IMPORTANT TONIGHT ANYWAY
Remember: this evening is my First Reading Ever. Naturally, you'll want to be there:
Wednesday, April 21
7:00 PM
at the
Ding-Dong Lounge
929 Columbus Avenue (105-106)
Manhattan
Hear excerpts from
Famous Author Rob Byrnes ("Trust Fund Boys")
Bart Yates ("Leave Myself Behind)
Tom Dolby ("The Trouble Boy")

Side benefits: cocktails, meeting some my friends, cocktails, potential appearances by Special Guest Bloggers, cocktails, not getting gossiped about behind your back, cocktails.

See you in a few hours!

SOMEONE'S VERY SPECIAL DAY...
You have an assignment for today. It's Bradykins's 34th Birthday, and -- whether you know him or not -- you're going to e-mail him to wish him a Happy Birthday.

Happy Birthday, Bradykins!

There. Didn't that feel good? Don't worry... I'll take care of the rest of the birthday present.

BLOGS THAT MAKE YOU GO HMMMM
Have you ever stumbled across someone's web log and couldn't stop reading? No, not because it was witty and clever and insightful; because it was this big ol' trainwreck of a site full of raw emotion, mad ramblings, and -- best of all -- a complete lack of discretion.

Sort of like if Anne Heche had a blog. And if she was a gay man. When it wasn't necessarily convenient. And for an extended period of time.

No? Well if you do, feel free to tell me about it. As for me, I'm keeping my own counsel on this matter.

HOW DO YOU SOLVE A PROBLEM LIKE G. W.?

GOD STILL HATES SHRIMP, SINNERS!
Remember this? Only Connect took it a step further a while ago, and visited a Christian chat room to spread the word. Hilarity ensued.
(Via Sixth Borough)

IT'S ALMOST LIKE A REAL BOOK!
How cool. A few minutes ago, someone from Kensington popped into my office with a copy of Trust Fund Boys. Hot off the presses... final... no changes allowed... this is what the world will see on the shelves in just a few short weeks...

Yay!

On a related note, remember that I'm reading at the Ding Dong Lounge Wednesday night with authors Bart Yates and Tom Dolby, who have written two of the most well-received pieces of gay fiction in recent years. Details are in the sidebar. If you can make it, say hi. (And, no, I still haven't decided what I'm going to read. Stop pressuring me!!)

MEANWHILE, IN OUR NATION'S CAPITOL, THE INTELLECTUAL CONVERSATION CONTINUED TO FLOW LIKE OAKY CHARDONNAY THIS PAST WEEKEND...
Bradykins: Straight Friend from Wyoming #1, SFfW #2, this is my boyfriend, Rob.
SFfW #2: Nice to meet you, Rob. Maybe you can answer a question Bradykins won't answer for us.
Rob: Which is...?
Bradykins and SFfW #1: (Oh dear...)
SFfW #2: Which one of you is the pitcher, and which one is the catcher?
Rob: ...
...
...
SFfW #2: You aren't sure?
Rob: No, I'm sure. Let's just say that we're both shortstops, and leave it at that.

'THE L WORD: THE NEXT GENERATION'
I know this isn't funny -- really, I know it, so don't leave nasty comments -- but exactly how much drama do these people need in their lives? Sheesh... they make me and my friends look like the Cleavers.

Lesbian Survives West Village Assault

And Susan Brownmiller somehow gets involved, too? Heh. Too juicy to resist! I can't wait for the movie...

IMMEDIATE NEEDS
One of you must get over to my office and work these knots out of my back immediately. Manhattan. Third Avenue. East Fifties. You can see me at my desk from the sidewalk across the street. Wave, and I'll let you into the office.

See you in a few...

SANTORUM WAS RIGHT

(Egregiously stolen -- Santorum joke and all -- from Wonkette)

E-MAIL WITH MY ROOMMATE, VOLUME WHATEVER
Or, Yes, TRL Is Turning Into TMFTML

Rob: Did Bradykins call last night after I went to bed?
Roommate: Yes, He wanted to know where you were.
Rob: He knew where I was. We talked an hour earlier.
Roommate: I told him you were asleep.
Rob: He knew that. Little drunkard.
Roommate: Him? Me? You? Or all three of us?
Rob: Him. You and I are big drunkards.
Roommate: We sure as shit were last night.
Rob: Were you drunk last night? I was too drunk to notice.

