IDLE THOUGHT OF THE MOMENT
I really wish strangers would e-mail me to tell me about low mortgage rates or special deals on Cialis. That would be cool.
The Official Web Log of Famous Author Rob Byrnes,
brought to you from the center of the universe:
New York, New York.
Defining Deviancy Down Since 2003
Battling MSOD Since 2006
IDLE THOUGHT OF THE MOMENT
HOW DID A 4-5-6 GUY LIKE ME END UP ON A SUBWAY LINE LIKE THIS?
BEST. HEADLINE. EVER.
BOOK REVIEWING MADE EASY
For hundreds of years, the Japanese haiku has been equated with peaceful contemplation and spiritual enlightenment. A delicate balance of rhythm and line, the haiku has provided countless readers with an appreciation of the changing of the seasons and the miracles of nature.Sound familiar? It should. Via Barnes & Noble.com comes this:
Now, in Gay Haiku, readers can finally appreciate more important things—like the changing of boyfriends and the miracles of shopping.
Irresistible and irreverent, this collection of one hundred and ten witty and wicked short poems captures the many dating disasters of first-time author Joel Derfner.
Derfner graduated from Harvard with a degree in linguistics. His work for the musical theater has been produced in London, and New York. In an attempt to be the gayest person ever, he took up knitting and got a job as a step aerobics instructor.
In a wonderfully fresh and original voice, Derfner shamelessly mines his personal life to send up such broad-ranging topics as gay pop culture, politics, family, sex, and, of course, home decorating.
Readers will delight in Derfner's dry sense of humor and unmistakable charm as he tackles the big questions of life. For example:
How can we fix us?
The fights, the silence.... I know!
Let’s get a puppy!
Or, how about this one:
My seventh birthday;
I weep at Barbie’s Dream House.
How could you not know?
Impossible to resist, this hilariously sassy and sweet collection of haiku turns the perilous sport of gay dating into pure poetry.
SYNOPSISIn other words, what Michaels tries to pass off as a review is nothing more than a verbatim recitation of the book jacket. That's beyond sad.
For hundreds of years, the Japanese haiku has been equated with peaceful contemplation and spiritual enlightenment. A delicate balance of rhythm and line, the haiku has provided countless readers with an appreciation of the miracles of nature and the changing of the seasons. Now, in Gay Haiku, readers can finally appreciate more important things—like the changing of boyfriends and the miracles of shopping.
Irresistible and irreverent, this collection of one hundred and ten witty and wicked short poems captures the many dating disasters of first-time author Joel Derfner. In a wonderfully fresh and original voice, Derfner shamelessly mines his personal life to send up such broad-ranging topics as gay pop culture, politics, family, sex, and of course, home decorating.
Gay, straight, or undecided, readers will delight in Derfner’s dry sense of humor and unmistakable charm as he tackles the big questions of life:
How can we fix us?
The fights, the silence.... I know!
Let’s get a puppy!
My seventh birthday;
I weep at Barbie’s Dream House.
How could you not know?
From the sexy to the sublime, Gay Haiku captures contemporary gay life in one hilarious, gotta-have-it-right-now package.
Author Bio:
JOEL DERFNER graduated from Harvard with a degree in linguistics. His work for the musical theater has been produced in London, New York, and various cities in between. In an attempt to be the gayest person ever, he took up knitting and got a job as a step aerobics instructor.
COULD'VE BEEN WORSE
BELOVED
SOME THOUGHTS ARE BETTER KEPT OFF PAPER
Aspiring Writer: In 1991 I murdered a family of six and got away with it. I think that would make for a fascinating chapter in my memoirs. What do you think, Famous Author Rob Byrnes?Had he asked, I would have given the author of the following passage the same advice:
Famous Author Rob Byrnes: Well,Alan Cumming-- I mean, Aspiring Writer -- as you know, I only write fiction. I only live fiction, for that matter. So I might not be the right person to give you advice. However, I would think that you would be ill-advised to confess such a heinous crime on paper.
Aspiring Writer: I think it's pronounced hee-ni-ous.
Famous Author Rob Byrnes: No, it's hay-nous, you stupid bisexual Scottish Tim Curry-wannabe twit.
"Over the years, I have converted many single-family dwellings into rooming houses without it being legal... The profit you can squeeze out of this type of house, until you are caught, is enormous.But, alas, he didn't ask. And now he's going to jail.
"I used the surplus revenue ... to buy a new Cadillac Eldorado annually".
WELCOME TO MY LIFE
MONDAY
CONFESSIONS OF A FORMER POP-DRINKER
WHEN YOU HAVE A QUESTION, GO STRAIGHT TO THE SOURCE
MARYLAND GOP NEEDS INTERNETS LESSONS
THE GREAT AMERICAN LIST
I'M NOT QUITE SURE IF I SHOULD BE OFFENDED BY THIS
Since Trust Fund Boys is, ostensibly, about keeping up appearances, let’s start with the book’s packaging. It’s a gay summer read, so there should be a half-naked guy on the cover. Check. But a closer look reveals that this isn’t the usual Howard Roffman pretty boy, but more your average gym-body sporting a pair of sunglasses, perhaps to look cool, but more likely to hide the crinkles of age.Nah... I'm not offended. And anyway, nobody makes fun of the crinkes that go along with my advanced age better than me.
Now let’s flip to the back to the author photo. Rob Byrnes isn’t the guy on the cover, but he looks like he could well stand in for him.
YOU WANT STORIES? I HAVE STORIES
PLAYING CATCH-UP -- GB:NY2 IN REVIEW
TEN HOT NEWS ITEMS
PRESENTED WITHOUT COMMENT
TRL READER SURVEY
10: You suck, this blog sucks, you suck again, and you're not even really Famous!Thanks for your help!