DOES THIS SECOND CHIN MAKE ME LOOK FAT?
I was a fat boy growing up. In fact, I was a fat boy until I was almost thirty. I'm just a sliver over six feet tall, and at one point I tipped the scales at 230. That might look fine on some steroid-pumped muscle man, but it just looks like, well, a lot of fat on a frame that hadn't been in a gym since escaping the state-mandated high school phys ed requirement.

But around the time I was bearing down on my thirtieth birthday -- a time when I was also coming out and embracing my Inner 'Mo -- I started dropping weight. It was actually fairly easy... so easy, in fact, that I'll share my tips with you:

1. Beer is more fattening than scotch. (That may not be technically true, but scotch gets you drunker on less, so it still works.)

2. Alcohol suppresses your appetite. The key to weight loss is a healthy diet.

3. If you have a limited back account, get your priorities straight: Food costs money and alcohol costs money. You can only choose one. Choose wisely.

(Damn, this is starting to sound like TMFTML... I'd better move on.)

So I got my weight more or less under control, down into the 180-185 range. So far, so good. Then, yet another decade later, I finally started hitting the gym. I did gain a tiny bit of muscle, of course, but -- on the scale -- it was more than offset by the fat I lost doing cardio. Which was fine with me. Cardio is crucially important if you don't have any immediate plans to quit drinking and smoking.

But a new problem developed: at 165 pounds, people told me I looked too thin. And let me tell you: my ego is too fragile to absorb frequent references to Skeletor.

The sad fact is that when I try to create a leaner body for myself, my face develops a jawline and cheekbones that could cut paper. But putting on weight for a fuller, more healthy-looking face means that I'll also be putting on weight for a fuller, more... uh... comfortable butt. (And kids, let me assure you that even under the best circumstances, I don't have a lot of leeway there if I'm ever going to see a beach again and not get harpooned.)

So here's my dilemma: I've now been out of the gym habit for a while, but I'm thinking of going back. Do I go, and be healthy? Or do I stay away, and look healthy? Or is there a third option (e.g., grafting my healthy-looking head on Toby's body)?

As always, I eagerly await your advice, which I will then probably ignore.

THE SECRETS OF FAMOUS AUTHOR ROB BYRNES REVEALED!
(Not really. I just liked the sound of it as the title for this entry.)

Thanks to all of you who took the First Official "How Well Do You Know Famous Author Rob Byrnes" Quiz... especially the brave souls who clearly didn't know me at all. Not surprisingly, Michael Vernon scored 100%; since he's frequently in my presence, and therefore frequently hearing about me and my exotic, jet-setting life full of intrigue and fabulousness, anything less would be unacceptable.

Here's a quick recap of the quiz and answers:

1. What city was Rob born in?
The correct answer: Rochester, NY
Almost everyone got this right. Good job. I have actually lived in all four choices (the others were New York City, Albany and Schenectady), so it shows that you've been paying attention. Your score: 86%

2. When he isn't writing wildly popular novels, what is Rob's day job?
The correct answer: President of a not-for-profit corporation
This was another question that almost everyone got right. And the two incorrect answers -- Development Director for a Not-For-Profit and Freelance Technical Writer -- weren't obscenely wrong. Your score: 71%

3. And what about Rob's siblings?
The correct answer: A sister who's a lawyer and a brother who's a doctor
This one was admittedly tougher, since I don't talk about my family all that often. But I have made passing references to both Lawyer Marje and Doctor Tim in the past. Your score: 57%


4. Rob's boyfriend is better known on his blog as:
The correct answer: Bradykins
Sorry, there are no excuses for not knowing about Brady, aka Bradykins. The other options (the HMB, Josita Loca, and Mowgli) are names of exes, and therefore are not mentionable at TRL. Actually, that's not true. Maybe one of these days I'll write a little something on ex-boyfriends, if for no other reason than to explain how they earned their nicknames. Your score: 86%

5. Rob graduated from:
The correct answer: Union College (Schenectady, NY)
Yes, the University of Rochester sounds logical, but I really did spend four years of my life in Schenectady. Your score: 57%

6. His college degree was in:
The correct answer: Political Science
Strangely enough, almost everyone got this one. I suppose the fact that only one person selected English Lit tells me what you think of my writing skills, and the fact that no one chose Computer Science tells me what you think of my web site... *sniff* Your score: 86%

7. The world knows that Rob's novels are THE NIGHT WE MET and the upcoming TRUST FUND BOYS. But in which anthology was he first published:
The correct answer: "Strange Bedfellows"
Wow! You really impressed me by knowing this. Now buy the damn book! Your score: 86%

8. What is Rob's full name?
The correct answer: Robert Charles Byrnes, Jr.
This was a nasty thing I did to you. You had no way of knowing this. And you didn't. Heh. Your score: 14%

9. Drink of choice? Food of choice?
The correct answer: White wine. Food?
There were no truly wrong answers to this question, but there was a truly correct answer. Oh wait, there was a wrong answer: I stopped drinking beer (and everything else carbonated) a long time ago. But red wine and scotch are my back-up drinks; I am very much a white wine sort of guy. For the record, I do eat... but you know how your appetite is suppressed after a few drinks? Yeah? Well, there you go. Your score: 57%

10. And finally, let's talk about fashion. Which of the following groupings are most closely associated with his personal style?
The correct answer: Suits; ties; Ralph Lauren polo ponies; pastels; khakis... in short, WASP City
I own one pair of jeans. I own sweats for the sole purpose of going to the gym. I own no Prada. I would, granted, shop at Barneys and Bloomingdale's if I had the money, but... alas, see the answer to question #2. However, I am the King of Khaki, and my closets are bursting with a rainbow of pastels. And I'm also one of those rare men who looks forward to looping a tie around his neck. You folks seem to know that, too, 'cause... Your Score: 57%

Thanks again for playing, everyone. Michael, you win the new car. The rest of you get Rice-A-Roni, the San Francisco Treat!

DAMN, I'M GOOD
The Boi From Troy-Wonkette Honorariest Homo Poll has come to a close, and, well... I hate to sound immodest, but through the advocacy of the skilled political hands at TRL, John Derbyshire will, in fact, sip the sweet, sweet nectar of victory.

I haven't really spoken to Derb, but I'm bucking for the position of Press Secretary, so I'll just go ahead and speak for him, anyway. We both thank you for recognizing the homo-liness that is the core of Derb: the sodomy-obsessed lover of opera and Ethel Merman.

And since Derb thinks that consensual gay male sex is the same as prison rape, I think it's appropriate to insert (heh heh... I wrote 'insert') what can only be his mug shot here:


See? Internet-based campaigns can work!

THANK GOD IT'S FRIDAY OH GOD IT'S MONDAY
You know what really sucks? How about spending an entire weekend -- a holiday weekend -- working at home. Hours and hours and hours of work.

You know what sucks even more? Getting into the office Monday morning before 7:00 AM only to discover that your computer can't read the disk that holds all that work, and you have to start over from scratch.

Crying...

I REFUSE TO BE THIS MONTH'S JOE TRIPPI!
Karen Hughes is starting to give the official TRL candidate John Derbyshire a run for his money in the Honorariest Homo Poll. While I admit that Ms. Hughes seems to be particularly, uh, suspect, a little birdie has tipped me off to a web site chock full of Derb quotes that make it clear he is worthy of this title, including:

"Let us consider what is in people's minds - - - when homosexuality is mentioned? Buggery, that's what."
- John Derbyshire, April 25, 2001

"More to the point - - - is a widespread revulsion, found in both genders, all times and all places and cultures,
towards the man who plays the part of a woman."
- John Derbyshire, April 25, 2001

"There is a fundamental human contempt towards a man who permits himself to be penetrated"
- John Derbyshire, April 25, 2001

"Even those penetrations consented to and not forced lower the status of the person so penetrated ...
The penetrator is engaging in an act of domination, desecration and humiliation of another ..."
- John Derbyshire, April 25, 2001

"Women expect a certain amount of penetration as coming with the territory of femaleness ... "
- John Derbyshire, April 25, 2001

Come on, folks, he wrote all these quotes on a single day! Between the quotes and this picture

isn't this the man you'd like to see wearing the Honorary Homo Tiara? Karen Hughes was never so deserving!