9: You are a complete dick and the only reason people read your blog is to make fun of your typos, Loser!
8. Anger management much lately? Apparently not.
7. Just the right blend of rants, mockery, glimpses into your life, links to funny news stories, and stupid-yet-amusing quizzes. Too bad you have to go ruin everything by being such a prick.
6. Hi, Bobby, it's your mother. Did you forget me on Mothers Day? I mean, not even a single flower! What's up with that?
5. Bobby, it's mom again. I forgot to mention that your blog Jumped the Shark at some point last August.
4. I'm sorry. I don't belong here. I must have clicked on the wrong link.
3. I appreciate the tongue-in-cheek irony, wry observations, and subtle humor. Of course, you're the last person I'd ever want to meet in person, but I thought you should hear some good news among the many '10' and '9' ratings you're sure to get.
2. I enjoy TRL because I try to find the good in everything, and I love a challenge.
1. I read TRL if I'm having a hard time falling asleep. Could you maybe add an mp3 of Perry Como? That would be excellent.
I AM MY OWN BEST IDIOT
UPDATE: CONSUMER ALERT
Dear Robert:Well, 'Linda A.,' let me tell you something: if Mothers Day flowers arrive two days after Mothers Day, they're useless to me. Cancel my fucking order and stick those roses somewhere the thorns will inflict the greatest amount of pain and suffering.
Thank you for your recent purchase from FTD.COM for Mother Figure Byrnes. Unfortunately, due to holiday volumes we are unable to deliver your gift until Monday, May 9th or Tuesday, May 10th. We have posted a refund of your service fee to your credit card and sincerely apologize for the disappointment we have caused you.
It is our intent to provide you the best service possible and feel very badly that we let you down this Mother's Day. We hope that you will give us the chance at a later date to earn back your trust.
If you would like to cancel the order and receive a full refund, simply click on this link http://custserv.ftd.com, or dial 1-800-SEND-FTD (1-800-736-3383). We are here to assist you 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
Thank you for choosing FTD.COM.
Sincerely,
Linda A.
FTD SUCKS, AND MAKES MY MOTHERS CRY
Me: Happy Mothers Day!Now, if I was hoping for delivery in some out-of-the-way place -- Scottsville, Kentucky, for example -- this might be understandable. But there are two missing orders of roses -- with accompanying vases, at that -- that have gone missing somewhere in New York State's third-largest city... ironically known as 'The Flower City.'
Mother Figure: Thanks for remembering and taking the time to call.
Me: So... um... did you get any special Mothers Day gifts?
Mother Figure: All the good children and stepchildren sent me very expensive gifts/chocolates/a new car.
Me: Um... anything else?
Mother Figure: No, honey. Thanks for calling, but I want to get off the phone. The good children and stepchildren are taking me to dinner at the world's only 6-star restaurant, and I don't want to be late arriving... arriving behind the wheel of my new car, that is.
Me: Okay. Well, again, Happy M--
Mother Figure: *click*
*dial tone*
ALL IN THE ALLITERATION
1. Jacob, JoshuaNice. The only paired names that aren't nauseatingly alliterative are the ones from a Kelly Ripa sitcom. If these twins don't start killing their too-cutesy-for-words parents when they hit their teens, I'll be very surprised.
2. Taylor, Tyler
[ed.: kidding, right? Please?]
3. Matthew, Michael
4. Daniel, David
5. Faith, Hope
[ed.: poor babies. I hope they're at least girls]
6. Madison, Morgan
7. Ethan, Evan
[ed.: "Ethan, Evan; I'd like you to meet Taylor and Tyler."]
8. MacKenzie, Madison
[ed.: if triplets, that's MacKenzie, Madison and Morgan]
9. Alexander, Andrew
10. Nathan, Nicholas
OH NO HE DIDN'T!
"I'M NOT GAY. I JUST LIKE THE TASTE."
In a wide-ranging interview Wednesday night, West acknowledged he’d recently begun to seek out young men on the Internet and said he couldn’t explain why. “I don’t want to go into the whole issue, but I wouldn’t characterize me as ‘gay,’.” West said.Um... okay.
NOTHING AFFIRMS IDIOCY LIKE REPETITION
THEY MISSED
IF I MUST...
Said meme takes its name from Mel Brooks' A History of the World (Part I), and, upon receiving it, one is supposed to list five things that one's circle of friends or peer group is wild about, but that one can’t really understand the fuss over. Quoth Caesar, "Nice. Nice. Not thrilling . . . but nice."My List of Five:
1. Vodka. Everyone I know drinks vodka. Lots of it. I'm often the odd man out, since I never -- well, almost never -- touch the stuff. If I do, I have flashbacks to that very bad night 29 years ago involving the infused watermelon, and we really don't want to go there.Since Joel passed the meme to three people, I guess that's what I'm supposed to do. So let's see what the following people think:
2. Cher. If my boyfriend reads this, I am so divorced, but... I don't get it. I find Cher moderately diverting, but I wouldn't go out of my way. It's great that she's still working at 83 years of age, but what's the big deal?
3. Shopping. Shopping is something one does out of necessity. It is not recreation... not even close. Here's the way it should work: go to a store, get in, and get out. Oh -- and that cute little thing that you bought so you could keep telling everyone it's Prada? That cute thing isn't cute on you.
4. Convertibles. You can't carry on a conversation without yelling and your hair gets messed up. Need I say more?
5. Dance clubs. You can't carry on a conversation without yelling and people keep trying to force you to dance. People wearing Prada.
PROMOTION, FOR PEOPLE WHO DON'T NEED IT
MMMMM... BREAKFAST
ESL AT AP
THE GLOVES ARE ALMOST OFF...
THE DEFINITION OF INSANITY
RARE SUNDAY CONTENT...