Once again, vote Derb! NOW!

DERBYSHIRE WINS!!
Exciting news from Boi From Troy land: my candidate - National Review's loathesome John Derbyshire - overwhelmingly won the BFT-Wonkette Honorariest Homo Poll in the Wildcard division. Now Derb advances to the finals, where he faces off with Dubya and Karen Hughes.

As Derb's campaign manager, I ask again that you vote early and often. "Honorariest Homo" is a tiara I'm sure Derb will wear proudly. (And if you need any more convincing, read through his March Diary. The guy is not only obsessed with homosexuality, he's an Ethel Merman fan, fer chrissakes!)

Rally 'round the (honorary) fag, kids! Vote Derbyshire!

CALL ME A PRUDE, BUT THIS DOESN'T SOUND LIKE FUN TO ME
A Wayne County woman has been sentenced to three years in prison
for setting a friend on fire in a consensual foreplay act.

THE MYSTERY OF BARBARA BUSH HAS BEEN SOLVED!
Or has it? Click on the picture... and remember that you read it here first.

(Via Wonkette)

JOHN DERBYSHIRE PROBABLY THOUGHT IT WAS TRUE, TOO
Trustee seeks apology for spoof photo;
Parents opposing a school program used a picture
from a satirical newspaper on their pamphlets.
(Via Fark)

Read the original story here.

And speaking of Derbyshire, remember to vote for him in the Honorary Homo Wildcard Poll.

TWO WORDS I NEVER THOUGHT I'D TYPE:
ELECT DERBYSHIRE
For the past week or so, the unholiest alliance since Hitler and Stalin -- none other than Boi From Troy and Wonkette -- have been entertaining the masses and risking libel suits with their "Honorary Homo" polls to determine the gayest-seeming members of (or affiliated with) the Bush Administration. Dubya himself took top honors for the boys, and Karen Hughes just edged Evil Ann Coulter by a whisker for the Sapphic set.

Now comes the fun part: the Honorary Homo Wildcard Poll.

I have taken it upon myself to act as John Derbyshire's campaign manager, because anyone who's such a knee-jerk homophobe must be hiding something. Please -- I'm begging here -- get thee to the Boi's poll and click one for the Derb!

We can win this, TRLers. Derb deserves no less!

Honorary Homo Wildcard Poll

"Jamie laughed. Jamie laughed.
Jamie nodded. Jamie scowled."
THE HIDDEN POETRY IN TRUST FUND BOYS
I don't know what compelled me to do this (oh right, it was this) but I ran the Trust Fund Boys manuscript through Microsoft Word's Autosummarize feature.

Admittedly, I aimed low, and had the program boil a 115,000 word document to less than 1%. But that 1% is pure poetry.

(It's not coherent, of course, but what poetry is?)

AND SPEAKING OF TRUST FUND BOYS: Around two minutes ago, I got e-mail from my fellow famous Kensington author Bart Yates nailing down the time for our April 21 reading. It's 7:00 PM, folks. (See the sidebar for more details.) If you're free that evening, come on down and see the Famous Author in action.

RobBot-dot-com: THE NEXT WAVE OF CUTTING EDGE WEB TECHNOLOGY
With kinja, the Nick Denton Web Empire has added another powerful new tool for the blogging community. Now you can browse a regularly-updated digest of your favorites at your convenience for new content. No longer will you waste valuable hours and risk your health arduously clicking down the links on your blogroll. This is a revolution in the making!

But wait: there's more! I have exciting news! I'm breaking an embargo here, but I'm sure Nick will understand. Coming in June from Gawker Media... (you should imagine there's a drumroll here)... (and here)... (and still here)...

RobBot!

Imagine! The best ideas of Denton melded to an individual person (albeit a very famous author.) It's like Lewis and Clark... Laurel and Hardy... chocolate and peanut butter. This will be a very innovative and exciting beta trial, and we're still trying to work out all the bugs, but under the RobBot-dot-com umbrella, here are a few of the things you can expect to find:

Robber -- Snarky observations centered on the New York media and flip-offs of B-List celebrities, with just enough 'in the moment' sassiness that it will be barely recognizable as the English language in four months!

Robbette -- Hey, I spent one career in politics, and no one can be more irreverent than me. Plus, I can write about ass-fucking, too!

FleshRob -- Naked pictures of me on the Internet! I mean, more naked pictures of me on the Internet!

RobModo -- Okay, now this is the one with the bugs. I will be getting all techie here, as soon as I learn how to turn on my toaster.

Robja -- What good are all these blogs if you don't know when I've updated? Just pop on over to Robja and get your up-to-date updated updates!

If everything works well for the RobBot-dot-com blog family, the project can be expanded to include... well... everybody! Some day we all can be completely blogged, from birth to death [memo to Nick: Hmm... Death Blog? I can see a 'Last Word in Blogging' PR campaign being very well-received. Think it over.]

So watch this space as we role out RobBot-dot-com. For once, don't be late to the revolution!

BEFORE DRUDGE... BEFORE WONKETTE... BEFORE EVEN THE BOI FROM TROY... TRL REMAINS YOUR SOURCE FOR IMPORTANT BREAKING NEWS!!
Texas House candidate, onetime cross-dresser says he won't bow out

So wrong... so wrong... I hope they burn those photographs.

TUESDAY AFTERNOON NARCISSISM
Remember how I wrote yesterday that I was going to be largely absent due to the crushing pressures of work?

Well, I lied.

Don't get me wrong: between work, personal thingies, and finances, I'm feeling mega-stress. But the knots in my shoulders are precisely the reason why I feel compelled to offer myself a bit of diversion. So instead of getting all angsty, I made us all a little quiz to see how well you know me. If you've been reading TRL, this should be fairly easy. If you haven't, well... it should still be fairly easy. Because here at The Rob Log, all kids pass their tests!

How Well Do You Know Famous Author Rob Byrnes?

LIFE IMITATES ART
Fictional creation: "Andy", a campy gay Off-Off-Off-Broadway version of "Annie", which represents the nadir of actor Brett Revere's career in my soon-to-be-released novel Trust Fund Boys (coming in June! Remember that!)

Reality: A casting call, via e-mail forwarded to me from a friend:
ANDY
ERGO THEATRE COMPANY, NYC
...
Auditions: Thursday, April 8th
...
NOTE: We are seeking 6 kids ranging
in age from 10-13 years for a
reading of the new musical ANDY.
Appointments will be scheduled for
Thursday, April 8th from 3-7 PM at
Ripley Grier (520 Eighth Avenue,
16th Floor). Children should come
prepared to sing 2 short songs and
read from sides. Accompanist will be
provided. We are looking for kids
who can sing well with a lot of spunk.
The reading will be performed
for backers, producers and a small public
audience at Ripley Grier
Studios.
SEEKING:
[ANDY] 10 years old. A sweet fiery
red-headed boy who wants more than
anything to play the lead role of Annie.
Smart, Unstoppable.
...

If the real "Andy" is produced, and my book sells half as well as I think it will, there is the potential for significant confusion and major culture clash.

And, yes, I'll be loving every minute of it.

TRL: YOUR HOME FOR SHORT ENTRIES AND DUMB QUIZZES
Hola, kids! I apologize in advance, but it's unlikely that you'll be hearing much of substance from me over the next... few days? Week? Year?

Work has been turbulent, and I'm majorly under the gun. So blogging will be light. I just don't have time for the thoughtful, deep, life-enriching essays you've come to enjoy here at The Rob Log. I don't even have time to scan the rest of the calendar. It sucks, man.

I (temporarily) leave you with one bit of irony:

You are a GRAMMAR GOD!


If your mission in life is not already to
preserve the English tongue, it should be.
Congratulations and thank you!


How grammatically sound are you?
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(Via A Small Victory)